Disclaimer: Not Rowling, not as chary as Snape about taking advice.

Don't Call Me Daddy

Chapter 9- Unwelcome Advice

Advice is one of those things that is far more blessed to give than to receive- Carolyn Wells

Alone at last… Sitting beneath the Dragon Claw Willow with a new text, Severus breathed in deeply and let out a long exhale of relief. No one knew where he was, so no one could 'drop by' and offer what he had come to despise almost as much as his late, unlamented father. Advice… In his gestational guide, the author had quoted a wizard named Mason Cooley who said about unsolicited counsel, 'advice is more agreeable in the mouth than in the ear'. Leaning back against the resilient willow trunk, admiring the lethal-looking frond tips, Snape heartily concurred. Opening his book, he reflected how ironic it was that a man who was avoided when he was single became eagerly sought once he had a pregnant wife.

Perusing a list of charms purported to be compatible with delicate solutions; the Potions Master absently brushed back a strand of black hair. Hearing a splash, he looked up to see the Giant Squid surfacing in the center of the lake. Early spring had awakened the creature from its hibernation. Watching a tentacle wave in the air, Severus muttered darkly,

"You may be happy now, but wait. The mer-people will just happen to swim by and babble their opinion on where you can find the biggest fish, or advise you on how best to do everything, and soon you'll be wishing you were back at the bottom of the lake."

The squid sank beneath the dark surface, causing the watcher to smirk and turn back to his reading. Students contained within classrooms meant that his solitude was peaceful. The lack of distraction should have made it easier to concentrate. Instead, thoughts he'd been trying to suppress came to the forefront of his mind. For example, he'd always heard, 'beware the Ides of March', but he'd never heard, 'beware, in March of unwelcome advice'.

The weeks since he and Lorelei had visited his family residence had been ones of growth in more ways than one. His child was growing by leaps and bounds, but so was the interest of his colleagues, students, and strangers on the street. Somehow, his wife's condition had become public domain instead of a private matter between expectant parents. Questions of 'when is the baby due' or 'is it a boy or a girl?' were annoying, but expected. It was the advice people gave, in the same manner Albus pushed sweets on all and sundry that made the muscles of his cheek twitch.

Just last night, while he'd attempted to eat dinner, Minerva had the nerve to lean over and say,

"I've noticed that Lorelei has been eating a lot of rice and vegetables. I do hope she's not feeling…self conscious…about her changed figure."

He stared without expression until she started to fidget, explaining while fingering the choker around her neck in a nervous manner,

"You may not be aware of this, but some women feel unattractive in the last months, and when intimate moments decrease due to fatigue or other factors, romantic gestures can make all the difference in self image."

The tic that had begun to twitch at the start of her words subsided. Raising a dark brow, Severus assured silkily,

"My wife's diet ensures regularity, and our…," his lip curled, "'intimate moments' have not decreased. Lorelei is well aware that I consider a fertility goddess the ultimate sex goddess, and is well satisfied with my romantic gestures, thank-you-very-much."

Instead of being intimidated or embarrassed by his reply, the witch repressed a smile and leaned forward to look past the Headmaster. Down the Staff Table, Professor Sprout's expression became slack with disbelief when she saw McGonagall nod and rub her thumb and fingers together. Pomona called, in her customary dull roar,

"You're having me on! That's un-natural. Even plants go dormant, for Merlin's sake!"

Snape became the cynosure of all eyes. He counted to ten in Latin, Greek, and Elvish before asking his fellow Head of House in a voice so soft she started leaning toward Albus in an instinctive bid for protection,

"You…wagered…on my…" He couldn't finish. Gathering her fortitude, Minerva admitted,

"Yes, I did." She told him the amount of galleons that she'd be collecting from various colleagues. He was flabbergasted. Severus was further astounded when Minerva shared,

"I'll be using my winnings to purchase..." Her voice lowered conspiratorially, "…a Pegasus Pram, with top of the line shielding charms, for a baby gift, from the Staff."

His lips twitched,

"How Slytherin of you"

She gave a feline smile,

"Thank you, Severus. I thought my friendly wager boldly Gryffindor, myself."

On McGonagall's other side, her partner gave an amused chuckle. Snape queried,

"No advice from you, Albus? How extraordinary. Have you gone off sweets as well?"

Taking a toffee out of his pocket, Dumbledore unwrapped and ate it himself after the younger wizard refused the treat offered. With a genial smile, the wizard demurred,

"I could give advice, but without the wisdom to follow it…"

Minerva concealed a smile behind her hand. Severus pursed his lips to do the same.

The sound of willow fronds snapping and a booming voice saying, 'alright now, I'm only wantin' to come in for a chat, no need to get defensive' halted the wizard's mental replay of the previous evening's conversation. He looked up to see a half-giant parting the drooping branches. Scratches from tiny Dragon Claws covered Hagrid's face and hands. Dropping to the ground beside Snape with a thud that caused the water in the nearby lake to ripple, the former groundskeeper said heartily,

"Good afternoon, professor"

"It was"

Beetle-black eyes lost a bit of their twinkle,

"'Spect yer wonderin' what I came to talk about, eh?"

"Indeed"

The enormous man looked off, smiling to see the squid surface across the lake,

"I dunno how to start, exactly." Huge teeth flashed briefly in a smile, "I s'ppose I jus' better come right out an' say it." Releasing a breath that caused willow fronds to part, Hagrid began, "I don't have much experience with expectin' women, but I do know summat about all kinds of other creatures, and I have to say…" In a rush, he finished, "Lorelei reminds me of a Hebridean Black."

Ignoring the tic starting to pulse in his right eyelid, Severus made an attempt at comprehension,

"Are you calling my wife a dragon?"

"Fer cryin' out loud, no!" Shaking his bushy black hair, the giant man explained, "I said she reminds me of one." Leaning forward, he said earnestly, "The Hebridean Black dragoness is jus' abou' the loveliest, sweetest creature I ever had the pleasure to train and breed…I mean study…" When his listener made no comment on illegal 'breeding' slip, Hagrid relaxed and continued, "Except when her eggs are about to hatch- then she turns vicious. Clawing, biting, and shooting fire at anything that wanders near."

Snape realized that his mouth was open and shut it abruptly. Halfway between feeling affronted and amused, he asked,

"You are sharing this today because…?"

With the air of one bestowing a valuable confidence, the other man said,

"I found, through trial and bloody, painful error, that if yeh stroke a dragoness, gentle yet firm like, she'll calm right down. An' although yeh might get a few gashes, third degree burns, and whatnot, you'll live to see the egg hatch."

After pressing his lips firmly together for several minutes, Severus felt composed enough to respond with a simple,

"Thank you"

Nodding agreeably, Hagrid rose to his feet, bending over in order not to break the surrounding fronds. Turning to leave, the half-giant hesitated a moment, and then confessed before rushing off,

"I want yeh to be knowin'- that although I used to call yeh a great prune, I now think yer goin' to be a thumpin' good father."

Blinking rapidly, the wizard tried holding his breath and thinking of Longbottom melting a cauldron for the umpteenth time. It was useless. Dark laughter spilled out and echoed across the lake.

Remembering the 'talk' with Hagrid days later, the corners of Snape's mouth turned up briefly. He and Lorelei were strolling into Hogsmeade to visit the Midwitch on the clear, bright Saturday. Thankfully, it wasn't a Hogsmeade Weekend, so the path was student-free. His wife held onto his arm, hugging it affectionately. His glance flickered down, noticing that her maternity jumper emphasized well-rounded areas in a way that made him wish he'd insisted she'd worn a cloak. She took a deep breath of fresh air. He smirked. Perhaps he didn't mind so much. Noticing his fixed interest, she smiled,

"Are you happy it's the weekend, or are you thinking about me being compared to a dragoness again?"

Glancing down at his wife's glowing face, he deadpanned,

"The Hebridean Black is the loveliest, sweetest creature."

The siren laughed,

"Good thing you know how to stroke me." Taking his hand, she raised it and rubbed her cheek against his palm, "Firm yet gentle."

The shops in the village were doing a brisk trade. He steered his wife away from Honeydukes before she could go in and buy out the chocolate section. Continuing on, Severus found that he was becoming increasingly agitated while they headed toward the small cottage that doubled as home and office for the birthing specialist. Every few paces, someone felt compelled to touch his wife's abdomen. A surreptitious pat here, a blatant 'oh how lovely' rub there, children, women of all ages and even a few foolhardy men acted like they were rubbing a good luck charm or trying to touch the miracle of life. His sneering, warning glares and outright snarls kept most potential gropers away. The ones his threatening manner could not dissuade, Lorelei treated with a politeness they did not deserve. She smiled nicely and moved on, murmuring 'thank you' to the compliments and ignoring impertinent questions.

Finally reaching the thatched cottage, Severus escorted his wife up the walk and rapped smartly on the door. It opened. A young couple exited. They stared at him, wide-eyed. He nodded civilly,

"Mr. Davies, Mrs. Davies…or do you go by Greengrass?"

The former Slytherin blushed,

"I'm Daphne Davies now, Professor Snape"

"My congratulations"

He didn't really mean it, neither of the former students were more than barely competent in potions and Merlin knew what kind of inept progeny they would be inflicting on his wife in a dozen years time. Lorelei made up for his lack of enthusiasm with a genuine interest in the pair. They smilingly bid her farewell, including him by proximity, and hurried off. The Midwitch had been watching the by-play patiently. She invited them to come in. He greeted,

"Midwitch Leach"

"Please, call me Penelope."

Inclining his head in agreement, Snape followed the women through the lounge into an office that looked to have once been a dining room. Averting his eyes while his wife went through a routine exam, out of consideration, not squeamishness, lean muscles relaxed when the Midwitch moved to take a seat at her desk and Lorelei dressed and sat beside him in a chair facing the older witch. Looking up after finishing her notes, she smiled,

"Your baby's big and healthy. If your feel like you've run out of room, Lorelei, it's because your uterus has expanded fifteen times its usual volume. No more somersaults from the little one, but the number of kicks should remain the same. Frequent urination is to be expected. Fatigue, as well. You're fortunate not to experience heartburn or other digestive problems. I suspect your husband's vigilance is to be credited."

The way she emphasized 'vigilance' caused Severus' gaze to narrow. He asked sharply,

"Are you acquainted with Minerva McGonagall?"

Penelope smoothed her gray hair back before saying casually,

"Yes, we were roommates at Hogwarts. Tell Minnie that Penny sends her regards."

He gave a look stating plainly that he would be telling Minnie several things about 'Penny'.

Unfazed by his grim silence, the witch continued,

"I hear that you're still teaching full time, Lorelei. Are you using a maternity belt to redistribute some of the weight?"

His humor was restored, watching his wife's cheeks turned pink while she said 'yes' without sharing that he'd charmed a belly chain to serve as a more decorative alternative.

"Excellent. One last question, have you considered massaging the perineum to prevent tearing during childbirth? It's the area around…"

"We know."

Lorelei's interruption was accompanied by a deepening blush. He listened, amused, to the placating reply,

"If you're not comfortable with the technique…"

In a strangled voice, with a burning face, his wife said,

"Oh, I'm comfortable. Really, Severus has been extremely…helpful…with massage throughout the pregnancy. He's always…" Burying her face in her hands, Lorelei choked out, "…gentle yet firm."

Penelope stared at her shaking patient in consternation. When her inquiring gaze met his, he returned the scrutiny with deliberate blandness, shrugging as if to say, 'pregnant women'. With a final wary glance at the woman trying to regain her composure, the Midwitch said with determined cheerfulness,

"Shall I do another scry? Do you want to know if baby is a boy or girl?"

Lorelei released a shuddering breath and straightened to give him a smile. He answered,

"We wish to see the baby, but not the sex."

Standing to reach for the wide, shallow bowl, the Midwitch chuckled,

"Like surprises? So do I."

Viewing his child and marveling at the how long and fully developed the babe was, Snape half listened to the women's conversation. Penelope was inviting Lorelei and himself to join some child preparation class being held in the community centre that night. The witch had invited a guest Healer to share his wealth of experience. Absently, he agreed to the outing.

Hours later, looking around a room filled with a half dozen other expectant couples of various ages, Severus wondered if he would regret his agreement. Lorelei seemed to know each woman personally, or perhaps maternity created an instant bond between women. Daphne Davis waved at him. He nodded and looked toward the opening door. Midwitch Leach was entering, accompanied by…a boy. An un-naturally handsome youth with un-professional long white-blond hair worn with two side strands pulled back and tied. Scowling, the professor was unwilling to believe that this young man, mid-twenties, at most, was a Healer with a 'wealth of experience'. Blue eyes in a face too classically handsome for Snape's liking lit up when they spied a woman with raven hair talking animatedly to another witch,

"Lorelei!"

Lupin was not the only man who could become a territorial beast. Seeing his wife look up in surprised delight and joyfully call, 'Orlando' before rushing as fast as her belly would allow her into the youth's embrace caused something dark and dangerous to slither up from primal depths and hiss for him to hex first and ask questions later. Lorelei pulled the other man toward him with a wide smile. The beast inside subsided reluctantly.

"Orlando, this is my husband Severus Snape. Darling, this is my friend Orlando of the Woodland Realm. We haven't seen each other in, it must be ten years now, but he was my only comfort in that time I spent…in the West."

Dark brows contracted. This man was Fae? That explained the apparent youth and preternatural attractiveness. The trace of a smile that made supposedly contented, pregnant women sigh all across the room widened,

"Yes, you are Severus, and yet not so much as once you were, I think." Holding out his hand, the man said warmly, "I am most pleased to meet you." After shaking hands, Orlando placed his palm against Lorelei's abdomen and laughed to feel a kick, "This child will lead you a merry chase with Father's determination, and Mother's charm." The siren smiled radiantly, while a shiver traveled down Snape's spine. Echoing in his mind was 'Father, I love him!' and 'Gryffindor!' Shaking off ludicrous fears, fae did not mean omniscient; he listened to the old friends chat for a moment before Orlando moved to the head of the room to begin the class.

Sitting on the charmed for comfort floor, listening to Lorelei practice breathing two hours later, the Potions Master concluded that these 'child preparation' classes were about demystification. Oh, the Healer talked about 'sharing the birth experience' and 'understanding the stages and what to expect' and the father's 'role during birth', but Severus figured that was all a cover for making the women feel empowered and the men reassured that they would not, as Mr. Davies so eloquently confessed to worrying, 'freak out' during labor. The breathing techniques would undoubtedly help distract women in labor from the pain of transitional contractions until the cervix became sufficiently dilated for a pain cessation charm not to impede nature. All in all, Snape felt the time was reasonably well spent. If this class made his wife feel more prepared and confident, viewing pregnant women fluttering like schoolgirls around the heartthrob instructor was worth it.

Toward the end, while the others were chatting, Severus gazed longingly at the door. He was hoping to be able to drag his wife off for a butterbeer for her, and a double firewhisky for him sooner rather than later. Into the centre came a woman with a baby. Penelope called out,

"Sorcha! Thank you for coming. Please use a sanitizing spell, everyone. Mrs. Martigan has kindly brought her little one to demonstrate how to properly hold a baby."

Orlando and Penelope took each couple through adjusting even nervous, stiff arms to hold the baby, supporting the infant's head and back of neck, relaxing to make the baby feel comfortable too, and basic soothing techniques. One or two couples were obviously used to holding small children, and a few, the Davies included, made his first attempts with Elora Danan look brilliant. Eventually, only he and Lorelei were left. She held the baby and rocked back and forth like an expert. When his wife handed over the infant, he returned her cheeky grin with an upraised brow. Disregarding soft laughter, Severus looked down into a tiny pale face. Round brown eyes stared at him unblinkingly. Minute red brows matching the downy hair on the babe's head seemed to arch in surprise. He asked the mother,

"What is her name?"

"Willow"

His lips curved,

"Hello Willow. You seem to be an intelligent child. I'm sure you'll never melt a cauldron when you grow up. You'll be one of the exceptional students in my advanced potions classes one day, won't you?"

Rosebud lips blew a spit bubble. The infant cooed.

In the pub afterwards, Orlando poured a shot of whiskey from the bottle of Ogden's Finest on the table and grinned,

"You have a way with women professor."

Returning from the loo, Lorelei dropped onto his lap, taking advantage of his relaxed mood that cared nothing for propriety. He smirked, glad that he'd scooted his chair back earlier. She declared,

"Yes, and it's mine all mine." Kissing him possessively, she placed her hands over his on her abdomen and qualified, "and the baby's too."

Across the room, Gimli challenged in his rumbling burr,

"Professor Snape! Let's be having our rematch."

He shook his head, drawling,

"Sorry, I have my hands full."

The men gathered around the darts board roared with laughter. Orlando stood and smiled,

"I will be more than happy to take his place."

The broad, bearded face looked over the deceptively youthful man and scoffed,

"Haff yeh ever played? I wouldnae like to shame a beardless lad."

Lorelei used the table edge to lever herself to her feet. Rising to his, Severus echoed her farewell and inquired in an undertone,

"Are you sure you're up to the match? Gimli's the best in the village."

Orlando laughed. The merry sound made the women in the pub sigh.

"Never underestimate the determination of a Fae."

On the way back to Hogwarts, the full moon rising overhead reminded the wizard of a werewolf, and friend, who would be locked away until it waned. Squeezing his hand gently, Lorelei asked,

"Do you think you'll perfect a stasis-compatible Wolfsbane Potion someday?"

He looked into her eyes and smiled,

"Never underestimate the determination of a Snape."

A/N: Yes, you LOTR fellow fangirls, I did indeed 'borrow' the 'never underestimate' line. How could I not? I couldn't make him Legolas, since Lorelei is a fan too, but Orlando worked, didn't it? Review and let me know!