Disclaimer: Not Rowling, not reluctant to throw Snape into awkward situations, because he can handle them! I'm also not reluctant to ask wonderful readers to read my Star Wars III fic, The Force of Love. If you saw the film, and thought there should've been a lot more chemistry and romance between Anakin and Padme, this is for you!
Don't Call Me Daddy
Chapter 10- Baby Showers
April showers bring May flowers…
Staring down at the two invitations on his desk, Severus thought darkly that the childbirth class had left out the most stressful events in late pregnancy- baby showers. The thought of opening countless gifts in the presence of giddy, giggling women produced a sensation that had not been experienced since his final bout of 'morning sickness'. His skin was clammy and his stomach felt queasy. Doing a few of those breathing exercises from the class helped the feeling to eventually subside.
He opened the first invitation. It announced the baby shower that the staff would be holding in the staff lounge on the third Friday of the month. Tossing the card back onto the desk and reaching for the next, he figured two weeks' notice would give him almost enough time to become resigned to his fate. Noting that the event was to take place after school, the wizard hoped that cocktails would be served.
The second invitation was from Lorelei's family. Tiny blue and pink gossamer thin tissue butterflies 'flew' out of the envelope once it was opened. Impatiently waving the blasted things out of his face, Snape scanned the invite. His wife's least favorite cousin was hosting the family shower at her home in London. Partners were invited. The date of the party was…tomorrow… Unconsciously, his fingers crushed and dropped the paper while he stalked into the bathroom. Inside the chamber, Lorelei floated in the Roman bath. He was slightly mollified to note the lack of bubbles to prevent urinary tract infections. Further distracted from his ire after he tested the water and confirmed that it was a safe temperature, he queried,
"When did the bath become the size of a small pool?"
Opening her eyes, his wife sat up and smiled,
"Last night. I'm still not sure if Slinky or the castle itself was responsible. It's lovely, either way. I can actually swim a few strokes, and baby loves it. Why don't you join me?
Removing his teaching robes, Severus folded them precisely before placing the garment on a nearby counter. Slipping off his shoes, he then placed his socks inside them before unbuttoning his shirt. Smirking at the woman who was watching him raptly, the not-quite-as-disgruntled husband asked,
"How long have you known about your cousin's baby shower?"
Ebony eyes grew wide. She slipped down into the water until all but her face was submerged. Batting her eyes with mixed effect- he was amused at the Slytherin cunning, but annoyed that she'd not apprised him of the invitation earlier- Snape added his shirt to the pile and unzipped his trousers. He was stepping out of them when she admitted,
"Oh, for awhile…"
Only the upper half of her face was showing above the water now. Turning to fold the trousers and hide a reluctant smile, he kept his voice bland when he remarked,
"I suppose you thought that if I knew in advance, I would have found a reason not to attend."
Lorelei nodded, floating backwards. He tossed a last item onto the pile. The over-the-shoulder shot caused his wife to say 'Wow'. Mouth tilted smugly, Severus stepped down into the bath. A single breaststroke brought him close enough to press the small protrusion that had manifested after he'd spoken. His lips curved, feeling a nudge. He played the babe's favorite game of press and nudge while the child's mother smiled sheepishly,
"I did think that you'd find a way to get out of it. I should've trusted that you would know how important it is to me that mum's side of the family gets to meet you before the baby's born. I'm sorry, will you forgive me?"
The babe nudged him again. Pressing back, he leaned forward and kissed his beautiful, scheming wife. One hand slipped beneath the wet spirals of her hair to cup the back of her neck and allow him to deepen the kiss. The other patted Lorelei's abdomen with a silent message for his child to go to sleep. The small oval retracted. Freed from fatherly duty, his fingers glided upwards to tenderly caress. After he'd reduced her to a flushed and dreamy state, Severus replied softly,
"There's nothing to forgive. I would have indeed fabricated an excuse."
Maneuvering her to lie back against his chest, he swept long hair aside and began to gently use his lips and teeth on her graceful throat. She arched her neck and moaned. His fingers tightened on her hips,
"Was that an invitation?"
He could hear the smile in her reply,
"Always"
Standing outside Ariel's building in London; Severus viewed with a slight smile his wife's face turning soft and maternal. She was watching children playing at the park across the street. Her sudden laughter caused him to shift his attention to a toddler attempting to squeeze a retriever puppy to a premature demise. The golden canine was wagging its tail madly and exuberantly licking the boy's small round face. The wizard's contracted brows relaxed. It seemed the dog was in no real danger. A disturbing thought struck. He asked in a tone that implied the answer had better be negative,
"Not wanting a dog, are you?"
A smile as sunny as the day accompanied the answer.
"No, not now…"
They entered the wizard-owned building and climbed the stairs to the flat which comprised half the first floor. His hand paused in the act of knocking,
"Now…does that mean that you actually desire to own a slobbering fur ball one day?"
Onyx eyes entreated in a way that put puppy dogs to shame,
"It's good for children to have pets."
He snapped,
"Isn't Hagrid enough?"
Marina answered his subsequent, forceful knock. His mother-in-law opened the door, greeted him warmly and then looked past him to exclaim,
"Circe, you're huge! Lovely as ever, but darling, is it positive you're not having twins?"
Lorelei kissed her mother's cheek,
"Positive. The Midwitch has scryed several times, and there's only the one."
They followed Marina into the spacious lounge. Looking down at the fuchsia pink camisole top's empire waistline, his wife muttered,
"So much for distracting from my increasing abdomen…"
He reached out and quickly ran a fingertip across impressive cleavage, whispering,
"I'm distracted."
She shivered, smiling happily at him before becoming engulfed in a sea of sirens. Preternaturally attractive women of all ages gushed and cooed and in a chorus of 'You look wonderful' and 'I can't believe you're really having a baby in just a few more weeks'! Identical twin cousins from Paris gave him a look that said, 'We can't believe she's having a baby with you!' He raised his eyebrow and curled a lip, sending the two scurrying off. The opinion of young women with the bad taste to briefly date Weasleys fazed him not at all. Behind him, an amused voice observed,
"I've heard that there's nothing to make a man feel more like a bit actor than his wife's pregnancy."
Trying not to show his relief, Severus pivoted to Jean Luc and assured,
"I have no wish to be in the spotlight."
Chuckling, the bald man's distinguished features broke into a wide smile,
"You'll be center stage, like it or not, come the birth, my friend."
Shaking Picard's hand, Snape said dryly,
"I believe my child will be the star of the show then."
Inclining his head in amused acknowledgement, Jean Luc gestured toward the women,
"I think your presence is required."
Lorelei returned to his side,
"Everyone is eager to meet you!"
Aunts, cousins, and distant relatives expressed their pleasure to make his acquaintance. A few were even sincere. While Lorelei went off to find a loo, Aunt Nerys, who resembled her sister Marina with short, curly hair smiled,
"You wouldn't like to test another Anti-Aging Potion would you? We've finally developed a formula that…"
He broke in to state firmly,
"No thank you."
The woman laughed and then looked past his shoulder to invite,
"Ariel, Dickie, come meet Severus."
A flame-haired mother and son stepped forward. The woman's bright blue gaze was almost disturbingly cheerful,
"I'm so happy to meet you at last. Diddums loved the Christmas present you and Lorelei picked out, didn't you Diddikins?"
The child wiped his nose with the back of his hand and shrugged sullenly, blue gaze accusatory,
"I wanted it to explode, not implode. Wasn't messy enough…"
Snape wanted to tell the little ingrate to mind his manners. Noticing the child's constant sniffling, he told the mother,
"He has a cold. Either administer a Pepper Up Potion or have the child play somewhere he cannot infect my wife."
The boy protested,
"I don't want no potion, and I don't wanna go play! I want to touch Lorelei's gi-normous belly and feel that baby!"
His mother admonished ineffectually,
"Now, Diddums, gi-normous isn't really a word, is it? When you go to Hogwarts, you'll have to use proper English. Gigantic, or enormous, dearest…" Patting the wretch on the head, she coaxed, "Let mumsie get you a potion sweetheart, and then you can feel the baby."
"No! I'm going to find her right now!"
In a flash, Severus reached out and grabbed hold of the boy's shoulder, halting his steps. Leaning down, he looked into defiant eyes and promised icily,
"If you take one more step, I will petrify you and float your carcass to your room where you will stay until the end of the party." Out of courtesy to his hostess, the man offered, "Obey your mother and take the potion, and cousin Lorelei may allow you to feel the baby, if you ask politely."
Releasing the child, the wizard stepped back. Dickie made a rude gesture and bolted.
"Petrificus Totalus!"
Lowering his wand, Snape threw a steely look at the brat's mother, whose mouth was opening and closing like a carp in shock. She swallowed hard,
"It…won't hurt…Diddikins…to remain that way for a few hours, will it?" Hearing that there would be no negative aftereffects, Ariel said thoughtfully, "He is rather a handful. Perhaps it would be best if Dickie had a little time-out in his room. Can you?" She made a wand-waving motion with her hand, "I'll show you the way."
The entire room had fallen silent upon the boy's petrifaction. As Dickie was floated out of the room via mobilicorpus spell, the sound of applause became thunderous. In the corridor leading to the bedrooms, Severus smiled.
That smile was long gone by the time 'Baby Games' began. Lorelei, He, Jean Luc, and Marina sat on one sofa while the rest of the ladies arranged themselves in a circle of chairs. The Potions Master felt rather like 'Diddums'- he wanted to make a rude gesture and bolt. Picard leaned over and said in an undertone,
"If you wish to escape to the study, I know one surefire way to get the women to ask us to leave."
Hope flared in stygian eyes,
"What is it?"
"Win every game. Twists knickers and works like a charm."
The men shared a conspiratorial smile. Celeste and Celine, the French twins, came around offering string for everyone to cut in the length approximating the diameter of Lorelei's abdomen. Severus didn't even need to glance at his wife before briskly unrolling the string.
His prize was 'a day of beauty' at a Siren Spa. Jean Luc huffed in amusement, but the younger wizard had seen the incredulous look in the man's eyes when he'd lost by a few centimeters. He considered the victory over the darts champion sweet indeed.
Parchment and quills were passed out. Ariel displayed a large tray with two dozen baby items on it and then removed the tray from sight. Snape remembered all twenty four items. He and Picard opened the prize of Lady Godiva chocolates and began to eat them while the others looked on enviously. Lorelei and Marina were each given a piece.
Next, the group was instructed to write down 'Severus and Lorelei Snape' and try to come up with as many words from the letters as possible in five minutes time. He was still writing when time was called. Nerys called for people to raise their hand if they'd written 5 words, 10, 15, 20, and so on. After his fellow minority male lowered his hand at 50, Severus realized that he was the only one left with a hand raised. Lorelei was beaming proudly at his knowledge of languages, but the expression on every other face was less than affectionate. He opened the prize envelope and gave it to his wife with a smirk. It was a gift certificate for Siren's Secret. In the tense silence that followed, Nerys said,
"You men have been such…good sports…about our little games, but we know you'd rather read the Prophet or something until brunch is served, so feel free to run along to the study."
He and Jean Luc stood immediately and made their way to the door. Once out of the room, Snape bowed to the other man and vowed to drink to his health as soon as possible. Graciously accepting the tribute, Picard challenged him to a match of wizard chess. Anticipating a hard fought victory, Snape accepted the challenge.
Gazing at the piles of presents still heaped in the nursery two weeks after the family baby shower, Severus thought irritably that one child could not possibly wear so many garments or play with such a variety of toys. The sound of the guardian portrait rising caused the wizard to straighten from leaning against the doorframe to walk into the lounge. Lorelei was tearing off her teaching robes. She blew him a kiss while hurrying into their bedroom to change into something to wear to the staff shower. He followed, mouth quirking when she tossed him her blouse and complained,
"I started leaking again! I've got to remember to perform the absorption charm in the mornings. If I'd leaked through my robes, I would've died from embarrassment!"
Wet, circular patches marred the silk. Reasonably, he pointed out,
"That is a common occurrence. After birth, milk letdown can be far more…" The look on her face caused his words to trail off. She started to cry,
"Oh my gods, I'm not ready for that! One lady in class said her sister could squirt milk across a room! I don't want to squirt anything across the room!"
He had to bite the inside of his cheek, but Severus did not laugh. Instead, he strode into the bathroom, moistened a flannel, and returned to wipe Lorelei's face before efficiently removing her bra and cleansing that area as well. His matter-of-fact attitude helped his distraught spouse regain composure. She smiled shakily while fastening a clean brassiere,
"I know I'm being silly. I think my hormones have gone wonky again. The Midwitch says it's natural…" a look of intense frustration crossed her face, "…but I'm tired of having mood swings, tired of waddling around like a duck, and abso-bloody-lutely sick and tired of being pregnant!"
She fastened her colorful print wrap dress with agitated fingers before snatching a brush off the dresser and roughly dragged it though her curls. He took the brush away and began to smooth her hair with long, relaxing strokes, confessing,
"I cannot truly know how you feel, but if it would help, we could go away for the weekend."
"And do what?"
His smile was slow and promising,
"Go to the inn along the coast that you thought was 'quaint'- the one that didn't allow children. We'll take walks on the beach and read books in bed, naked." She giggled. He smirked, "We'll make mad, passionate love and not care who hears. We'll…"
Eyes shining, she interjected,
"Make mad, passionate love right now and miss the staff party if you tempt me further." Kissing him lingeringly, Lorelei smiled, "I'd love to go. Thanks for being so understanding, and thoughtful."
He offered his arm. Her smile widened as she accepted his escort. Together they walked out of their quarters and made their way to the staff lounge. Someone had decorated in pastel colors. The streamers floating about were rather festive.
Lupin padded over,
"Hello, Severus, I hear you're an old hand at baby showers. Dumbledore decided not to have any games after hearing how you won all the others. You have my congratulations and my gratitude for preventing such activities here."
Remus's greeting was returned, and his hand shaken,
"You're either brave or a fool, Lupin, for volunteering to endure this sort of thing."
"Anything for a friend, Severus…"
A faint smile crossed ascetic features before Snape looked away while saying,
"Thank you…my friend."
This shower was much rowdier than the previous one had been. Perhaps it was the cocktails. Whatever the reason, the laughter and talk grew louder as each present was duly opened and admired. Toward the end, Severus saw McGonagall and Trelawney looking at each other angrily. Curious, he concentrated on reading lips,
"I tell you, Minerva, that I have used several different methods of Divination, and they all point to Lorelei having a…"
Sprout blocked his view for a moment. When she leaned back, he watched the Head of Gryffindor say,
"Would you care to wager on it?"
Sybil nodded. Minerva smiled in a cat-like way. Intrigued, Severus would've gone over to ask the exact nature of the bet if not for his wife handing him a box, while saying,
"Look at how tiny all these booties and gowns are! This book of fairy tales is exquisite! Thank you, Tonks, Remus."
He picked up a pair of diminutive footwear. All at once, Severus became overwhelmed by the reality of impending fatherhood. When the elves delivered food and the shower turned into a staff party, Snape told Lorelei that he was in need of air and left the chamber. Instinctively, he strode toward the Astronomy Tower. Sitting against a side wall, he looked up at a sky that was starting to shimmer with stars. Somehow, he had to come to terms with his conflicting feelings.
"No whiskey this time. That's a good sign." Lupin crossed over to drop down beside him, asking, "Anything I can do to help?"
Lifting the baby booties that he'd placed in his pocket for some unfathomable reason, Severus nodded,
"Tell me how to feel ready for the responsibility of a life so fragile and utterly dependent."
"I don't know if any man's ever ready." In a wistful tone, Remus mused, "I think you just trust that love, and inner strength will make you the father your children deserve."
That was good advice. Severus decided to take it, nodding his thanks with a ghost of a smile. They sat in silence for long moments. Eventually, the former DA professor said in a contemplative tone,
"You know, waxing philosophical has much the same effect on me as a few drinks."
"What, are you going to pass out?"
"No, I'm going to sing."
The memory of the last time the two of them had sat on the observation platform made Snape expel a huff of amusement. He lifted a sardonic brow,
"Werewolves of London?"
Remus grinned wolfishly,
"If you insist."
He sang about a werewolf who ate chow mien, walked with the Queen, and drank Pina Coladas. By the second chorus, Severus joined in and sang,
"Ah-wooo!"
A/N: Boo Hoo, no Warren Zevon lyrics, thanks to bloody lawsuit leery FF. Ah well, I think I worked around it well enough. Those of you who wanted Snape to have more awkward moments with baby things- you'll get it next chap!