River laid back on the surgery chair and breathed. Around her, Simon flustered, flashing lights into her eyes, attaching monitors to her arms.
Mal and Zoe also stood alongside, talking in low tones. Kaylee was holding her hand. Book was sitting on the side, watching concernedly. Even Wash was there, cracking the occasional joke.
River smiled inside. They were worried about her. But she knew, that they had nothing to be worried about. Physically, she was fine. In fact, inside, she felt like singing.
Jayne had proved it. He had done the thing she couldn't have asked of anyone – put himself at risk to prove her true abilities. And that, she was capable of controlling the beast the blue hands placed inside her head.
She wasn't the old River, she knew that. But now - that seemed fine. She was a new River Tam, with new skills and new problems – but finally, in control of her own destiny.
She was looking through the glass window outside to the corridor. She couldn't see him, but she knew he was there, watching her. And later, she would find him, and thank him for what he had done. It had been all she needed to know.
She wanted to find him, hold him, stroke his shoulders, feel his fingers dig into her back. But she also wanted to tell him how she felt, and all the things she wanted. That she hoped he wanted too.
Later, when Simon admitted, with relief palpable in his eyes that she was okay - she found Jayne in the hold. Mal had given her leave to walk the ship again. Naturally, the trip to Bisonville had been cancelled – she had proved she was no danger to those she cared for.
Of course, those who she didn't care for still posed a problem. But, as Mal had laughed, that was a benefit. And River found she had no guilt at the idea of destroying those who threatened her and the crew. Blue hands. Alliance. It was fair game.
Jayne was standing, with Mal, in the base of the hold. They two men were passing cargo trunks between them, and stacking them under the stairs. River crept closer, and lowered herself to listen to their conversation.
She longed for Mal to leave. She looked at Jayne, as he moved. The bruises around his face were healing. His arms flexed as he reached and lowered.
"So," Mal was saying, "Are you gonna tell me what the gosa that was all about, or do I have to kick you in the man-parts again?"
Jayne glanced across at his Captain. He shrugged. "Well, you could try, but I'd have to break your leg, you superior cows-ass." There was a hint, however, of a smile on his face.
Mal nodded, and rolled his eyes. But the he continued to stand, with an expectant look on his face. Jayne looked again at him. He realised that Mal really did want to know.
Sighing, Jayne lowered the trunk he was carrying to the floor, and turned to face him.
"Truth is, I dunno," he said. "I jus' figured that if I can't figure out what happened with Lester, I should figure out what I might've done now if I were in the same boat. See if I was cap'ble of doin' something….decent. And not screw it up this time."
"She could'a gorram killed you."
"Yeah. But I also figured that that was a risk worth takin'. I din't use to believe in no fate. But if a man is due to die he is. So I also figured that as well as helpin' the poor mite stay outa that hell-hole, I figured I might as well find out if it was my time. Figures that someone up there says today at least, it ain't."
Mal looked at the merc, incredulously. Jayne caught his look and grimaced.
"Don't think that means I ain't still a mean sommbitch though," he added, defensively. "I figured it prob'ly useful anyway that you have the girl stay on board. She's meaner'an me with a gorram gun anyway, and twice as fast. She'll do you well as a replacement, as long as that over-protective gorram brother o' hers lets her do her thing."
At which point, Jayne leant forward to again pick up the trunk.
Mal smiled….but then, cocked his head quizzically.
"Hey, hang on. I take it you don't wanna go home now though? I mean, seems like that bust up with River had helped you put a few things to rest."
Jayne turned his head and eyed the Captain. "Yeah, it did. I figure that I can at least do the odd decent thing. But it don't change the bare facts that I still have no idea when or why. And although it's helped me understand that perhaps I ain't all bad, I still ain't feelin' like pickin' up Vera and doin' the normal 9-to-5. I ain't sure what I wanna do. Or with – " he paused. "I just wanna go home," he ended, lamely.
Upstairs, River brought her hands to her mouth.
Mal's brow furrowed. "Jayne, I gotta say as much as I like your attempts at emotional growth – I got a gorram boat to protect here! And I pay you to look after it and do a ruttin' job! You're a ruttin' merc, and this is you gorram home."
"No, Mal, it ain't."
Jayne stopped moving, and stepped closer to the man. " Mal, you see - I dunno if I am a merc no more. And is this home? I dunno. I can't just figure things out overnight. I need a bit o' time. It's like when the thing happened with the boy, a whole part of me jus' stopped growin'. Only the mean parts. And as much as I still love my gorram mean parts, turns out that I ain't too happy unless the rest o' me is grown too. Am I makin' sense?"
"Kind of," said Mal.
"I still have to try and figure out what I did back there on Montgom'ry and why. But also, if I can't I gotta figure out whether I can really live with it, and carry on the way I do. If the thing with the girl had taught me anythin', that I may have hope afterall. To be a better man, if still a dumbass. But I gotta figure out whether I wanna be that man, or whether I'll be happier doin' sumthin' else. Bein' somewhere else. Do y'understand?"
"You're bein' to darn hard on yersel'," said Mal. "I never thought I'd ever say this, but you need t' give yousel' a break."
"Which is what I'm gonna do. So take me back, Mal, and let me be. If I'm meant to carry on, I'll be back."
"I still think you're bein' dumb," said Mal. He knew that he sounded childish.
'Well, that's okay," replied Jayne, and shrugged. "I don't mean this hard, but don't give a damn anyway."
At which point, Jayne went to walk away.
Mal gritted his teeth, before calling after him.
"Wait! I also meant to ask you – the thing with the girl. It don't make sense to me why you were so sweet on her back there. Why the hell out of all the people in the world she mightn' not have killed, it would be you. Unless you ain't be 100 percenttruthful wi' me about the reasons behind that gun practice.'
Jayne turned on his heel and faced him. "I was jus' bein' soft on her," he said nonchalantly. "It wouldn't have made sense to be anythin' less, afterall I was tryin' to stay alive, as it turned out. As for her, well I guess she's sweet on me or sumthin'. She's only a girl afterall. And I know I got fine looks."
He smiled weakly, but as he spoke, he moved his eyes to the floor. I ain't goin' to let Mal see the truth, he thought to himself. He don't need to know that I gorram love her. Afterall, it don't make no difference anyway. I can't give her nuthin' right now.
Upstairs however, River only heard his words. She didn't see his eyes, that spoke volumes about the conflict that was raging within him.
All she knew was that after all that had happened – he was still leaving. The crew, the ship.
And her.