Chapter 6
Despite what Christie said, I still was angry with Justin. For no reason, I finally told myself. But, as I thought about it, it all came down to me. I should really be angry with myself for making the Plan in the first place. My heart was supposedly 'broken' (when put dramatically) because I had let someone else break it. In the end, it wasn't Justin who had broken it, but me who had left it exposed and let Justin's actions disturb my feelings. Destroy my hope that the Plan would ever come true. It was my fault that I had ever 'liked' Justin in the first place, therefore my fault my feelings were hurt. If I had never had feelings for Justin, I would never have gotten them damaged.
The youth group camping trip came quickly, and for once in a lifetime I wasn't looking forward to it. I wasn't looking forward to doing anything with the youth group, since it would have to include Justin, too. And his girlfriend. I really should be happy for them, I told myself over and over again as I drove to the church parking lot early Monday morning. But I'm not. I can't.
Loading my stuff in the car and knocking myself out with some carsickness medicine, I didn't pay attention to who I was riding with. They wouldn't notice me, for I would be asleep. It was better than being carsick on the drive in the mountains.
Three hours later we pulled into our campsite and while the guys unloaded the food, we girls set up tents. This year, the middle school would not be going with us. I assumed maybe we'd be getting into deeper stuff during devotions.
I was right.
That night, as we sat around the campfire while dark descended around us, Kristen began our devotion.
"In the mornings, we're going to be doing Bible devotions. At nights, we're going to have discussions. Our trip this week is going to be focusing on God's will. What God wants for us in relationships, our jobs, our friends, our parents… and what He wants for our lives in general as well."
Was I imagining it, or did Kristen glance at Justin and Brianna when she'd said 'relationships'? I listened as she continued.
"Despite what all of you say, the question 'who will I marry' does pop up in all of our heads a lot. And it should, because it's a very important thing in all of our lives. But suppose I'm worrying about it right now, but on God's timeline I won't get married for another five, six years. What use am I doing about worrying about it now? I'm sharing my opinion with all of you just because I felt that I needed to share my experiences. I regret spending all of my thoughts on this one subject instead of waiting for God's call.
"There is a reason why parents make a rule that you cannot date until a certain age. I personally that age should be eighteen or even better, older. What is the point in dating when you're in school? You can't marry. We can all agree that dating is not something to be messed around with. My parents say that when you date, you are looking for someone to marry. Well, nobody in high school that is planning to go to college anytime soon after graduating should be looking for someone to marry. I don't get the point of dating when you're as young as you all are now, because may I ask where this relationship is going to go? Most of the time, heartbreak."
There were many nods of agreement around the fire circle. My head was one of those participating.
"And why date and meet all these other people when the one for you is waiting to enter your path way out into the future? I'm not saying that you can't date now, but I would advise against it. There is really no point.
"The reason why I am bringing all of this up tonight is because of our theme this week: God's will. You can't change what God wants for you. So why date people that you know you don't have a good chance of marrying? That is, I'm not saying that two of you from this group couldn't end up together. I'm saying, why date now? Why not wait until your relationship could turn into something bigger and better? That's what it is about God's will, or God's call. You've got to be patient, listen, and pray about it. Now, before we have a discussion, I'm going to give you something to think about tonight, and I want you to apply it to every devotion we have this week. Are you ready to submit what you want to God?"
Am I ready to submit what I want to God?Kristen's words flooded my mind with sudden understanding. What was the point in worrying about whether I 'get' Justin or not? And even if he did have feelings for me, it wouldn't be best. We couldn't date.
I drowned out the protests and questions sounding from around the group and thought about Kristin's question. Man, it cut deep. Am I ready to match my desires for myself to the ones that God has for me? And then I remembered the Lord's Prayer. "Your will be done".
I realized that my Plan might not be the one that God had for me, and no pair of underwear (no matter how brilliant the butterflies on them might be) could change that. My own will couldn't change that. Nothing on the face of the earth could change God's plan for me. And so, in prayer, I silently gave up my Plan, my underwear, and my anger and feelings for Justin.
I looked over at Justin, and for the first time since I met him I did not feel that feeling. I did not get the nervous, happy feeling in my stomach. I didn't see anything different about him, and I suddenly knew the change was not in him but in me. And that was when I realized that my Plan matched God's plan, only because my Plan was totally different now.