I didn't like how this chapter went before. It wasn't heading where I wanted it to go so I changed it.

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Chapter 10

She took one stair at a time heading down towards the basement. She landed with a plop on the ground, her hair bouncing like it always did in that perfect annoying way. I joked around with her about it...how a previously dead girl's hair was in so much better condition than my own.

"Hey."

He looked up from the book that he was reading and nodded, acknowledging her presence.

"Buffy."

He knew what she was there for, to ask him if he was ready for patrolling. They went out patrolling a lot...ever since that night when they came home laughing together from the Bronze. I felt as though some wall had been lifted between the two, since then, and there it was...the renewed chance for friendship between them.

"You...ready to go kill some vampires?"

He looked pensive fore a moment and spoke slowly, "No."

Buffy quickly replied, "Oh. Okay then," and was ready to go back up the stairs to hide her disappointment

"I wanted to spend

Buffy sighed with relief and smiled.

"Oh. That'll be nice. I'm sure Dawnie will be excited about it."

I was a speedy kid, had good hearing...not vampire hearing...but good hearing.

"What's that? Heard my name...and I if I can recall... I heard it twice" I called as I jogged down the stairs into the basement.

Spike gave me a grin.

"How'd you feel 'bout some good ol' Spike and Nibblet time?"

I jumped with excitement. It had been so long since Spike and I had had some time together, not that I didn't want Buffy there. But, it was just different with him alone, and I now knew that he felt it too.

"Fight Club?"

Damn that Brad Pitt. C'mon, who couldn't resist him?

"That's my girl. Fight Club it is."

That's right. Not even Spike could resist him.

Buffy just looked between us and rolled her eyes.

"Alright. Looks like there will be a serious reunion of some sort going on in the Summers slash...whatever-Spike's-last-name-is home. Well, I'm off. Have fun guys."

I was fast asleep around 3 in the morning, when Buffy finally came back home from patrolling.

Spike was watching TV on the couch, when she walked in.

"Hey. Dawnie asleep?"

"Yea. Poor Niblet couldn't keep her eyes open long enough to watch Tyler Durden get his brains blown out. That sucks."

Buffy rolled her eyes and laughed at his silliness. "I'm sorry for her loss," she replied sarcastically.

She turned around to head upstairs to her room, until Spike stopped her.

"Buffy. Wait…"

He stood up to face her and spoke.

"You have these moments where the frown beneath your smile is visible, like now. There is this constant sadness. I can see it, and I know there is something you aren't sharin'. And I've waited for you to share it, but I just can't stand here and let you just lock it up inside yourself forever."

Buffy turned herself to face him slowly, there were tears slowly forming in her eyes as she looked at him.

After minutes of silence between them Buffy spoke.

"I was happy."

Spike narrowed his eyes trying to decipher what she was saying.

Buffy continued, "I was…When I died…" She couldn't look him in the eye when she said it so she moved over to the couch and sat down, her hands folded together in her lap as she stared at her fingers.

"I felt free…at peace. I knew that everyone I cared about was all right. I knew it. Time ... didn't mean anything ... nothing had form ... but I was still me, you know?

Buffy turned her head to look at Spike. His eyes were full of concern, and she looked back down at her hands clasped together and continued, " And I was warm ... and I was loved ... and I was finished. Complete. I don't understand about theology or dimensions, or ... any of it, really ... but I think I was in heaven."

Spike moved over to where Buffy was sitting and crouched before her.

"Buffy…"

"Let me finish. Please?" she whispered desperately. "I need to get this out."

Spike tentatively reached out and patted her shoulder in a lame attempt to soothe her.

"I was in heaven and now I'm not." She let the tears fall freely. "I was torn out of there. Pulled out ... by my friends. Everything here is ... hard, and bright, and violent. Everything I feel, everything I touch ... this is Hell. Just getting through the next moment, and the one after that ..."

She looked straight into his eyes as she spoke, "After knowing what I've lost...I don't know if I can get up every morning with a smile or live this life. I feel like want to die."

"I'm so sorry."

"For what?"

"I dunno. Jus' felt like I needed to say that. I can never know what it felt like to be in heaven. I never did and never will say that what your so-called friends did was right, bringin' you back…messin' with dark magic. I can't tell you that life can be better than heaven. But all I can tell you is how I feel…how I felt….like it was the happiest moment of my existence when I realized that it was you on that tower. And I bet it's not just how I felt….but how all of them felt."

"I know, I know. You all love me. Every single one of you loves me. I know that. But I can't just keep living every day pretending that I have never known such peace and freedom," Buffy cried.

Spike soothingly replied, "And I'm not askin' you to. I'm sayin' you felt like everyone you loved was safe when you left, but hell when you came back you couldn't even recognize this bleedin' town. No one was okay here, and it wasn't just about coping with a death. It became about blame for some people. It became about guilt for others. It became shock for some and disaster for the rest. The world wasn't ready for you to not be here, and you were suddenly gone. You took the world by surprise. No one was prepared for you to not be alive."

Spike himself felt his eyes stinging with tears. "And now, as though it's some bleedin' miracle, your back… and none of us wanna let you go."

He half-heartedly chuckled as he spoke, " 'Cos we're all selfish bastards really."

He then looked up at her seriously, "When I thought that you were gonna jump off that tower again, I felt the events from four months ago play over in my head…how I failed you…failed Dawn…and you wouldn't have had to jump. I swore that if I let you go again that I would go home and stake myself right and proper."

Spike stood up and then sat himself on the couch next to Buffy.

"Buffy, let me help you. Actually, let us help you. I think you should forgive the scoobies, I never thought I would catch myself saying this, but let them back into your life. Take it step by step. If you let us that is…and if you allow this whatever this is…shoulder-to-cry-on-weird-friendship-between us to last, I promise that I will make your life worth living."

Buffy saw so much sincerity in his eyes as he spoke. He was truly promising her that life would be all up-hill from then on.

She wiped her tears and looked at him, "Okay."

"What are we 'okay'-ing again?"

"I'm saying 'Okay Spike, help me fix my life.'"

Spike smiled at her, and she giggled. For the first time it was a genuine giggle coming from her.

And suddenly before he could react, she was in his arms her head on his chest hugging him tightly.

"Thank you."

"Anything for you," he replied while awkwardly patting her on the back.

She sheepishly grinned at him after getting up and said goodnight. Half way up the stairs she stopped and said, "Spike, this thing between us…don't call it a shoulder-to- cry-on-weird-friendship-between-us, because it's not."

Spike looked down and all he could mutter was, "Oh."

"It's the start of a real friendship that I'm really sorry I didn't initiate earlier. Goodnight!"

All Spike could do was smile. It was a childish smile, and he felt like a fourth grader after his first kiss…

He chuckled…as if he could actually remember himself in fourth grade.

And as he slept, he dreamt of the wonderful breakfast he would make for Buffy and Dawn the next morning.

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