a/n: this chapter is basically a different way of explaining how everyone found out about buffy being in heaven.
People deal with death in all sorts of different ways. Like when mom died, Willow kept changing her clothes, Xander punched the wall, Tara stayed calm, and Anya didn't know what was going on. And I…I didn't know what to feel, what to believe, how to live the next moment.
I remember seeing her…or well, I guess it wasn't her; it was just her shell, her skin…her body. It didn't seem real. A mistake, I thought. The woman lying there wasn't mom. There was a resemblance, maybe, but she was looking so pale, so cold, and so distant. She seemed like she was a doll, made out of some rubber synthetic material. It was the first life-changing death that I had experienced.
And in a matter of weeks, I was able to say that I had experienced two life-changing deaths. No one should be able to say that. No one should have to watch two of their loved ones being lowered into the ground in the same year, and I think that's the real reason that I didn't attend Buffy's funeral. During mom's, I had Buffy to hold on to….to shield me from the horrible sight. But when there was no Buffy, when she was the one being put into the ground, who would I hold on to?
I remember when I ripped apart mom's photo to keep her from coming back, because Buffy told me she might come back wrong. Even then, I knew that Buffy and I would have never let her go, because if any part of her was mom we wouldn't have let her go. You aren't supposed to mess with the cycle of life and death. I often hoped that my mom was in heaven so that I was certain that I hadn't made a mistake of ripping that photo and stopping the spell.
See, that's the thing that bothered me. Willow and Tara had told me not to do the spell to bring mom back, not to mess with nature. And yet they, and the rest of them, when they were suffering after Buffy's death…they turned to magic, they set their eyes on magic to ease that pain and bring Buffy back. I could only call them cowards.
Giles came back from England. I could tell he didn't know whether to be overjoyed or furious that the spell had been done. I didn't blame him because I thought the three of us that didn't participate in the spell felt that way. I call Willow's doings hypocrisy, but then again I wouldn't ever tell anyone about what I call their doing's…because none of it matters. All I cared about is the fact that Buffy is back.
And then I thought to myself, 'How selfish can you be, Dawn?' Especially after knowing how happy Buffy was…she was in heaven. Yea, I found out about that. We had our first 'Buffy-included-Scooby-meeting' where she told us. It was so hard for her.
I remember feeling my blood boil. How could they have just done the spell like that, without trying to find out where Buffy's soul was? It was ignorance…no, it was stupidity, it was just idiocy. I didn't talk to Willow or Xander or Tara or Anya.
Giles, Spike, and I gave Buffy a hug and told her that we'd be waiting for her outside to go home. She understood. She knew that the people who she was really trying to tell, about where she had been, were those who had done the spell.
I almost felt bad for them…almost. But I didn't and so I walked out on them. But I guess Buffy was feeling a little more compassionate that day, partly due to the talk that she and Spike had had the previous night.
And I guess at home, before coming to the Magic Box, she had thought about what she would do when she faced them all, because after the tears, hugs, and apologies, I could see that all Buffy wanted were her friends back. They stood together in one big hug. Anya, too. And even I began to smile.
All Buffy wanted was the life she had before her death…basically, she wanted to live. She wanted to live without the dark clouds looming over their friendship, without the resentment between them.
And after that, I looked up to her more than I ever had before. What Willow and the others had done was a serious risk and had a huge consequence. To forgive them for such a big mistake was something truly noble and honorable.
And it was then I decided that if Buffy could forgive them…
… then I could, too.
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