Chapter eleven (Ending two)
"...What?"
"I really hope I don't have to say that again. I've been working up the nerve for that moment for almost two months, now." Keitaro goggled at her. His mouth opened and closed like a fish out of water, and his eyes were all but popping out of his head. He sat down again, rather quickly. He didn't move. He just stared at her feet, his mouth still moving slightly. "Keitaro-kun?" Motoko put a hand on his shoulder, and knelt in front of him. "I know this must come as a shock to you, but it's been on my mind ever since that night. You see, the women of my family have always been... well, exceptionally fertile, to put not too fine a point on it." She talked, her voice growing in pace until the end, where she abruptly stopped.
"Motoko, what... what are you... are we, sorry, going to do?" Keitaro looked at her. She had difficulty reading him. What was he thinking? She knew she certainly didn't have a plan. Whether she'd been expecting it or not in some corner of her mind, she'd never actually thought about what she might do should this situation arrive.
"Keitaro-kun, I just don't know. I... I don't want to have a baby. I'm not married, and I'm supposed to carry on the Shinmeiryuu school in a few years. I have my studies to think of, too! I... this... all my dreams will be impossible if I have a child now, and my family would disown me. They'd see me as a disgrace to the Aoyama name!" Motoko was almost babbling now, and tears were creeping into her voice. She overbalanced in her kneeling position and collapsed onto Keitaro, who embraced her after just a second of hesistation. They remained there for a brief moment, both knowing that something had to be said and neither knowing precisely what. Keitaro broke the silence.
"Motoko-chan, do you... remember the day that N... the day after our first night together?" Motoko nodded, still holding Keitaro tightly. "Well, that day I told you that the blame and the consequences of that night was something to be shared equally between us, ne?" She nodded again, but looked puzzled. Where was this going? "So, no matter how hard this is, we'll make a decision together. You have the final say, I mean, it's your body, but as it stands we really have only two solutions. Three, I suppose, if you count putting the baby up for adoption." Motoko nodded once more, a look of understanding crossing the emotional forest fire that was currently her face. She spoke.
"There are only two. Adoption would feel worse to me then either of the other two. I couldn't feel that child grow inside of me for nine months, then go through the unbelievable pain of labour only to place it into the hands of someone else and never see it again. So, there are two." Keitaro cocked his head to the side and looked at her.
"Well, which of the two do you think should happen?" Motoko gulped. Clouds of uncertainty, a whole bank of them, had suddenly engulfed her; she was irrevocably lost. The easiest
(hardest)
solution loomed in front of her, something vaguely ominous and threatening.
Abortion.
Could she do it? (Could I really... kill something, no, someone that the sweetest thing I've ever felt in my life produced? Someone that is a part of me, and a part of Keitaro?) She gulped. (Well,) her thoughts started in again, (how important to you are all the things you'll have to give up? Tokyo University... Shinmeiryuu... Everything.)
Motoko bit her lip. More and more, her inner self was telling her that it would be quick, easy, and relatively painless. She could feel herself leaning in that direction, seemingly against the will of her inner warrior, who was screaming in disgust about "taking the easy way out". Keitaro sensed that something was amiss, probably from a change in her facial expression, and he gently prodded her side.
"Motoko-chan? Don't worry about deciding now, I mean, you've got time yet before the, uh... well, you know. Before you can't do... that anymore." Keitaro danced as nimbly around the word abortion as her mind had, and she inwardly sank a little more; fear of displeasing not only that little voice inside her head, but the man she'd come to care so much for. She stuttered meaninglessly for a moment, and then finally managed to wrestle something intelligible from her disagreeable mouth.
"Ano... I believe I'll take you up on that offer, Keitaro-kun. I'm going to go have a short soak in the hot springs, then I'm going to bed." Motoko paused a moment, as if debating whether to continue or not. After a moment, she apparently decided in the affirmative. "You... you can come to bed with me, if you'd like. I don't know about you, but I could certainly use some companionship tonight." Keitaro turned so red he appeared almost purple, and Motoko giggled at that, even in her distressed state. (Although, there was a time when he'd have burst into an uncontrollable nosebleed at something like that. Keitaro's improving.)
"Ano... Of course, Motoko-chan. Not just for your sake, either; I could certainly use some... warmth, tonight. Motoko smiled.
"Good. Well, I'll go bathe, then, and meet you up there in about twenty minutes." Motoko rose, pulling her clothes together in one hand, and her katana in the other. As quickly and silently as a breeze, she glided over to the stairs and disappeared from sight, leaving Keitaro to his thoughts, at least for the next twenty minutes. He rose and dressed, then sat back down on the mat Motoko had been using. He put his head in his hands, only able to hear one thing inside his head:
(What am I going to do? Kami, what am I going to do? Just what am I going to do?!) He sat there; looked up, and saw the stars. Some nights, a long time ago now, he had sat up here and stared at them after some trouble with Naru. They'd offered a strange, silent sort of comfort and companionship to him then. Tonight, they were different; mocking him with their silent, cold gleam.
"Go on, stare all you like," they seemed to say to him, a trickle of wheezy laughter sounding in his mind's ear, "We offer no wisdom for the likes of you. You are on your own." Keitaro sighed heavily. (I wonder what Motoko-chan is planning to do? I mean, I can't see a traditionalist such as her opting for something like abortion... can I?) Suddenly another, different sort of thought came to him. (What would I prefer?) Keitaro fell forwards onto his feet with an audible clunk. How did he feel? (I certainly don't want a child... there's too many things that I – that Motoko, as well, would have to give up. I don't think I'm ready for it. How, though, could I rest easily knowing that I...) He stopped himself.
"I wouldn't be doing it anyway, that would in the end be Motoko-chan's decision." He said aloud. Keitaro glanced at his watch, and noticed that eighteen minutes had passed. Keitaro rose, and made his way downstairs to Motoko's room. A place he never thought he'd find himself at night, but there he was. Just outside the door. A light was on inside, and through the paper wall he could see Motoko's silhouette. She was undressing, or more accurately de-toweling. As she unwound the terrycloth square, her figure (or at least its outline) made itself well-known. Keitaro sniffled back a thin trickle of blood. He had no time for that now. Motoko would be in no mood for such things. He knocked.
"Come in, Keitaro-kun." Her voice floated out to him, light and airy. She sounded much more relaxed than earlier, so he opened the door and went in. A short, fat candle burned on the floor next to Motoko's futon, and she lay already ensconced in the covers. She smiled at him, and made a "come-hither" motion with her left hand. He started towards the futon, and then stopped.
"Ano... what should I wear?" Motoko frowned a little, but her voice was patient.
"Anything you like. You've no need to be embarrassed around me, Keitaro-kun. We've both seen each other in slightly less than socially acceptable attire, you remember." Keitaro cracked a wry grin at that, and removed his pants, leaving his shirt and shorts on as he climbed under the covers, where he changed his mind and removed his shirt as well. Motoko reached out and
grabbed the soap out of its dish beside the springs. She extended one leg above the water, inhaling sharply at the chill that struck her when she did so. Even so, the soap felt nice as she cleansed herself bit by bit. It felt as if she could wash her problems away in these hot springs.
"And that's exactly the problem, you realize." Motoko spoke to herself in the absence of another person, a firm believer in the idea that only crazy people don't talk to themselves. "You're sitting here, trying to forget your problems, when you really should be thinking about what you're going to do. How you're going to break this to everyone, especially..." Her voice trailed off and a terrible, awful thought bloomed in her mind. Tsuruko. Her sister. How would she take this? Motoko froze, and it was in that freeze, which lasted for but a quarter of a second, that her mind was really made up, dear listener. It was then that the delicate balancing act in her mind finally toppled, and she decided to do what she might one day sorely regret: end her pregnancy.
"I... have to." She reasoned with herself. "If I go about it that way, then I don't have to tell anyone, least of all Ane-ue. Nobody will have to know, and I can just continue on as before. Of course I can. Everything will be fine." Motoko put on a smile as she extended an arm to drop the soap back into its dish, and
put a hand on Keitaro's chest. She caressed him gently for a moment, then leaned in and planted a soft kiss in the middle of his forehead. She spoke, very softly, her head down; her eyes not meeting his.
"Keitaro-kun... I know you told me I didn't have to decide today, but I think I know what I want to do. It's not the greatest of plans, but please understand that I have to do this. I can't have a baby right now, as I'm sure you'll agree with. We're not ready to be parents, Keitaro-kun. We have too much ahead of us." Keitaro looked at her, a grim expression on his face, but he slowly nodded.
"I understand, Motoko-chan. I can take you in tomorrow morning, if you'd like. Hikari-san will be able to do it for you, and I'll... I'll pay for it." Motoko's face screwed up in a tight expression at his words, and she tried not to cry, but ended up leaking a little anyway. Keitaro enfolded her in his arms and let her cry against him while he spoke words of comfort in her ears. "Shhh... worry not, Motoko-chan. If you're sure about this, then we'll do it, but if not, then just say so."
"That's the whole problem, baka! I'm not sure, and I don't think there's any way I'll ever be sure, but I have to do this. Do you understand me? I cannot tell Tsuruko about this. She'd kill me first and you second." Noticing the hopeful expression on Keitaro's face, she added: "Oh, you only wish I was kidding. No more talk, tonight. I need to rest, and so do you. I don't want to think about this any more tonight."
"Sumimasen, Motoko-chan. Let's get some rest. Ai... aishiteru." Motoko smiled, and kissed him. It was the first time he'd ever said it first. She put her arms around him and curled up closer, not saying anything. When she felt his breathing deepen and become a regular pattern, she whispered softly into his chest:
"Aishiteru, Keitaro-kun. I hope that we can live with the choice I made tonight." Motoko lay down her head to rest on the shoulder of the man beside her, and sleep soon held her as it already held said man. May fate look kindly on these two poor fools, dear listener, for at that time, they knew not what doors they would open with this choice.
Nor, for that matter, what doors would be closed forever.
End chapter eleven (Ending two)
((Well now, that chapter was easier to write than I expected. By now, I'm sure that you've all guessed what the one critical difference between the two endings is, and where the different pairings are linked to that decision. I've always been very interested in the concept of fate, not in a "divine plan for everyone" sort of sense, but more like looking at chance [or luck, for another way to say it] as fate. If you think about it, chance [the idea that anything can happen to anyone at anytime, nothing is 100% certain, yada yada] is really quite similar to fate [the idea that each of us has a destiny and our lives are merely to fulfill it]. If we've no way to see our destiny, then it's as good as chance, which is totally random. So! This story's "sliding-door" ending is a testament to my belief in chance. You change the smallest thing, and you can end up changing the whole story. True in life as it is here.
Okay, no more philosophy 101 psychobabble from Min here. He's going to bed. I hope you enjoyed the new chapter, and PLEASE REVIEW!
EDIT: HinaGuy, since you've been a loyal reader with good advice from day one, I'll overlook and forgive the fact that you just ORDERED me to change MY story to fit YOUR specifications. Just trust me, my friend. Everything will turn out fine in the end. Have I ever given you reason to doubt me? ;P))