Disclaimer: Yes, as a matter of fact I do own the Harry Potter characters. That's why I'm going to this crappy high school and not off on my own island somewhere. Right.

Thank you so much to Helen, who helped me out with lots of plot specifics, and to Betsy, who disapproved of Draco and Ginny enough to motivate me to write this, and to Chloe who calls me up and yells at me when I'm getting off track.

Another note: This story has some BAD WORDS and some SEXUAL INNUENDO. If you (or your parents) are not INTO THAT, then DON'T READ THIS.

Are we clear? Good, let's get started.

The Harry Potter Soap Opera

Draco Malfoy got up with a smile on his face, feeling good about today's prospects. Not only was he divorcing his wife at breakfast, his secretary was coming back from vacation today, and with any luck, he'd be doing her on his lunch break.

"Wow," he thought, "I'm screwing people all day today!" He continued to grin as he got ready for work, admiring his gorgeous smile in the mirror as he smeared mass amounts of hair gel through his head getting it to just the right boyishly handsome height. It had always been his opinion that his Muggle (and American) counterparts lost the election because their hair looked like it had been cut by a blind man with Parkinson's disease. He believed John Kerry, for an example, had lost the election because of his Afro, and Bush? Please! His hair had obviously been styled to accent his ears, which needless to say, were not his most attractive feature.

Of course, Nader was no looker either, but no one knew who he was when they voted him into office anyway, they just knew that he had to be better then the alternatives.

"Still, hair as good as mine should be well maintained..." Finally satisfied that every strand had been coated, he prepared to go downstairs and face his wife. He was happy about the idea of being divorced, but not so much about his' wife's reaction when she found out.

Ginny Potter woke up in an entirely different mood, with thoughts that went from sleepy to furious very quickly when she realized her husband was not beside her.

"Goddamnit, if he is passed out drunk on that couch, I'm leaving. For real, this time, too. No more of this stand by your man bullshit." But she took her time moving out into the living room, even stopping to dress and apply make up.

Harry was passed out drunk on that couch,but Ginny heardher mother's voice inside of her head, "No one said it would be easy, Ginny. You need to take your place as a wife and start to care for your husband."

"Maybe she's right. I mean, you almost can't blame him. He's seen and heard things I can't even imagine. He didn't even beat me last night, so maybe he's starting to control himself." The argument sounded pathetic, but she (as many in her situation do) ignored her better judgement and told herself it was just a rough spot of marriage.

Ginny looked down at her husband. He really did look very peaceful asleep like that. She reached out to touch his cheek and he stirred a little.

"Christie? Is that you?"

And immediately, all that love was gone. "What did you just say?"

"Oh, Ginny. It's you. I really don't have time right now, I'm in the middle of something important. Love you too." And he was out again.

"You bastard!" Ginny said in a high pitched whisper. There was still about a fifth left in the Firewhiskey bottle on the coffee table next to him and right down her throat it went. The effect kicked in almost immediately, and she went back to the bedroom to start packing her things.

"RON!"

Ron, who had been fixing his hair, jumped and messed it up again. "What's the problem?" he asked

"The problem is that it's five minutes until we start and your sister hasn't shown up yet!" said Hermione, storming into the room at top speed.

"That's not good."

"No shit. Do you have any idea where she could be?"

"I dunno...Maybe her and Harry had another fight?"

"You're probably right...Damn!"

"Soon as I'm done getting ready, I'll try to get through to the house."

Hermione flicked her wand, and the time wrote itself on the mirror in front of Ron. "There isn't any time, we have to start now. If they don't show up, we'll just have to say that they can't make it because they need some time alone together or something."

"I wouldn't worry too much, Herm. She'll turn up arm in arm with Harry eventually."

"I know... It's just that she can sometimes be so self absorbed....I mean here I am working my ass off on your campaign, and she says she supports you, but she can't be bothered to show up for the photo shoot that will announce your candidacy? It's going to look a little funny, don't you think, when one family member is absent from a family photo shoot!"

"Well, she won't be the only one absent," said Ron, grinning a little.

"Percy is a disgrace to this family, Ron, and I'm quite surprised you'd think of him."

"You know, you used to idolize Percy."

"Well, that was before he had a nervous breakdown and moved to Los Angeles"

"Now inhale deeply,"

The whole class took a deep breath.

"Now let out slowly and as you do, release the position and change places so that your partner is on top. Repeat, and that will be our last stretch for the day. You're free to go."

"Oh, I'd never want to leave your class, Mr. Weasley. You make me feel like I've never felt before!" said Melanie, who was about nineteen. There was a chorus of agreement from everyone else in the class.

"Oh please, call me Percy. You know 'Mr. Weasley' makes me feel old." said Percy, who was about thirty, giving them a wink and a smile.

A collective sigh went around the room (A/N: Ew.), and Percy grinned, knowing that with a little more of his charm, at least one of them would be back in his apartment drinking herbal tea by sundown.

"Morning, honey! Eggs and toast for breakfast today." Pansy said brightly. Draco didn't bother to hide his eye roll as he sat down and started buttering his toast. He looked up and saw his wife staring at him. "Are you alright?" she asked. "You seem tense."

Draco took a deep breath. "I want a divorce." he said, bracing himself.

Pansy dropped her coffee cup. Two house elves scurried over and started cleaning up the mess. "You WHAT?" she screeched. Draco winced as her voice jumped an octave.

"I want a divorce, Pansy. Actually," he smirked, "I've already got a divorce." He held out his hand and another elf put a file folder in it. He opened it up and took out some papers. "Zambini drew these up for me last week. I've got it marked where you sign."

"But-but- why? Our marriage was perfect!" she wailed, swatting away a house elf that was trying to clean coffee off her lap.

"Correction: You thought our marriage was perfect."

"What is so wrong with it that it can't be fixed?"

"You're what's wrong, Pansy. I can't stand you. Every time I fall asleep, I hope to God I wake up somewhere else." (It should be noted that this was not entirely true. Most mornings, he did wake up somewhere else and in case you haven't made the inference, he went to bed somewhere else, too.) "You're selfish, weak, and clingy. You've been in St. Mungo's twice for your breakdowns and delusions. When announce that I plan to run for Minister next year, I can't have you ruining my image."

"Your image . . . " It hit Pansy just how much she really meant to her husband, and shock turned into ear splitting sobs.

"Pansy, you can't do anything about it, so I suggest that you stop those infernal wailing sounds and sign the damn papers. I'm going to be late for work."

"I can't believe this. I'm in love with you. You are the reason I get up every morning. You can do no wrong in my eyes. I've loved you since we were fourteen and we went to the Yule Ball together. Draco, do you even remember that? We both looked incredible, and you were wearing-"

"Look, let's not make this harder then it already is." Another false statement. Actually, he was late for work, and he didn't want to be around when Pansy recovered from her current state of helplessness and morphed into rhino mode. "You sign here, here, and here. I want you out of my house by the time I get home. I've rented you a room at a motel, I've written the address somewhere on those papers. You've got two months in there, you're on your own after that. "

"What about my half of our stuff?"

"Ah, our stuff, forgot about that. That would be your clothes, jewelry, and toiletries, along with that abysmal little house elf you bought last year. What was its name? Trixie? All divided in half. There's a list of what's yours in there." he said, motioning to the papers. "You can keep the house elf."

"I don't get it- furniture? House? Broomsticks?"

"Oh yeah, you get a broomstick too. But the house, the furniture? None of them were bought on our joint account. They were bought on the account that I set up a couple of months before we got married. All of "our" stuff is in my account, except for the things you bought- clothes, shoes, etc., which should be split evenly between us."

"The money?" She had stopped crying, but she was getting angrier by the second.

"If you review last month's bill, you'll find a rather large amount of money- all except about 2,500 Galleons, in fact- was transferred to-guess what? My account!"

It was all he could do to keep from smiling. Throughout their marriage, Pansy had whined and bitched at him to buy her fancy things. The irony of the situation shouldn't have been funny, but it was.

Pansy stood up, shaking with rage, and holding a butter knife at a rather dangerous angle. "You bastard! You've been planning this since the beginning, haven't you? All along..."

"Actually, yes. You still get your half of the 2,500 Galleons, though." said Draco,

grabbing his briefcase and heading quickly for the door.

"OK, Draco. Let's play." said Pansy, starting to realize that torturing her husband would give her more pleasure then killing him. "I will sign your papers if you want, but if I do, I will personally ensure that you will regret it for the rest of your life"

Draco was losing his (rather short) temper. "Pansy, I'm late for work. You can keep the papers, but I want the ones which require your signature on the table before you leave."

"What if I don't leave?" Pansy asked, lifting her chin up. She was trying to sound defiant, but all she managed was pathetic.

Draco was halfway out the door, but poked his head back in. "You don't want to be here when I get home." he said, making his voice as dangerous sounding as he could without laughing. Then he walked out, whistling, hoping that she'd sign the papers and get it over with.

Two or three hours later, Ginny had finished packing all of her things, and she did mean all of her things. She wasn't leaving any of her stuff around for Harry to mess with or throw away or give to Christie, whoever the hell she was.

"Little slut." She looked around. She knew she had everything but something still felt unfinished. "Aha! I know" She picked up a nearby vase and threw it against the wall. "Much better." Exercising unusual foresight, she put a sleeping charm on Harry, then set to work.

When she had completely finished trashing the house, she went into the kitchen, and Magic Mirrored the house where Neville and Colin, her two closest friends, were currently living. Colin answered.

"Oh hi, Ginny!" He looked at the kitchen behind her. "Uh oh...Um...Where's Harry?"

"I put a sleeping charm on him. He'll be out for another couple of hours. You still have a guest room in your house right?"

"Well, yeah, but Nevy was kind of using it..."

"Oh. You've hit a rough spot?"

"Oh no, but when we were sleeping together, we didn't get any sleep" He winked

suggestively.

"Ew. Colin, I don't ask about your sex life because I don't want to know."

"Homophobe"

"Actually, I feel the same way about straight people. Look, can I have your couch for a

while? I'm leaving Harry, the stupid bastard."

"You're leaving Harry? But you guys were per-"

"Don't start with me!" She noticed a couple of documents that looked important to Harry's work and lit them on fire. "I'm in a very vulnerable placeright now! Can I stay with you or not? Cause I sure as hell do not want to stay with my family!"

"Ginny, there is always room in our guest bedroom for you, especially if you don't mind the noise!"

"I'll take the couch..."

Colin looked disappointed.