"Dwayne...Dwayne, I know."
My head shoots up, and I swallow nervously.
"You know? You know what?"
"I know how you feel. I know that you're..."
"Please!" I cry out, closing my eyes briefly. "Don't finish that thought."
"But I know," Adam says firmly. "You're gay." I can't open my eyes. "You're gay, and you're in love with me."
I double over, my breath is suddenly gone. I gulp soundlessly, trying to suck air into my lungs, trying to breathe again, trying to live. I look up at Adam, who stares down at me, a malicious glint in his eyes.
"I hate you, I hate you. I hatehatehatehatehatehatehatehate...."
I wake up, sweating and breathing heavily. I press my hand to my forehead; it is hot to the touch. I bite my lip and push my sweaty hair away from my face. I swallow heavily
It wasn't real. It was just a dream. ...justadreamjustadreamjustadream...
Within minutes, my breathing slows, my chest stops heaving, and my eyes are filled with salty tears. I blink, allowing a few of them to fall, then brush them away roughly with my fingers.
I still and give my eyes a few moments to adjust to the dark. Adam is across the room, unaware, sleeping peacefully.
I slip carefully out of my own bed and pad softly to his.
I gaze down at Adam. His disheveled hair falls into his eyes, the twisted white sheets rest around his waist, and his head is thrown back, exposing his throat. I reach out a tentative hand and brush my fingers over his forehead, pushing his hair back.
"You wouldn't do that, would you, Adam?"
He rolls over in his sleep, and I freeze, worry that he'll awake, that he'll see me standing there, that he'll have felt my hands on his face, and that he'll start asking questions that I'm just not ready to answer.
Adam breathes heavily in his sleep, while I find my own breath caught. He sighs softly and settles further back into his pillows. When I'm convinced he is still asleep, I exhale as quietly as possible...and can't resist and become bold again, brushing the pads of my fingers over Adam's exposed collarbone.
"I can't help it, I can't help the way I feel, things just happen...love just happens..."
I know I'm justifying my feelings more to myself than to him. Adam has no idea of these feelings, of the love that had "just happened."
Lately, I've been entertaining thoughts of telling him.
Just to see what he would say.
Just so I could see the reaction play across his perfect features.
Just...just because sometimes I like to disillusion myself into thinking he might love me back, that he might spread his arms...and welcome me into his world, welcome me into perfection.
I've always wanted to visit.
Quietly, I slink back to my own bed and slide under my own blankets. I lie there, gazing at the ceiling. Red dots dance in front of my eyes as I strain to adjust to the tiny amount of light. Slowly, very slowly, I drift off to sleep...
**