I sit on my bed in the corner of the room and lean my back against the wall. I am staring blankly out into space, and it's the most interesting thing I've done all day.


I've missed all of my classes. There was no way I'd have been able to function, especially in the two classes I share with Adam...even if they are only gym and lunch. (Adam is in all the advanced courses and I'm...not.)


Once the building was unlocked, I crept in as quietly as possible. By the time I arrived back to our room, Adam was already awake and in the shower. I climbed into bed and lie there, silent and still. Adam either didn't notice me or didn't acknowledge the fact that he had because twenty minutes later, I heard the door shut behind him.


I call Coach Orion and let him know that I'm not going to be able to make it to the after-school practice today. I tell him that I'm sick and that I got very little sleep last night. I can tell by his tone of voice that he's worried about me. He doesn't push the issue though, much to my surprise, and lets me off the hook, with a warning that if I miss any more, I'll be benched the next game.


I tell him I understand and thank him for allowing me to miss.


After I hang up the phone, I go back to staring at the nothingness before me.


Suddenly, the nothingness is replaced with Adam.


"Dwayne," he says quietly, and I jump three feet into the air. "Sorry," he mutters his apology.


"Adam!" What the hell is he doing here? "Why aren't you at practice?"


"I told Orion that since you're sick, you need me, your roommate, to look after you,"Adam offers a small smile. I don't return one.


"I'm not sick," I mutter. I can't think of anything else to say. Maybe it will make him go away. I know it won't, even as I think it, even as I say it out loud, try it.


"I know. I lied," Adam replies simply.


I glance at him sharply then tear my eyes away, look just over and beyond his left shoulder.


"Look, Dwayne, we need to talk."


"Not now." I move to stand up, and Adam's hand pushes me back down to the bed.


"Yes, now."


I stubbornly try to stand up again, but Adam pushes me down once more and levels me with a hard glare. I close my eyes briefly and cross my arms, waiting for...well, I'm not exactly sure...I don't know whether Adam will hit me or start to yell or start to cry...I have no idea what his reaction will be, and all this uncertainty makes me a bit nervous...well, terrified, really...


"Dwayne...and please don't stop me, you need to hear this, and I have to tell you now...Bear with me, I don't really know how to convey my feelings into actual words." He takes a deep breath, looks as though he's mentally preparing himself. "Dwayne...I think the first thing you need to know...is that I'm gay, too."


I am completely shell-shocked.


What am I supposed to say to this?


What is my reaction supposed to be?


I don't quite know, and...when Adam told me he needed to talk to me...if I'd been given a million guesses, this wouldn't have been one of them. The room is spinning, just a bit, and I probably would hit the floor in shock if it weren't for Adam standing right there...the only thing keeping me functioning is my desperate need to hear everything else he has to say.


"No one really knows. My parents and my brother do...a few of my other relatives. None of my friends, none of the Ducks, although Charlie's asked me about it a couple times, so he obviously suspects. I was thinking about coming out just before Christmas break, at our annual party...but...I guess I thought you should know now."


I know he told me not to interrupt him, but I can't resist. "Why?"


He sighs. "Just because...it's a piece of information you need to have before you can hear anything else I have to say."


I'm smiling, I'm sure of it, I'm smiling so hard my face hurts, and when Adam looks up from his hands he was so intently studying, he frowns deeply, and shakes his head, ever so slightly. I notice.


"It's not...just...don't get your hopes up."


I lean back against the wall; all the air has whooshed out of my lungs. That brief moment of happiness had been...it had been like nothing I'd ever felt or experienced before. I'd wanted it to last forever and...now my hopes were most certainly not up; they'd crashed into the ground with the sadness in his voice.


"But I just wanted to let you know that I'm gay, so...I'm not..." He's struggling to find the right words, and I have to interrupt him again.


"Don't worry about being blunt, Adam. There's not much more you can do to my heart; it's already broken."


Pain flashes very briefly through his eyes. "I didn't mean to..."


"I know you didn't," I say softly. "But that didn't stop it from happening."


"I just..." He's struggling again, trying to regain control of the conversation, regain his composure. "We can't be together, Dwayne, and I just want you to know that it's not because I'm not gay or not..." he swallows thickly, "attracted to you."


I'm struck again with no idea of how to react. I simply open my mouth then close it again...I repeat this action several times, and I must look like a completely idiotic goldfish.


"It's just..." He stops for the umpteenth time in our conversation that was supposed to be a diatribe. He chuckles softly and shakes his head, incredulously. "I just, I never thought I'd be having this conversation with you. I mean, we all thought...Connie..."


Ah, yes, I was well aware of what the team all thought. The fact that I'd saved Connie from the Icelandic goon was material that caused the two of us to be teased for weeks following. It would have been too difficult (and I was nowhere near ready) to explain the fact that I'd prefer the other half of Connie-and-Guy than the pretty brunette I'd rescued, so I let the teasing continue until Portman caught Julie and Russ kissing in the locker room, which became new fodder for the jokes...


Besides, I was just being a gentleman. Where I come from, we treat ladies with respect.


"But, I'd kind of always known," Adam continues. "I'd noticed there was something different about you. I just never thought it was the same thing as was different about me. But I'd wondered, especially recently...my ideas were slowly becoming solidified. It wasn't necessarily that you became more obvious. I think I just knew what to look for, and I saw it." My cheeks burn. "And the things you said...you did become more bold, I think. And I...I was sure. I didn't know how to react, really, I didn't know what to say to you. But I could tell it was affecting you, you looked as if you were slowly suffering, slowly going insane. Sleeping in, spacing out...having to leave practice. I told you I would be there for you. I still want to be there. And I thought...I thought the best way was to just ask you about it."


I listen in silence, my cheeks still bright red and very warm. It seemed like Adam watched me like I watched him. Only I was too busy watching him to notice.


"So I did. Or...I tried to, but you stopped me. And I might as well have asked you, because you gave me the answer anyway. And then...what you said, I wasn't expecting it, I wasn't expecting it at all. What you think about missing something, about being imperfect, about needing..." he stops abruptly, "something to fix it."


"You," I whisper, feeling suddenly compelled and not caring about interrupting him. "Not just something, Adam. You. I need you. I really do."


He looks down, suddenly fascinated with his hands again. His hair falls into his eyes and tears shine on his eyelashes. "Please don't tell me that, Dwayne. You're making this harder than it already is."


"What's so hard?"


"Telling you that I can't...I can't be the one to fix you, Dwayne. I can't give that to you, and you can't ask that of me."


"But..."


"Dwayne," Now he interrupts me, "you can't do this to me. And you certainly can't do this to yourself."


"But you said...you're gay! And you even said you're attracted to me. You've done more than I ever could. You said it, I just don't understand why you're pushing me away. I don't understand why we can't be together."


"Because I don't want you to be with me just to fix some void in your life, some hole in your soul. We can't do this...we can't do this to ourselves."


I'm sitting here, not quite understanding everything that's going on in front of me. I'm listening to these words, half of which I never thought I'd hear - Adam is gay, Adam is attracted to me, Adam could want to be with me - and the other half I never wanted to hear - Adam can't be with me, we can't be together, we can't do this to ourselves...


Nothing's clicking in my brain.


Maybe I am an idiot.


I just don't understand why we can't make it work.


I tell him so.


"Dwayne...we can't make it work, because we'll never be in a real relationship."


"What are you talking about? A 'real' relationship? I love you! Is that real enough for you? I love you, I love you!"


"Please, stop. Please."


"I can't stop. I can't stop loving you. It's not just going to happen."


"Dwayne, do you love me or do you love the idea of me? Do you love everything that you think you know about me, everything that you wish you had?"


I'm crying now, because he knows me so well, because he understands things that I feel and can articulate them better than I can. "I just know..." I hiccup softly. "I just know that when I'm with you...I love you...and...you just make me feel so...you're everything that I want, that I need."


"And I can't be what you need, Dwayne," he stops and looks as though he's very carefully choosing his next words. "We can't do this to ourselves. You can't put me on such a pedestal, you can't have these expectations of me, because...I'll never be able to fulfill them. I don't want to disappoint you, I don't want to hurt you, believe me, I don't. But I can't give you what you want. I can't try to be perfect for you, because I'm not perfect. I don't know why or how you think I am, but I just...I can't say yes and then not be what you want."


"But you are what I want."


Adam shakes his head, closes his eyes. "I can't be."


"Can't we just...try?" And damned if my voice doesn't crack on the word "try." I swear, I've cried more in the past five days that I have in the three years before. I've shed more tears over this boy in front of me than anyone else, except my father.


"No." Adam says bluntly.


Okay, well, I need to be out of here. Now.


Adam doesn't try to stop me as I brush past him, cursing the fact that my skin still tingles when it comes in contact with his.