But Tezuka, I never meant to hurt you

by akiyume kye

Disclaimer: Not mine- no money, don't sue.

Pairings: TezuFuji

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Dear Tezuka,

My past was filled with darkness. I was never accepted. I was never noticed. To my parents, I was never alive.
In their eyes, I was a freak. A boy who turned out looking like a girl. That was what I was to them all these years.

Yet it was you, who held me in the night, when darkness enveloped the earth. It was you, Tezuka, who spoke words into the dark, bringing me light. You spoke to me, you comforted me. You never slept before I did, because you wanted to be there to hug me if I couldn't go to sleep. You always woke up before I did from a dreadful dream of my past, to offer a simple kiss, a light touch.

I couldn't run away from my past, no matter how hard I tried. And it was you, Tezuka, who helped me look to the future.
To look for what was good in it.

Thank you for teaching me that. To look for the good in evil, like the bright moon in the darkness. Like a tiny fish in the vast ocean.
I did.

And that good in the future was you, Tezuka.
Because you were what my parents never were.
Because you were there when I was alone.
Because you filled my yearn for acceptance with your love.

But Tezuka, I'm tired.
I'm tired of trying to hide. I'm tired of trying to lie.
To everyone.
To myself.
To you.

You are the last person I would want to hurt. Yet I know I have plunged a knife into your heart. Others saw you as the cold hearted buchou, but I saw more. I saw your heart. The heart that you opened, only for me. The heart that looked so cold, but was fragile. Like mine, it was easily broken.
But Tezuka, I've been through more pain than you have. My heart was fragile, and still is, but I have learnt how to mend the pieces back. You have not.
I know how you feel now, but Tezuka, you don't believe me anymore, do you?

I was selfish. I made you suffer more than you should. I made your heart break when it shouldn't.
It should have been mine alone. Yet now, I've broken yours too.
Tezuka, I didn't mean it.
But I had to.
The longer we were together, the longer you would be pained.
When I said "I love you", I meant it in my heart, but my heart couldn't feel it to its fullest. I couldn't feel the full power of those majestic words. The words that meant more than anything in the world. Yet I failed to express the true meaning of it.

I still do want to say those words, but Tezuka, I wouldn't be meaning it.Its not that I don't want to.
I've tried. But I can't.
I still want to say those 3 words, because I know I still feel for you.
But Tezuka, its not the full intensity I thought I felt. If it is not meant whole heartedly, it has no meaning.
As long as a part of my heart does not love, be it small, the words mean nothing.

You believed me. I know you did. Because I saw your smile. The smile that no one else saw.
I made that smile appear.
Yet it is I, who has ripped it off from your face.
But Tezuka, I really didn't mean to.

I wanted to continue. I wanted to keep you by my side all of my days.
I wanted to share my happiness with you. I wanted you to help ease my pain.
I wanted to love you. But now I realize, I never did.
Because love without full intensity was nothing.
Love, that failed to reach its fullest potential was worthless.

I step alone into an empty house each day after we parted. I looked to my side, but you weren't there anymore.
The voice that so gently called me Syuusuke couldn't be heard anymore. You never called me that the day I asked for a break up.
I walked up the stairs, but you weren't behind to catch me if I fell. I sat at my desk, but you weren't helping me anymore.

Because I broke you.
I broke your heart.

I still want to hear those comforting words when I sleep in the darkness each night.
I still want to feel your touch when I wake up from a bad dream at night.
I still want to sleep knowing that you will sleep, only after I do.

But Tezuka, I can't. I can't let my needs tie you down to me.
Because you deserve more.
You deserve a person who could love you more wholly than I could. You deserve a person who could give you what you gave. You deserve a person who would never make your heart break.

And that person is not me, no matter how much I wished it was.

That was why I let you go.
I didn't deserve you.
I never did, at the start.
Because you deserve more.

You deserve someone who could say "He is my boyfriend" and feel it with all of his heart.
Not like I did.

There was that tiny space that I couldn't give. I couldn't fill it with love.
Because it was filled up with something else. And that was my past.
The terrible past that I thought had gone when you came into my life was still there.
It still haunted me.

That was why night after night, I woke you up with my dreams.
That was why day after day, I struggled to stay awake in class.
Those dreams. The darkness.
My past.
It was my past that brought us together, yet it is my past that has taken us apart.

Gomen , Tezuka. Gomen ne.
I never meant to. You don't deserve this.

I feel like a monster. I have eaten you up.
I have eaten your smile. Your heart. Your very being.
Because I was selfish.
Because I thought I deserved you.
But I was wrong.
You deserved more.
I don't know what I am anymore. I don't recognize the smiling face that I see in the mirror staring back at me anymore.

I wear my mask day after day.
I thought I could hide from it all.
I lost myself. I don't know what I've become.

Because I have broken you.
I have broken your heart.

But Tezuka, I never meant to.

Now that I'm leaving, I want you to know the truth.
The truth that you've silently been pleading for all this time.
Tezuka, gomen.
I never meant to hurt you.
I still want to say those words Tezuka, but I can't.
Because saying them without my whole heart is meaningless.

I never taught I'd be leaving this world without saying those words to you.
But even if I knew that, I couldn't say it more.
Because you didn't deserve words like these, that weren't said with full passion.

The past has robbed me. And it has broken you.
When my mother left me with that man years ago, I never thought he'll do that to me.
When he locked me up alone with him in the room, and when he pinned me down onto the bed, all my cries went unheard.
She didn't care. I was never alive to her.
And now, I'm faced with the consequence of my past.
A consequence I can't ignore.
Because it is taking my life.
But Tezuka, it has already taken yours.
Because I was selfish.

Gomen ne, Tezuka.

If you are still reading this, thank you, Tezuka.
Because your time deserved more.

If you are still reading this, thank you, Tezuka.
Because maybe then, I could rest in peace.

Those 3 words are threatening to escape from my heart now, but I can't.
Because it would be meaningless, as much as I don't want it to be.

I want to call you Kunimitsu again, but I can't.
Because you deserve someone better calling you that.

And sadly, that person is not me, as much as I wished it were.

Gomen ne, Tezuka.

I never meant to hurt you.

Fuji Syuusuke

17 September 2004

11:59 pm
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A tear slid down his cheeks. He looked at his calendar- 21 September 2004.
It was 3 days after Fuji's death.

He had passed away a minute after writing the letter that day.

18 September.
The same day, many years ago, when they became lovers under a sakura tree.
And it was that same day, years later, when they broke up.
Yet now, it was on that same day, that Fuji had left the world.

Tezuka had only found the courage to read it after the funeral.
Why didn't you tell me the reason earlier?
I didn't mind! I didn't mind that tiny part of you that couldn't love!
Why didn't you tell me earlier, Syuusuke? Why?
Why?

Why didn't you?

But it was too late.
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Alternative ending available.

Please R&R. Thanks.