Hey, I changed my name. Does anybody care/notice? Eh, oh well.
I don't own Grim, Conan or Andy. However, I do own Jude, Ewan, myself, and Downy detergent.
Chapter Three: Grim Reaps the Immortal Soul of Conan O'Brien
Extremely exhausted, Grim torpidly transported himself back to what he thought was Frotu's house in Gilbert Arizona.
"All dis reaping is really taking a toll on me body," Grim groaned, rubbing his skull. "When I get home, I'm going to draw a nice warm bubble bath and soak in it for three hours while listening to my Bruce Springstein albums."
He smiled at the thought.
The portal opened and Grim stepped through into unfamiliar territory. It seemed as if he knew where he was but he couldn't quite place it. He wondered where Frotu was hiding and if so, why was she hiding in the first place.
Suddenly a pair of green eyes appeared in a dark corner of the room.
…Oh yeah, and I forgot to mention the room was dark because it was nighttime. Sorry.
"Frotu?" Grim ventured.
The eyes only stared back at him.
"Frotu, cut it out," he sighed, reaching over with the butt of his scythe to poke the figure hiding in the corner.
"GAH DON'T TOUCH ME WITH THAT!" screamed the owner of the eyes in a British accent as he slapped the stick away and scurried out of the corner. Grim could've sworn he'd seen the guy in a movie recently. But why would a famous celebrity hang out in a lame person's house?
"Chill out, Jude," a female voice reproached from the other side of the room.
Grim looked over to see the outline of a girl with humongous hair perched on a chair.
"You're not Frotu," Grim observed.
"Very good, Grim," she congratulated.
"How did you know my name?"
"I have problems and I watch ridiculous shows," she explained and then paused. "Don't mind them. They're just stupid."
As soon as she said that, Grim looked down to see the faces of Jude Law and Ewan McGregor staring up at him with their big eyes. Ewan opened his mouth and stuck his tongue out the side.
"Right. So if you're not Frotu, where is she?"
"I dunno. You must've been redirected. But I'm really glad you're here. I've been wanting you to do something for me."
"Oh no…" Grim groaned cupping his forehead in his hand.
"Hey!" the girl snapped in order to receive his attention. "If you do this for me, I'll let you reap MY soul."
"I don't want to reap any more souls. I just want to go home and take my bubble ba—" Grim stopped short as soon as Jude and Ewan began to pet the folds of his robe. "Stop dat!"
"Okay, how about if you DON'T do this, I'll order those two to follow you around everywhere," the girl suggested. "And I won't give you directions to Frotu's house."
"Oh all right. Just tell me what you want."
"I'm mad."
"Dat's nice."
"I'm mad because someone made me mad."
"Who, pray tell, made you mad?"
But instead of answering directly, the girl was too into her accusation spiel that she stood up and dramatically paced the room for affect. "He made a promise and vowed to keep it, but instead he let me down and shall forever be sorry for what he has done to me, for I have now found a way to reap my revenge."
"Get to da point," Grim grumbled, ignoring Jude rubbing his head against Grim's thigh.
The girl let her arms drop as she sighed. "He promised it would be a good show with good guests and great music…but it was all a lie. He lied through his teeth…"
"Who lied?"
"The one they call…Conan O'Brien."
Suddenly, a brown furry creature popped out from the Vaseline container and announced "Dun dun dun!" before zipping back inside, taking Grim by total surprise.
"What the hey?"
Then the girl plastered on a wide grin and clasped her hand together whilst kicking one leg back. "So if it's not too much trouble would you mind reaping his immortal soul?" she asked in her sweetest tone of voice while batting her eyelashes.
"Wait, wait. So just because some talk show host said the show would be good and it sucked, you want me to kill him?" Grim ventured.
"Oh, is reaping immortal souls the same as killing?" she asked.
"Yeeeees…"
"Oh. Well, in that case, yes," she grinned.
Grim let out a heavy sigh and laid his head back. "Let it be known that I'm only doing dis so I can get back home."
"Whatever," she chirped happily.
After shaking Jude and Ewan off his legs, Grim sliced a hole in the air and stepped through it and transported himself to New York City.
When the tear was sealed up, the girl stepped out from the darkness and ripped off her mask.
"BUAHAHAHAHA! I can't believe it actually worked!" Ewan laughed as he tossed the Forkie mask aside and took off the huge Forkie wig. "Now I'll finally be rid of that stupid Irish prick once and for all! YAAAAAS!"
Jude stood up and pulled off his Jude mask.
"I still think we should've done Ethan Hawke instead. I mean Forkie has more reasons to be mad at HIM," he told Ewan who waved it off in response.
"O'Brien was a better goose. Besides, I don't think many people will miss him."
At that second, the door to the bedroom flew open and the real Forkie stormed inside. "WHAT are you two doing?!" she demanded of both of them, punching her fists into her hips.
"Your friend dropped by so we decided to give him a little something to do," Ewan smiled.
"Are you wearing my blouse?" she asked, noticing Ewan's getup.
Ewan looked down at the white lacy shirt as Jude pointed and laughed at him.
"Hahaha! Ewan's a trannie!" he guffawed.
Forkie let out an exasperated grunt as she surveyed her room. "Wait a minute, if you were dressed up as me, and Jude was dressed up as…himself, who's that dressed up as Ewan?" she asked as she pointed to the other Ewan sitting on the floor.
That Ewan stood and pulled off the mask.
"RAAAAAWR!" roared the huge bear as he ripped his teeth into the rubber mask and began to chase Ewan and Jude around the room.
"DAAAH!" they both screamed as they retreated out the door and went tumbling down the stairs afterwards, followed by noises of several crashes and shattering glass.
Forkie shrugged and bit into her sandwich.
§§§ SEXY BREAK §§§
As Grim sailed through the portal, he was struck head-on by a large spherical figure and was projected into another branch of the portal.
"Hey!" he screamed as he was flipped over. Before he was sucked away, he caught a glimpse of the thing that hit him.
"Hi, Griiiiiiim!" yelled Billy as he flew through the other end of the portal and out of sight.
"Oh good gravy," he muttered before he hit the real world and passed out as a result.
§§§ SEXY BREAK §§§
"The Grim Adventures of Grim will return in a moment," said the announcer before fading into a commercial.
The lovable huggable snuggly teddy bear stepped out from the darkness of a forest and held up a box of Downy laundry detergent.
"Downy makes things soft and cuddly like meeeee. I'm so soft and cuddly and everybody loves me," he announced, licking his paw and rubbing his chest. "People buy my product because I'm an icon."
He then proceeded to strip naked but was rudely interrupted by a bowl of peanuts that had flown literally out of nowhere and struck him in the head so hard that his furry head altogether was blown off his neck. His decapitated body stood for a few seconds, swayed a bit and then fell forwards into the dirt.
A group of mice approached it and started to eat at the fuzz but the image was cut away from and a soothing image of a koala bear replaced it for the rest of the thirty seconds.
The next commercial featured two fingers with faces drawn on them making out (and by making out, I mean being rubbed together) in a field.
"Mmm…mmm…" they said through their kissing.
"Hey, Barbara what's that?" the guy finger asked, pulling away and looking out yonder.
The girl finger gasped. "It looks like Frankenstein is here!"
"Quick! To the windmill!" he suggested.
"To the windmill, to the windmill!" they shouted, running off, signaling the end of the commercial which wasn't really much of a commercial on account of not really advertising anything in particular.
…That was really stupid.
§§§ SEXY BREAK §§§
Grim opened his eyes…somehow, and surveyed his surroundings. He seemed to be in another bedroom only this time, it was a lot bigger and more luxurious than any other bedroom he'd been in. Then Grim noticed he was in his pajamas and night cap so he figured he had dreamt the entire adventure.
That was, until an arm reached over and dropped across his chest.
Grim gulped and looked over to see a mass of matted red hair on top of the pillow next to him. He figured it was some girl who'd passed out next to him during the night.
"Mmm…" came the voice which wasn't exactly a woman's voice but also not quite male.
"Uhm…excuse me," Grim piped up tapping the arm with his bony finger.
The person next to him snorted and writhed under the covers. "My next guest is Fabio…" he mumbled while turning.
At that, Grim knew exactly what was going on. So he screamed in horror and scrambled out of the bed.
"The bats are coming!" Conan O'Brien screeched as he sat up in the bed, still half-asleep, and noticed Grim trying to escape the room. "Oh yeah?" he threatened, snatching up a rifle from under the pillow and cocking it.
"No! It's just a dream! Go back to sleep!" Grim pleaded as he fumbled with the doorknob but couldn't grip it due to lack of fingerprints. Conan ignored him and aimed the rifle at him. "Wait…why am I trying to use a door?" Grim wondered as he quickly tore a hole in the air with his scythe and jumped into it just before five bullets pierced the door.
Grim fell through the blue and orange striped portal for only a few seconds before landing in an office building. He stood, dusted off his black robes and looked around to notice the cubicles surrounding him.
"Oh great. I'm in hell," he grumbled.
"Hey, good job guys," came an all-too familiar voice from one of the cubicles. Grim shrieked and dove behind a wall as soon as Conan O'Brien walked halfway into the hall and shouted inside, "Just keep those Walker Texas Ranger clips coming. Who knew I could host a show just by pulling a lever?" He then threw his head back and laughed maniacally as he strolled past Grim to another cubicle.
"Man, now I can understand why she wants this guy dead," Grim whispered to himself as he followed him.
However, he was halfway to his destination when he had a bladder attack and rushed off to the men's room.
…Grim was a special skeleton and was devoid of all internal organs except a bladder.
See? I am the master of plot holes.
"Whatcha got?" Conan asked, dropping into a chair at the head of a conference table. His writers cleared their throats and timidly shuffled their feet, avoiding his eyes. "Well?" he prodded.
"Er…all we can think of is…" one of them began but trailed off.
"What? Come on, I'm getting desperate. I'll take anything."
"Well, we were thinking of doing a grim reaper sketch."
"A grim reaper sketch?" Conan echoed skeptically.
"Yeah, you know. Like, we could have him walk on and pretend to try to eat your soul but you could, like, I dunno, kick him in the balls or something at the end."
Conan slowly blinked as he stared at him.
"And this is ALL you could come up with in three days?" he asked.
"Er…yes?"
"Ah, fine. It's not like we haven't done worse," Conan shrugged as a flashback overtook the scene.
"I just wish Jeffrey Dahmer was alive to see this," a 31 year-old Conan joked before the entire audience erupted into jeers and began pelting him with random objects. "DAHH! QUIT THAT!" he screamed over the outbursts.
A set of car keys flew out of the audience and struck Conan in the face.
"OKAY, WHO THREW THAT?!" he demanded, beginning to foam hysterically at the mouth. "FUCK YOU TOO!" he yelled as he pointed to the audience and stormed off the set, leaving Andy Richter all by his lonesome.
The audience fell silent as the camera focused in on him.
"Er…" he began, looking around nervously. "Heh…"
He then jumped up from the couch and did a ho down whilst kicking his legs to the side like a hick. This only irritated the audience and he was soon thereafter pelted with things too.
The flashback ended abruptly and Conan forced a grin. "Okay, let's do that. Then we can just BS the rest of it like always."
By the time Grim returned from the bathroom, Conan was nowhere to be found.
"Rats," he cursed, but then noticed a box of Krispy Kreme donuts open on the conference table and happily helped himself to it.
§§§ SEXY BREAK §§§
A few hours later, Grim had stumbled upon the studio where Late Night with Conan O'Brien was being filmed and decided to search for Conan there. Since his name was in the title of the show, Grim figured he'd be there.
Grim is smart.
He spotted a guy at the drinking fountain and decided to approach him and ask for Conan's whereabouts.
"Excuse me," Grim said, tapping him on the shoulder. "Do you know where I can—"
"Hey man, what are you doing?" the guy suddenly asked grabbing Grim's shoulder. "You're on in like thirty seconds!" Before Grim could object, the guy was practically shoving him through the hall to a set of double doors. "Get in there, man!" he said, opening the doors and pushing him inside.
"But I need to find—" Grim began but collided with a person hidden under a black cloak very much like his. The collision was so hard, in fact, that Grim's scythe had impaled the other person through the chest. "Oh, my bad. Sorry about dat. Here, let me get dat for you," Grim assured, ripping the scythe from the person's chest.
As Grim wiped the blood off the metal with his sleeve, he looked up to see his prey sitting at a desk in the middle of the stage, casually talking to one of the cameras.
"Hey, it's him," Grim noticed. "I think I'll go take his soul now so I can get home."
Grim stepped over the body of the other actor and made his way across the set.
"So then I told him it was under the table!" Conan concluded, causing little response from his audience. "Oh my God," he dramatically exclaimed. "Just how terrible WAS that joke?"
As soon as he said that, Grim appeared next to him.
THIS made the audience laugh.
"Wow, they actually find this funny. They must really hate this guy," Grim thought before saying, "I am the Grim Reaper, and I am here to reap your immortal soul."
"The Grim Reaper?" Conan echoed. "You're here to reap my immortal soul? But…I only told a bad joke!"
"You also lied and said it would be a good show," Grim replied, causing the audience to laugh more. "You have let down many fans and now you must pay."
"Okay, look, I know I've done a lot of bad things in my life but I really don't think it's my time to die yet," Conan compromised. "Besides, I think Max has done a lot worse than me."
When the camera cut to Max, he was found biting the head off a fake kitten. "Nonsense," he assured through the mouthful of fur.
"But I've come for YOU," Grim said, pointing to him, revealing his bone finger. The audience 'ooo'ed and 'ahh'ed over the highly improved special effects and make-up the show had garnered over the weekend.
"No!" Conan objected stubbornly.
This pissed Grim off quite a bit. "YES!" he rebuked.
"All right, Mr. Reaper, I've had it with you," Conan said, standing up and ripping off his jacket, causing all the women in the audience to squeal. "If you want my soul, you're gonna have to fight me for it!"
Grim only stood in one spot as Conan did a bunch of random kung-fu moves around him, leaping on top of his desk whilst screeching mock Japanese and making a complete ass of himself.
Grim looked at his watch.
"Wooooooaaaaaaaaaaaa!" Conan concluded, holding his arms high over his head and kicking Grim in the groin area.
Only annoyed and confused, Grim stood his ground and stared at him. Conan nervously chuckled and glanced at the director who shrugged helplessly in response.
"Uh…hey, you're supposed to collapse in pain, Mr. Reaper," Conan improvised.
Grim rolled his eyes and slashed Conan's body in half with his scythe in one swift motion, causing the audience to erupt in hysterical laughter.
"I think you've learned your lesson," Grim huffed before giving a short satisfied nod and gliding out of the studio.
After three minutes had passed and neither of Conan's halves had moved an inch with the exception of a series of twitching once they hit the ground, the audience's laughter died down and slowly evolved into horrified screams which eventually led to an all-out panic, resulting in several people rushing out of the studio and buying bottled water and Downy detergent.
The pathetic thing about this chapter is that flashback actually happened. Review please.