2 Decisions

Disclaimer: They don't belong to me, I will return them in short order. In my world Speed lives, (just not in this one).

The sun had begun to set as Alexx pulled her car into her parking space. After leaving the cemetery, she had driven the streets of Miami, hoping that she would have enough courage to follow through with her decision. She drove until she her will had become strong , until she had a firm intent. It was that intent that was fueling her now. She would take care of the nagging pain that had not subsided at the cemetery.

Getting out of her car, she noticed as both Calleigh and Eric had left for the day, but the Hummer was still in its space. The gentle breeze that was with her when she was pouring out her pain, became evident. It knew her intentions. It soothe her fears and replenished her strength. She walked with purpose towards the building , knowing that this is where she had to be . She had to do this, no matter the cost.

Opening the doors, Alexx exhaled lightly, thankful that she had come at the right time. The day shift had left, and a few people on the night shift lingered in the lobby. She walked, setting her gaze on the bank of elevators. She caught one as it was going down and waited for anyone else to enter. When they didn't , she leaned on the elevator wall as the doors slid quietly together. Exhaustion had not yet claimed her , she was running on the pain and despair that she had carried for almost a year, and she wanted to shed it. She wanted to sleep. She wanted peace. The doors of the elevator opened and Alex x found herself staring at the doors to the morgue. Her determination waned slightly as she placed a hand on the door. Would he be there as he had always been, greeting her with sadness in his eyes? Would she hear his voice that echoed in her mind daily? Could she actually leave him as she planned to do? The questions swirled in her mind , making her dizzy. She closed her eyes and pushed the door open.

Entering the autopsy theater, Alexx walked quickly, mindful not to dwell on the stainless steel tables. She turned the lights on in her office, then did the same for her computer. Navigating

past her growing case files, Alexx thought out her plan. She would type the letters , deliver them, then leave. They deserved more, but it was all that Alexx could give them right now. She placed her fingers on the keyboard, then began to type. As she composed , the feelings came to surface and spilled onto the screen. They would know how she felt, finally understand what she had been going through. They would know that even though she had a full life , a family, she still felt empty without him. They would know why she had to leave, to get away, how the memories were slowly killing her. She wept as she typed , her soul being transferred from inside . When she was finished , she exhaled heavily then printed. As she waited , she felt a sudden urgency to get up and look into the autopsy theater. Stopping momentarily, she placed a hand on the doors leading to the room and took in a breath. Pushing the doors open, she saw him. Sitting on the very table that he lain on nearly a year ago, was Speed. He wore the blue shirt and black trousers that he died in, his hair was still dark and unruly, and his brown eyes were warm and held a little sadness. He was as she remembered him, alive.

In the stillness of the room, Alexx heard him as he spoke, his voice bringing tears to her eyes, "Alexx."

"Timmy," Alexx replied. Just to see him brought a small smile to her face.

"I'm sorry for this. For your pain."His voice was thick with sadness.

" Oh Timmy," Alexx said quietly. She wanted to embrace him, to comfort him, but she kept her distance. For a long time she had been angry at him , but now seeing him, that anger was forgotten. She wanted answers. " Why didn't you clean your gun?"

Speed got off of the table and approached her. Alexx felt the coolness as he came closer.

" That gun was nothing but an accessory to me. Something I put on everyday and disregarded when I got home. It wasn't important to me. What was important was following the evidence, examining the trace, catching the bad guy. Cleaning my gun was furthest from my mind. Even after Dispo day, I still ignored it." Speed said .

Alexx was taken aback by Speed's blunt demeanor, but she was not surprised. It was his style. But, he was presumptuous in thinking that it meant nothing.

" Furthest from your mind? Did you ever stop to think of your safety , the lives that you affected? The pain that your death caused? Were you that selfish to think that no one cared, or that no one would mourn you?" The anger returned to her. " Did you want to die?"

Speed winced at Alexx's fury and replied quietly, " I was never one who thought twice about that, Alex. I thought that no one cared really."

" You couldn't have been more wrong. I cared! I loved you as much as my own son. When I lost you, I lost a little of myself," Alexx screamed. The tears were streaming down her face. Speed lifted his hand to wipe the tears away and Alexx felt the coolness of his touch, but she was not chilled. He lifted her chin and looked her in the eyes, brown to brown, pain to pain. He then took her in an embrace as she began to weep. She held him tightly, she didn't want to let him go.

"I miss you , Speed," Alexx, said softly.

" I miss you."

"Alexx?"a voice called out.

Alexx sat up groggily, unable to focus. Had she nodded off? She shook the cobwebs from her mind, noticing the envelopes with names written on them. She then saw the figure in the doorway. Red hair. Disoriented, Alexx got up and inadvertently , knocked the envelopes to the floor. She moved to pick them up, but Horatio put a hand out to stop her and he picked them up himself. Returning them to the desk, he looked at Alex. She looked tired and distraught. He glanced at the envelopes on the desk and saw his name as well as Calleigh's and Eric's.

" I was coming down here to get a report from Glen. I saw your light on," Horatio said slightly turning his head, observing her. " What happened to you today?"

" I needed time to myself . To think."Alexx replied , almost losing herself in the sadness of his eyes. She knew that he still held on to the guilt of seeing Speed struggle to take his last breath, and being powerless to do anything.

" He was important to all of us, Alexx." Horatio whispered. His eyes began to well and he blinked the tears back , not wanting to expose his feelings.

" I know , Horatio, but you didn't have to cut him open..."

"He bled to death in my arms," Horatio replied , vindicating his guilt.

Alexx pleaded with her eyes to Horatio, she did not want this to turn into a competition as to who was hurting the most. Horatio glanced at the floor, trying to gather his thoughts. Alexx took the moment to hand him the envelope with his name on it.

" What's this?", he asked taking it.

"It's goodbye. Read it now or later, but don't try to talk me out of it. I've made my decision."

Horatio smiled lightly then gazed at the envelope, he knew that this moment was coming. For weeks he saw as Alexx had changed, how she no longer held the zeal for her work. " Are you going to stay in Miami?"

" No, I'm going back to New York. A fresh place. No memories. Speed can't haunt me there."

" You can't run from him, or your sadness, Alexx."

" I can't stay here. It will be better for me if I leave. I love Miami, I love my job. I love my second family , but I have to do this. I have to go."

Defeated, Horatio again dropped his eyes to the floor, " Will you come back?"

" Eventually, when it doesn't hurt anymore," Alex said lightly. " Thank you."

" For what?"

"For letting me know that I wasn't alone in grieving for Tim."

Horatio nodded and allowed a smile to creep along the corners of his mouth. He then opened his arms , inviting her into an embrace. Alexx felt the pain that radiated from him and soon felt as he began to weep. Finally he was letting it out. Alex held on to him as he wept, his body shaking at the release. He then quietly composed himself before speaking again.

" How am I going to replace you?"

" Don't. Just hire someone to do the job," Alexx said pulling back. She touched the remaining envelopes, " Can you give these to them? Tell them that I had to go. Tell them that I am sorry."

" You know , Calleigh , isn't going to take this well. She will look for you," Horatio said taking the envelopes and sliding them into his jacket pocket. He was resigned to the fact that she wasn't going to change her mind.

" Hold her off Horatio. It was hard enough to face you. I know she will be devastated, but you can take care of her , right?", Alexx said picking up her bag and walking to the door. She paused to look at Horatio one last time.

"Alexx?"

" Take care."

Alexx smiled as she turned to walk out of the office. She walked through the autopsy theater with a feeling of freedom. Her pain didn't own her anymore. Grief could not haunt her any longer, she was liberated.