Conversations

Chapter 4

A/N: I love to use music to get in the moment. So today's selection alternates between Peter Gabriel and Sara Mclaughlin... Just in case you see something familiar.

Alexx paced around the front desk , unable to keep her mind steady. She had relented and called Horatio; she needed someone to talk to. After hanging up the phone , she remembered the mysterious message that was left for her, and here she was waiting in the lobby for the receptionist to return with it. In minutes a petite woman with shocking red hair handed the envelope to her and smiled sweetly. Alexx looked the envelope over and asked, " Did you see who left this?"

" I'm sorry Mrs. Woods, but I wasn't on duty. Maybe the manager could tell you. I can call him if you like."

" No, that's ok," Alexx returned as she saw Horatio walk through the front door. She had never in her life been more happier to see some one. She walked over to him and felt a small hint of relief as he met her. His eyes twinkled in the light of the lobby and a wide smile had set up residence on his face. He was glad to see her.

" Horatio, I'm so glad you are here."

" I was surprised when you called me , Alexx. I hadn't heard from you in three years. Are you ok?"

" No, Horatio. I'm not. I feel like I am losing my mind. Everyday, I can't let go... I can't..." Alexx said as her throat tightened with sobs. She was unraveling at the seams. She lost her balance and tipped backwards. Horatio caught her and led her to a seat.

" Alexx, you are killing yourself. He's been gone for almost four years. Why can't you let him go?" Horatio said as he put a gentle hand on her arm.

Alexx held her head in her hands and continued to cry, " I don't know Horatio. I want to let him go , but something keeps forcing me to hold on to him."

" Have you talked to anyone about this?"

" I talked to a therapist a couple of years back, but she said that it was a normal grieving period for someone as close as he was to me. She told me that I would come out of it. But I haven't . Every day, I feel him in my soul, I see him when I dream and I die with him over and over again. I just want peace. I want to belong somewhere again."

" You've always had a place to belong, Alexx. But you shut us out."

Alexx glanced up at him and smiled weakly, " I am sorry about that, Horatio. It made sense to me to get up and run ,but you were right. I could never run away from him."

" Stop running. Alexx, you have to realize that life carries on. It was devastating to lose Tim, but he wouldn't want any of us to suffer the way you have been. He would want you to live a productive life. What is it that you feel like you have to prove to him, or to us?"

" I should've been there for him. I should've been the one to make him clean his gun more often," Alexx blurted out. It had surfaced finally; she felt guilty. " I let him down."

Horatio moved to take her in an embrace as she retreated into her tears once more. Her body gave way at the confession.

" Alexx, there was nothing any of us could do about that. Tim was a great CSI because he paid attention to detail, so much that he didn't give the little things, such as cleaning his gun, a second glance. It was his nature and you know as well as I do that once Tim got something in his mind, there was no changing it. But Alexx, you don't have to suffer with this guilt. It was no one's fault..."

" Why does it feel like it?" she asked as she pulled away.

" I don't know, Alexx , but I know this, you have grieved long enough for Tim. You've let it consume you."

"It's so hard to move on, Horatio. I still love and care for him even though he's not here."

" You've got to try, Alexx. Your life depends on it." Horatio said offering his hand. " Come on. I think it would be good for you to be around people you love and who love you."

Alexx smiled slightly and nodded, " You are right, Horatio. If I want to get better, I need to help myself." She got up and the envelope dropped from her lap.

" What is this?" Horatio said bending down to pick it up.

" A message that was left for me. It's odd because no one knew I was coming."

" Have you opened it?" Horatio asked as he looked the envelope over. It was blank with the exception of her name written neatly across the front.

" No, but there's no reason that I couldn't do it now, " Alexx said as she took the envelope from Horatio. She opened it and read thewords that were printed in neatly.

" What does it say?"

" It says that if I wanted to find peace go to this address at 2:00 pm tomorrow." Alexx said as she showed Horatio the letter.

" Alexx, this address is the cemetery. Why two o'clock tomorrow?"

" I don't know, Horatio, but if it can help put my chaotic mind to rest, then I see no harm in going."

Horatio looked at her incredously, " You are not serious are you?"

" You can come along if you like Horatio to make sure that I will be ok. Now where are you taking me?" Alexx said feeling a little better.

" To see some friends that have been missing you." Horatio said as he led her to the door.

" They are still at the lab?"

" They live at the lab," Horatio said as a smile lit up his face. He was determined to see his friend whole again.

TBC...