Lost Without You.
Part 1 - Ocean Avenue.
It had only been a week since Jack moved out, and he already found it unbearably hard without Kim or Terri. As he laid alone in the bed of the crummy apartment he was renting on a nightly basis he couldn't help but think about her. They had first met when they were just short of 15 during school, and had clicked instantly. By the time they were 16 they were slowly becoming more than best friends, and by the age of eighteen they were in love. It was a hell of a lot to throw away, he thought, they had too much history.
He thought back to the days when they would just sit and talk about nothing and everything. What now seemed unimportant was the world to them back then. Exams, college, parties, who was dating who, the future. The future together. He realised that they never talked like that anymore, hell, they barely talked at all. It seemed their was nothing to talk about, other than their daughter. She was the only connection left between them, and at times he even struggled to keep up with it.
He missed sitting under the stars with her all night, just being with each other. He had never felt as comfortable with anyone like the way he had with her. He missed that comfort - that was another thing they lost along the way, he could no longer tell her about his thoughts or feelings - although he knew that was an occupational hazard more than anything else. Still, he knew that his life was incomplete without her, despite everything that was lost between them.
He now realised how they had slowly drifted apart over time, they both wanted different things out of the same life. She wanted to have the perfect family life, which is why she had recently started plastering framed photographs of the three of them all over the house.
He assumed it was some trick of hers to remind them of the times when they had been happy - when they had still been a family. He couldn't think of any other possible reason for them - they held no special memories for him.
He had wanted to be the patriot - serving his country dutifully. It had began with the Army and eventually led him to C.T.U. However he had slowly realised that he was struggling to believe in his country, which he had once supported so strongly some years ago. After a failed mission in Kosovo led him to the assumption that the government had tried to kill him, he began to loose faith. After turning in three agents for taking bribes, he was seriously wondering if his country was even worth fighting for anymore.
For his efforts to make things right he was despised around the office for betraying his co-workers. He couldn't understand their anger - surely there were the ones doing the betraying - they were stealing from the very country he was their to protect, they had compromised, not him. He could not understand their problem - but his eyes were becoming more opened to the way the country was really ran, and he didn't like it, he didn't know if he could support it anymore. He had began to question if he was still the patriot had been. His doubts had not helped his marriage, they had simply added onto the strain.
At first he had thought that things would be easier without her - he could finally throw himself into his work without her constant distracting phone calls demanding that he be home soon. He thought he would be able to work better without the guilt of knowing he had let his family down again - but he was wrong, he couldn't. He was more distracted than ever. His thoughts were always on them, and it was getting harder and harder to concentrate on anything at all that didn't concern them. He knew he had to start getting his head together their, people were already talking. He had noticed how many pairs of eyes followed him round the office glaring at him, how the rooms suddenly went silent when he entered. It was getting too much. He was no longer fully involved in his work, he was beginning to feel that the government didn't deserve his work - they certainly didn't appreciate it, He was tired of trying so hard, yet getting nothing in return time and time again.
His knew that his work was dissolving slowly before his eyes, just like his family had - and he was seriously debating if it was worth the effort of trying to save it. If he wasn't so stubborn he would quit, or at least transfer out of the office away from his problems. But he was too stubborn for that. He wouldn't get out that easily - he was going to put up a fight at least, and wait until they fired him for whatever reason they could muster. He had wanted to walk out on Terri a few times but never actually did - he had to stay to prove a point. It was only when her screaming at him got too much, so he finally left. That was another thing about himself he couldn't get his head around, why he never gave in.
Although he now thought that if Terri would have him back he would leave C.T.U. He knew that she did have a right to be angry at him for the way it made him be. His temper was becoming extremely short since his investigation of the three agents, the reception he got for it at work wound him up so tightly. She had already dealt with his changes after Nightfall - but it seemed that enough was enough. Still, he thought that if she would have him back he would drop everything. It would be worth it, to be back in the arms of both his wife and loving daughter. He had only seen Kim twice since the separation and he missed her more than ever now.
The more he thought of her the more convinced he was that the two were meant to be together. He had realised this more and more since he had left. He would watch the news and expect Kim to bombard him with questions like she usually did - but now their was no one who needed his analysis of events. When he read the newspaper in the morning he wanted to read out the humorous extracts to make Terri chuckle before work as he always did - but again he couldn't. She wasn't their to listen to him, no one was. As he fought for sleep he thought of her face, he imagined her laid next to him under the thin sheets. It was better than nothing, he thought bitterly, but it wasn't enough. He needed his family by him, times were getting harder, and he was beginning that he had no one to lean on, without them he had nothing, he had severed all ties.
As the days continued to pass without her they were slowly mingling into one. He had decided to fully dedicate himself to C.T.U, so they couldn't fire him, they couldn't make him give in. He had began to spend some nights on the cream couch in his office, it seemed easier than going back to the miserable dark place he had began to call home. It gave him less time to think about Terri and Kim, but somehow the thoughts of them managed to creep in each morning when he looked to his side expecting to see his wife laid next to him. After over twenty years of waking up to this routine it was hard to brake away from it.
Another benefit of sleeping in the office, he had discovered, was that he didn't experience the feeling of dread as he did on the few occasions when mail was pushed under his chipped door. Whenever an envelope appeared he thought it was from Terri, containing divorce papers. He knew they would come eventually, he just didn't want to accept it.
On those few occasions he had received mail he had noticed it was usually fliers advertising something or his bill for the rent, and one morning, a letter from Kim, asking him to take her with him away from her 'depressing and lousy excuse of a mother.'
Reading the letter had given him mixed emotions - relief that his daughter still loved and missed him. But also guilt at the thought of his actions hindering the relationship between the two. He knew they hadn't been as close as she and him were, but they were still doing pretty good, compared with his own relationship with his mother. He would never want to add to the distance between them, he was grateful for how great a job Terri did with Kim, she was a good mother - she hadn't really had a choice with his unexplained absences.
Still, despite how much he missed contact with them, he had decided it better if he not ring. The last thing he wanted was another argument with Terri, and he silently feared that if he rang he would only remind her of himself, and prompt her to send him the divorce papers he was sure she had.
After another uncomfortable night in his office Nina came up early the next morning with some fresh coffee for him. He hadn't realised people knew where he was sleeping - but she obviously had. In a motherly tone she had asked if he was all right, he had clearly been distracted whilst at work, despite the hours he had started putting in on a daily basis, and she was worried about him. He had shrugged off her concern, but she had known better. Getting up she had put a reassuring hand on his arm before telling him that if he needed anything at all, he knew where she was. He had said thanks, he was grateful for her offer, and although he could never imagine emptying his problems out to her, it was nice to think that someone still cared about his well-being.
Throughout that day he couldn't help but notice that even his office was reminding him of his family now. The framed photograph of them was now shut away in his bottom draw in an attempt to shut them out of his mind, but it wasn't helping. He could visualise his last fight with Terri as though he was living it once again. She was shouting at him, calling him names, trying to frustrate him, and she did. But this time, much to Terri's surprise, he reacted, and started yelling back, telling her he was leaving and not coming back, ever again. He was so fed up with her sighs and frowns when he left for work, and the abuse she would throw at him when he returned. Enough was enough - he gave in.
Eventually the office was too strong a reminder for him - and that night he decided to take Nina up on her offer. He rang her claiming that he had left his keys at work and locked himself out, and she kindly told him that she had a guest room set up for him, if he needed it. He was very thankful, and had no idea that she knew the phone call was made from inside C.T.U, seen as she had an inside line attached to her home phone and computer so she knew whoever was calling her, despite the cautionary measures they took, as Jack had.
Jack enjoyed Nina's company and was grateful for her help. That night he had finally confided in her about his failed marriage, and she kindly told him it was only a matter of time before they got back together, they probably just needed a break. He found the words comforting, but couldn't accept them, he thought that Terri hated him. Nina had then told him that he was welcome here as long as necessary - which Jack had been extremely grateful for - it was a distraction if anything, from the troubles that followed him in his dinky apartment, and now his office - he found that here, in this small town house - he had no worries.
Despite his growing feelings for Nina after a drunken kiss one night, he knew he would never love her. And little did he know, they were both serving their own little purposes by being with one another. She was happy to start a relationship with him, that was her plan after all, to get close with him, to gain his trust - which she was positive she had. And being with him made him easier to compromise, and was fun for her too.
He in return, was simply using her as a way to get away from his home life worries, even if he didn't know so consciously. He liked having her waiting on him, eager to please - she was someone who seemed to care about him, who could listen to his problems and understand. Terri could never understand. Even if he missed his family, things were getting easier for him. He knew he still loved Terri, but he was beginning to wonder if he would find her again, and he was starting to question if he had found something better.
Nina, or the distraction she gave him, he didn't know.
Lost Without You - Part Two.
Breathing.
Jack lay still, lost in his thoughts as he looked out of the window to his right, to see the stars shining against the velvet sky. Nina had fallen asleep hours ago, but he couldn't, thoughts were swimming around his mind like a fish in its tank. They were of both her and Terri. No matter how good a distraction she had provided, things were slowly going down hill. He knew it was happening but could do nothing to prevent it. He had been surprised to find himself enjoying his time with Nina, but that was all it was - pleasure.
No love was involved, it was purely lust. And that was what was bothering him so much.
He had officially moved in with Nina one month ago, after spending a week in the guest room, and the rest in her own room, in her own bed, with her. At first things had been great between them, but now he couldn't help but wonder if Nina had been a little too eager to jump into bed with him. He knew he was stupid for thinking such a thing, but it was still another confusion to add to the long list which was their relationship.
At work people were starting to notice things, snickering behind their backs. He couldn't help but notice that whenever the two were in his office working together he would get dirty looks from his subordinates afterwards, especially Tony who had been on his case non-stop since he moved in with her - he was curious if he knew about them, and if Nina had told him, he knew the two worked closely.
They had both known their was a risk of people finding out at work, but they had said it was worth it. But was it? He was now having major doubts, partly due to his diminishing reputation at work, which he wasn't pleased about. Work was the only thing he had other than Terri - he didn't want to screw that up as well - it was all he had to fall back on, it was his safety net.
To make matters worse he hadn't expected to leave home for so long. He had thought that it would be a week maybe two at the most, and once Terri had had time to cool down he would be back home, but over a month had passed, what was Terri doing? Was she missing him like he was her, or was she having a little fun, again like he was. Despite the fact that they were separated he still felt guilt for his growing relationship with Nina.
Terri had made it clear that they were on a break, indefinitely, but he still felt as though he was cheating on her, being unfaithful to her, in a way he was. When she had probed him on the phone about what he was doing, he had simply said work - he gave no mention of Nina - and the guilt from that alone was racking his brain, not to mention the simple fact that he had left his family, part of him felt that he had let them down. During the times when he let it break through his defences, the guilt was overpowering.
He sighed as he turned over onto his side away from the distracting window, willing sleep to come, it would stop him from thinking. About Terri, about himself, about the woman laid next to him. He liked Nina a lot, very much in fact, but he couldn't hide the fact that he didn't love her from himself, and he was beginning to think that that was the way she felt about him. He had spent almost every minute with her since he moved in, but it hadn't filled the space Terri provided when he left, the void was still there, and he knew that Terri was the only person who could fill it, it was her gap, and it was bothering him.
The guilt kept on coming, Jack had discovered when Nina had started talking to him about making things serious. He had been curious about her intentions, wasn't living and sleeping together serious enough? He didn't really understand what she had meant, but it had still scared him. He was still married to Terri, and had so far managed to avoid the divorce papers. Nina was not as pleased about this as he was, and that was without her knowing that he was now speaking to his daughter every night on the phone, and Terri at least twice a week. It was all the mutual 'how's work, how's Kim doing,' but still, it was progress at least, wasn't it? They had not fallen out once on the phone, and Jack thought that was a personal record, and definitely progress.
Despite his talks with her, he found that he still wanted Nina. He wanted them both, but he knew he couldn't give either what they wanted, he was stuck in Limbo. The one thing he was pretty sure of though, was that he didn't want to make things any more serious with Nina than they were, it was heavy enough for him, and he couldn't cope with the responsibility that came with being any deeper - he believed that was what had ruined him and Terri in the first place, and he wasn't going to make the same mistake twice
As he watched Nina, he wondered if their were any worries with her, any negative thoughts milling through her mind as they were his. He knew that even if they were, he would never hear of them, just like she didn't hear of his. It was their unwritten pact between them - don't hassle me, and I wont hassle you. They were both private people who liked to keep their thoughts to themselves, which is why they had connected together instantly. She never tried to pry his brain as Terri had, and he didn't bother her either.
That, along with their physical attraction to each other, had made things seem to be too good to be true. But he was slowly beginning to realise he was wrong. It wasn't enough. He missed Terri's nagging at him to open up to talk to her, he was so used to it now that is seemed strange to get through the day without someone wanting him to show his emotions, and part of him missed that.
Jack turned to face Nina once more after even more time spent thinking about this little love triangle he had created for himself. He looked at her soft yet strong features and gently traced his hand along the curve of her cheek. He realised now, just what his problem was. He loved Terri, his wife, she was his entire life and he couldn't imagine living it without her by his side, but Nina... he couldn't imagine leaving her, he didn't want to hurt her either.
He knew that until he broke things off with her or made things up with Terri it was he who was getting hurt, but that was okay. The only problem was that he couldn't continue living this way, he had to make a decision, and one of the women in his life was going to get hurt. He knew that despite Nina's strength she would be upset by his leaving her, but she wouldn't allow herself to show him that. He silently wondered if he himself would be hurt if she pretended she was fine with him leaving. Something told him he would be, but with the thought of what he had to go back to after, his family, he knew he couldn't let it get in his way. He wondered if things would become awkward between them at work, but couldn't image it becoming that way.
'As long as it doesn't affect my work'... he though sleepily, as his mind realised it was finally time to shut down. Tonight's brain storm was over and he knew what he had to do, he just dreaded doing it. Still, he knew the benefits of being back with his family easily outweighed his future with her. He closed his eyes again, realising that the sleep his mind had just promised him was still far away, he had more time left to torture himself over how to brake up with her and if it was the right decision. He laid still in the bed, his mind working overtime as he tried to let it go and sleep, knowing that it was her heavy breathing which was keeping him awake.
Lost Without You: Part Three.
Fading Memories.
Jack sat on the bottom step of the stairs in his house, lost in thought. 8 months had passed, but he didn't know where the time had gone, as each day slowly mingled into the next, he had no recognition of time. Each day had been mind numbingly slow and at times it felt as though time had frozen. But it hadn't. Only he had frozen as he put his life on hold. Too stricken by grief to move on. Too stricken by guilt to try to move on.
He thought about what Terri would look like now, she'd be huge and almost ready to go. They would be so close to completing there family, finally. But all he had was a shattered dream of the family he almost saved, but instead failed. Now he had nothing. He was now alone without anything to show for the life he once lived, except for his beautiful daughter. Another person he had failed. She now called round to check he hadn't blew his head off yet every other weekend. Dedication, he thought bitterly.
He thought back to that day and closed his eyes as he remembered how his legs had turned to jelly as Terri told him that she was pregnant. He was so happy, ecstatic even. And relieved. Unbelievably relieved. He had felt the strain on him loosen some as he realised God had granted him a second chance. Given the circumstances he was under when had she told him, it had been too much. He couldn't fully comprehend the meaning of what she was saying. But now he could, and it was still tearing him apart, 8 months after their deaths. It had been his second chance at life with her, and he had thrown it away.
He felt a single tear drip down his face as his mind flashed to the tech room where he found her, before his brain quickly shut the image out of his mind. It had taken him a while to train his mind to successfully shut the image out. For the first few days that was all he had permitted himself to see. At times he could still see her pale head lagging to the side. He could still feel the strain of her dead weight in her arms, and the coldness of her skin on his.
As he now looked back he didn't really understand why he had lived with the memory for so long. Was it to feel her again, or simply to punish himself? He thought it was probably the first, as he knew the memory wasn't enough to punish him. As much as he hated seeing her that way - it wasn't enough, he deserved much worse, he deserved death.
He had also noticed over time that no matter how many of his senses he would re-live in that moment, not once could he smell the blood forming a pool on her shirt . He could see it, he could feel it - but never smell it. He knew that was what he had first smelt as he opened the door, which is why he had taken a second look, but his mind would deny himself that moment again. Everything but that.
It was a complex thing and he didn't understand why it worked what way. Letting him remember everything in such detail except perhaps the most sickening factor of the nightmare. He told himself that it didn't matter. He hadn't struggled to empty the image from his mind for so long and he didn't want it to slip back inside his head again. He wouldn't be able to cope if it did, so he prayed it didn't. He knew what he would do if the memory found him again, and death didn't seem like such a bad idea right now. He had nothing to live for.
He felt guilt even more as he realised that he did have something worth living for - Kimberly. He again felt worse as he knew he was putting his own pain before his love for her. He rubbed his hands through his hair as he tried to shut the new memory intruding into his mind away. The way she had yelled at him after loosing her patience, telling him to get over it, to get over himself. He wanted to, he really did, and he tried to explain this to her, but she didn't understand. How could she? Still, after she had stormed out of the house and driven away he had vowed to himself that he was going to move past it. He hadn't.
He tried, but he couldn't, not yet. He was too broken to accept anything and needed something to fix him before he could fully accept it. Another child would have fixed everything, he thought sadly. He was beginning to fear that he would stay this way forever. He knew he deserved it, but he was beginning to tire of the flashbacks and the dreams of his regrets and missed opportunities. Desperation to be himself again was fighting with his guilt, and it was a tough battle. He prayed something would happen that would make him pick up the broken pieces and glue them back together again, but it never happened. It wouldn't happen.
He realised that he was doing it again, feeling sorry for himself. He knew he should spend the rest of his life alone in his depressing house filled with bad memories and haunting flashbacks. That was less than he deserved. He had killed his wife. He had betrayed her and then killed her. And his child - his innocent little child would never get a chance to see this world because of his sins. He sometimes wondered where they were now, the two of them. He hoped they were together and in a peaceful place - not the place he would be going. That was one of the reasons he didn't pull the trigged of the barrel placed against his head - for he knew it wouldn't resolve anything. He wasn't going to see his wife and child through death. They were in heaven and he was going to hell. Things would only be worse there, and he couldn't bear the thought of that. He was a coward, he knew. He was too scared to end his pitiful wasted life in case it was worse than his now meaningless existence. And he had brought it all on himself.
He wiped at his eyes a final time as he accepted his sins. He had allowed Nina to protect his wife, therefore he had allowed her to kill his wife. The fact that Nina had been the one to pull the trigger simply added insult to the wound, but he tried not to think about that too often. His fall. He had a tender wife and a perfect family. He had broken that to go for Nina, a so called friend, an allie. Then when he finally had his life back, she had ended it.
Out of spite? Out of love? No, he thought. She never loved me and I sure as hell never loved her. That is what he told himself and tried to convince himself. Did it really matter anyway? No, he decided. He made his mistake and his family paid the consequence, that was all there was too it.
He got up and wandered down the hallway to find the gun he kept in the telephone tables drawer. He wondered if he would find the strength or the courage to pull the trigger tonight. Probably not, he thought. Instead it would be another night filled with thoughts about what his wife and the second child he would soon father would be doing now. Thoughts about the life he would have, if he hadn't fallen so far from grace
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