Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter and I don't particularly want to any more.

A/N: In a defiant 'fuck you' to canon, this fic will continue as planned. Some bits of info might creep in from HBP, but I'll try to make sure that they're not plot related.

A/N2: I hate Hermione, and this chapter makes it blatantly obvious. If you object to Hermione being written as a nagging harridan, so what? There are other fics available.

As they walked back to Hogwarts, neither spoke. Harry was consumed with a faint dread of what might still be lurking in the Chamber of Secrets, and Severus was already thinking of what potions he would make with the basilisk blood, fangs and scales he would shortly acquire. When they entered the Great Hall, Severus turned to Harry.

"Where, exactly, is the entrance to the Chamber?"

"Well, it's..." Harry looked embarrassed for a moment. "It's in the girl's lav, unfortunately. The one on the second floor, you know, the haunted one."

Severus raised an eyebrow at him. "And what's so bad about it being there?"

"Moaning Myrtle has a crush on me." Harry said disgustedly.

Both eyebrows went up. "I'd try to say something, but there's really nothing that can be said, is there?"

"Hmmph."

As it happened, Myrtle wasn't in her bathroom, which made it infinitely easier to descend to the Chamber. Admittedly, Severus balked when asked to do something so undignified as slide down a tunnel, but otherwise it went well. A few well placed blasting hexes cleared the stones from the cave in, and then they were in the Chamber itself.

The room was dominated by the corpse of Salazar Slytherin's late and unlamented basilisk. It was lying in a pool of blood far smaller than Harry would have expected, and it was rather larger than he remembered. Now that Harry was able to take a decent look at his surroundings, he realized it was not the moldering crypt he had perceived. Rather, it was a study, although it was indeed moldering.

There were bookshelves lining the walls, draped in heavy veils of cobwebs, and tables coated in the dust of centuries. The far corner seemed marginally cleaner, and Harry wandered over to inspect it as Severus went into raptures over the basilisk.

Whatever Harry had been expecting, it was not a stack of dog-eared Agatha Christie books, some fossilized candy and a dartboard with pictures of a much younger Dumbledore tacked to it. This, he realized, must have been from when Voldemort had used the Chamber. He really had not thought of what a dark lord might read, but the Miss Marple novels would have been near the bottom of the list.

He looked up at Severus, who was industriously pulling basilisk scales with a mammoth pair of pliers. He obviously needed no help, so Harry cleared the dust off of one of the chairs and sat down. He grabbed a book at random, which turned out to be "The Tuesday Club Murders", and settled down for a bit of a wait.

Three hours and five murders later, Severus was finally finished. He had shrunk his ingredients carefully, obsessively even, then looked at Harry's broom like it would bolt if he looked at it wrong. Harry put down his book and came over, brushing dust off of himself.

"Honestly, Severus, brooms don't bite."

Severus glared at him. "I was merely wondering how you go about getting two people on the broom at once. Do they both straddle the broom at once, or does one help the other on after he gets on first?"

"We both straddle it. Also, you're going to need to hold onto me fairly tightly." He picked up the broom and they both managed to get astride without falling off or hindering each other, a fairly impressive accomplishment.

They ascended the tunnel with very little trouble and soon stood in Myrtle's bathroom. Unfortunately, Myrtle had returned.
"Oooh, the two of you are filthy! Even the merpeople are less slimy than you!"

"If you like the merpeople so much, go and stay with them. It's not like there's any use for you here." snapped Severus. Myrtle burst into tears and fled down the U-bend. Severus looked at Harry. "She's right. We are filthy. Come back to my rooms so that you can shower before going back to Gryffindor tower."

Without waiting for Harry's answer, he strode off, leaving Harry trying to catch up.

When Severus emerged from the bathroom, he was not expecting Harry to still be in his rooms. However, not only was Harry still there, he was stretched out on Severus' bed, nude. It took every jot of Severus' willpower not to leap on him.

Harry smiled at him. "Well, aren't you going to come here and make love to me? It's all I could think about, looking at you in that t-shirt."

Severus gave him a predatory grin, and-

smut scene cut

When Harry staggered into the Gryffindor common room an hour after curfew, with a demented grin on his face and a love bite prominently displayed on his neck, Ron and Hermione were livid. Well, Hermione was livid. Ron was just curious.

"Where have you been! No note, no nothing, you could have been dead in a ditch! Voldemort could have gotten you, for all you told me, but it's obvious that you've been off with some girl! Harry James Potter, WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY FOR YOURSELF!" Hermione shrieked.

"Jeez, Harry, couldn't you have your best friend that you've finally gotten a girl? Would it kill you to keep me in the loop? So, what's she like?" Ron made an extremely descriptive hand gesture. "Curvy?"

Hermione took a swipe at him, which he dodged adroitly, then turned back to Harry. "I am waiting."

"Um, well, I kind of lost track of time?" Harry said uncertainly, causing Hermione to flounce over to sofa and pointedly ignore him.

"Yeah, whatever, but what about the girl?"

"Ron, I hate to break it to you, but it's not a girl."

"Nonsense. It's perfectly obvious that you've just gotten shagged." Ron could be very dense sometimes, reflected Harry ruefully.

"I have just gotten shagged. It just wasn't a girl, Ron." Harry said patiently.

"Oho, an older woman! Who was it? Hooch?"

"Ron, don't be thick. It was a bloke. Have you ever seen me date any female other than Cho Chang?"

"Didn't you see Susan Bones for a while?" Ron tuned out the bit about the bloke.

"Ron, we were working together on a Charms project. Susan in seeing what's-his-name, that Hufflepuff. Smith, I think his name is. Please get it into your head that I'm gay, Ron."

Ron gave him a startled look. "I never saw that coming! So, who was it? Percy's had a crush on you even worse than Ginny's ever was. He'll be crushed to hear that you're seeing someone. Crushed, get it?" Ron snickered.

Harry gave Ron a nervous look. "If I tell you who it was and you don't like him , will you promise not to react badly?"

"Just so long as it's not Malfoy. Draco Malfoy." qualified Ron.

"Oh no, it's certainly not Malfoy. It's Snape, actually."

"WHAT? HARRY JAMES POTTER, HOW DARE YOU SLEEP WITH A TEACHER! THAT MUST VIOLATE FIFTY SCHOOL RULES! YOU COULD BE EXPELLED! HE COULD BE FIRED!"

"Wouldn't be much of a loss if he were." muttered Ron.

"RONALD BILIUS WEASLEY! HOW DARE YOU SPEAK ILL OF A TEACHER! I SHOU-"

Ron hit Hermione with a Silencing Spell, then turned to Harry. "Harry, you're like a brother to me. I can't say much for your taste in men, but if he ever hurts you, he'll have the whole Weasley family after him. As it is, he's going to receive a little visit from me, Fred and George soon enough. Now for Gods' sakes leave before Hermione bursts the spell. It could get nasty."

Harry looked at Ron in awe. "You took that a lot better than I expected you to."

Ron gave him a vaguely threatening look. "Just so long as you keep your hands off MY Draco, we'll be just fine."

Harry stared at him. "I didn't know you were seeing Malfoy."

"I'm not, but he just needs a little.. persuading."

Shaking his head in wonderment at his friends, Harry walked unsteadily up to the dormitory, musing on the oddness of life.