Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter and I don't particularly want to anymore.
Note Concerning AU status: The release of HBP has rendered this even more AU than before. For the purpose of this story, none of the romantic relationships mentioned in HBP happened, a certain person was not revealed as evil and is not evil, a certain person did not take the previously mentioned person's position, a certain student refused to take the Dark Mark, and a certain person did not die. Also, just so long as this is an AU, I'm saying that Sirius fell to one side of the Veil. Every else is as per canon.
READ THE DAMN AUTHOR'S NOTES!
A/N: I was rather disappointed by the low number of reviews I received, especially compared to Chapter 4. What did I do that was so popular in that chapter? Was it Malfoy? Was it the goons? Was it Black and Lupin? Would someone please tell me so that I can do it again?
A/N2: What should I do concerning the Voldemort problem? Should I treat it seriously, or should I make a total joke out of it? Also, what should I do with Sirius Black? Should he stay at Hogwarts or leave or what?
A/N3: The 'Death by Chocolate' sundae mentioned near the end of the chapter is my own creation. If you want the recipe, leave a review.
Severus was just checking that he had enough ready cash to purchase the cauldrons when a hand landed heavily on his shoulder. He whirled, and saw the Weasley twins, who were lacking their customary half-mad grins.
"We thought-" said one twin.
"That we'd have-" interrupted the other.
"A little chat." continued the first, whom he was now fairly certain was Fred.
"The general substance of it is-"
"If you ever hurt Harry-"
"You will suffer." said George, brandishing a wand theatrically.
"He's an honorary Weasley-"
"And we don't take insults to the family lightly."
Severus tried to protest but was abruptly cut off.
"So here's a little taste-"
"Of what we'd do to you-"
"If you ever upset him."
They were gone thirty seconds later, leaving Severus covered in multicolored spots, with green steam coming out of his ears and with his nose transfigured into the front half of a dead haddock, which he was very grateful that he couldn't smell.
Ten minutes later, after some rather tricky unhexing work, Severus finally entered The Three Broomsticks, idly rubbing at a remaining, turqoise spot on his wrist. Harry and Neville were already waiting by the outbound fireplace, and he joined them quickly, apologizing tersely for his tardiness.
"Sorry. I was ambushed by the Weasley twins."
Harry gave him a look of dawning comprehension, then nodded. "I'll have a word with them for you."
"Thanks." Severus grabbed the Floo powder. "Shall we go? Our time is limited."
They departed, and after exiting the Leaky Cauldron, they conferred briefly.
"Harry, I'll meet you and Longbottom in two hours at Fortescue's. Don't be late." Severus glanced around furtively, then gave Harry a quick peck. Harry nodded, ignoring Neville's blush, and Severus strode off. Harry hailed the Knight Bus, and they headed for St, Mungo's.
While Neville visited his parents on the fifth floor, Harry wandered, looking at the intriguing varieties of patients, including a man who'd tranfigured his feet into shoelaces and a man who had a biting teacup attached to his nose. Eventually he got bored, and went to the waiting room of the Curse Damage Ward to wait for Neville.
Theirty seconds later, the door of the broomcloset fell open, spilling a couple in a passionate embrace onto the floor. One of them, a man in healer's robes, stood and helped the other up. Harry recognized them as Augustus Pye, the mediwizard who'd treated Mr. Weasley for snakebite, and, surprisingly, known ladies' man Gilderoy Lockhart. As they seemed on the point of resuming their activities, Harry loudly cleared his throat.
Pye spun round and turned an unflattering crimson. "Oh, umm, Mr. Potter, I didn't see you there."
"That much," remarked Harry, "is obvious."
"Hello, do I know you from somewhere?" chirped Gilderoy.
"You taught him for a year, Gil, remember?" Pye said patiently.
Harry arched an eyebrow, deliberately imitating Severus. "Is it really ethical to be involved with a patient? Especially one as out of it as him?"
"Um, well, you see... Hold on, I've got to take Gil back to his room." Pye turned, still blushing, and collided with Neville, who was entering the waiting room.
"Oh, hello Professor Lockhart. How are you today?"
"Am I a professor? It doesn't sound very impressive." murmured Lockhart vaguely, as Pye pulled him away.
As the two departed, Neville turned to Harry. "Were those two shagging again? Every time I come here, they're at it again. I tell them, come out of that closet, we all know what you're doing anyway, but do they listen? Nooo."
Harry goggled at him; the concept of Neville and double entendres was mindblowing. Weakly, he said, "And you don't think that what they're doing is unethical?"
"If Healer Pye likes being tied up by a mental patient, then it's none of my business, unless they're doing it in my line of sight."
Harry shook his head. "Let's go, Neville. I need to have a talk with Fred and George."
They walked on in companionable, and in Harry's case, unnerved, silence.
Once they were at Weasley's Wizard Wheezes, Neville drifted over to the trick candies, while Harry sought out the twins. The girl working behind the counter led him into the back room, where the two were bent over a cauldron.
"I am not pleased by what you did to Severus." Harry growled the moment the girl had left. "I am perfectly capable of protecting myself, and I greatly resent the implication that I you think I can't. Furthermore, I am upset that you think so badly of Severus. You two are maybe the only Gryffindors he ever thought worth teaching, and he actually likes you, surprisingly enough. So what the HELL did he ever do to earn your distrust?"
"He made a pass at our adopted little brother, that's what." declared Fred defensively.
"Wrong. I made the first move, you identical idiots."
They looked abashed, and began apologizing profusely.
"Never mind that. How are the third quarter earnings?" Harry's rage had dissipated rapidly, and they got down to business.
They arrived at Fortescue's at the appointed time. Severus was waiting at a table near the counter, a half-eaten dish of coffee ice cream before him. Harry grabbed the seat next to him and kissed him fleetingly. Neville, who was facing the counter, was the only one to see how the man behind the counter flinched when Harry kissed Severus. The redhead was familiar, somehow. Oh yes, it was Percy Weasley. Neville had heard how he'd been sacked by the minister. He eyed Percy appreciatively. The look of disappointment brought on by the realization that Harry was unavailable was serving only to enhance his appeal.
Harry noticed the direction of Neville's gaze, and casually walked up to the counter.
"Hi, Percy. I think I'd like..." he perused the menu. "two scoops of butterbeer swirl in a dish." Harry turned and looked at Neville. "Do you want anything, Neville?"
"Uh... I'll have a Death by Chocolate sundae."
As Percy turned around to get the ice cream and make Neville's sundae, Neville's eye never left his rear. When he bent over to actually scoop the ice cream, his eyes nearly popped out of his head. Harry snickered behind his hand. Oh yes, Neville had it bad for Percy.
As they ate their ice creams, Harry considered how to get the two together. He'd need an excuse to get Neville to London again, that was certain. Now how would he get Neville to actually make a move? His mind full of various schemes, Harry smiled happily and began to seriously plot.