Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter and I don't particularly want to anymore.
Note Concerning AU status: The release of HBP has rendered this even more AU than before. For the purpose of this story, none of the romantic relationships mentioned in HBP happened, a certain person was not revealed as evil and is not evil, a certain person did not take the previously mentioned person's position, a certain student refused to take the Dark Mark, and a certain person did not die. Also, just so long as this is an AU, I'm saying that Sirius fell to one side of the Veil. Every else is as per canon.
READ THE DAMN AUTHOR'S NOTES!
A/N: The recipe for Death by Chocolate sundae is as follows:
Take one scoop of dark chocolate ice cream, one scoop of milk chocolate ice cream and one scoop of chocolate ice cream with chocolate hearts and arrange triangularly on a plate. Ladle hot fudge sauce over all three scoops. Spray whipped cream on each scoop individually. Sprinkle with chocolate shavings. Top with a chocolate covered cherry on each scoop. I recommend splitting this, as it's rather large. I use Godiva ice cream, but you can use what you want, if you can find another brand with both dark and milk chocolate ice creams.
A/N2: I was looking at my stats earlier today, and I noticed something that surprised me. I am apparently on 29 people's alert lists, so why aren't I getting 29 reviews per chapter? If you gave me sufficient reviews, I would probably update hourly. (hint hint)
A/N3: I am thinking of introducing yet another ship to this fic. How do people feel about Sirius being slashed with someone other than Remus? I already have plans for him, so he's straight out, so to speak. There are also a couple of femmeslash pairings I might look into.
A/N4: I'm going on vacation. I'll be back a week from Wednesday, and there will be no updates during that time. I will, however, be writing.
The moment they were safely in Severus' chambers, Harry turned to him and gave him a very evil grin, then threw himself at him. Severus, who was not expecting to be jumped, staggered, dropped the shopping and fell against the doorpost.
"Shit! Harry, could you give a man some warning?" he exclaimed, rubbing his back and collapsing on the sofa.
"Sorry, Sev. Want me to rub it better?" Harry grinned salaciously, curling up next to him.
"Harry, what have I told you about calling me 'Sev'?"
"Not to... Sev."
Severus moaned in a mixture of irritation and amusement. "Harry... please don't. That's what Lucius Malfoy used to call me to get my goat."
Harry snickered. "Speaking of Malfoys, what should we do about Draco?"
Severus gave him a clueless look. "Do we need to something about him? Is something wrong with him?"
"Well, he keeps turning down Ron, and Ron is getting very depressed about it. He's even lost interest in food. All he does during meals is stare at Malfoy. And Ron usually has thirds and two helpings of dessert, so that's really worrying me."
Severus stared at him. "Let me get this straight. You're worried, because your friend, an apparently notorious overeater, has gone off his food?" He imbued his question with sarcasm that not even Harry could miss.
"He's not actually an overeater. You see him every day. Does he look overweight to you? To me, at least, he looks thin as a rail."
"Hmm. But why should the fact that he's pining over Draco have anything to do with me?"
"You are going to help me get them together. That's what it has to do with you."
"And what incentive do I have for doing this?" Severus raised his eyebrows at him. "The warm and fuzzy feeling of doing a good deed? I hate to tell you, but Slytherins don't get that."
"No, Severus." Harry smirked at him. "Your incentive is that if you don't help me, you'll be sleeping alone for a month."
"You wouldn't last that long." Severus said, but he was obviously shaken.
"Want to bet? I could just walk right out that door..." Harry moved towards the door, but stopped when Severus spoke.
"I give in, you little extortionist, but don't think you won't pay for this." Severus sighed.
"Ooh, do I get a spanking?" Harry cooed.
"Don't talk about spankings, just don't. It's giving me bad mental images, principally concerning the Dark Lord and Ms. Chang." Severus shuddered.
"What, like 'You've been a naughty evil overlord, Tom. Bend over the bed so I can punish you', that kind of thing?" Harry smirked.
"Urgh. Don't make me think things like that. You may just have completely destroyed my libido."
"Oops." Harry grinned. "Now, to business. How do we get Ron and Draco together?"
"Well, for one thing, Weasley dresses appallingly. You do realize that Draco's main god is fashion, followed closely by hair care and coffee, right? My advice is dress Weasley in nicer clothing, give him a few pounds of good coffee in a gift box and shove him towards Draco. And for god's sake, tell him not to touch the hair. The last person to ruffle Draco's hair is still in St. Mungo's."
"Oh, really? Who was it?" asked Harry skeptically.
"Gilderoy Lockhart."
"But he's there for a backfired Obliviate!"
"I never said he there because of something Draco did." smirked Severus.
"You certainly implied it!" protested Harry. "You obnoxious bastard."
"But you love me anyway." Severus pulled Harry in for a kiss.
Harry wrapped his arms around Severus' neck, molding himself to his lover's body. With a bit of awkward maneuvering, he straddled Severus' lap. Severus slid a hand under his shirt, and gave his left nipple a tug. Harry moaned and arched his back, squirming in a way that made Severus moan as well. Severus began trailing little nipping kisses down the side of Harry's neck, giving the juncture of Harry's neck and shoulder a surprisingly hard bite. Harry whimpered, and began to fumble with Severus' belt buckle. Infuriatingly, before he could do anything, the bell rang, signaling the resumption of class.
When Professor Snape, he of the inadvertent exhibitionism, and his companion in said exploits stumbled into class ten minutes late, liberally speckled with hickeys and with shirttails flapping in the breeze, everybody knew what they'd been doing. Well, almost everybody. Hermione had developed a mental block, and Ron was busy staring at the object of his unrequited affections.
As Harry plopped himself down next to Ron, Hermione leaned forward and demanded querulously, "WHERE on EARTH have you BEEN? You've missed the first ten minutes! A lot of important things can be covered in ten minutes, Harry!"
"Not when the teacher's not here, 'Mione." Harry felt compelled to point out.
She ignored him. "You're lucky I was here to take your notes for you. By the way, I have your notes from Transfiguration and Charms here, Harry. I honestly don't know WHAT the teachers were THINKING, to let you and Neville skip class."
Harry tuned her out. "Ron." Ron kept gazing longingly at the Slytherin side of the classroom. Harry poked him. "RON!"
Ron looked at him in surprise. "Harry? When did you get here?"
Harry sighed. "Never mind that, Ron. I need to talk to you after class."
"But Draco's got Arithmancy next! I need to walk him there."
Harry stared. Stalking was a new and disturbing development. "Ron," he said patiently, "Hermione has Arithmancy. She can walk him there for you. But I need to talk to you. I have a plan to help you get the pointy-faced ferret of your dreams."
"Ooh. What is it?"
"I'll tell you after class."
"But I wanna know NOW!"
Harry gave Severus, who'd been watching in amusement, a helpless look.
Severus intervened. "Mr. Weasley, if you do not cease that horrific noise, I will be forced to put you under a Silencing Charm."
Ron flinched, but remained mercifully silent and whine-free. He did pout, though, and Snape only refrained from taking points because of the threatening look Harry was giving him. He stalked off to castigate Seamus Finnigan, who had been speculating on the professor's love life instead.
Harry smiled and leaned back. This was as normal as life got for him, and he was determined to enjoy it while it lasted.