Disclaimer: I don't own Digimon
Chapter Ten: Done Hiding: Mimi's Story
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What am I going to do? Tai isn't waking up. It's been four days! Surely he should have woken up by now. Just how long are people in comas anyway?
Clearly, I wasn't the most informed on the situation. Last night, Joe mentioned something about how comas can last a few hours, a few days, or even a few years. But there's no way Tai could be in the coma for a few years. He couldn't.
It's Tai…he has to wake up.
Yeah, he'll wake up. He would wake up any hour now and everything would be happy and perfect and simplistic again.
But it wouldn't. I knew that, Matt knew that, I think even Sora knew that. Why else would she be sitting by his bedside at all hours?
Frankly, I had no idea how long Tai would be like that. Maybe he would never wake up, I wondered. What if he died? It would be all my fault. And he could die, I mean, it's a definite possibility, I thought for a moment before snapping out of my negativity.
No, I told myself, I have to stay positive. I can't think like that; I have to believe Tai will be okay. If he died, I knew it would be because of me. Which is exactly why he couldn't die. I couldn't live with myself if he did.
Isn't that selfish? One of my best friends is literally fighting for his life and I'm thinking about myself. But I guess I've done that a lot, huh? Otherwise, Davis never would have done what he did. I saw the TV the other day; they're saying he was the one who organized it all. Which means that none of this ever would have happen if I hadn't been so horrible to poor Davis.
Incase you're wondering, I'm now wandering aimlessly around the hospital on the fourth floor.
I walk by Tai's room and don't even bother to look in. I know what I'd see if I had. I would see Tai, lying there, hooked up to a ton of machines. I would see Sora, sitting beside him like nothing was wrong; I still don't think she's fully accepted what's happened. I would probably see Mrs. Kamiya, Kari, Matt, Izzy, T.K., or even Joe sitting beside her pleading with her to go home and get some rest.
I'm not really sure if she's slept since the shootings. I know I haven't gotten much shut-eye. I have far too much on my mind. It's like I can't shut my brain off and slip in the blissful slumber I so desperately seek. When you're asleep, you can't think. Thinking has come to be my worst enemy. When I think, I think about Davis and all the others who aren't with us anymore. I think about what Davis said to me. The words just keep repeating, over and over in my head.
"…No matter how hard they try to forget, they never will. Neither will you, Mimi. The memories will haunt everyone for as long as they shall live…"
" You can run, but you can't hide."
I sighed, and picked up my pace. I felt like the faster I walked the better chance I had of leaving my troubles insecurities behind me. Guess what? I was wrong.
"Meems! Meems!" I heard Matt call my name, and I hesitated. I didn't want to stop, but I had to. I turned around. "Can I talk to you for a sec?"
I nodded. He gestured toward two chairs in the hallway. I sat down, expecting him to do the same, but he didn't. He towered over me, and I could tell he was irritated about something.
"What's wrong?" I ask in a normal voice. A voice that says I haven't been acting weird or distancing myself in the past few days. But my actions tell a different story.
"You know what's wrong. At least, I hope you do," he said stiffly. I decided he was going to tell me whether I agreed or not, so I played dumb. "What's going on with you, Mimi? I mean, in a situation like this I thought you would be the one consoling Sora and Kari. I never thought I'd have to be the one consoling you," he lectured me like a father would.
"What are you talking about?"
"It's times like these that we have to stick together and be there for each other. We have to depend on each other, some more than others. Sora needs to depend on us right now. I don't have a problem with that, but it seems like you do."
"But I don't," I say simply. I realize this is the most I've said to my boyfriend in a few days. I start to feel guilty, but all my other emotions come rushing back and I forget about feeling guilty.
"Sora's going through a really hard time. Now, I can be there for her and hug her when she needs a hug. I can be the shoulder she cries on, but you and I both know it shouldn't be me doing all these things. It should be her best friend. But I'm starting to think that maybe that isn't you, Mimi. Because a best friend would be there, no questions asked. A best friend would forget about their problems and focus on the person who needs it most. A best friend would be strong when they have to be strong enough for the both of them. But you haven't done any of that, have you?"
I gripped the arms of the chair. Matt had no right to say these things to me. Sure, they were true, but he had no idea what I was going through. He had no idea what I mess I was. Nobody knew, and hopefully they never would. This was my battle. I was going to fight it alone.
"What do you want me to say?" I cried. I stood up out of my chair and faced him. He was a little taller than me so we still weren't even, but it was a lot better than when I was sitting. "Do you want me to say I've been a terrible friend? Because I know I have, Matt!" I stopped, realizing I was screaming at him. I lowered my voice and continued. "I'm aware, but I can't help it. Don't you think I've noticed that Sora's a mess? I have, but…" I trailed off.
"But what?" he asked in a whisper.
But I have my own problems to deal with, I said to myself.
I didn't say it aloud because I would have sounded like a terrible, terrible person, and he probably would have dumped me on the spot.
Instead, I pushed past him and walked into Tai's hospital room. I glanced back at Matt, who nodded encouragingly.
Things have been pretty rocky between us lately. I know I had been thinking about taking a break, but I'm not sure I want that anymore. I was lucky to have Matt. What other guy would have the guts to confront me like that? What other guy would tell me that I was being an inconsiderate bitch, without actually saying it? Matt was like that, and I loved him for it.
He would tell me if I had a problem, and then he would go to hell and back to help me through it. But he couldn't this time.
I had to do it alone.
And I knew that if we could make it through this, we could make it through anything. All we had to do was survive this, and we could do it.
I passed Mrs. Kamiya, who was leaving Tai's room as I went in. She smiled at me, and I felt a little better. I smiled back, and walked deeper into the room. I sat down in a chair beside Sora. She briefly turned her head and looked at me, acknowledging that I was there.
I didn't talk right away. I had to gather my thoughts, though I didn't really have any. For the first time in a long time, my mind was blank. The one time I didn't want it to be.
"Sora, you're scaring me," I said, finally, in a hushed voice.
Sora turned to me once again and stared into my eyes, as if to say, "you're one to talk, you big hypocrite," but remained silent. She turned away.
"I mean it. You've hardly eaten in three days. You haven't slept either, I bet. Hell, have you even left this room?" I asked, not realizing how serious her behaviour had been until I said it aloud just now.
"I'm fine Mimi," Sora simply said. I had a feeling she hadn't been talking much these past few days either.
I felt guilty for neglecting my best friend. I was so wrapped up in myself that I didn't even notice her. I was being the same, self-involved girl I had been all through high school.
Old habits die hard, I guess.
"No, you're not," I insisted. I turned to face her, but she didn't return the stare. Her eyes remained fixed on the tiles on the floor. "Sora, I know this is a hard time for you, and I'm not going to pretend like I understand what you're feeling, because I don't. But don't you think you should at least go home for a bit? We're all really worried about you, it'll do you some good to be home for a bit. You're mom was here earlier, I bet you didn't even notice, did you?"
I felt kind of bad for adding that last bit in. Truthfully, I hadn't really noticed either. I was being a hypocritical bitch for saying all this to her. After all, I was shutting people out the same way she was.
"I…I don't know what you want me to say," she said. She reminded me of myself when I was talking to Matt a moment ago.
"I want you to say that you'll go home. Sora." I paused and took a deep breath, preparing myself for what I was about to say. "Look, I love Tai. He's one of my best friends, and I can't describe how much it's killing me to see him like this. But you have to look at it logically. Tai might not…" I trailed off, not wanting to say the words.
"He might not what?" Sora asked angrily, still not meeting my gaze.
"…Make it," I whispered.
Her expression changed, her eyes glazed over. I could tell, as crazy as it seemed, that she never contemplated that before. In the world of Sora, Tai was going to wake up any time now. It was only a matter of minutes. My heart broke for my poor, naïve friend.
"Mimi, don't do this," she warned me.
"But I have to. Someone needs to say it because it's a possibility, Sor. What are you going to do if it does happen? I'm already losing one friend, I couldn't lose you too," I said shakily.
I could feel my eyes well up with tears. I realized the last time I cried was when I was outside Odaiba High with Izzy. I hadn't cried when we brought Tai here. I hadn't cried while we waited for him to come out of surgery. I didn't cry that night when I went home.
It was like I had saved the tears for Sora, because just like Matt had said, best friends need a shoulder to cry on. Sora needed one, but I needed one too, and I needed it to be hers.
We would be strong for each other and I vowed I would be there no matter what. I wouldn't go back in my little world because there was a whole world going on outside of my own, a world in which Sora needed me every bit as much as I needed her.
"What would you do if it was Matt?" Sora asked me. I froze. What would I do? Probably the same thing Sora was doing, but I couldn't say that. I couldn't give her permission to act this way.
"I don't know," I answered. It was the truth, in a way.
"Exactly. And you don't have to find out, because Matt's fine. You lucked out, Meems. I didn't. Your boyfriend is out there, mine's right here," she explained slowly.
"That's no excuse for shutting us all out," I persisted. "I'm not saying you have to act normal, but for God's sake, don't shut yourself down! You have to eat and you have to sleep, Sora."
She turned and looked me in the eye.
"I can't. I can't sleep because every time I shut my eyes I can see it, and it happens all over again," she told me. "I see Tai, running down that hallway, and it happens. I keep imagining it in all these different scenarios. But no matter how I picture it, it always ends up the same. I keep asking myself all these questions that I don't have any answers to," she whispered. Tears were forming in her eyes, threatening to drop down her cheek at any moment.
"Like what?" I ask, not really sure if I wanted to explore this any further. But I had to. I had to be the friend Sora needed me to be. She needed to get it out and have a good cry. So did I, but this wasn't my time, it was hers.
"Do you think he alone when it happened?" She paused. Not because she wanted me to answer, but because she needed to calm her nerves before she kept going, or else she'd break down. But would it be so horrible if she did?
Would it be so horrible if I did?
"Did he think of me?" she continued, "Did anyone stop to help him, or did they just keep running for their own lives?" Her questions were so deep, so meaningful. I knew this must have been what she was thinking about all the time she had been alone. "Did his life flash before his eyes, like it does in movies?"
I shut my eyes, trying to imagine what it would be like to be in Tai's situation. Unsuccessful, I opened my eyes again. I couldn't even begin to imagine what it would feel like. I would be so scared, so alone. Would I scream for someone to help me? Would I even be able to scream at all?
"Did he know what was happening, or did it happen so fast that he was completely oblivious?" Sora asked again.
I imagined Tai in my mind when it happened. Sora was right. I tried to imagine it differently, letting him escape the bullet, but my imagination wasn't that good. Every time I saw it, he wound up getting hit.
"Do you think he tried to be a hero, and save someone else? Was that bullet meant for them, not him?" She stopped and put her head in her hands.
I was about to say something when my voice caught in my throat. I cleared it, but didn't talk. I had to let Sora finish; she needed me to, because if I interrupted her I knew she might not start up again.
"That's why I can't sleep, Meems," she explained. "Because when I finally give in and close my eyes, that's what I see. I can't take it, I just can't," she said weakly.
I had never seen her so vulnerable before. It worried me, how quickly she fell apart, just like Humpty Dumpty. Would she ever put herself back together again?
"How long is this going to go on for?" I asked.
I didn't want to, but I had to know. If Tai was one of those people who stayed in comas for years and years, would she ever leave his side? Or would she become a vegetable, stuck in that chair for the rest of her life?
"Not long," she said, shocking me. She seemed to know when Tai was going to wake up…almost as if there was some sort of schedule that everyone had forgotten to show me. "He'll be up soon, don't worry," she continued, taking her head out of her hands and sitting up straight.
I knew she was setting herself up for a big disappointment, but I didn't say anything. I didn't have the heart to tell her otherwise. If this was the light at the end of her tunnel, who was I to put it out? But when I thought about it, it really bothered me. Tai might never wake up, and she was acting like he was just taking a nap!
"How soon?" I pressed on.
"By the end of the week," she predicted.
The end of the week was in two days.
I noticed I was holding Sora's hand, which I didn't remember taking. I squeezed it tight, pitying my best friend. She's really lost it, hasn't she? I asked myself. There's no way he'll wake up in two days time.
I couldn't believe what a pessimist I had become lately. Maybe Joe was rubbing off on me.
I suddenly realized why Sora wasn't leaving Tai's side. No matter what she told herself to stay hopeful, she knew the risks as well as anyone else. She knew Tai might never come out of this coma. Sora wasn't going to leave him because she couldn't be sure he would be there when she returned. She wasn't going to run the risk, and I didn't really blame her. I gave her hand another tight squeeze, but remained silent.
"…No matter how hard they try to forget, they never will. Neither will you, Mimi. The memories will haunt everyone for as long as they shall live…"
Davis' words had been true. We would never forget, and we would never be the same.
But maybe that would be okay. Maybe, just maybe, we would make it through. Maybe I would come out of this all right. And if I did, I would grab Sora by the hair and drag her through with me. I wouldn't let her go, I wouldn't let Davis take her without a fight.
She was my responsibility; she was my reason for pulling through.
I stood up and went to leave the room. I got about as far as the door when another thought occurred to me. Could Tai have possibly gone looking for Sora? Was he trying to save her when he was shot? I knew if I wondered this, surely it had crossed her mind about a million times already. I turned around to face Sora.
"It's not your fault," I whispered. Her mouth showed the slightest indication of a smile, and she nodded.
"That's what I've been telling myself, too," she replied.
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"You can run, but you can't hide."
You were right, Davis, I thought as I left the room.
I can't hide, and I won't try anymore. I'm going to stand tall, and I'm going to fight. I won't let you have me, and you can't have Sora either. You try your best though, because I promise you I'd sooner die than let that happen, I vowed. It seemed silly to be talking to a dead person, but I didn't care.
I didn't care about a lot of things anymore.
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I know this is short, but my next chapter is really long and definitely the best one so far!
The more reviews I get, the faster I'll update…so get on it :)