Disclaimer: I don't own digimon.
I'm not really sure if the end of the week is Saturday or Sunday because everyone seems to think something different, but in this storyline it's Sunday.
Now, the real story starts!
Chapter Eleven: The Death of Sora: Sora's Story
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"Anything?" I asked eagerly as the doctor walked into Tai's room. I held my breath, praying for good news. He shook his head solemnly. I let my breath out in a loud, disappointed sigh.
I saw Mr. and Mrs. Kamiya enter the room behind the doctor, Kari behind them. This can't be good, I thought to myself. I would have thought it was good news that they were all being gathered together, but the doctor's facial expression told me otherwise.
"What is it, doctor?" Mr. Kamiya asked nervously.
I shifted uneasily in my seat. Maybe this was more of a family situation. I decided I should leave them alone to talk about Tai's progress. They could update me later, if they wanted.
"Um, maybe I should go…" I said awkwardly as I rose from my chair. Mrs. Kamiya gave me a warm smile and shook her head.
"No dear, you sit down," she commanded. "You're family."
I sat down obediently, feeling good. Well, as good as you could feel when the man you love is lying in a coma a few feet away. She called me family. Did they all feel that way? I definitely think of them as family. I love my parents, things between my mother and I have gotten a lot better, but this was different.
There was a mother, father, daughter and son. They were the perfect family, but they still made me feel welcome, like I was wanted. Don't get me wrong, I know I'm wanted with my family, but there are a few things you miss out on when your parents live on two different continents…not that they ever really saw each other when they both lived in Japan.
When my parents got divorced, it was really hard for me. No matter how hard my parents tried to make it seem like everything was the same, it wasn't. Everything had changed, and I knew it. I was pretty young, around fourteen or so. Like any typical teenager, I didn't get along too well with my mom. So, when my dad told me he was moving to another town, I jumped at the chance to leave with him. I never realized all the things I would be leaving behind.
But I guess it was meant to be. If I had never left with my dad the summer before high school started, I would have gone to Odaiba High with Mimi and the others. I would have met Tai then, and who knows what would have happened. I would never know for sure, but I have a feeling that Tai and I wouldn't have gotten along. In all honesty, I think he would have gone for Mimi instead. Come on, the captain of the soccer team, who was also the hottest guy in school, and the head cheerleader, who was undoubtedly the prettiest girl in school? It sounds about right.
But it didn't happen, I told myself. He was with me and I would never let anything take him away from me, comas included.
But no matter how happy I was with my life, there were things that I missed out on. Things the little girl inside of me had missed out on. Like having family dinners. Every time I sat down at the dinner table opposite my father, I didn't feel whole. I knew why, too. My mother was missing. And when I ate dinner with my mother, it felt wrong because my father was missing. No matter what happened, a piece of the puzzle was always missing. And there was no long-term solution.
But when I went to Tai's house for dinner, it was different…it was a real family. They had dinner together and, though it doesn't sound like much, it amazed me. It meant the world to me that they would invite me into their foreign, sacred ritual, as if I was one of their own. In a way, they were the missing puzzle piece.
Mr. and Mrs. Kamiya were like second parents to me, and Kari was like a baby sister. Since I never had any siblings growing up, I was more than okay with that. Kari would always ramble on about "one day, when I officially become a member of the family." She would always daydream about Tai and I getting married. I used to believe that it would happen one day, but I'm not sure anymore. I'm not sure I would get to even see Tai open his eyes again, let alone become his wife.
Suddenly, with that thought, all the things I had been worrying about before the accident seemed really insignificant. So what if I didn't do well on my exams? Who cares if my parents never got back together? And who really gives a shit if I get married and live happily ever after? It's not like that could ever happen without Tai, anyway.
"I'm afraid I have some bad news," the doctor said, interrupting my thoughts. I snapped my head in his direction, holding my breath as he spoke. "It seems there is no change. While that can seem like a good thing, because he's not getting any worse, it isn't. Tai's coma is in a very delicate stage. The longer he stays in it, the harder it will be for him to come out. I'm afraid that if this keeps up, he might never come out of it," he said stiffly.
I was amazed at how little emotion he had in his voice. His expression was stone cold and dead serious. I wondered how many times he's done this before. Probably thousands, I'd bet. I would never, in a million years, be able to do what this man does. How could you say to a person, "I'm sorry but it looks like your kid isn't gonna make it." But I guess someone had to do it. Thank God people do it, because the world probably wouldn't go on without them. All I knew was that I had never respected a job position more than I had right at that moment. I had a new sense of pride and respect Joe, who would give his right leg to be where that doctor was.
The rest of the conversation was a blur. I could hear Tai's family talking with the doctor, but their words didn't reach me. It's like the words floated in my direction, but burned up and melted away before making it to my ears. Whatever, I probably wouldn't have wanted to hear what they had to say anyway.
All I could think about was tomorrow. Tomorrow would be Sunday, the end of the week. I had gone on and on to Mimi about how Tai would be up by Sunday. But it didn't look like that was going to happen, did it? I needed a miracle.
They were pretty common, right?
I sighed and shifted positions again. I stretched my legs and winced in pain. They were pretty stiff since I hadn't really been using them much. Ever since the accident, I had basically sat in that chair all day and night. I didn't leave his room that much.
Sure, there were a few exceptions. Like when one of the others wanted to get their alone time in with Tai. Or when my mother visited. Whenever she was there, I tried to act really normal, like the world around me wasn't falling apart. I didn't really see her much, though. Mostly because she was always at work or at home and I have remained in that slightly uncomfortable chair, which was in neither place.
But that was about it. I didn't really eat much, and sleeping was a thing of the past. It's not that I didn't want to sleep; it was that I simply couldn't. Every time I shut my eyes, I could picture that day. You know, that day…the one that started all of this shit. I would never forget it, it would be with me forever, and I accepted that. I knew that I would always think back on it from time to time, but did it really need to consume ever aspect of my life like it was? Sleep was my one escape from it all, and I couldn't even do that anymore.
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Dr. Chang was a nice woman, I suppose. She had wavy brown hair and fair skin. She had nice blue eyes and big, pouty lips. She was very pretty, but she had an intelligent 'I-know-what-you're-thinking' look that stopped her from being beautiful. She seemed a little lonely; her work was probably her life.
She was the doctor that Mrs. Kamiya called my mother about, hinting that maybe it would be beneficial for me to have a session with. My mother had obviously taken the hint.
So there I was, in some doctor's office in the hospital. It wasn't the same one who was treating Tai; it was one from the psychiatric floor.
I was embarrassed by the fact that Mrs. Kamiya thought I needed professional help to deal with everything that was happening. Did she think I was psycho, or something? Did she think that I belonged on this floor, stuck inside a padded cell wearing a straightjacket?
I guess it was kind of sweet, her looking out for me the way she did, but it still didn't make this any easier. Growing up, I was never any good at expressing my feelings. Maybe because I had nobody to express them to, since my parents were so wrapped up in the divorce.
"So Sora, I understand that you've been…affected by the shootings that took place," she said gently, as if unsure how to approach the subject. How could someone who made a living doing this not know how to start off a session? That's what this was, after all: a session.
I bit my tongue, to keep from rolling my eyes or saying something rude, and nodded.
"If you're referring to the fact that my boyfriend is in a coma, then yes, I guess you could say I was affected by the accident," I snapped. Okay, so what I said was pretty rude, but whatever.
She made a note on her paper and I could feel the anger well up inside me. What the hell could she possibly write a note about? I had said twenty, maybe twenty-five words to her, and she was already making noteworthy observations? Either this woman was brilliant, or completely off her rocker. Maybe both.
"And how is Tai doing, Sora?" she asked. I shrugged, as if it was no big deal.
"He's not doing too well, I guess. The doctor says the longer he stays in a coma the less likely he'll ever come out of it," I explained. I noticed that my voice was robotic; I had said it in the same tone you would use to order fast food while going through a drive-thru.
Simple. Quick. Painless.
Everything that it wasn't.
She stared into my crimson eyes with her blue ones. I wanted to look away, but I willed against it. This was a staring contest to see who would give in and look away. I refused to be the first to do so.
Her eyes were calm, deep pools filled with warmth and concern. Could it be that she cared about me, or was she simply thinking about something else? Yeah, that had to be it. Perhaps she was contemplating how she would spend the boatload of cash she was making off this pointless chat of ours. Oh, the woes of Dr. Chang.
What did my eyes tell her? Did they say how I felt? No, I don't think there was enough time in the world for someone, even a psychiatrist like her, to read my thoughts and uncover my true feelings.
"How do you feel about that, Sora?" she asked me. As I assumed, she couldn't get a read on me. It was a small victory, but a victory nonetheless. The power struggle had shifted, ever so slightly, in my favour.
The score so far was Sora, 1. Dr. Chang, 0.
I smiled smugly to myself. I could tell this woman thought highly of herself. She had the big, intimidating office with the impressive awards displayed all over her walls. She had a confident air about her, but she didn't come across as snobby. There was no superiority in the way she spoke or the way she stared. She was just there to listen and observe.
She probably prided herself on being able to read people from their mannerisms and expressions. The fact that I stumped her gave me a strange sense of pride, as if I had accomplished something. But as I sat there, staring at this successful woman, I knew I had accomplished nothing in the presence of Doctor Chang.
I opened my mouth to answer, but stopped. How did I feel about it? I was angry. I was sad. I was disturbed and worried. But I would never tell her this, would I? No, I wouldn't. I didn't need help. I was perfectly fine; I was dealing with everything in my own way, at my own pace.
"I'm…" I trailed off. I couldn't think of anything to say that would be considered a plausible answer. I couldn't say I was fine, because I wasn't. But none of the other words seemed to fit. If I was going to tell this woman how I was feeling, it would probably take a while.
She raised one of her eyebrows, something I instantly wished I could do, and urged me to continue.
"You're…" she started for me.
"I'm…afraid."
And that was the truth. I was afraid that the accident, or something like it, could happen again. I was afraid that this could happen to someone I loved. I was afraid because it did happen to someone I love. But most of all, I was afraid of tomorrow. I had given myself a deadline, a date that would force me to get up and get on with my life. I needed to make a future for myself. The scariest part was that, as it stood, my future might not have involved Tai. Even worse, what if my future consisted of me sitting at Tai's bedside because he still hasn't woken up?
How long would I stay like that? I hadn't eaten, slept, showered…and I had no excuse. I could tell myself that I was dealing, but I really wasn't. Everyone else was, but I was stuck in a rut. Between the kingdoms, I was undecided. Heaven was Tai waking up and hell was Tai dying. Right now, he was stuck in between, in limbo. That's where I was, because I was waiting for him to pick a direction. He would pick his path, and I would probably follow.
Unless I got help. But where would I get it? Oh right, it was right there in front of me. But I needed to ask for it, could I do that?
"Sora, I'm told that you haven't been sleeping much. Why is that?" Dr. Chang changed the subject. Not because she was uncomfortable, that was her job after all, but because she knew what I was feeling. She knew since the moment I walked in. She could read me like a book, and here I was feeling superior because I thought she didn't have a clue. Truth was, I didn't have a clue. She wasn't trying to crack my code; she was waiting for me to.
"I don't know…I guess it's because I keep seeing it every time I close my eyes," I explained.
"Keep seeing what?" she asked, though she knew perfectly well what I was talking about.
"The accident," I whispered. She raised an eyebrow again, and I was still jealous of her talent.
"You keep calling it that, Sora."
"Keep calling it what?"
"An accident. It wasn't an accident." I hadn't even realized I was calling it that. "It was intentional, it was planned. It was a horrible thing, but Sora, it was no accident."
Okay, okay, she got me. Point for her.
Score: Sora, 1. Dr. Chang, 1.
We were all tied up, and whoever made the next move would take the cake.
I grew slightly angry. So what if I called it an accident? What did it matter? It wasn't like I was denying it had happened, I was just using a different name for it!
And why did she keep using my name in every one of her sentences? Sora this and Sora that…can't she find any other words in her vocabulary? You would think that she would have a variety of words to use, being that she was a doctor and all.
"Look," I began, "I appreciate your concern but—"
"But, you're afraid to let anyone in because the last person you let in is in a coma right now," she finished. I bit my lip, as I had already done several times during this little "session". How did she know that? That was the truth, wasn't it? No, it wasn't! Just because I didn't want to talk to her didn't mean I didn't want to talk to anyone, right?
And how dare she bring Tai into this? How dare she act like she's known me all my life, when in reality she's known me for all of ten minutes? No, I wouldn't sit here and listen to this any longer than I already had.
This session was over.
"But," I said with a hint of annoyance in my voice, "I don't really think this is going anywhere." I stood up and was about to walk out when she challenged me once again.
"Maybe not, but I truly believe that you need help. Please consider taking a few therapy sessions. You have suffered a very traumatic experience," she said, almost taunting me.
"Well, maybe you're right," I said, rising to the challenge.
I could see a look of shock tremor through her face. I felt slightly satisfied, knowing that she didn't expect that to come from me.
Looks like she can't read me as well as she thinks she can, I thought. But like I said, I still only felt slightly satisfied. I needed to go for more to make myself feel truly content. So, like a vulture circling it's pray, I went in for the kill.
"But, with all due respect, I don't think I'll be getting it from you. I mean, sure, you might look good on paper, with all your awards and what not," I said, gesturing to the wall of plaques, "but you don't really seem to know what you're talking about."
Of course that had been a lie. Honestly, she kind of hit the nail on the head, but I wouldn't let her know that. It felt great seeing her smug smile slowly fade from her face. It melted like ice cream on a hot summer day.
I walked out of the office on cloud nine. I was a mess inside and it felt great to project even the slightest bit of that feeling onto her.
The final score was Sora, 2, Dr. Chang, 1.
But as I walked to the elevator and rode it back to the fourth floor, I realized that no matter what happened in that office, she was still the reputable, debonair doctor, and I was just some lunatic keeping score.
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Sunday came and went. There was still no change from Tai, and I sort of lost all hope that there ever would be. I was so positive that he would be up and about—or at least up—by Sunday. But he wasn't. Just like he wasn't on Monday, which was the day I went home, ending my weeklong marathon of sitting in a chair staring into space.
"Hello?" my mom answered the phone at 8am on Monday morning.
"Hi mom, it's me. Can you…can you come pick me up please?" I asked. She was silent for a minute, almost unsure about what I had just said. Maybe she thought Tai had died, but if she had, she didn't ask.
"Sure, I'll be right there," she said.
"Thanks." I was about to hang up the phone when I heard her call my name. I put the phone back to my ear.
"I love you, Sora."
"I love you, too."
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I entered my house and it felt like I had never been there before. Did it look different? Had it changed? Maybe not, maybe I was the one who changed. I took the stairs slowly, one step at a time. I used to bound up the steps, taking them two or even three at a time. But that was then, this is now.
I didn't even stop at my room, just went straight to the bathroom. On my way, I passed by our guest room. It was the room Tai used to stay in, that summer that we met. That seemed like forever ago, had it really been only two years? It seems like that part of my life happened so long ago. Even yesterday seemed like it had happened a couple decades ago.
I stripped off my clothes and looked in the mirror. I gasped at the girl staring back at me. My auburn hair was greasy and tangled; the bags under my eyes practically reached the floor. My face hadn't been properly washed in a few days and I could tell I lost a bit of weight from not eating much all week. But none of that mattered.
It was like I was numb, kind of like your gums when you go to the dentist and get a tooth pulled. I had lost something, but it wasn't a tooth. It was a lot bigger than a tooth, and no amount of Novocain would ever make me feel better.
In a way, I liked it. Feeling numb was good. And while it was only a temporary effect, it would do for now. I didn't need to feel like this forever, but I needed it for now. I prayed it wouldn't be wearing off anytime soon.
On the other hand, I wanted to feel the pain. Pain was good; it snaps you back to reality. I deserved it. If Tai can lie in a hospital bed in a coma, can't I suffer a little too? It feels selfish to not want to feel pain…I should feel it. I'd be a coward if I didn't want to feel any…that's not what Tai was about. But then again, Tai and I weren't really the same in that aspect. He was strong and courageous; I'm not. I'm weak; I can't take the pain.
No, I didn't want the pain just yet. I needed that numbness and I needed it for a long time.
I got into the shower and turned on the water. It was burning hot and I didn't care. As it rolled over my shoulders and down my back, I was at peace. For those few precious moments, I wasn't thinking about anything. I was just there, existing. The way I liked it, the way I needed it to be for now.
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I lay on my bed that night unable to stop my thoughts. It was about 9pm and I was feeling incredibly restless. I sat up and stumbled out of my room. I went down the stairs in my new, slow manner and saw my mom in the kitchen.
"Hey," she said smiling. I smiled back at her. I didn't really feel like talking and she knew that.
"Is it alright if I go out and get a few groceries? If you don't want to be alone it can wait until tomorrow or something," she offered. I shook my head.
"No, I'll be fine. You can go mom, really," I told her. She reached out and stroked my cheek with a look that said 'you've grown up so much'. The old Sora would roll her eyes, but I just watched her grab her keys and leave.
I sat at the kitchen counter for another twenty minutes, trying to decide what I should do. Finally, I settled it. I was going to go upstairs, get dressed, and go out. I wouldn't think about Tai, not tonight.
I went up the stairs slowly, hearing a loud creak when I hit the third step, and walked into my room. I sat down at my makeup table and looked in the mirror. I still had bags under my eyes but they weren't as noticeable as they were before. Nothing a little makeup wouldn't cover. At least I looked human again, right? My hair was shiny and revitalized, looking as good as ever. I ran a brush through it and shook it a bit. I used to love playing with my hair, but it did nothing for me anymore.
I picked up my makeup kit and sorted through it. I applied a bit of eye shadow and mascara. I put on my eyeliner and lip liner, and then applied the gloss. I got dressed and went downstairs. I went down them a little bit quicker this time, feeling a little better than I had the last time I used them.
I was wearing a baby pink tank top that showed off my midriff. I had on a short denim skirt and black, high-heeled boots. Not too high, but enough to make me appear a bit taller. I'm not exactly short—about 5'7"—but I've gotten into the habit of wearing heels. Because Tai is so tall, I wear heels whenever we would go out so I didn't look like a dwarf. I felt silly for doing it now, because I wasn't with Tai this yime. No, I scolded myself, stop thinking about him! This is you're night, don't spoil it.
I remembered that my mother was out grocery shopping and had the car. Oh well, I could always walk. I wasn't too sure where I was going but I couldn't stay in that house. I would go crazy if I stayed cooped up in my room all night. I grabbed a small jacket in case it got a little chilly out and walked out of my house, forgetting to leave my mom a note. Or maybe I did remember, and just didn't care.
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I had been walking for about ten minutes before I decided I was officially crazy. What was I doing walking aimlessly around Odaiba at 10 o'clock at night? Where exactly did I think I was going?
Even though I decided it was stupid, I just kept walking. It was like my legs were carrying me, and I was powerless to do anything but let them take me where they may.
After a few more minutes I arrived at a club. I had been there once before with Tai, Mimi and Matt.
Tai…I couldn't go in there, could I? This was definitely not a place I wanted to be. Not if I wanted to forget about Tai, at least. I went in anyway.
I approached the line, but the bouncer just stepped away and waved me in, ahead of the other people. I smiled. Maybe I looked better than I thought I had. I walked into the club and loud music filled my ears. I could hear it even from outside on the street, but I wasn't prepared for how loud it was really going to be. I was disoriented, but I assumed it was from the lack of food in my system and not from the music.
What am I doing here? First of all, I was by myself. What would possess me to come here, unescorted, to a sleazy club? I approached the bar and sat down. After a few minutes I decided I might as well order a drink. I got a scotch on the rocks and drank it down. After a few more minutes, a guy came up to me and sat down beside me and ordered two drinks from the bartender.
"Hey Sora," he said. I was shocked that he knew my name. I turned to face him, and recognized him immediately.
"Oh, hey Alex," I said smiling at him. Alex and I had gone to Odaiba High together. He also went to Tokyo University for the first few months, but then he dropped out. He ordered us two shots and kept talking.
"How are you?"
"Pretty good," I answered, faking contentment. I figured if he didn't know about Tai and the shootings, why should I tell him? It would only ruin a perfectly good time. Okay, so we weren't having that great of time, but that's a minor detail in the grand scheme of things.
"I, uh, heard about what happened," he said sympathetically. I nodded, not really shocked. It had been all over the news and he had gone to Odaiba High, why had I assumed he didn't know about it?
"Oh," was all I could say. The bartender set the two shots in front of us. Alex gulped his down but I didn't go for mine just yet. I wanted to see what he would say.
"Yeah…well I know you've probably been having a tough time." I shrugged, not ready to admit that I was. Alex was kind of a stranger; I hadn't seen him in so long and I didn't really need another friend. Part of me wanted him to leave me alone, but the other part of me wanted him to stick around. "Look, if you ever want to get away from it, I can help you out…if you know what I mean," he said lowering his voice.
I knew exactly what he meant. It was no secret that Alex partied pretty hard during his time at Odaiba High. It was also no secret as to why he dropped out of Tokyo University.
I didn't turn down his offer, though I knew I should have. Maybe I didn't have the willpower to, maybe I just didn't care to. But no matter what the reason was, I just downed my shot in one big gulp, got up, and followed him outside.
We wound up in the back of the club with a bunch of others, mostly guys. A few of them I recognized from high school, and a few I had never met before. There were six of them in all: four guys and two girls. They were all huddled in a tight circle, smoking up. Alex cleared his throat and they all turned around.
"Hey guys, this is Sora," Alex said to the group, introducing me. I waved shyly as they looked me up and down, judging me.
"Hey," most of them said. A few of them just nodded, being too cool to speak.
"Hold it—Sora? As in Sora Takenouchi?" One of the two girls in the group asked. I nodded, more insecure and self-conscious than ever. I looked at the girl, trying to remember her. Did she go to high school with me? I couldn't seem to place her anywhere.
"Yeah, why?" Alex asked after a second.
"Isn't that the chick that hung out with princess Mimi?" the girl asked, seeming offended and disgusted that I was near her.
"Shut up Summer, she seems cool enough," the other girl said after giving me the once-over.
Oh right, I remember her now. I hadn't recognized her because she looked different than she had at Odaiba High. Summer used to be gothic, punk, and really scary. Mimi and her were total opposites in high school, practically enemies. She hated Mimi; Mimi hated her.
"Whatever," Summer said, rolling her eyes.
"Okay, anyway," Alex said, sensing the uncomfortable tension in the air. "This is everybody," he explained. "Owen, Josh, Chris, Mark, Jan, and of course, Summer," he said, introducing them all to me. I knew Chris, Mark and Summer from Odaiba High. "Everybody, this is Sora."
We stood there for a while, silent, until Josh started talking.
"You two joining us, or what?" he asked.
"Yeah, come on Takenouchi, you'll love it," Mark said. I walked a little closer to them, my heart pounding. I was nervous, I realized. My hand shook as I reached out and accepted what he was offering me.
……………………………………………………………
"No way!" I shrieked, laughing hysterically. I was back inside the club, sitting with my new "friends" at a table in the centre of the room.
"I swear," Summer said, laughing just as hard. "Why do you think I got such a good mark in science that year," she said with a mischievous smile on her face. I laughed again. Summer just told me a crazy story about her and our hott science teacher from senior year.
"That's so wild," I said when I had stopped laughing. I finished off the rest of my drink, as did Summer and Jan.
"We're gonna go get more drinks," Alex announced. "Anyone want another?" I nodded and pushed my glass toward him. The other two girls did the same "What are you drinking?" he asked.
"Vodka," the three of us said in unison before breaking off into another fit of laughter. Alex, Chris and Owen left to get more alcohol.
"You know, Sor, you are so cool," Summer said. I looked at her and noticed that her pupils were huge. I couldn't tell if it was from the alcohol or the pot, but either way, she looked wrecked out of her mind. I laughed.
It was so strange that Summer and I were getting along. If Mimi could see this, she'd have a fit. I never used to like Summer, probably because of her relationship with Mimi—or lack thereof. I used to think Summer was jealous…I had been way off base. If anything, Mimi should have been envying her, not the other way around. She had the simple, fun, wild life. Nobody cared what she thought or did, and in turn, she didn't give a shit about them. Practically every kid in our high school watched every move Mimi made, and that's no way to live.
"Totally. How come you never came around here before?" Jan asked curiously, snapping me out of my thoughts. I opened my mouth to reply but Summer cut me off.
"Because, Sora was one of those preppy girls in high school who had her head up her ass," she said faintly. Then she started laughing again. "I can still picture you and Tachikawa walking around school like you owned the damned thing."
I blushed, but nobody could tell under the dim lighting. That was a side of me I didn't want these people to know about. I could tell that as long as I hung out with them, I would have to be a completely different Sora than the one I was with Mimi and the others. I wasn't going to change myself, just show the side of me that I didn't normally show with my other friends. I could show that side with these friends, and I loved that.
"No way," Jan said, her eyes wide. "You were like that? But you seem so…different!"
"Well she was," Summer said objectively. Then she shot me a smile that told me it was all water under the bridge. I relaxed a bit and looked around, wondering where the guys were with my drink.
"So, Takenouchi, you still dating that Kamiya guy?" Mark asked. I froze, not sure what to say. Alex wasn't there to explain about Tai's…situation. I doubted that Summer knew, so I would have to handle this all on my own.
"Yeah," I said simply. And I realized that was all I needed. They didn't need my life story, just a simple yes or no answer. So I gave them it.
"Too bad," Josh stated, winking at me. I blushed, but once again, they couldn't tell. I smiled and looked up to see the guys coming back with our drinks.
"What he's trying to say is that you totally fit in with us. You can keep up, you know?" Owen butted in, coming up behind Josh and setting some drinks down. I flashed another dazzling smile.
"Yeah, you can totally hang with us, like, anytime you want," Summer said.
"Cool," I said before downing my vodka.
……………………………………………………………
Two hours later I stumbled out of Alex's car and up my driveway, laughing uncontrollably.
"Bye Sora!" some of the guys yelled. I winced, sure that my mother had woken up. Hell, the whole neighbour was probably awake, considering all the noise we were making. I waved and started laughing again, this time for no reason. I guess I was pretty trashed, too.
"I'll call you tomorrow," Summer yelled.
"Me too," Jan added.
"Sounds good! Bye everyone!" I yelled and blew an over-exaggerated kiss to the car as it drove off. Then I shifted through my purse and grabbed my keys. My hands shook ever so slightly as I fumbled around, trying to get the key in the lock.
I finally did, and staggered into my house. I shut the door behind me, but I don't remember whether I locked it or not. I threw my jacket on the coat rack and bounced up the stairs faster than I ever had before.
I skipped into my room and collapsed on my bed. I heard my mom open her door and enter the hallway, her footsteps getting closer and closer.
"Sora? Is that you?" My mom asked through the door.
"Yeah, it's me."
"Where were you tonight? I got worried when I came home and you weren't here," she said. Normally, I would have felt guilty, but I was on too much of a trip to care.
"I went for a walk to clear my head and ran into some friends. I lost track of time, I'm sorry I didn't call," I yelled through the door.
She was silent for a minute, trying to decide whether I was telling the truth or not. Technically, I did. I just didn't elaborate and go into too much detail about my 'friends'.
"Oh, that's fine. Leave a note next time though, okay?" she asked, backing down. She probably wanted to give me space and not smother me, since I was "emotionally fragile" right now.
"Yeah, promise. But if you don't mind, I'm really tired and I just want to sleep." I knew that would get her. She's been worried all week about me because I wasn't sleeping, so she couldn't really deny me any right now.
"Of course. Goodnight, I love you." She sounded muffled through the door. Maybe just because my brain was swirling around in my head and my room was violently spinning.
"Love you, too," I said quietly, not sure whether she heard it or not.
I heard footsteps as she slowly retreated back into her bedroom and shut the door. I sighed and sat up, hand on my head. I shut my eyes and willed the room to stop spinning. When I opened my eyes, it had.
I looked around and my eyes fell upon a picture on my night table. It was of my mom, dad and me, before it happened. "It" was the divorce…that was my way of dealing with it—just like I did when I called the shootings "an accident". That was my system, my method. Not putting it into words, not allowing it to be real. But it was real.
I would try to picture my life before the divorce. It seemed so hazy, so far away. When the divorce happened, it consumed every part of my life. I would look at that picture almost nightly as I sat in my bedroom at my dad's house, hoping to remember a simpler time.
As I stared into my own smiling face, I was shocked at how unfamiliar it was. That happy, carefree girl wasn't me. She was someone else.
No, she was Sora. I was someone else.
Where did Sora go?
I didn't know where Sora had gone, and that was scary. But nothing scared me more than the next question on my mind.
Did I want to find her?
The way I saw it, I could do one of two things:
Tomorrow, when Jan and Summer called me, I could tell them I didn't feel like it and gradually distance myself from their group. I could blow them off and go hang out at the mall with Mimi, like we had done so many times before. I could be Sora Takenouchi, the happy girl with all the potential in the world. Yes, this was the path to finding Sora.
Or, I could do what I wanted, and go out with them. I could tell my mother I was going to the mall with Mimi, but sneak off with them and get high instead. I could get that numbness that I wanted oh-so-badly…the numbness I was feeling right now. I could forget about what everyone expects me to be, and be what I want to be…even if it means losing myself in the process. This was the path to taking Sora, locking her in a tiny little box, and throwing away the key.
My mind was already made up, even before I weighed out the two choices. Every ounce of good judgment was telling me that getting involved with Alex and his crowd would destroy me. I would ruin my future, and lose all my friends. My parents would be terribly disappointed…and what would Tai think?
But that didn't stop me. So what if I lose my friends. Some friends they are, anyway. Forcing me to be something that I'm not. Being with Summer and Jan tonight was so different from when I'm with Mimi. I don't need to worry about what I say or do around them; they accept me anyway. Even after all the shitty things I did to Summer in high school.
And what did I care if my parents were disappointed? I've spent my entire life striving for their approval, and for what? I don't care whether they're proud of me or not, because I don't need them. Did they care about what I thought when they collectively tore our family apart and divorced? No.
Then there was Tai…how would he know, anyway? If I remember correctly, he's in a coma. That's why this all started, after all. But I couldn't blame Tai, nor would I try to. This was my choice, and nobody was going to tell me otherwise.
Yeah, I knew what I was going to do. I was going to go with Summer tomorrow, and do whatever we were going to do.
Because I no longer wanted to be Sora.
Sora, the girl everyone comes to for advice and comfort when they have a problem. Always the shoulder for Mimi to cry on, always the arms wrap around Kari. I was the perky girl with the constant smile, the girl who everybody loved. The reliable one, the one who had to be strong for everyone else's sake.
Well no more. I'm tired of being strong for everyone. If they can all fall apart, why can't I? After all, I had definitely reached my breaking point.
I realized that I hated what I had become. I hated Sora; I have for a long time. It just took a different perspective—and a night of heavy drinking—to finally let me see things for what they were.
My vision was blurry and I was terribly disoriented. And ironically, my head had never felt clearer.
This, as it would come to be known to me, was the night Sora Takenouchi died.
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This is my favourite chapter! I had so much fun writing it.
Sorry about that whole tooth/numbness analogy, but I wrote it right after I got home from the dentist and I had a tooth pulled so I couldn't resist lol!
I want tons of reviews, because this chapter was way longer than my others (17 pages). Also, I want to know which chapter so far has been your favourite, so let me know!
Later.