Disclaimer: I don't own digimon.
Hey, I'm back with another chapter. I had a little scare with my computer (I got a virus and my hard drive got deleted! I thought I lost my story, and I had about five chapters finished and not posted yet.) But, thankfully, I got them back. And, to celebrate my good mood, I'm updating ahead of schedule. Go me.
Thanks for all the reviews!
This chapter switches back and forth between many different POV's. Just pay attention and you'll figure out who's who.
Chapter Thirteen: What Happened To Us?
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Word came yesterday that Jacob Tanaka was out on bail, but was still waiting for a trial. It almost didn't seem real to me. How could they let him go? I remember thinking when Izzy told me the news. Why didn't they just throw the death penalty at him?
Okay, okay, it was a terrible thing to think, but I didn't care. The more I thought about it, the more I agreed with T.K: Jake deserved the same fate he inflicted on so many innocent people in that school. I talked to a few other people from Odaiba High about it and they all seemed to share the same opinion as my brother. I thought about what Kari said, and realized it was true. Everyone did want him dead when he got out…and now he was.
So you can understand why I wasn't too surprised when Jacob turned up dead just a few hours after he was released on bail.
I'm beginning to worry, though. I hadn't seen T.K. or Kari at all that day. Normally, they stop by the hospital every morning to visit Tai, but I didn't see either of them that morning. After I heard that Jacob was dead, I finally found them. They were both acting pretty suspicious, which was very unsettling for me.
T.K. was my baby brother, not a murderer. And Kari, she's practically my sister, for God's sake. Neither of them could have done it. I told myself over and over that it was just my imagination, but I didn't really believe that.
All I knew was this: I would protect my brother and sister, and help them out in any way they needed. Even if it means providing them with a fake alibi.
Yes, if I had to, I would help cover up a murder.
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Jacob is dead, and I'm pretty sure that Matt thinks I had something to do with it. But I didn't, I swear I didn't. The reason Kari and I were acting so strange that day was because of something else. Trust me, when Jacob was killed, we were busy with other things…
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I received a letter in the mail the other day, from Odaiba High. I wondered what they could possibly want to say. Was this an apology note, or something like that? Were they trying to make up for everything that happened to everyone—including my brother? I wasn't sure. As I ran my fingers over the brown envelope, it hit me: I would probably have to go back.
I opened the envelope and read the note eagerly.
Ms. Hikari Kamiya,
The administration board at Odaiba High School would like to express its deepest sympathy and sincerest apologies for the recent happenings. It was a tragedy, but we must go on. On Monday, July 11th, we will be holding a memorial service for all those who were lost in the tragedy. We will also keep those who are injured in our prayers as we grieve for our beloved staff and students.
We, the administration, have collectively reached an agreement as to when faculty and students are to return to school. It is currently undergoing repairs and cleaning, but hopefully the building will be ready for Tuesday, July 12th, 2005. While the end of the year is looming right around the corner, we must remember that our studies are still important, in the midst of all these hardships. We hope to see you Tuesday, as we attempt to finish up yet another year at Odaiba High School.
Sincerely,
The Odaiba School Board and Administrative Council.
They must be kidding, I told myself. Surely they didn't expect us all to go back to school and stroll down those hallways as if nothing had happened! It was insane—unhealthy, even.
It was a truly preposterous idea. There was no way they would make us go back…not after that. I could never go back, nor would I want to. I'm sure that everyone else was feeling the same way.
That building was evil, just being in it would remind us all of everything that had taken place in there. It should be destroyed, burnt to a crisp.
I prayed that somewhere, someone was thinking the same thing as me, and would act on it. I prayed that someone took it upon themselves to get rid of that awful place once and for all. Nobody would blame them; they would probably thank them, actually. I know I would.
No one should ever have to look at that Odaiba High again. I couldn't stop thinking of all the poor mothers who would have to drive down that street, see that building and know that that was where their child lost their life. Yes, it should be torn down.
But it wouldn't get torn down. The administration was already planning on moving everyone back into that school…they wouldn't get rid of it now. Plus, they had just built that building and moved the entire school about six or seven years ago. It was still practically brand new.
They would have no reason to tear it down. It would stay there, serving as a constant reminder of the events that transpired there.
Unless…
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"You're going where?" I screamed at her.
"To the school," she answered me matter-of-factly. Part of me couldn't believe what she just told me, and yet the other part wasn't really surprised at all.
"Kari, you can't—"
"—Yes, T.K., I can. I know you may not think it's the right solution, and you can try to talk me out of it but you can't. My mind is made up," she told me. I shook my head, and wrapped my arms around her waist.
"You didn't let me finish." She looked up at me and raised an eyebrow. "You can't do this alone. Let me come with you," I offered. Her eyes widened.
"No, I can't ask you to do that," she told me.
"You don't have to. I'm coming, and that's final," I stated. She stared at me for a minute, deciding what to do next. I could still see a hint of uncertainty in her eyes, like she really thought she should do this alone. She opened her mouth, most likely to tell me she was going to do it alone. I shut her up the only way I knew how—a nice, heated kiss that made her melt in my arms.
"Fine," she said, giving in. "But I want you to remember that it was your idea to come."
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"Do you want to do the honours?" I asked T.K. He shook his head.
"No, this is all you babe," he said. I smiled and took the match from his hand.
With one swift motion, I lit it, and tossed it about five feet in front of me.
Everything was like a dream; it all seemed so surreal. As T.K. and I—dressed in all black—ran, I threw a final glance over my shoulder. I saw the school, or at least what was left of it. The flames were rapidly growing, almost completely engulfing the front section.
It was about midnight, and we were almost completely surrounded by darkness. We had to wait for it to get dark, which took longer than we would have hoped, since it was the middle of July. Now it got dark a lot later than it did in the winter, which proved to be a slight disadvantage. While I didn't like sneaking out of my house in the middle of the night, this was the only option. My parents would have been furious if they found out where I was going, and I prayed they didn't notice that I was gone.
We stopped running after a while, trying to catch our breath. By now we were pretty far away, so we figured it would be safe to walk the rest of the way home. It wasn't very far, so it wouldn't take too long.
T.K. walked me home and I kissed him goodnight. We spent a good five minutes on my front step before he finally broke the kiss and said goodbye.
He started to walk away, but turned around and came back. He looked deep into my eyes and leaned in really close. Then, he says something that we both knew, but had never said aloud before.
"I love you."
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I sat in Tai's hospital room studying the monitors he was hooked up to. At first, the sight of Tai lying there with tubes running through him was a huge shock to me, but I gradually got used to it. I found it pretty fascinating, and yet terrifying at the same time.
My goal in life was to become a doctor. But was that really my dream, or was it only my dad's? Ever since I was little he would say to me, 'Someday, you'll be a doctor just like me, Joe.'
Talk about pressure, huh?
Well, I never really minded. I was pretty good at dealing with pressure by now, and it was no longer a factor. Okay, so it was, but not a huge factor. That counts for something, right?
Anyway, if that were all I was dealing with, I would have no problem with being a doctor.
Unfortunately, it was a little more complicated than that. I wasn't sure if this was my calling. When I think about the rest of my life, I just don't really envision myself as a doctor anymore. I guess that all changed when I was in that school. How could I be a doctor, when I couldn't even save the life of one of the people around me? Most of the people I passed by in those halls, they could be…dead now. And it just as easily could have been me, or one of my friends. In fact, Tai was dangerously close to being in that category.
I couldn't help but think if I had just stopped to help even one of those people, maybe it would have made a difference. But I didn't do that, and I couldn't change the past, could I?
If I couldn't even fix things, who was I to become a doctor? How could I dedicate my life to saving the lives of others, when I let so many people die in that building? I wasn't a doctor, nor would I ever be. I was just some stupid kid with a crazy dream I could never achieve.
When you're a doctor…you literally have a life in your hands. Your patients trust you. They trust you to do your job correctly, and save them. But I couldn't do that.
And sure, maybe those kids in the halls weren't my patients, but what difference did it make? I couldn't help them, just like I wouldn't be able to help anyone else.
I would be especially screwed if I knew the patient. I could never operate on anyone that I knew, whether it was a family member or even just a regular patient whom I was rather fond of.
I guess I had always assumed that in the heat of the moment, no matter whom it was that needed help, I would be able to give it to them. My body would just take over, and I wouldn't have to think about it. But when I walked into that room and saw that Tai, one of my dearest friends, was the patient, I knew it would be easier said than done.
While it isn't in the best interest for a doctor to operate on family members—for obvious reasons—it wasn't technically a rule. And friends were a different matter entirely. So, what would I do if that day ever came?
My dad's had to operate on some of his old friends before. And he was the on-call doctor when they brought my maternal grandfather in for his heart attack. If you add in all the countless times my brother or I had broken a bone or gotten the flu—plus the fact that he helped deliver both of us—I guess you could say he's done a ton of procedures on family and friends. Something that I could never, and would never, do.
And it was because I was scared.
I was a coward, plain and simple.
And you and I both know that cowards never amount to anything.
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I lay in bed trying to fall asleep, but can't. My heart is pounding, my mind is racing and I'm on a major adrenaline kick. I can't believe what I have just done. It seems like a dream. More like a hallucination, actually. I feel like I'm on some kind of trip, but I'm not—nor have I ever been, for the record.
No, what just transpired was much, much better than any kind of trip. T.K. and I had the most amazing night ever, and I'll never forget it. God, T.K. is so wonderful. He really would do anything for me…he proved that tonight.
After I got a letter in the mail inviting me back to school, I reached a decision. I was going to burn down that school, so we never had to go back there again.
To that building, that is.
Of course we'll have to return to school, I have no problem with that. It's returning to that building…the place where it happened, that I refuse to do. As strange as it seems, I'm not scared of going back to school. I have no fear whatsoever that anything like this will ever happen again.
I'm not scared that Davis and his crew of freaks have inspired some crazy, outcast kids to follow in their footsteps. I'm not scared that any psychotic, gun-toting ex-convict is going to bust into school and blow my brains out. I have lived through it, and I'm fine.
Well, that's a lie. I'm completely fucked up; tonight proved that, too. But that isn't what I mean.
I'm not scared because, in a way, I've faced my fear. I know nobody would ever do that again because we've all lived through it. Nobody who has had something like that inflicted on them would ever try to inflict it on others.
I'm scared of other things. The things that come out of the blue, the things that never, not in a million years, would you have dreamed could happen to you.
A shooting at Odaiba High was one of those things, once. It isn't anymore.
No, the stuff that scares me now is things like car accidents or natural disasters, things that seemed too far-fetched to be real. Just like a school shooting that would put my brother in a coma had been at one point.
The things that terrify me so much that it actually keeps me up at night are simple things. Things like losing the people I love. Losing mom, losing dad…I don't know what I would do. If I lost Tai or T.K., I would want to die myself.
And what constantly looms over my head is that I could lose Tai at any minute. I'm not an idiot, I know that Tai has a ton of problems right now and he's really just touch-and-go.
That's what started all of this, I guess. No, not I guess…I know. I was angry; I still am. I'm angry because some sick bastards decided they would put a bullet into my brother, and then take their own lives. I wish they hadn't taken their own lives, so I would have had the pleasure of doing it for them.
There is not a doubt in my mind that I would have, too.
I promised Tai that I would make sure they all got what they deserved. I may not have been in my right mind when I made the promise, but it doesn't matter. I would have followed through on that promise, if someone hadn't gotten to him first.
But I couldn't kill them. I had no way of extracting revenge on any of them, and that only fueled the fire. So I did the only logical thing I thought I could do.
I burnt down the school. I only wish that they had been inside.
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The Takenouchi house had many different sounds, all of which were very familiar to Sora and her mother. Some of them happened occasionally; others happened nightly, almost like clockwork. All of them, however, were identifiable. Lately, there had been a few new ones. Ones that Sora's mother failed to hear and recognize.
CREAK
Sora, who was lying in her bed, didn't even flinch. She knew what the sound was; she had been waiting for it. This was the sound of her mother coming up the stairs, on her way to bed. The third step from the bottom was extremely noisy, and groaned under the pressure of a body every time it was stepped on.
Next, there was a slightly quieter series of clinks. Sora knew what this was, too. It was the sound of Mrs. Takenouchi's rings clanging against the banister of their stairs.
The light creeping in from under the doorway cast a shadow across the floor as her mother walked by. She heard slow, quiet footsteps slide across the hardwood floor as her mother approached her own bedroom.
She heard a slight creak from the hinges as her mom's door shut. Through the wall, she heard the TV turn on. The voice of David Letterman floated into her room, followed by the audience's laughter. Sora heard yet another creak as her mother slid her dresser drawer open and pulled out her pajamas. She waited, listening as her mother settled into her bed and fidgeted until she found a comfortable position.
Exactly half an hour later, the sounds of David Letterman came to an abrupt halt. Silence filled the air. Sora stayed completely still, listening for any signs that her mother was awake.
It was well known to Sora that her mother couldn't fall asleep without a TV on in the background, which is why she put it on a timer for 30 minutes. If her mother were still awake, she would get up and turn the TV back on right away.
After five minutes of inactivity, Sora sat up, swung her feet over the end of her bed, and stood up. She grabbed her cell phone, which was on her dresser, and text-messaged Summer. There was a low beeping each time Sora struck a key with her finger.
'All clear' she typed into her phone and then sent it.
She picked up her purse and opened it, cringing as the sound of the zipper cut loudly through the silence. She put her phone in there and zipped it back up quickly.
Then she went to her closet, which also creaked. She pulled off her pajamas, and put on her clubbing outfit. Tonight's outfit put Sora in a rather short black skirt and black fishnets. She put on a skimpy green shirt that said 'you know you want it', and crept over to her makeup table.
She sat down, and there was a barely audible 'click' heard as her small lamp turned on. She tried not to let too much light shine into the hallway incase her mother woke up. She put on her makeup quickly, trying something new this time. Instead of her regular—and slightly plain—style of makeup, she tried to copy Summer's. This meant dramatic: big eyes, bright red lips, and tons of eyeliner.
I look like I'm on drugs, Sora though, chuckling. She grabbed her pillows, arranged them in a way so they looked like a person, and covered them with her blankets. Just incase.
She walked over to her closet, got on her hands and knees, and picked up her black stilettos. Then she grabbed her purse and stealthily slipped into the hallway. She was a pro at this: She had had a lot of practice at sneaking out, after all.
Biting her lip, she made her way down the stairs. She was about to put her foot down on the third when she stopped herself, remembering how it creaked. If she was caught, Sora doubted her mother would believe she was getting a glass of water dressed like that. She hopped silently down to the second step and continued down them.
She grabbed her small jacket that was hanging on the coat rack and put it on. With a click that echoed through the house, Sora unlocked the door.
She pulled it open and the screech of the hinge was very audible.
"Shit," Sora whispered to herself. She stood still, listening for any sign that her mother was awake. When nothing happened, she walked out the door and shut it quickly. She cringed; sure it made the same creaking sound once again.
Once she was out, she sat down on the step and put her stilettos on. She had decided, after a few nights of stumbling around the house in them, that she just couldn't wear them inside without making too much noise and eventually getting caught.
She walked hurriedly down the dark street, the dim light from the streetlamps guiding her way through the darkness. It actually wasn't too dark, since it was July and only about midnight, but the darkness covered Sora like a protective blanket, and she was glad to have what little of it she could get. She reached the corner of her street and saw Owen's car slowing to a stop a couple yards away.
This was their nightly routine, and they had it down to a science by now. They arranged to meet Sora at the end of her street, so the headlights pulling into her driveway didn't wake up her mother or any of the neighbours. Sora was having too much fun to run the risk of getting caught.
She hopped into the back seat, which held Summer and Jan, and greeted everyone with a friendly hello. Owen, Alex, Summer and Jan greeted her back.
"Where are the others?" Sora asked.
"Mark and Josh are meeting us there, but Chris bailed for tonight," Alex informed her from the front passenger seat.
"Why?" Sora asked curiously. Though she was knew to their lifestyle, she couldn't really figure out why anyone would want to miss even a moment of the fun.
"Who knows, who cares," Summer muttered.
"All it means is more shit for us," Owen called from the driver's seat.
Sora smiled faintly and looked out the window. They were going to a club across town, one that opened up a few nights ago. Just as Sora looked out the window, Owen turned down Tai's street.
She bit down hard on her lip and tried to look away. She wanted desperately to just turn her attention back to her friends, but she couldn't. It was like her head—and eyes—were glued to the right side of the street until Tai's house came into view. It did after a moment, and Sora only caught a glimpse before she managed to look away.
But she saw enough to collectively ruin the rest of her night, or at least the car ride over.
The garden was unkempt and dead. The blinds were shut, which was appropriate for nighttime, but Sora had a feeling that they didn't open during the day either. There was no car in the driveway, and Sora assumed they were still at the hospital with Tai. Her heart broke for Kari and her parents.
It seems so empty, was all she could think.
Sighing heavily, she turned back to the conversation of the car and tried to put Tai behind her. It didn't work just yet; she needed the numbness before it would. But that's okay, because she would have it soon.
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Mimi and I were hanging out at my house on Wednesday, the following afternoon. Last night, our families had this big, kind of "welcome to the family" dinner. It was so weird and tacky and uncool. I mean, they've already met, like, a thousand times, and they acted all creepy like it was their first encounter or something. Whatever. Let them do their little role-playing, if it keeps them happy.
The important thing was that both sets of parents gave us their blessing. I wasn't expecting anything less, though. True to tradition, I went to Mimi's dad first and asked him for his permission. He gave it over pretty easily, much to my surprise. He had only one condition: we finish school before we move away and start a family. I obliged, knowing that both Mimi and I weren't in a rush to start a family just yet anyway. He was happy for us, but I was still a little shocked that Mr. Tachikawa was willing to give away his little princess without a fight. In his eyes she's his darling daughter: young, naïve, and totally innocent. Innocent! Yeah, right. I can't even count how many times we've—um, yeah…hey, the phones ringing.
"Hello?" I said, answering the phone.
"Hi, Matt. It's Sora." I didn't say anything right away, mostly because I was shocked. I hadn't spoken to Sora in quite a number of days, and from what I could tell, neither had Mimi.
"Oh," I said finally. "Hey, how are you?"
"I'm all right," she said uncomfortably. She was talking really fast, like her cell battery was about to cut out any second and she needed to get everything out before then. I stayed quiet, waiting for her to continue. After a moment or two, she did. "Listen, is Mimi there? Nobody answered on her private line so I assumed she was with you…" she trailed off.
"Yeah, she's right here. Hold on, I'll get her." I saw Mimi's head jerk to my direction, wondering who was calling. I put my hand over the receiver and said, "It's Sora."
Mimi remained stone-faced, as if contemplating whether she wanted to talk to her or not. She got that look on her face that only appears when Mimi decides she's going to be particularly stubborn and difficult, and shook her head.
"No, tell her I'm busy but maybe I'll call her later," she said with a bitchy tone of voice.
"Come on, cut her some slack…she's going through a really rough time right now. She's still you're best friend, Mimi, no matter what you say. At least talk to her," I said. "For me?"
It felt weird to talk to Mimi like this. I was never the one she—or anyone else—would go to with their problems. Believe it or not, whenever there was a fight or hurt feeling in the group, we would go to Tai. You wouldn't think it, but he was the one who knew how to handle this kind of stuff. I was just winging it, hoping to make it out of this impending catfight alive.
She nodded and took the phone from my hand, but her expression remained the same.
"Hello?" she said stiffly.
Part of me didn't want to watch the drama that was about to unfold, but the other part of me couldn't help but listen intently. I figured this was going to end in tears.
"No, I understand. You've been busy," Mimi said dryly. I detected a hint of sarcasm in her voice. I'm pretty sure that Sora did, too.
It was like a really bad car accident. The kind where you really don't want to look, and yet you can't seem to look away.
"Well I'm sorry but that's just too bad. We haven't heard from you in quite a while. We've all been really worried about you, but do you care? No!"
I felt bad for Sora, knowing firsthand that the wrath of Mimi was not to be taken lightly. But part of me couldn't help but be turned on by Mimi, laying down the law.
"Well, maybe you should call Kari for some help because I'm really busy over here with my fiancé," she said, exaggerating the fiancé part.
It didn't take a genius to figure out the root of this problem. Sora not only seemed to be distancing herself from us lately, but she didn't even call Mimi about the engagement. That must have struck a chord, and I could no longer blame Mimi for acting slightly hostile toward her best friend. Guys might not care about that kind of stuff, but girls sure did. They wrote in down in their diaries with a vow to turn all their friends against each other. They stored it away, deep inside their memory banks, waiting for the day they could throw it back in the other girl's face.
She hung up the phone without saying goodbye, and huffed angrily.
"I don't know what is going on with that girl, but she better get her shit together soon or I don't know what I'm going to do with her!" Mimi shrieked.
So I was wrong when I said it would end in tears.
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I don't know how long I've been here, but I know it's been a while. The void seems to get darker and colder every second. I want to leave this place so badly, but I can't find the way out.
I can't feel Sora anymore. I have no idea where she is, and that scares me. But that's not the scariest thing that's been happening in the void lately.
Remember that picture of Sora I told you about?
Lately, it's been getting darker. Not turning black, or anything, but the glow is wearing off. It's not as bright and vibrant as it used to be. I have no idea why, either.
I don't know if it has anything to do with Sora, or if it's all in my head. Maybe I'm just imagining it, and it isn't getting darker at all. Yeah, that's probably it. Right?
But what if it isn't just me? Does that mean that Sora is in trouble? Does it mean that she needs me, and I have to wake up and help her? I can't help her, though, because I can't wake up. Trust me, I've tried. I've spent most of my time in this place trying.
I really think I'm going a little crazy here. My thoughts are scrambled and they don't really make any sense anymore.
And I don't sleep.
At least, I don't think I do.
I'm feeling more tired than when I first got here. I feel like all I want to do is sleep forever. But I try my best to resist, because I'm scared that if I do go to sleep, I might not wake up again.
But the urge is growing, and it's starting to overpower me.
I just hope that Sora will be okay, if I do wind up letting go…
……………………………………………………………
"Come on, come on. Pick up!" I mumbled as the phone rang. I know, I was being impatient, but this was a totally important, life-altering situation and I needed Mimi!
On its third ring, Matt finally answered.
"Hello?"
"Hi, Matt. It's Sora." I hoped Mimi hadn't brought him up to speed on our current relationship—or lack thereof—and just passed the phone over willingly, no questions asked. It wasn't that easy. He stayed quiet for a minute, and smoke was practically coming out my ears. This was urgent, Matt, get on it!
"Oh," he said dumbly. Sure, I love Matt like a brother and I have nothing against him, but I vowed that if he didn't pass the phone over to Mimi by the time I counted to ten, I was going to cut off his favourite area. "Hey, how are you?"
How am I? How am I? Is he joking?
'I'm terrible, Matt! I'm literally having a meltdown and I need to talk to your precious fiancée, so pass the phone over or lose any chance of ever reproducing!' I mentally screamed at him.
"I'm all right," I said impatiently, trying hard to keep my anger in check. I realized that I hadn't actually asked him yet if I could talk to Mimi. I felt slightly stupid, but then anger, fear and uncertainty smothered all traces of stupidity. "Listen, is Mimi there? Nobody answered on her private line so I assumed she was with you…" I stopped, not really sure what to say.
'Either she's there or she isn't! Anytime you want to answer, I'd appreciate it,' I said to myself.
"Yeah, she's right here. Hold on, I'll get her."
I sat there, pacing back and forth in my bedroom for what seemed like an eon. By the time Mimi came on, I had literally almost worn a whole in my carpet.
Okay, so not literally. I exaggerate. So sue me.
"Hello?" Mimi's voice filled my ears.
"Hey, Meems. Sorry I haven't returned your calls lately," I said with pseudo-enthusiasm.
"No, I understand. You've been busy," she said, sarcasm dripping from her voice.
Fine, so it's going to be like that, is it? I was about to get all snippy and smart-mouthed when I remembered why I called. I needed Mimi, and pissing her off wouldn't make the process any easier. Swallowing my pride, I totally folded and played right into her hand. That's right: I, Sora Takenouchi, accepted defeat.
"I'm really sorry. I've been going through a really hard time. You can understand that, can't you? I've been really confused about stuff, but I'm ready to talk now," I offered. Okay, so I was totally going for pity and sympathy, but I was desperate and willing to get her on my side any way that I could.
"Well I'm sorry but that's just too bad. We haven't heard from you in quite a while. We've all been really worried about you, but do you care? No!" Mimi screeched at me.
I sighed, and decided I would give it one more try. My experience as Mimi's best friend had definitely given me the advantage in a situation like this. I knew how to work her over so she couldn't help but oblige to my request.
"Meems, you're totally right. I'm so, so, so sorry. Please, can't you just forgive me and come over? I really need help, you have no idea how badly I need you right now," I said pathetically.
I waited for her response. I waited for her to give in, tell me she'd be right over, just like she always did. Just like I always did when she was the one asking.
I used to think we were oh-so slick about the way we worked each other over, but maybe we were just professionals at the Sora-Mimi relationship by now. We did, after all, write the book on it.
"Well, maybe you should call Kari for some help because I'm really busy over here with my fiancé."
I just sat there, stunned. I heard her slam her phone down, but I didn't notice. I stood there, in the centre of my bedroom, clutching the phone for God-only-knows how long.
I don't really know why I was so surprised.
I had given her the way in, the way to come out on top of our little argument. She would play her part as the heroine, and I would be the poor, defenseless villager whose problems she needed to slay like a rogue dragon.
Yes, Superhero Mimi was being called to uphold justice. But apparently, she didn't respond to her Superhero cell phone. Or maybe she was just currently detained, out slaying someone else's dragon. Either way, she left me high, dry, and with nowhere else to turn. Kari was just a kid; I refused to involve her in this.
Mimi never was one for taking the highroad. Now that I think about it, she's really not a gracious winner, either. She's a sore loser, and can make extracting vengeance feel similar to a very tedious, very tricky root canal.
Actually, I was starting to notice a ton of things wrong with Princess Tachikawa. She was way too self-involved. I could tell by her final comment before she hung up on me (note to self: add drama queen to the list, too) that our little tiff was all because of her precious engagement.
Well, sorry that I was taking time out of Mimi's life to try to sort out my own messed up shit.
God, how could I ever be friends with a girl like her? She's annoying, over-bearing and way too possessive. She demands constant vigilance and has to be the centre of everyone's world. I suddenly gained a new respect for Matt.
Okay, so I'm being much too critical.
I loved Mimi, but that didn't change anything. I was far too angry with her to care about my long-term feelings. Only short-term, darker, edgier, angrier feelings were allowed to be in control right now.
I would never forgive her for this.
Or, at least, I wouldn't forgive her for a few days. I could never stay mad at her, and even in a situation of this severity, that could never change.
What was I going to do now? I couldn't do this by myself.
Oh, right. You're probably wondering what the hell I'm freaking out about. Okay, I'll start from the beginning…
……………………………………………………………
It all started when I was hanging out in Jan's basement with the gang—FYI: the gang is now Summer, Jan, Owen, Chris, Josh, Alex, Mark and I.
The other "gang" that I'm technically a part of is way too all over the place. We're in shambles, and right now I need security, not ruins. That's the type of girl I am: reject you before you can reject me. It's a wonder that I ever made friends in the first place, really.
Anyways, we were hanging out in her basement doing…what we do when we have a 'get together' when Alex started talking about how we should take a trip.
No, he didn't mean that kind of trip. Half of us were already on that kind of trip and the other half were well on our way there. I was the latter of the two. Being that Alex was in the first category, I didn't think too much into his plans. He wouldn't remember even bringing it up in a few hours anyway.
"My cousin has a beach house and he's, like, not using it during summer vacation. We should totally go up there for a few weeks," he said.
There was a round of 'awesome' and 'totally' and 'dude, yeah!' My friends are starting to remind me of those surfers I came across during my two-week stint in California with my dad. I nodded in agreement, wishing he would just stop talking about it.
It made me think about Tai, and his plans for our summer. The plans that I had lost all hope in. The hotel-and-beach, fun-in-the-sun, uncensored, unsupervised trip that we were supposed to take this August.
But it all seemed so far away now. Kind of the way graduation feels when you first start high school. Graduation is four years away and you're positive that four years will last practically forever. But gradually, it sneaks up on you, having gone completely unnoticed, until you're smothered by it. August, I knew, would sneak up on me. The trip, I was sure, was postponed indefinitely. Regardless.
"Cool. Sora, you can be my roommate," Josh said, winking. Summer rolled her eyes.
"As if, Josh. She's mine," she said. I smiled inward, secretly pleased that I was becoming so popular. Summer and I had gotten really close, and Josh…let's just say he's taken a shine to me, too.
"So, like, when should we go?" Jan asked, interrupting the mini-squabble over my affections.
"Um, I dunno. Whenever, you guys can pick," Alex shrugged. I began thinking that maybe they were actually being serious about these summer plans. After all, they did seem like the type to do crazy things out of pure spontaneity.
I wouldn't go—for many reasons—but I wasn't about to tell them that. My mom would never, not in a million years, let me go away with people she's never met before. Plus, she'd want to know why Mimi and the others weren't going. And my other friends would wind up finding out about it, and I couldn't have that. I was balancing two lives at the moment, sort of like a secret agent. I wasn't ready for my two, independent lives to cross over into one, simultaneous life just yet.
"Well, today is the 8th, so how about next week?" Summer suggested.
At first, I thought nothing of that statement. At first, I didn't realize how important it was. But when I realized what Summer had said, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I sat up from the couch quickly, giving myself a head rush. Summer looked at me.
"What's wrong?" Summer asked.
"Sum, you're wrong. Today is so not the 8th," I told her. It wasn't a question or a challenge. It was a fact. It couldn't be the eighth. There was no way. Even God didn't hate me that much, right?
She nodded furiously, as if she had never been so sure about anything else in her whole life.
Owen and Chris went hunting for a calendar, but I paid no attention. Everyone looked at me like I was crazy, telling me that it really was the eighth.
I stood up and ran out the door, my heart beating faster than ever before.
"What's up with Takenouchi?" Mark asked as I left.
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'Thank God.'
That is one sentence I shall never say again.
'Oh my God.'
That's another.
God is a word that will never again escape my lips.
A little while ago, I reached the decision that God didn't exist. He just couldn't. He is just a figment of our imagination, that some choose to believe in. Correction—the stupid ones choose to believe in.
God is not real; I know that for a fact.
Facts, now those were real. There is no denying that a fact—whether mathematical, scientific, or otherwise—is true. There is, however, no certainty that God exists now, or that he ever did.
Some people, after hearing about the accident, had taken it upon themselves to justify the occurrences. I guess they thought that somehow, someway, they were helping me deal by offering stupid, useless advice.
"Everything happens for a reason," and "it's all in God's master plan for us," have been among the most popular ones.
But I fight it, and I don't allow myself to believe their words. I challenge it in every way possible.
I wonder why "God", who supposedly sacrificed his own son to show his undying love for us, would let something like this happen. If he loves us so much, and values every life as equal and important, then why would he take so many? How could he take so many?
It wasn't the first time he's done it, and it probably won't be the last.
If you love something, you set it free. You don't put a bullet in it. But that's what "God" has done to us.
But "He" hasn't, because "He" isn't real.
I have been wondering for a while why people choose to believe in God, though we have no proof. After thinking about it for a few days, I come to a conclusion.
People choose to believe in God so they have something to follow. They choose to believe so they have something to believe in. The only reason they believe in God is so life has a purpose, and we don't just have live life to die. But maybe we do.
Maybe, if there is actually someone up there, they want us to suffer. And when we die, we won't be rewarded with heaven. Maybe we'll just be reincarnated, and have to do it all over again. If there is a greater force out there, I've decided, they are a cold, cruel one. They want us to suffer through life until we escape through death.
And there's nothing you can do about it.
I looked it up on the Internet and found many sites raising the rather fascinating question of whether or not God is real.
In particular, one argument I especially enjoyed was creation. Everything must be created. It is a known scientific fact that can have no disputing. And yet, God has no creator. If someone—or something—were to create God, wouldn't it be God's God? Therefore, wouldn't He be considered our God as well?
The answer would be yes, and that would only prove that there was in fact a God. But, there isn't, and this is why: The same question about creation can be raised for that God, and His God, and the God before that. The question goes on infinitely, to which there is no answer.
Because there is no God, that's the true answer.
There are no miracles, only those that we choose to interpret as miracles. Just like prayers cannot contribute to making our lives better, or changing the world in any way.
If God knows everything, then why would you pray? He already knows what you want to ask Him. And yet we still pray.
God doesn't listen to our prayers. If He did, they would come true and we wouldn't have a reason to pray for them in the first place. If God listened to our prayers, and actually did something to make them come true, we would live in the best possible world.
But we don't live in the best possible world, do we?
No, it's quite the contrary. We live in a world where freaks come to school with guns and blow away their classmates, then themselves. We live in a world where people we love are constantly getting sick and injured. We live in a world where all kinds of things are imperfect.
I bet I know what you're thinking.
You're thinking 'this kid actually looked it up? Doesn't he have a life, or something?'
Well no, I don't have a life. Not anymore.
Not since this happened, and Tai got hurt.
Now, our group is completely torn apart.
T.K. and Kari are always up to something, but we never know what it is. I haven't talked to Sora in a rather long time, even though I still call her every so often. Joe has been volunteering his time at the hospital more than usual lately, and Matt and Mimi are together a lot more now that they're engaged.
So that leaves me, Izzy. I'm alone now.
I want us to all go out together to celebrate for Matt and Mimi, but so far it hasn't happened.
Truthfully, I don't think it ever will. I'm afraid that if Tai doesn't wake up soon, we might never go back to the way we were. We might not go back to being ourselves ever again.
And that's a scary thought, because I liked the way we were.
So I hope you're listening God, because this is your fault. If you even exist at all.
But even that looks doubtful, doesn't it?
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"No. No, no, no, no, no!" I screamed as I ran into my house. My mother left for a business trip in the morning and would be gone until tomorrow night, so I could be as loud as I wanted to be.
My hands shook as I shut the door and I collapsed to the floor, practically convulsing.
God can't possibly hate me this much, I thought. Maybe I should explain.
It couldn't be the eighth because if it was, that meant that…
That meant that I was late.
And I couldn't be late. I just couldn't. This would ruin my life. And with Tai in a coma—things couldn't get any worse. What would my mother think?
I stood up and staggered over to the counter. I grabbed the car keys and drove to the drugstore. I bought two pregnancy tests. I have no clue what brand, because I was way too preoccupied to even clue into the fact that I was really at the drugstore doing that. It seemed surreal; like a dream—scratch that, it was a nightmare.
I got home and called Mimi, and we all know how well that went over. But I couldn't be blamed for needing my best friend, could I? She rejected me, leaving me to do the test by myself.
I walked into the bathroom and opened the first kit. I sat down on the toilet and…nothing happened.
I couldn't go!
I ran to the kitchen and guzzled two glasses of water. By now, my hand was shaking so bad that half the water threatened to spill down my front, missing my mouth entirely.
I filled the glass halfway again, drank it quickly, and retreated back to the bathroom. It took a minute or two, but I managed to go nonetheless.
I put the stick down on the counter and waited. I almost went crazy, waiting like that. I mean, my entire future was depending on whether some stick turned blue or pink.
I shut my eyes, bit my lip, and prayed for pink. I wasn't ready for blue, nowhere near ready.
I tried to take my mind off of it by watching some TV. That didn't help, especially when I changed the channel and the episode of 'Friends' where Rachel discovers she's pregnant was on. It was a terrible cliché, I know. But hey, I don't control what the TV shows me. I only control whether or not I choose to watch it. Therefore, I chose to turn it off.
I went to the fridge and got a granola bar. Nothing about a granola bar could make you think about pregnancy, right? Wrong. My wonderful mind reminded me of the fact that I might be eating for two. I suddenly felt really queasy, and dry-heaved into the sink.
That was when I really started to panic—even more than before, I mean. Why was I queasy? Was it because of the pressure and the situation, or was it because I was pregnant?
Maybe I was late because I was under some major stress. That can happen, right? Yeah, that was it. I've heard of that before. You get really stressed, and your cycle can go all out of whack. No reason to worry, everything will be okay. I tell myself that I'm not pregnant. I had imagined this day, finding out Tai and I were going to have a baby, so many times before. But never like this. It was always far off in the distant, distant future.
So it won't happen yet, I told myself. I'm not pregnant. Everything will be fine.
Why didn't I believe it?
After ten, excruciatingly long minutes, the test was ready. I walked into the bathroom with my eyes shut, thinking that maybe if I tortured myself for a few seconds longer, God would feel sorry for me and make the stick turn pink, not blue. He could swing that, right?
Saying one last silent prayer, I opened my eyes and looked at the stick.
My breath caught in my throat and I started crying. I didn't think I would ever stop crying—or start breathing—again.
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Firstly: with the whole Izzy thing, I'm not trying to make you believe in God or not believe in God. I'm just writing about how Izzy feels right now. Although I don't really think I believe in Him, I'm not trying to get you to change your opinions.
Secondly: I haven't figured out whether or not Jacob's killer will have to do with the story, or if he'll just be anonymous. What do you all think I should do?
Thirdly: I want a lot reviews since this was way long (22 pages on Microsoft Word!) The more I get, the sooner I update. Special shoutout to the person who gives me my 100th review. I will seriously love you forever : )