Disclaimer: I don't own digimon, or the characters. Blah, blah, blah.

Chapter Fourteen: Life is Overrated: Sora's Story
……………………………………………………………

Blue.

The stick is blue.

And blue means…

Pregnant.

So if the stick is blue and a blue stick means pregnant...

That means that I'm…

Pregnant.

I drop the test in utter shock and hear it make a clanking noise as it makes contact with the tiled floor of my bathroom. My vision is blurry, on account of all the tears that are suddenly spilling down my cheeks.

Blue. Blue, blue, blue, blue, blue. The word repeats over and over in my mind, still not seeming real. But it was real. It was blue.

I blink away my tears and glance down at the test, looking for confirmation.

That's a strange shade of blue, I say to myself. It almost looks…

Pink.

"Pink," I whisper aloud.

"Pink," I say again, slightly louder, more confident this time. A small, insecure smile creeps its way across my face.

"Pink!" I scream one final time, thankful nobody is around to hear me.

I reach down, wrap my fingers around the stick, and bring it to my face for some closer examination.

I'm still not totally sure. Had I been mistaken when I declared it blue? Or was my mind playing a cruel joke on me, and making me see pink when it wasn't?

Still holding the stick of undetermined colour, I go down the stairs into the kitchen, which has better lighting. I turn on all the lights I can possible reach, and stare at the stick.

Pink.

Yes, this stick is definitely pink. No doubt about it.

I stare a few seconds longer, trying to let it sink it. It does. I want to celebrate; I want to run outside and scream at the top of my lungs "The stick is pink!"

So I do.

Then, I am reminded of the other test, the unopened one still sitting on my bathroom counter.

I bought two for a reason: to make sure I was definitely pregnant or not pregnant.

When I was unsure, thinking I could be pregnant, I felt that I needed that second test. Now, it's just a killjoy, a silly little stick that was threatening not only my happiness, but my sanity as well.

Nonetheless, I retreat back inside my house and head up to the bathroom. I open the second test, feeling shaky but confident.

Just like the first time, I have trouble going. Heading back to the kitchen, I guzzle down umpteen glasses of water. I wait a few minutes and drink a few more glasses, then return to the bathroom. It still takes a little while more, but I am able to go again. Now, all I can do is wait.

It almost feels like playing best two-out-of-three during a game of rock, paper, scissor.

You've somehow managed to win the first game. Perhaps you bet 'paper' and you're unwitting friend bet 'rock.' At any cost, you've won.

The score stands at 1-0.

The second game, as you're well aware, is for all the marbles. If you win this, it's all over. You'll be declared the champion, and your friend is added to your growing list of victims.

But if you lose, the score will be tied at 1-1, and then it's anyone's game.

You know that you have to go for it, have to get it over with.

You and your pal chant 'rock, paper, scissor' and draw. You're biting your lip and your hand is shaking, but nobody, not even you, seem to notice. You are too focused on what you both drew. You look down at your hand: you've drawn scissors. Now all you have to do is look at your opponent's hand to discover the truth.

If only it were really that easy.

Losing a game of 'rock paper scissor' doesn't entail much. Sure, your friend will get bragging rights, but that will get old after a few days.

When your pregnancy test turns blue, that's a bit different. There's a ton of responsibility, and your life is never the same. How do you tell your parents? How do you manage, especially with the father is in a coma? What if the Kamiya's say I'm a tramp, and accuse me of sleeping around? Oh God, what if they think that? I would never do that! I'm faithful to Tai, even if he's in a coma.

I mentally slap myself, reminding myself that I don't want to be thinking about 'what if' right now. I wipe it from my mind as best I can, and head downstairs.

This time, the ten minutes will go by slightly faster. I turn on the TV and see that the 'Friends' episode is over. Thank God.

I unconsciously tap my fingers against the couch, making an irritating drumming sound. I look around, trying to figure out where the annoying noise is coming from. I realize it's me, and roll my eyes at my own stupidity.

I'm going totally nuts, I think to myself.

I go back to the fridge and get some yogurt. I eat half of it, and then my stomach turns and I have to throw it out. Is it possible that I'm pregnant? It could happen. The first test could have been a false positive. As my worry increases (I didn't even think it was possible) I vow that if that's the case, I will sue the makers of the test.

Somehow, I make it through the ten minutes and the second test is now finished. At first, I take the stairs quickly, almost bursting with anticipation.

At about halfway, I realize I don't want to know. Well, that's a lie. Of course I want to know, but not right now. I want to savor these precious seconds, the second before I find out and things may never be the same ever again.

I take the rest of the stairs slowly, almost as slow as I had done my first day back from the hospital.

But eventually, no matter how slow I walk, I make it to the bathroom. I walk in and pick up the stick. My eyes are now shut, just like they had been before. I inhale deeply before looking at it, playing a bit of the same mind game I played the last time.

I guess I'm about to see what my opponent picked.

Was it rock, paper, or scissor?

I throw my eyes open.

Paper.

My unsuspecting friend had picked paper.

And we all know that scissors beat paper.

My scissors beat the paper.

The score is 2-0, and I emerge victorious.

I let out a long, relieved sigh as I set the pink stick down on the counter and splash some cold water on my face.

……………………………………………………………

I just don't understand how I got myself into this mess. I mean, obviously I know what has to happen to get pregnant, that's not what I mean. I mean the mess that I call my life.

My life is so different from the one I led a year ago. All of our lives are, and I hate that.

But even though it sucks, I think I can live with it. I will be able to live with the fact that we're slowly drifting apart, because logically, I realize that it will have to happen sooner or later.

It's losing my best friend that I find it hard to accept. But I know it will happen.

It did happen.

Yes, I can tell that Mimi and I are no longer best friends. Judging by our conversation earlier, things aren't the same as they used to be. They probably never would go back to the way they were, either.

But I guess I'm okay with that. I will be, anyway.

I don't need Mimi anymore, I have Summer. She can be my best friend now. In many ways, she already is.

I'm now standing in my bathroom, having finally finished removing all traces of the pregnancy tests. I study my reflection in the mirror. I don't look like me, I think to myself. And then I realize something that doesn't bother me as much as I expected it to.

I'm not me. Not really. Not anymore.

I am older, wiser, and yes, sadder. I'm broken. I am broken beyond repair. Even though I know it's completely insane, I smile at my realization.

I smile because it's what I need right now. I need to be broken.

I'm glad that I'm all over the place. Because if this is what it feels like to be whole, then I don't want to be whole ever again.

I need to be in pieces. Probably because part of me is waiting for Tai to awaken and put me back together again. He'll be my night in shining armor, he has to be. He'll wake up, and when he does, I'll be all better again. Yes, that will happen. It has to.

My cell phone is ringing; I can hear it from the bathroom. I walk into my room and pick it up from my dresser.

"Hello?" I say.

"Hey, you okay?" Summer asks me.

"Yeah, just perfect," I lie.

"You sure? Everyone was freaked with the way you just ran out on us."

I am reminded of the way I left things and chuckle to myself. There's not really anything funny about it, but I laugh anyway. It feels good to laugh. It's the first genuine laugh to escape my lips in a while.

"Yeah, I was just…" I stop, having no clue how to explain it. "I'm fine," I confirm, knowing that that was all she really needed to hear.

"Okay, great."

I stifle a yawn as she continues.

"Get your ass dressed," she orders. "I'm coming to pick you up in a bit, and we're going out. 'Kay?"

"Uh-huh," I tell her absentmindedly, plopping down on my bed.

"Alright, I'm still at Jan's and I gotta swing by home and get changed, so I'll be there in about a half hour. See you then, bitch. Love ya," she says before she hangs up.

I hang up my phone and climb off my bed to get dressed and re-apply my smeared makeup.

……………………………………………………………

Summer and I are walking by some fancy shopping centre downtown, on our way to a club, where we're meeting the others. We parked her car in a parking lot about a block away, because there are no other parking zones from there to the club.

So there we are, walking down the street, laughing our heads off about something stupid. Summer pulls out her cigarette pack and a lighter. She lights one, puts it in her mouth, and looks at me.

"Do you smoke?" she asks, cigarette still between her lips. I shake my head.

"No," I say.

"That's cool," she says with a shrug. When I give it a second thought, though, I realize I'm actually kind of curious.

"But you gotta start sometime, right?" I say.

"That's my motto," she says laughingly. I take one and light it.

I put it to my lips and puff. I cough and wheeze loudly, slightly embarrassed at how childish and inexperienced I must seem to her. Summer laughs again.

"I was like that at the start, too. But you get used to it. It's a pretty great habit, really," she says thoughtfully as she takes another puff.

Then, I see the scariest thing ever.

A tall, skinny, very pretty girl emerges from a store a couple feet away. This is not just any girl. She has long, pink hair, and answers to the name Mimi Tachikawa.

My breath catches in my throat when I realize that, any moment now, she's going to see Summer and I together.

A thought flashes through my mind: I can avoid this. I quickly formulate a plan to get Summer to cross the street, so we avoid running into Mimi. Surely she doesn't want to run into Mimi any more than I do.

Then, I realize something else. Summer would love nothing more than to run into Mimi right now. She totally adore the idea of seeing Mimi, and showing her that I've been blowing her off to hang out with my new friends.

I breathe a sigh of relief as Mimi wanders into another store. She doesn't see us, thank God.

"Omigosh! That is the cutest skirt ever!" Summer cries. I turn and find her peering through a window and into the very store Mimi just ventured into. "Sor, you've got to check out this skirt!"

I walk over to the window. I figure if I humor her that maybe she'll move along faster.

"Yeah," I say. "That skirt's totally hot."

"It would look so amazing on you. You've got the perfect legs for it," she gushes.

"You think?" Her compliment temporarily derails my plans to get her away from the window.

"Yeah, go try it on," she insists.

"No, that's okay. We gotta meet the rest of them," I remind her.

"Fine, but on our way back we're going in," she finalizes. I nod, just glad that we are leaving.

We turn away from the window and come face to face with Mimi. She is standing just outside the door, glaring at me.

"Sora?" she says. It isn't really a question, more like an accusation.

"Hey," I say sheepishly. I hope that she doesn't notice I'm with Summer, but of course she does. She isn't an idiot.

She looks from me to her, and back to me. I want to look away, but I maintain eye contact. Her gaze shifts down to my hand. I wonder what she could be staring at now, so I follow her gaze. I look down to find that I'm still holding one of Summer's cigarettes between my index and middle finger.

Shit.

"Tachikawa," Summer says with an eye roll and a puff of her cigarette. She exhales, blowing the smoke right in Mimi's face.

Mimi's eyes go wide with shock, and she turns back to me. Her eyes are interrogating me, asking me what the hell I'm doing.

In all honesty, I don't know. I don't know what I'm doing anymore. It's like I'm on a rollercoaster, and with every turn the drop gets faster and steeper. I just want to get off, and forget that I ever went to the amusement park altogether. It's probably too late, anyway.

But she can't know that.

I'm not ready to admit that I can't handle this. If I admit that, it will make everyone right. Mrs. Kamiya, Dr. Chang, Mimi, my mother. Everyone who said I wouldn't be able to deal on my own, and needed help.

So I take a deep breath, and return her cold stare.

"Mimi," I say nonchalantly. She opens her mouth to say something, but Summer cuts her off.

"Look, Tachikawa, as absolutely wonderful as it would be to stay and catch up, we gotta go. Our friends are waiting for us," Summer says smartly, accenting the 'our friends' part.

She grabs my hand and starts walking. I brush past Mimi and glace over my shoulder at her. I try to get a read on her, try to figure out if she officially hates me or not.

Her eyes don't show hate, but they sure don't show love and happiness.

When I look at them, all I see is disappointment. Mimi is disappointed in me.

I bit my lip hard and turn my head. Summer and I hurry off to meet our friends, leaving a shocked Mimi in our dust.

……………………………………………………………

"Hey, Takenouchi, slow down a little," Mark warns as I down another shot.

I roll my eyes and tell him that I can handle it. He gives me a quizzical look, but backs off. He knows by now not to mess with me when I'm drunk, angry, or stoned. And right now, I'm a bit of all three.

I reach out and grab Mark's shot, downing it as quickly as I had done my own. He glances up at me and I smile smugly. He looks away, continuing his conversation with Owen. He's used to me being an obnoxious bitch by now, too. That's okay, he loves me anyway. They all do.

I blink. My eyes sting, like they've been open far too long. Something isn't right, I can tell.

Is it just me, or is it hard to breathe in here?

And when did it get so crowded? I feel like I have no room to move, and everyone is suffocating me.

I take a deep breath and look around. Everyone else remains unfazed. Maybe it is just me.

I blink again, and that's when it happens. I open my eyes and the room is spinning. The walls are whizzing by me, and the whole room is swaying out of control.

Or maybe only I am.

I stand up quickly. I'm not sure why. Maybe I'm trying to find the way out of this madness.

I look at my friends' faces, and they're blurred. I can't recognize anyone around me. Where am I, anyway? I feel like the wind has been knocked out of me. My legs seem to give out from underneath me, and my butt makes contact with something hard, probably the floor. Someone approaches me and grabs my hand, trying to bring me to my feet.

"Sora? Sora…" I hear someone say. I shake my head and pull my hand out of their grasp. Then everything stops spinning, and I can see clearly again. "Hey, you okay? Sora?"

I look up at the person calling my name.

It's Tai.

Tai…how did he get here? I decide it doesn't matter, and reach for his hand again. He smiles at me, and attempts to pull me to my feet. I boycott his efforts and pull him closer, kissing him.

It seems like forever since we were last together. He tastes the same, I think to myself.

But even this doesn't seem right. He seems kind of hesitant. For a split second, I wonder whether or not this is really happening. I decide that it is; it has to be.

We break apart and I look around. My friends are staring at me like I'm crazy. I wonder why, and then conclude that most of them have never met Tai, and the ones who have probably don't recognize him. It must look pretty bad, me sitting on the floor making out with a random. But he wasn't some random guy. He was Tai. To hell with what they all think. I don't need them anymore. I have Tai back!

But nonetheless, they keep staring at us. I feel uncomfortable, but don't tell them to quit staring and mind their own business. Frankly, I don't want to talk at all. I'm scared that this is a dream, and even the slightest movement will disturb it and I'll awaken. I just want to sit here forever, holding onto Tai.

I refuse to give this a chance to not be real. I will not ruin this, just incase it only lasts a few moments longer.

But I don't want to be here. I don't want to sit on this cold, hard floor with an audience.

"Want to get out of here?" I ask Tai. He looks kind of surprised, but nods.

"Um, yeah. Let's go," he replies.

He helps me up and I grab my purse from my chair. Summer is looking at me, and I can tell she's trying not to laugh. I wonder what the hell is so funny, but I don't bother to ask. I walk shakily to the door and we leave. I'm still holding his hand. I don't want to let it go, incase it isn't there when I reach for it again.

The next thing I know, I'm being pressed into a wall and Tai's kissing me. But it's different than it used to be. With Tai, our kisses were always so intense yet comfortable. They were gentle, but full of passion.

These kisses are not. They're forceful and anything but smooth and gentle. They are lustful, too intense. I definitely feel like something isn't right, but I can't put my finger on it.

"Sora," Tai groans.

But it doesn't sound like Tai.

Now that I think about it, he doesn't smell like Tai. He doesn't feel like Tai, or even remotely resemble Tai at all. But it is Tai. It had to be, right?

My eyes fly open and I pull away to the best of my ability.

It isn't Tai.

It's Josh.

"Josh? Get off me!" I scream, and realize that I'm slurring a bit. He stares at me, clearly getting mixed signals.

"What the hell is going on with you?" he asks angrily.

"I have a boyfriend, and you're sticking your tongue down my throat!"

"Well, you didn't seem to care that you had a boyfriend a minute ago," he says intolerantly.

"Hello," I say slowly, "Incase you can't tell, I'm slightly out of it," I yell.

I was out of it when we kissed. I was temporarily insane, I must have been. When I looked at Josh, I saw Tai. I really, truly did. But when I pulled away and saw him, I snapped out of it. I don't even feel drunk or spaced out right now. All I feel is violated and angry. I'm angry with Josh and the others, for not stopping me. They know that I'm drunk. How far were they willing to let this go? What would have happened if I didn't snap out of it when I did? I don't even want to think about that.

I'm angry with myself. I feel like I betrayed Tai. He's lying in the hospital, still in his coma, and I haven't been there to visit him in a while. I should be there everyday, and I haven't been there in almost a week.

I let myself down and I let Tai down. I let us all down. I've been neglecting my friends, ignoring their phone calls and messages. I ditched them for Summer and her crowd.

I've only been hanging out with these people for a week, and I've already changed so much. I don't recognize myself, and I can tell from my run-in with Mimi that she feels the same way.

"Come on, Sor. Obviously, thinks aren't working out with you and your boyfriend. I mean, where is he, anyway? We're with you all the time, and not one of us has seen him yet," Josh breaks in.

This is when I get angry. Really, really, dangerously-close-to-kicking-his-ass kind of angry. He has no right to say that about Tai, making him out to be a neglectful boyfriend. I want to hurt him. I want to scream, "he's in a coma, you idiot!"

But I don't, because he already knows that. That's right, he knows. No, I didn't tell him. Alex did. Nobody said anything to me directly, but I could tell. One minute, Jan was asking me when she was going to meet Tai, and the next, nobody dared bring him up. They weren't very inconspicuous about it.

How dare he say that to me, when he knows the situation?

I want to hurt him. Hell, I want to kill him. But, nonetheless, I practice restraint. Well, not really.

I slap him across the face—hard. Then I push him away from me, and slap him again. He glares at me, and I can see a faint handprint making its appearance on his left cheek.

We switch positions, and he's against the wall now. I shove him into it with a force that I didn't know I had.

"You listen to me, and you listen good. I love my boyfriend, and you have no right to say those things to me. You know damn well why he isn't around. And let me tell you something else: If he were around, I wouldn't be here right now. I wouldn't be outside some sleazy-ass bar with a pervert like you. I would have nothing to do with you, because you're lower than the shit on the bottom of my shoes," I growl at him through gritted teeth. He takes a step forward, attempting to hold me still so I can calm down. I slap him hands away and shove him back into the wall.

I back off, and start to walk away.

"You're just like us," he says calmly. "You're exactly the same, and you know it."

I stop, and turn back around to face him.

"No, I'm not. You and your friends are assholes. You're dirty, low-life burnouts that don't deserve to be up and walking around while good people like Tai are in the hospital. You're worthless, good for nothing pieces of shit, and I don't want anything to do with you. I will never be like you!" I scream.

I spin on my heel and keep walking, thankful for the distance that is between us now. But no matter how far away I am, I still hear his final comment.

"Then why are you here with us, instead of with Tachikawa and your other friends?"

……………………………………………………………

Why was I with them, and not with Mimi? Mimi and the others haven't done anything to me, but I'm completely shutting them out.

But I guess it doesn't matter now. Mimi saw me with Summer. Surely she's run off and told the others, and they all hate me now. I have nowhere to go. I guess I can call Summer and tell her that Josh is a total sleaze. Or, I can claim that he took advantage of me, and when I shot him down, he made all that shit up. But wait...Summer was there, see saw everything. She would know that if anything, I took advantage of him. Okay, so that one won't work. But the other option is okay.

Maybe I should just tell the truth. I can say that I was drunk and high and didn't mean any of it.

But that wouldn't be true. Sure, I was drunk and...you know, the other thing, but I knew what I was saying when I was screaming at Josh. I meant what I was saying when I was screaming at Josh.

Oh God, how could I kiss Josh? More importantly, how could I ever think he was Tai? He and Tai are nothing alike. Tai is sweet, caring and gentle. Josh is just a horny asshole in baggy jeans and novelty t-shirts.

But then I remember my first impression of Josh. I remember how much he reminded me of Tai that night. His personality is exactly the same, except he is much more crude and obnoxious.

That bothers me. I don't like how similar Tai and Josh are. I hate what I did with Josh, and I hate it even more now that I see a connection between him and Tai.

What was I trying to do?

I don't want a Tai substitute. I want the real thing or nothing, no compromising.

So what was my ulterior motive when I kissed Josh? Could it be that I'm attracted to him? That I wanted to cheat on Tai?

I decide that it was simply the alcohol and drugs and cigarettes and situation with Mimi and pregnancy scare, all mixed into one. It's not my fault, I tell myself. I didn't do it soberly. I never would have done that without alcohol in my system.

I am not trying to trade in Tai for Josh, nor would I ever want to. I don't want to replace him, or any of the others. But that's what I've done.

When I think about my friends—the good group and the evil group, as I refer to them in my mind—I'm kind of disturbed by how similar they are.

They couldn't be more different, yet at the same time…they're not really that different at all. It's kind of creepy the way both sides are so even. Each person from the 'evil group' reminds me of a person from the 'good group'.

Summer is definitely Mimi. She's bold, outgoing, and completely honest. She's the gossiper of the group; she always knows everything about everyone. And she's totally upfront about everything, too. She has the attitude of 'I don't give a shit what you think about me', but I think that deep down she craves acceptance. As much as either one would hate to admit it, I think that if they could just get past their silly reputations, they might actually get along.

Jan would have to be Kari. Jan is a year younger than the rest, but probably the most mature of the group. Sure, she doesn't make the best choices, but I'm willing to bet that she weighs out the consequences before she does anything. Maybe peer pressure and temptation and curiosity just win over in the end. I feel like a big sister to her, the way I used to feel around Kari.

Without a doubt, Mark would have to be Matt. He's laid back and reserved, kind of giving off an 'I'm-too-good-for-you' vibe. Especially with the way he calls me 'Takenouchi,' like he's too cool to learn my first name. But he does have some good qualities to even everything out. He looks out for his friends and they're really important to him. He tries to protect them, the way he did with me by telling me I should slow down with my drinking. If only I had listened to him.

Alex would be T.K., I guess. He's a nice guy, and he goes out of his way to make people feel accepted and comfortable. Just like he did with me, that night I ran into him in the club and he invited me to hang out with his friends. I haven't really seem him lose his cool over anything, he kind of just shrugs things off and keeps going. But if someone that he cares about has a problem, he'll go to the ends of the earth to correct it. He doesn't have a problem with kicking the shit out of someone, I bet. I really like that about him. He's just so cool, and without even trying.

I would have to say that Owen would be Joe. He's trustworthy and dependable. However, he and Joe have many different qualities. Joe tends to be shy and timid, whereas Owen is outgoing and loud. But the similar characteristics are there, and I totally see a comparison. Owen feels like an older brother to me, just like Joe.

Chris is just like Izzy. He's the smartest of the group, and would probably excel in school if he still went. Unfortunately, he dropped out a few weeks before high school graduation (which is the most pointless thing ever, I think). But even without finishing high school, he's the smartest and most logical. When he speaks, he knows what he's talking about. He could ramble on and on about anything, and you would believe whatever he told you.

That leaves Josh who, unfortunately, is Tai. He's the jock of the group. He plays soccer, along with a bit of football and basketball. He's the kind of guy that you just know did well in school—not with grades, but with girls. He is smart-mouthed and definitely stubborn. He doesn't always think things through, and acts on impulse. With Tai, that can be an asset. With Josh, it's definitely a liability.

But no matter what I think about Josh now, he is a good person. They all are. They're just…different from the people I used to hang out with. And that's why I don't want the good group and evil group to ever cross paths again. The good group will never understand that these people are good underneath it all. They'll just judge them by their exterior, and think I'm one of them now. Maybe I am.

It's uncanny how two different groups of people with two totally different lifestyles can be the exact same, and never know it. I think it would be hilarious to lock them all in a room together, but at the same time, I will never let that happen.

If Tai could see me now...

……………………………………………………………

I look out my bedroom window and see that it's raining.

Rain is kind of like tragedy, I decide.

There can be absolutely beautiful weather outside. People can be outside playing with their children, and kids can be at the beach with their friends. Everyone can be having the time of their lives.

But the rain doesn't care. None of that really matters to the rain.

It just swoops in and ruins everyone's day, forcing all of them indoors.

Tragedy takes perfectly happy people, and destroys them. They put up walls and don't let anyone in. They hide inside themselves to escape feeling, just like kids hide inside their houses or under umbrellas to escape the rain.

That's what happened to me. I was destroyed. Now I'm hiding under my own mess up version of an umbrella. The worst part is that I never saw it coming. Could I have stopped it if I had? And if not, could I have at least saved Tai? Would things be different, if only I listen to the weather report that day?

I stare out the window for a long time. I'm not quite sure the exact amount, but I know it is quite a while because the downpour of rain comes to an abrupt halt. Now, in the sky, I can see a faint rainbow.

A rainbow is a symbol of hope. It's a promise from God that he will never again flood the earth.

But God doesn't promise that he will never inflict pain and suffering upon people again, because He will.

Tragedy is indefinite. Just like you can be sure it will rain again, you can be sure you will feel pain again.

It never stops. The cycle never ends; you just spin round and round, never fully escaping the anguish that you feel.

I used to like the rain. I used to love the rain, actually. But now, it's just a prelude to rainbows. Rainbows used to be beautiful in my eyes. Now, they were just an empty promise. A promise that will be broken just as quickly as it has been made.

I think of that distant summer night, two years ago, when Tai and I were here. I'm reminded of the heat wave, and the storm that followed. I picture myself running outside, desperate to feel even a single drop of rain on my expectant skin. I can still see Tai's face as he screamed for me to come back inside.

It was a sweet, tender memory. I always had a soft spot for memories such as that, memories that included Tai. But now, I don't want to remember. I don't want to forget, either. I'd prefer it if my mind came with an on-off switch, and I could turn it off whenever I wanted. I would just flip it, and all my thoughts would cease. If I had that switch installed, you can be sure I would be flipping it off right now.

But I don't have a switch. And no matter how hard I try, I can't forget. I sit on my bed and the memories flood my brain. I am rendered helpless to stop them. The memory is so detailed, so well kept, that it's almost like I was living through it again.

I can hear the sound of the rain against my roof. I can practically feel the grass under my bare feet as I twirl around my front lawn. Tai is so close that I can almost reach out and touch him. I'm reminded of the Freddy Kruger movie, where the girl grabs Freddy and manages to pull him out of her dream and into the real world with her. I want to do that with Tai. I want to grab his arm and pull him into this world, the world of the living, where he should be. Not in the world of not-quite-living-but-not-quite-dead, where he is now.

This is one of my favourite memories. It was way back when, before Tai and I got involved. Before our relationship had to be defined as something. We were just friends, or were we more than that? Yeah, we were more. The second I walked in the door and saw him standing there watching TV, we were more that friends. We have always been more, why did it take me so long to realize that?

I was so different back then. Wild and carefree, I lived just for the sake of living. Things were simpler then, much simpler. Now, I don't live just for life, I live it for the people in my life. So what happens when those people go away? What happens when I get tired of being what I am, and want to go back to being what I once was? I know what happens. This is what happens.

I miss that poor, naïve seventeen-year-old. I miss her with all of my heart, but I can't get her back, can I? No, it's too late for that. I think of myself, spinning of my lawn in the rain. I don't do that anymore. When did I stop doing that? I've lost myself, I realize. It's as if there's a wall separating me from my old self. When did it get there? Did I put it up?

As I imagine Tai and me, standing there getting absolutely drenched, I'm overcome with emotions. I'm jealous; why couldn't I have that now? Why did these terrible things have to happen to me? I'm angry; it shouldn't have happened this way. How could God let this happen to Tai, he was such a good person! But most of all, I'm sad. I'm sad for Tai, I'm sad for my seventeen-year-old self. Because, standing under that downpour of rain, laughing and spinning around, we were having the best time of our lives.

We didn't even know it.

As I continue to stare outside, I can feel the weigh of the rain pressing against my chest. It feels like a sumo-wrestler is sitting on me, and I can't get him off. But in reality, nothing is happening. Nothing is hitting me and no one is on me. But my hopes and dreams are resting on my shoulders. And right now, they feel like the weight of the world.

They are something that I cannot—and will not—carry around with me. Not anymore. I'm through with caring. I'm through with hoping, waiting for the day that Tai will wake up. I'm done with it because, in all likelihood, that day will never come. The truth hurts, but love hurts even more.

I reach my hand out and pull my blinds down, blocking my view of outside. I do not want to watch that damned rainbow streak across the sky. I do not want to watch all the happy people retreat from their houses to have more fun in the sun.

I fall back on my bed and cry. It's the first real cry I've had in a while, not counting the whole pregnancy thing.

I cry for a long time. I cry for Tai, for Mimi, for Kari, for me. I cry for all of us, because it's the only thing I can do now. I can't make Tai wake up, I can't force Mimi to forgive me, I can't give Kari back her brother, I can't dig myself out of this hole.

Rainbows, like life, are overrated.

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