Disclaimer: I don't own digimon.
Chapter Sixteen: The Party From Hell
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It's been three days since I saw Sora hanging out with Summer. I was totally shocked when I saw it, and have to admit that part of me is still not over it.
Since when are they friends? More importantly, when do they have time to hang out, since Sora is always locked away in her room, isolating herself from everyone? I haven't talked (and by talked, I mean really talked) to Sora since before the shootings. We haven't hung out in, like, forever. She's always telling me that she's too busy to hang with me, so why is she available when Summer calls her up?
Then it hits me. The real reason why Sora has been so "busy" lately is because she's been hanging out with Summer. How could I not have figured that out yet? I know I'm not exactly the brightest crayon in the box, but still…
Even though it's been a few days, I can still remember every single detail about that sidewalk scuffle.
I can picture Summer and Sora, cigarettes in hand. I can perfectly imagine Sora's expression when she saw me. A mix of guilt and relief flooded her face.
It's was like she felt bad because I found out about her little double life and ruined her fun, but relieved because she no longer had to sneak around.
Yeah, I suspect that from now on she will be hanging out with 'their friends,' as Summer put it. In all the years that I have known Sora, she's always been the good girl. Always followed the rules; always had manners; always did the smart, responsible thing.
That was definitely not Sora that I saw three days ago. That was Summer. It was like Sora is her exact clone. They were even dressed the same. I cringe, thinking that Sora probably does all the other things Summer does with her friends. Smoking is now the least of my worries when it comes to Sora's health and well being.
Then, I scold myself, and say that I should have more faith in my best friend. Sora is still a good girl, even if she doesn't want her new 'friends' to know that. She wouldn't do any of that stuff. She's a good girl.
As I drill the words into my brain, I'm forced to wonder if they were really true.
My friendship with Sora was rock-solid. We had been through it all, and were still there for each other. When she moved away, we still stayed close. We would talk on the phone and send the occasional email and letter. Sure, we didn't really communicate as much as best friends should, but I guess our best friendship was put on hiatus for those years she went away. Our friendship was like a television show, in a way. It was kind of hanging there, still existing, just waiting for the day we started making new episodes (or in our case, memories).
We found new friends, friends that made those pivotal years without each other slightly easier. But no matter how many sleepovers and Friday nights I spend giggling and gossiping with my assortment of new friends, my heart was aching through it all. I never told Sora this, but I would have traded every single friend I'd ever had, just to have her there with me for get-togethers during those difficult high school years spent apart.
I say I never told her because I didn't have to. She knew, just like I knew. That is the way Sora and I, and our friendship, works. We just…get it. That's it. No elaborating, no describing, no funny stories about the past.
We just get it.
I think that's what is making this all the more difficult. For the first time in our friendship, I don't understand what Sora could possibly be thinking. I'm out of the loop on this one. I can't fathom why she would be launching herself down this precarious road, a road that is no doubt filled with drugs and drinking and all kinds of other things that I refuse to let myself think about.
I tell myself, once again, that Sora is not going down that road. I don't know if that is the truth, but it is my truth. It needs to be the truth, even if it's only my own, personal truth, because I need peace of mind. I need it more than anything right now, and if my so-called best friend can't deliver than I will have to get it for myself.
The hardest thing about this situation is not knowing. Not knowing where Sora is, or whom she's with. Not knowing what's she is doing, what she's already done. All anger and resentment I felt toward her that day that I hung up on her is long gone. It was replaced later that same day by confusion, when I saw her with Summer.
The confusion remains, but now another feeling is being added into the mix.
Sadness.
I'm sad because I don't know why Sora is doing this. I'm sad because she won't talk to me, won't even try to get in touch with me. Does she think I hate her? I have no idea.
But most of all, I'm sad because I realize that Sora isn't my best friend anymore. She is Summer's. Even if she hasn't verbalized it, I know it to be true. I don't know if our best friendship is simply on hiatus, or if it has been cancelled indefinitely. And now, I'm mourning our friendship, remembering the good times. The times before things got complicated and fucked up.
I think of us as small, innocent, six-year-old girls. I with long brown hair; Sora with medium-length crimson red hair. I think of the hot summer days spent in Sora's pool, giggling and splashing and making memories. I think of our first day of first grade, when Sora and I got lost in our school and didn't know where to go. It was like the blind leading the blind. We both had our own theories as to where our class was, and how to get there. She went one route, and I went the other. In the end, she found the class but didn't go in. She wandered around the rest of the school until she found me, and we went to class (forty-five minutes late) together. Sora always came back for me. I always came back for her.
But I couldn't come back for her now. Not this time. This time, it is much more complicated than a misplaced classroom. It is a misplaced friendship. And even if I did go wandering around, looking for her, I wouldn't have the slightest clue where to find her. I wouldn't have the slightest clue where to look.
And that is, by far, the worst part.
Because I just don't get it.
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"Sora, honey, can I talk to you?"
I look up from my TV to find my mother standing in my doorway, a worried look plastered all over her face.
"Yeah," I say as I get up from my bed and turn off my TV. "What is it?"
"Come downstairs for a minute," she says.
My heart catches in my throat as she turns around and retreats back downstairs. What does she want to talk to me about? As sad as it is, my first thought is not 'Did something happen to Tai?' It's not even my second, third, or fourth thought. It probably didn't even make the top ten.
'Did she find my stash?' Now there is my first thought.
'Does she know that I've been sneaking out at night?' That's my second.
'Did she find my pregnancy test?' I shudder, dreading the day I have to have a conversation about sex with my mother. Sure, we've had "the talk," but that was way back when I was thirteen. Back when my knowledge on the subject was limited to television, movies, and inaccurate pieces of gossip passed on by Mimi.
I could go on and on about all the things I thought of and worried about before Tai, but I'd prefer to just leave it at this: I'm a terrible, inconsiderate person who doesn't deserve Tai's love, even if he is currently incapacitated.
I get up and leave my room, casting a final glance over my shoulder to my warm, welcoming bed. As much as I want to just go back in my room and lock the door, I make my way down the stairs. There is a rhythm to my steps. Two quick steps, one after the other, followed by a short pause, and then two more quick steps.
Step, step, pause. Step, step, pause. Step, step, pause. Step, step, pause. Step, step, creak, pause. The creak occurs as my foot makes contact with the dreaded third-to-the-bottom step, ruining the perfect harmony I had achieved.
I am reminded briefly of my life. It's going along fine, smoothly, great. Then, the shooters—a.k.a. the third step—hit, and everything seems different. Now, it's as if the harmony has been tainted and you can never not make the creak while keeping in step to the beat.
Step, step. I take the two final steps quickly, forgetting about the perfect harmony (or lack thereof). I make it to the kitchen to find my mother standing beside the kitchen table. She is hovering, debating whether she should sit down or not. Now I am nervous. She always knows how to handle herself, unless a truly sticky situation comes along.
When my parents told me they were getting a divorce, she stood, sat, knelt, leaned, no longer sure what to do with herself.
Please. As if my mother sitting, not standing, at the table would have tipped me off that my family was being torn apart.
Finally, she settles on sitting down. I roll my eyes at her, but she doesn't notice. Or perhaps she just chooses to ignore it. Either way, she says nothing about it to me.
"Sit down," she tells me, pointing to the chair opposite her.
I reluctantly walk over to the table and sit down. She stares into my eyes, and I notice concern filling hers. I am now positive she has found my stash.
"I'm worried about you, Sora," she says.
"Why?" I ask. I try to be nonchalant, as if there is nothing for her to worry about. As if I haven't become the poster child to 'going nowhere, fast.'
She doesn't answer my question, just asks her own in its place.
"Where are all your friends lately? I can't even remember the last time you had Mimi over," she tells me. I shift in my seat. I don't want to be talking about this.
"Mimi's been really busy lately. I mean, she did just get engaged. You know how stressful it can be, planning a wedding and everything. She just doesn't have time to sit up in my room and hang out right now." I hope my mom doesn't realize that I'm pretty much just talking out of my ass. "Where is all of this coming from?"
"Okay, so Mimi is busy. That doesn't explain why the rest of your friends haven't been around. What could the others possibly be up to that takes up all of their time?" In typical mother fashion, she ignores my question and instead chooses to ask one of her own.
I think of my nice, comfy bed. I would give my right arm to be in it right now, instead of having this conversation.
"I don't know, I just…don't want to be around them right now," I say. I realize when I say it that it is the truth. Right now, I would much rather be with Summer and the gang than with Mimi and the others.
"Why not? Sora, what's going on with you? Come on, you can tell me. Open up to me, and let me know what's happening," she begs.
I suddenly have the urge to spill my guts about everything. I want to tell her about my new friends, how I sneak out at night to meet them, how they're completely different from the people I'm used to being around. I realize that she's being the mother I've always wanted, and needed, her to be. The type of mother that has maternal instincts. The kind who senses when something is wrong, and gives you the opportunity to tell her all about the problems you're facing. Sure, I wanted her to be like this back then...but did I want it now?
I decided to not tell her a thing, because it's simpler this way. If she doesn't know, I will always have the option of telling her. But if I do tell her, I will never have the luxury of un-telling her.
"You haven't visited Tai in quite a while," she continues. This conversation keeps getting more and more random.
"And what the hell is that supposed to mean, mother?" I snap. "Would you prefer if I were sitting at his bedside for days on end, like I was before?"
"No, of course not. But this isn't good either, Sora. You can't run away from your problems. You can't pretend like they don't exist, especially when your problems are as big as the ones you have."
"Okay, fine. I'll go visit him tomorrow, happy?" I try to stand up from the table, but she grabs my wrist and pulls me back down.
"Sora, are you listening to me?" Now I'm confused. How could I not be listening to her, if we're having a semi-conversation? Don't you need to know what one person is saying before you can respond to what they've said?
Okay, so I'm being a major smartass. What are you going to do about it?
"Yeah…of course I'm listening. Mom, what are you talking about?" I ask, getting impatient.
"I don't mean listening as in hearing what I'm saying. I mean listening as in understanding what I'm saying." My mother can officially read my mind.
"Yes, mom, I understand what you're saying," I say dully. I'm beginning to think that I don't. She is making no sense, so I must be missing something big.
"Tai is in a coma," she says. I roll my eyes.
"You're just figuring this out now? Yes, mom, I am aware," I state.
"Say it," she demands.
"You're crazy." She looks at me expectantly. I sigh, but comply. "Tai is in a coma."
That's when it hits me.
Tai is in a coma.
Comas aren't things that happen very often. I mean, yeah, I guess that they are, but not to me. Coma is a scary word. It's a word that stands for something truly frightening, which is probably the reason why the word alone just sent a shiver down my spine.
Some people never wake up from comas.
This sentence repeats over and over in my head. I have thought it a million times before, but I never really paid attention to it until now. I never paid attention until I just said it. Tai could be in a coma for the rest of his life. He could literally never wake up.
My hands grip onto my chair as I try to comprehend the full meaning of my mother's words. I'm thankful that my hands are under the table, where she can't see them. I don't want her to know that this is news to me. I want to remain calm on the outside, even though I'm having an absolute meltdown on the inside.
I can feel tears welling up in my eyes, but they aren't the kind that I will shed. They're the kind that you can feel behind your eyes while you watch a sad movie, but never really progress into actual tears. That's what I'm feeling right now. Well, it's one of the things I'm feeling right now.
It's like the world is spinning, and it doesn't feel like it will ever stop. It's like the life I'm living right now isn't really my life.
It isn't, is it?
I feel like when Tai got shot, someone hit the 'pause' button on my life. Now, I'm just filling up space and wasting time, waiting for Tai to wake up so I can hit the 'play' button again. But what I'm doing now does count. It is my real life.
The scariest part of this is that Tai isn't a part of my real life. I haven't made the effort to include him in it. I haven't visited him in a long time. Too long. I vow that I will visit him tomorrow, regardless of whether I feel up to it or not. Regardless of whether I think I will run into Mimi or not. I will suck it up and go to the hospital. I will plaster a fake smile on my face and say hello to all of the people I pass along the way, whether they're a random, a doctor, Mrs. Kamiya, or Mimi. Nothing will stop me from keeping Tai in my life, which is what that visit will be all about. This is my last, desperate attempt to hold onto Tai.
"Sora? Look, if you're just going to ignore me then you can just go back up to your room. I give up," my mother sighs and throws up her hands.
"Huh? Yeah, sorry, I was just thinking about stuff. So, what were you saying?" I ask. Her expression turns somber as she opens her mouth to speak. She takes my hand in hers and strokes it with her thumb.
"Look, I love Tai. He's like my son, really, he is. I hate that this happened to him. It's tearing me apart inside, but it did happened and there's nothing I can do about it. I hate seeing you like this, and there is something that I can do about that," she says.
"What are you talking about?" I inquire, not sure where her little speech is leading. She sighs again, still stroking my hand.
"I hate the effect that this has had on you, on me, on everyone. But I'll tell you something else, Sora. I'm not sorry that is was Tai and not you; I never will be. You're my first priority; you come before everyone else, including myself. I know you, Sora. You're my daughter, and I know you."
I try to raise an eyebrow, but both go up anyway.
What is she talking about? She opens her mouth to continue, but stops. She looks like she's having trouble getting this out. I have a strong urge to throw my arms around her in a bone-crushing, comforting hug. But I don't. I just sit there, glued to the spot.
"But...I don't know this girl in front on me."
"What?" I can't believe what my mother just said to me. What did she mean by that?
"I think you're having some trouble dealing with this, and coming to terms with you're feelings. You need help, sweetie. Let me get if for you," she offers. "Please?" That gets me moving.
I pull my hand from her grip. My feet unglue and I stand up. I shake my head furiously.
"No, I don't need help, mom. I'm fine. It's everyone else that isn't dealing. I'm fine," I say before going back up to my room.
How wrong I was.
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I contemplate calling Sora, but decide against it. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to see it: Sora has been ditching us for Summer. She would much rather hang out with Summer, and all of her freaky-ass friends than with us. What the hell do they have that we don't?
Well, fine. If she wants to ditch all of her friends and join some sleazy group that only sees her for something that she's not, then so be it. It's her choice if she wants to cut out all of the people who care about her.
But I'm not even mad at her, if you can believe it. I'm just…concerned and disappointed. And I'm scared.
I can't figure out why Sora would be doing this, but it hurts just the same. Is she rebelling because she's angry? Or is this just her cry for attention?
No, that can't be it. If she wanted attention, she would have made it clear she was befriending Summer, not hiding their friendship. If she wanted attention, she would be flaunting it in our faces, not ignoring us and praying that we never found out. I bet her own mother doesn't even know about her other friends. She's probably just as disillusioned as the rest of us.
But I guess it's not just Sora that's been bothering me.
After all, she's not the only one who hasn't been around lately.
It seems like we've all been drifting apart, and I'm helpless to do anything but just let it happen. The only one of our group I still talk to everyday is Matt. But I guess that's what happens when you get older: you grow apart. Technically, it should have happened when we all went off to college. But it didn't.
And not just because we all went to the same one (it would have been easy to join different clubs and abandon each other for other people), but because we cared enough to work at staying close. That's why we never drifted.
But we're drifting now.
So that's our problem: we just don't care anymore. None of us can be bothered to work at our friendship. None of us want to take the leadership role and pull us all together. So I'll have to do it myself.
I'll be the one who forces us all together again, because our group of friends means the world to me. I refuse to go down without a fight. And even if they don't want to, they're going to. They're going to make nice and get along and be friends again, because, really, they don't have a choice in the matter. Not anymore.
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"Hello?"
"Hi, Mimi? It's Izzy."
"Oh, hey Izzy! It's been a while, how have you been?"
"Oh, you know…not the greatest."
"Yeah, I know. We've all been feelings that way, I think. So, what's up?"
"Not much, I just wanted to see if you were free tomorrow night."
"Hmm, yeah, I think so. Why, what do you have in mind?"
"Actually, I was thinking that we could all get together and have a party for you and Matt. It's been a while since we were all in the same room together, and even longer since we had something to celebrate. What do you say?"
"Yeah, that sounds great! That's really thoughtful, Izzy. Thanks. Is there anything I can do?"
"Well…I've already called Joe, Kari, and T.K., and they're all coming. Matt, too."
"And what about—"
"—Sora. Well, Matt told me that you two weren't on the greatest of terms at the moment, so I figured I'd leave it up to you to decide."
"What does that mean, Izzy? Of course she's invited. She is a part of our group still…"
"Then what's the problem?"
"Nothing, except…I don't really know if she'd be up to it. This fight was a two-way street, you know? But I don't even care about that, I'm not mad at her anymore. I want her there; it wouldn't be the same without her. She's my best friend and I need her there to celebrate with me. But what can I tell her to get her to come?"
"Why don't you just tell her what you told me?"
"Because I can't. It's complicated, especially now. Please, Izzy, can't you just call her? I know that this is childish but it would go over much better if you called and asked Sora as opposed to me."
"Fine, I'll do it. But I think the way you two are acting is very juvenile. You both need each other right now, but neither of you wants to be the first to admit it. Just try to be the bigger person."
"But—"
"No buts. Look, I don't know what's going on with you two. Frankly, I don't really care to, either. All I know is that you two are best friends and shouldn't be fighting. You're destroying almost sixteen years of friendship because of some stupid fight I bet neither of you even remembers."
"Trust me, I remember it. And so does Sora."
"Well, whatever. I'll call Sora, and I'll invite her. But when she's at the party, I'm not going to be the mediator for you two; you'll have to talk and resolve your issues."
"I guess you're right."
"Yeah, I am. Eventually, if you're ever going to move forward, you two are going to have to have it out. You can't keep avoiding her forever."
"Yeah…I can try though."
"What? Sorry, I couldn't hear you."
"Uh, nothing. I just hope you're right about all this."
"I hope I'm right, too. Goodbye, Meems."
"Bye. And Thanks."
……………………………………………………………
I force myself to wake up early today and visit Tai. I get in the shower and turn the temperature to cold, hoping it will wake me up. I used to be an early-riser, but not anymore. I used to get up at six-thirty or seven in the morning, even during summer vacation! Now, I sleep in until lunchtime, sometimes even later. I think my mom is really worried about me, but I don't really care. It's my life, and I'm tired of living it for other people.
I get out of the shower and do my hair. Then I get dressed, and head downstairs to get some breakfast. I decide on toast: quick, easy and painless. It requires no time or effort, it's convenient and I know my mother would disapprove, telling me to have something for substantial, like eggs or pancakes.
But I like toast; I'm content with toast. Toast is like my life. I put no effort into it anymore. In many ways, I have given up on myself, and on others. My decisions are quick, careless even. I have lost all resistance and can be persuaded into doing things that my old self would never think of doing. Lately, I have been pretty reckless. When I do new things, I discover a hunger to continue doing it, and to try other things. I especially get "the hunger" when I take risks. I love the rush that I get. In a way, that's the greatest drug to me. Yes, I am always hungry for more.
Today is no exception. I hastily chew down two slices of toast and head to the door. I stop, realizing that I have no car; my mother is already at work. As if on cue, my cell phone rings from inside my purse. I grab it, and see that it's Summer.
"Hey," I greet her.
"Hey, what are you doing?" Summer asks. I think of lying, but decide to tell her the truth.
"I'm on my way out. I was going to go visit Tai today," I tell her slowly. Summer pauses, unsure of what to say. We have never talked about Tai before. I don't even think she realized that I knew Alex had told her about Tai. But I knew that she knew, and now, she knows that I know that she knows. Confusing, huh?
"Want some company?" Now I'm the one who has been caught off-guard. Summer and Tai never really interacted too much. They weren't enemies, but they weren't friends, either. I found it kind of strange that Tai, being that he was very close with Mimi, wasn't despised by Summer. Her loathing was saved for a special few, I suppose. Was I one of those few?
"Sure, that'd be great," I say.
Ten minutes later, Summer's car is in my driveway. We drive to the hospital, and I lead her to the fourth floor. We trek down the hall, dodging doctors, nurses, and patients alike. We approach his room, and I get a bad feeling. Something isn't right. Where was Mrs. Kamiya? What about Mr. Kamiya? Or even Kari? Why was nobody there?
Summer, sensing my apprehension, offers me a reassuring smile. I try my best to return it, fail miserably, and walk into the room.
Empty.
The bed is made. The closet is cleared. There are no visitors, or patients, and there is no sign that anyone has been there for days.
I gasp and my hand moves instinctively to my mouth. I hear Summer mumble "Oh, shit" behind me.
Time seems to stop, and the room starts to spin. I'm vaguely aware of things going on around me. Summer wraps her arms around me, trying to comfort me. A nurse comes into the room, to see why we are there. She tries to tell me something, but I'm not listening. Each moment in time seems to spill over into the next. Everything is blurry. I can't breathe, can't speak, can't see. I just want the room to stop spinning.
Where is Tai? I know he didn't wake up. Someone would have called me. And even if they hadn't, he wouldn't just be released the next day, he would still have to be kept for observation. So why isn't he in his bed?
I convince myself that we have the wrong room. That I haven't been to the hospital to visit in a while, so I must have forgotten which room he's in. I must be mistaken. I must be. Tai is not dead. My boyfriend is not down in the morgue with a tag around his toe. He's in another room, a different room. He is not dead.
"Sora, Sora, calm down," Summer coaxes. I realize that I'm crying pretty heavily, and am leaning against the wall. When did that happen? My whole body is convulsing and although Summer is holding me rather tightly, I can't seem to steady myself.
"I'm sorry, dear," the nurse comforts me. I shake my head.
"No." I refuse to accept the truth. I refuse to accept that Tai is gone for good. "No, he's not gone. Tai is not dead!" I insist. The nurse grabs hold of my hand and smiles.
"Oh no, dear, you've got it all wrong. Mr. Kamiya isn't dead."
"What?" I stare into her eyes, not sure if I heard her correctly. Did she just say Tai wasn't dead?
"He's not dead. He was just moved to a different room. Don't worry," she says. I let out a shaky breath and nod.
"Oh. Well, where is he now?"
"Hold on, I'll go find out the room number," she says, and then leaves the room.
Summer tries her best to calm me down, but it doesn't work. There is only one thing that can calm me down. I need to see Tai. I need to see him right now. God, why is the nurse taking so long?
She finally returns with Tai's room number. I mumble a 'thank you' and we head to the elevator. We get off at the third floor, and wander for a minute before we reach our destination.
We walk in and, sure enough, there's Tai. He's lying in his bed, still in his coma. And for the first time, I'm almost thankful for Tai's coma. Almost.
As long as he is in that coma, he can't see me. He can't see me, or Summer, or what I've become. As long as he's in his coma, he can't hate me for changing. He can't abandon me because he realizes he can do so much better than me. That's almost enough to comfort me.
Almost.
"Hey, Tai. It's me, Sora," I say. I'm not sure if he can hear me, but I need to believe that he can. It's my only real connection to him, and I need that connection more than anything right now.
Mrs. Kamiya stands up from her chair, and it's the first time I notice that she is even in the room.
"Sora," she says. She seems pretty shocked to see me in Tai's hospital room. I feel guilty that haven't visited him as much as I should. "How are you?"
"Good," I report as she pulls me into a hug. When we break apart, her gaze shifts over to Summer.
"Hello," Mrs. Kamiya says warmly. Clearly, she is not concerned that I'm here with Summer and not Mimi. She is just touched that we are there at all.
"Hi, I'm Summer," she introduces herself as she shakes hands with Mrs. Kamiya.
"Summer. That's a nice name. Did you know Tai?"
"Yeah. I went to high school with him. We, um, didn't hang out, or anything. But he was a good guy," she tells Mrs. Kamiya.
"Well, thank you for coming. Both of you."
It was like I had stepped into the twilight zone. Seeing Tai's mother and Summer together was just plain weird. It was like my two worlds had collided, and were suddenly forming one.
It was a mistake to bring Summer here.
Mrs. Kamiya would probably unknowingly pass the news to Kari, who would tell T.K., who would fill Matt in, who would report back to Mimi. If she hadn't already told them about me being a dirty rotten trader, she sure will after she finds out I brought Summer with me to the hospital.
I feel dirty. I feel disgraceful. How dare I bring Summer here? What had possessed me to bring my new friend over and parade around with her, flaunting it in Tai's face? I hate myself. I should be in the coma, not Tai. I deserve it, he doesn't.
I felt like I need to take a really long shower to get this feeling off of me. But it's not the feeling I need to get rid of. It's the new me that I have to lose.
We stay a while longer, and I pretend like I'm not uncomfortable. I pretend that I want to be there, and not anywhere else. I pretend to be something that I'm not. I've gotten pretty good at it by now.
Mrs. Kamiya and Summer chat it up and shoot the breeze, all the while I am completely lost in my thoughts.
I wonder why Tai was moved. I don't need to think about the answer. I know why he switched rooms. Nonetheless, I ponder the question at hand, trying to find an answer, any answer, other than the one I have already arrived at.
When I can't find any other reason, I am forced to face the awful truth.
Tai was moved to a different room because the doctors don't think he will be going anywhere anytime soon.
So now, he has a new room. A room that is ready to hold him for as long as he is in that coma.
It's a more permanent room. And that is the scariest thing of all.
It is in the medical opinion that Tai might not be going anywhere for quite a while.
…………………………………………………………
"So you're sure that Sora will be there?"
"Yes, Kari, I'm sure. For the fifth time, I'm sure," I tell her.
"Okay, okay. I'm just making sure," she says as she throws me my jeans. She grabs her shirt off the floor and moves to put it on. I reach out and grab her waist, pulling her down on top of me. I force the shirt from her hands and return it to its place on the floor, beside my jeans. We kiss for a bit before Kari finally pulls away.
"Stop, we gotta get dressed and go to the party." I roll my eyes.
"Nah, let's just blow it off," I say into her hair, only half-kidding.
"We can't. It's your brother. And it's Mimi. We have to go, T.K."
"Fine," I sigh. There's no use arguing with Kari. I know I'll wind up going regardless of what we say now, so it would only cause friction between us. "But we don't have to get up just yet." I check the time on her alarm clock. "We still have two hours."
"And what can we possibly do to pass the time?" Kari asks. I grin.
"I have a few ideas." She rolls her eyes and playfully slaps my arm, though I know she was thinking the same thing. It was just her obligation, as a female, to act offended and totally outraged by the comment.
We lay on her bed for a while. We're completely quiet. It's comfortable; it's nice. I lie there and listen to her breathing. It's so calm and steady. It's just like Kari. No matter what the situation, she's always peaceful and tough. She has some thick skin on her. She can withstand almost anything, including the situation with Tai. At least, she makes it look like she can.
"They say high school is where you find yourself," she comments, breaking the silence. I look at her, wondering what the hell she could be talking about.
"What?" I ask.
"They say high school is where you find yourself," she repeats. I stay quiet, trying to figure out where the statement came from. "Tai told me that once," she says, reading my mind.
"Oh."
"Yeah. I never used to get what that meant. I used to think 'how could I find myself if I haven't lost myself?' But I think I get it now," she says thoughtfully.
"Yeah? So, what do you think about that? Is there something wrong with trying to find yourself?" I ask. Now I'm pretty curious as to what she has to say.
"No, not really. Unless you don't like what you find," she answers. I consider what she means.
"Do you not like what you found?"
"I'm not sure," she says truthfully. "Some days, I think I do. I think I'm totally happy and things couldn't get any better. But then, bad things happen, and I feel like there's just no point to it all."
"No point to what?" I ask.
"Life." I get kind of worried. Where is this going? "I mean, we live and we die. What's the point of living, if we're just going to die someday?" Kari asks. Her words are heavy, and I can tell she's been thinking about this for a while. Probably since Tai got shot, perhaps even before then.
"Well, I don't know. I mean, of course we're going to die. It's inevitable. But would you really want to live forever? The way I see it, you only have a certain amount of time to live, and it's up to you how you want to spend it. You can waste it, make mistakes, and regret everything. Or, you can live it. You can have a life, a family, a purpose. Life doesn't have a 'point' until you give it one. So just give it one." I don't know where the words come from, but I guess I believe them.
"You know what?" Kari says as she props herself up and looks into my eyes.
"What?"
"I think I want you to be my point."
…………………………………………………………
"Hey, everyone," I say as I walk into Izzy's house. His parents aren't home; it's just the eight of us tonight.
"Sora, hey," Matt says. He hugs me and I know right away that Mimi hasn't told him about Summer. She hasn't told any of them. Not yet.
When we break apart, I make my rounds and greet everyone. It appears that I'm the last one to arrive, except for Mimi. She, like always, will be fashionably late. Late to her own party: Considerate, huh?
"Hey, Kar. How are you?"
"I'm good, how are you?"
"I'm...okay, I guess." We chat for a bit before Mimi waltzes in.
"Hey! I'm here, let's get this party started!" Mimi says excitedly. Everyone goes to say hello to her and offer their infinite congratulations. I hang behind, waiting for the crowd to clear. When Mimi is finally alone, I walk over to her.
"Hey," I offer, uneasy. She glances at me, and smiles.
"Hey," she says softly. And just like that, our fight is a thing of the past. I hug her, and tell her that I'm so, so happy for her. We talk for quite a while, just like old times. Well, almost. We wisely avoid certain subjects; subjects that we know will rehash old feelings of anger and sadness and remorse and just general bitchiness.
But no matter how happy we all are, or the fact that Mimi and I have cleared the air, it's still a little uncomfortable. I haven't been out of the loop for too long, yet I can't help but feel slightly out of place. I find myself wondering if skipping out of the party to hook up with Summer would be too inappropriate. I hate myself for even thinking such a thing.
We are about to sit down to dinner when there is a knock on the door. Izzy leaves to answer it. A minute later, he comes back with a girl behind him. She introduces herself as Cindy. I vaguely remember her from high school.
Izzy explains that she's his neighbour. Mimi tells her to grab a chair and join us for dinner.
"Oh, no, thanks. You guys are having a party, I wouldn't want to intrude," she says politely.
"Oh, nonsense. You aren't intruding, we're inviting you," Mimi insists.
"Well, all right then," Cindy complies before sitting down.
The first ten minutes of dinner are smooth sailing. And by 'smooth sailing,' I mean that nobody has mentioned my double life and recent connection to the dark side. Nobody has mentioned my lack of a connection with Tai.
I picture myself in a courtroom, pleading my case.
But I went to visit him. See? I do have a connection with Tai, I say, stating my argument for the jury inside my head.
So what? Visiting him once does not, under any circumstances, connect you to him. You and Tai are worlds apart now. God, have you even spent more than an hour with him this week? He's in a coma, for Christ's sake! The opposing council argues.
Yes, but I was going through a hard time! I lost myself. I lost Sora, but I got her back. I'm Sora again. See? Right now, right here. I'm Sora again.
You have no connection to Tai now, nor have you ever had one. Now, I'm outraged.
Of course I've had a connection to Tai. Incase you don't remember, I've been dating him for two years! You're method is completely unorthodox. Do you even know what the hell you're talking about?
All right, all right. I retract the latter part of the statement. But the former is absolutely true. Let it go on record that the plaintiff, Ms. Sora Takenouchi, is a dirty, rotten liar. The obnoxious lawyer condemning me is rather persistent. And, much to my disdain, she is rather correct as well.
But looking around the table at all my friends, the people who love and care about me, I realize one, very important thing. This—they—are my connection. We will share memories and funny stories about Tai. They will remind me of the things I have forgotten, or tell me about the things I have missed out on. I will do the same for them, because we are a team again. We are fighting the same cause, and I have never felt more needed. I belong somewhere again.
"So, I hope this isn't terribly inappropriate of me, but how is Taichi doing?" Cindy asks. I almost choke on my water as I glance around and see all the solemn faces. I look up at Cindy, and see is regretting her question.
"Um…he's still in the coma," Joe says quietly.
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said anything. I apologize," Cindy says quickly. Her cheeks are flushed and she suddenly looks very uncomfortable.
"No, that's all right. It's okay to talk about him," Kari insists.
"Yeah, it's okay," Izzy tells her.
"Oh, okay then," she says. I take another sip of my water and notice that my hand is shaking. "So do you visit him often? It must be hard on all of you," Cindy continues after a momentary silence. I bite my lip. I am now the uncomfortable one, not Cindy. I say a silent prayer, asking God to please make someone change the subject.
"Yeah, but we're dealing. Or at least we're trying to," Matt says softly.
"And what about you, Sora? How are you doing? Gosh, I can't even imagine what you're going through. I bet you're visiting him all the time," she continues. There it was, the question I was dreading.
Why did she have to single me out? Why not Tai's sister, or his best friend? Why did it have to be me?
And yes, actually, she was being pretty inappropriate. Kari was just being polite when she said it was okay to talk about him. She didn't mean 'sure, let's make everyone uncomfortable and point out the fact that Sora is a neglectful friend and girlfriend'.
So, how do I answer the question? Can I avoid it by asking someone to pass the soy sauce? Can I just lie about it, and hope that Mimi or one of the others didn't call me on it?
"Um…yeah. It's hard," I say.
"Sora hasn't really been visiting him lately," Mimi informs her. I, along with everyone else at the table, give Mimi a strange look. Where did that come from?
"Well, it's not as simple as that," I begin, trying to defend myself. I don't know Cindy, and she doesn't know me. But that doesn't mean I want her leaving this dinner thinking I'm a terrible person. Even if I am, which I'm pretty sure I am.
"Yes, it is. Face it: you haven't been around. That's fine and dandy that you were out doing your own thing while we were all worried about you, but don't you dare try to pretend that you have been around when you haven't," Mimi says, her voice full of resentment and pain.
"Mimi…Please, let's not do this," I beg. I don't care that she's calling me out. I deserve whatever she says to me. I deserve it all, but there is one thing I don't want her to say. There is one particular piece of information that I just cannot let her divulge. An outraged look sweeps across her face, and I know she's about to let it slip. Nobody tells Mimi what to do, why didn't I remember that? Didn't I 'write the book on Mimi and our friendship'? I guess that was all a load of shit.
"No, Sora. Why don't you tell everyone what you've been doing while we've all been calling you and trying to reach you? Why don't you, huh? Where have you been, Sora? Tell us."
Fourteen eyes come to rest upon me as I shift uncomfortably in my seat. Matt puts his hand on Mimi's shoulder, telling her to calm down. She pushes it off with her hand and continues to glare at me.
"We're waiting," she says impatiently.
"Meems—"
"—If you don't want to tell them where you've been, I will. Everyone, are you listening? Get ready, because you really aren't doing to believe this," she laughs. "Sora has been out, gallivanting around, with Summer and her crew."
There is a mix of reaction across their faces. Some, like Kari and T.K., are confused because they don't really remember who Summer is. Matt, Joe and Izzy (after taking a moment to remember just who the hell Summer is) are shocked, probably wondering why I'm hanging with her and how Mimi found out. Cindy looks lost, unsure if she is allowed to be confused, or if she's supposed to know who Summer is.
"What?" Matt asks, breaking the silence.
"You heard me. Sora has been ditching us and avoiding our calls, so she can go out with them and do God-only-knows what."
"Meems, calm down. You don't know that. I'm sure this is all just a misunderstanding," Kari suggests hopefully. She's trying to break the tension, but it isn't working. It's only making things worse.
"No, Kari, it isn't a misunderstanding. Is it, Sora?" I am, once again, put on the spot.
"No, it's not," I admit. I am defeated.
"Why are you even here, Sora?" Mimi asks.
"I was invited, Mimi. I did this for you, because Izzy said you wanted me here. I'm sorry that I came because I don't want to be here any more than you want me here," I say bitterly, my voice now louder than normal.
"Fine, then. Get out; I don't want you anywhere near me! You've already ruined this party, why don't you just go for my whole engagement, huh? Consider our friendship officially over. I don't want you to ever speak to me again, do you hear me?" I can feel the tears coming, but I will not let them fall. I refuse to show signs of weakness. I refuse to let Mimi know she's getting to me. "I tried to have faith in you, tried to believe that you would turn it around and come back to us. But you're too far into it now. You are just like them," she says. Now she has crossed a line. I may have deserved everything else she said, but that was low. And definitely not true.
"Fuck you, Mimi," I scream as I grab my purse and storm out of Izzy's house. I get into my car and pull out of the driveway. I try not to think about what just happened, but I can't help it. Mimi's words are still echoing in my head.
'You are just like them.'
I'm reminded of Josh's words when I left the club. That's exactly what he had said, too.
But that's just their opinion; I'm not really one of them, right? If it's just their opinion, then why do I care so much? If it isn't true, then why am I driving over to Josh's place right now?
……………………………………………………………
I knock loudly on the apartment door, waiting for someone to open it. Finally, it opens. Josh is on the other side, wearing flannel pajama pants and no shirt. I study him.
My eyes wander over his bare chest. It's built, but not as built as Tai's. Does it matter? I notice the way his dark drown hair sits messily on his head, unmanageable. I find myself comparing it to Tai's. Which is messier? Is it the same style? Same colour? I stare into his gorgeous green eyes, longing for Tai's chocolate ones to stare back at me. But it isn't going to happen. He is Josh, not Tai. He has never been Tai, nor will he ever be.
Then I get angry.
Thinking about Tai only reminds me of Mimi, and the fight at Izzy's house a few minutes ago. I think of all the terrible things Mimi had said to me. All the even more terrible things I had said to myself.
I bite my tongue and try to forget what just transpired. I am with Josh now, not them. I need to stop thinking about the fight. It's in the past. Yes, it does count as the past, even though it was only ten minutes ago. And you can't live in the past can you? No, you can't. Well, you can, I suppose. But you really shouldn't.
I should just forget about Mimi, forget about all of them. I should, but I know I won't. I'm still staring at Josh. If I squint just enough, he almost looks like Tai. Almost, but not quite.
"Hey, Sor? You okay?" Josh asks. I shake my head.
"Just…don't talk." And with that, I launch myself at him, crushing my lips against his. The kiss is nice, much better than the one outside the club.
Speaking of the club, and the little incident that took place there, everything has been resolved. Josh called me the next morning and apologized. He had a bunch of excuses for our behaviour, including "it was just the alcohol and stuff," and "we partied late last night and weren't running on too much sleep". None of his reasons made me feel better, but his effort was certainly commendable.
My hands are now running through his thick, unruly hair. It feels the same as Tai's. His hands are on my hips. The kiss is intense. The kiss is heated. The kiss is wrong, all wrong.
I don't care.
I reach my foot out behind me and kick the door shut. Now, I'm being pressed against the wall. He's got me cornered, and I don't mind one bit. It's nice, actually. I could almost get used to it. I could, but I won't. I know that, he knows that, so what's the problem with what we're doing? I pull away.
"Is anyone home?" I ask, my breathing heavy. He shakes his head, his breathing the same as mine.
"No, my roommate's visiting his sister for a few days," he tells me.
Roommate. Not parents, roommate. How grown up is that? I wonder how long he has been on his own. I wonder if he talks to his parents, and if he does, how often. I wonder if he has any siblings, realizing I don't know very much about him at all. I want to know more about him. I have so many questions for him. But right now isn't the time for questions, so I do not ask any.
We kiss for a bit more before he starts to unbutton my shirt. I don't stop him. I pull it off and throw it away. He presses me even harder against the wall. I still don't care. My hands run across his chest and make their way down to his pants. I tug on the drawstring. Now it is his turn to pull away.
"Sora," he whispers. I shudder, liking the way my name sounds when he says it. It reminds me of the way Tai used to say it. I can feel his breath on my ear as he whispers about how we should stop.
"What?" I ask impatiently. I don't want to talk. I just want one thing and he knows that. So why the hell are we still talking?
"You don't want this," he says. His words are firm, and final. As if it is not open for debate. He backs away from me, looking disappointed but unwavering. 'I will not go any further' his eyes are saying to me.
"Don't tell me what I don't want," I say angrily. I lurch forward and capture his lips again. I press myself against him, causing him to stagger and stumble backwards. His leg bumps into the arm of the couch. I push him back so he falls onto it. I fall with him, landing flat against him.
Maybe his eyes say he doesn't want it, but everything else is saying he does.
He does. He tells me so as he nibbles on my right ear. I hold back a grin. I have broken him. He has given into me, and is completely at my mercy. I am in control now, not him. It's just the way it should be. Just the way I need it to be.
I like being in control. I always have, always will. I don't like things that I don't have control of. They scare me, so I choose not to think about them. That's why I was so blindsided by what happened to Tai. That's why I'm here. I need to have even the slightest bit of control. I need it like the sky needs the clouds. Like trees need leaves. Like Ross needs Rachel. Like I need Tai. That's how badly I need the control.
And I must do one more thing to cement this new position of power. I must stop it, because if I let that happen, the power struggle will shift once more and he will be in control again.
I pull away, get off of him, and stand up. He looks at me with a questioning look, probably wondering what the hell I am doing. Honestly, I don't even know anymore. I grab my shirt off of the floor and put it on, feeling rather satisfied with myself.
"Thanks, I feel better now. We should do this again sometime," I tell him before walking out of his apartment and back into the hall.
Mimi is wrong.
I am not like them.
I am worse.
……………………………………………………………