A/N: I got tired waiting for my beta to get back, so I decided to be rueful and in a nice one shot, describe what happens when authors do bad things, like pair up their characters.

So anyway, enjoy, and when flaming do remember to tell me why you want to impale me on a telephone poll. (not that anyone reads my crap anyway.) Oh, and if you happen to like yaoi fanfiction, and are not tolerant of opposing views, please press that handy little "back" button on your browser. If on the other hand you like yaoi and are tolerant of others' opinions on it, please continue.

Disclaimer: I do not own Kingdom Hearts, and all characters belong to their respective owners.

Somewhere in Japan

The following cases have been submitted to the Executive board of Square in Hopes that the Research and development laboratories have not been working for days for nothing. Also, the following has been research notes collected from various R&D facilities that have been Researching the "fanfiction" surrounding Kingdom Hearts. A few times a group of authors was invited to a nearby property so that the scientists could observe their behavior. These are their notes of the various cases.

Case #1

SoraxKairi

A very normal case. Boy loves girl, girl loves boy. Boy saves world, girl gets left behind, and they are eventually reunited. Boy marries girl, girl has baby. Fast forward one year to our current situation:

"I hate you! Why did you get me pregnant again!"

"You were the one that wanted another baby. You wanted a girl, not a boy! Well you got a boy bitch, and know you've changed your mind about the girl? Stay sane!"

"Sane? Sane! I'm not the one that followed some stupid quest given to you by a duck and a dog! And you didn't even try to find me! Riku did!"

"Don't bring that traitor into this conversation! I told you a thousand time I never want to hear his name again. I don't care what happened in Kingdom Hearts and how he "redeemed himself." It's bullshit and you know it. So shut up bitch, and get me a beer."

"Thats it! I've had enough of your bullshit! I'm leaving you Sora, you were never a good lay anyway!"

Sad yes, very, but of course it gets worse. Fast forward one month later.

Sora is sitting in his house, going through his mail.

"McLasky and Associates? I don't know them."

Sora opened the letter.

Dear Sora,

This is to inform you that your wife formally divorcing you, and is demanding the house, the child, and all other property. Your court date is next thursday.

"Damn that bitch to hell!" Sora swore.

But wait, it gets even better! Fast forward to next Thursday.

Sora and Kairi are standing before a judge.

"Due to the equivailent possession divorce law, all possessions are to be evenly split according to value. So, I am awarding Kairi the house, the children, the dog, the land, and all the furniture.

"What the hell do I get in 'equivalent trade' for all that ? Did she have some money stashed somewhere?" Sora looked hopeful. He had liked the dog, but money would buy another dog.

"Ah, pardon me, I neglected to mention she also gets all the money."

"You have got to be shitting me." Sora said incredulously, "What the fuck does that leave me with?"

"Uh lets see..."the judge glanced down at her notes, "one keyblade."

"I get my keyblade. Just the keyblade. What the hell are you talking about! This piece of metal isn't worth the house! Let alone the land the money and the dog!"

"Uh, excuse me if I'm wrong, but that keyblade can save the universe. So its more valuable than everything you own put together. So you get that, and she gets everything else."

"Fuck."

Fast forward to Friday.

Sora is standing on the beach, his keyblade in his hand. He points the tip of it at his face.

"Firaga!"

Case #2

LeonxYuffie

A more pleasant, more violent case.

Boy and girl fight together, boy and girl become attached. Boy marries girl. Fast forward two months after wedding.

Leon opened the door softly, and snuck into the house quietly. He took a left, and found himself in the kitchen. He accidentally bumped into a pot that had been lying on the floor.

Suddenly a woman appeared in front of him holding a gun.

"You! Stop sneaking into the house like that." Yuffie said, still pointing the gun at him. "I ought to shoot you know, every time you've tried to sneak up on me."

"Now now honey lets stop this." Leon grabbed his gunblade at his belt and quick drew it pointing at Yuffie.

"Put down the gun honey."

"No, you put down the gun Leon."

"Honey, we do this all the time. I sneak in, you pull your gun on me, I pull mine on you, I talk you down, we have sex. Lets just skip the whole charade and go to the fun part."

"But I don't want to have sex with you, I am tired of sex. I just want to cuddle." She said, still keeping her gun at face level.

"Then why the hell would you pull your gun on me if you didn't want sex!" Leon snapped, "I'm sorry, how about this, I'll cook some dinner, and then we can continue this. Will that make it up to you?"

"Mmmm, I'd like some beef right now." She said, putting the gun back behind her back.

"One cow, coming up for the missus." Leon walked outside, pointed his gunblade at one of the cows on their small country ranch, and pulled the trigger.

Case #3

RikuxSora

THE YAOI FANGIRLS HAVE INVADED I REPEAT THE YAOI FANGIRLS HAVE INVADED! The computer voice sounded. It was quickly replaced by the carrier Demon's Eye's captain:

"All crews are to report to combat positions. Alpha squad is to man the ship's guns. I want every plane up the air. We will nip this in the bud! Commence operations in twenty minutes. Gamma and Delta are Recon and target acquisition. Mark!"

Fast forward nineteen minutes.

"Hey Lane, don't you think it would be great if Riku felt Sora's manly chest?" Sarah said, at their first group meeting of Yaoi fanfiction writers.

"No, the other way around, Sora's feeling Riku's manly chest." The other seven girls laughed at Sarah's mistake.

"Haha very funny." Sara whined

"X4544 Y34434 X4543 Y34434"

"Did you say something Suzie?"

"Nope. Mary?"

"I didn't. But back to Riku. He needs to be more muscular, and tanned, we can do that right?"

"X4544 Y34433 X4543 Y34435"

"Now I know I heard something." Suzie said.

"That should do it, commence operations."

"Linda? Are you pulling another joke on us again?"

"No, I'm not. Anyways, all this is going to the R&D facility up the road right?"

A sharp whistling noise was heard overhead. Three seconds later, 1000 precision guided bombs, 300 ship launched artillery, and 4500 rounds of .50-cal ammunition tore through the building the girls were occupying.

The admiral of the flagship Demon's Wrath swirled his glass of scotch as he watched a satellite feed of the target area.
"Shame on them. We had to do what we had to do. Yaoi parings will not be tolerated. May the great demon celebrate our offering to him!" He downed the scotch.

WARNING! WARNING! YAOI FANGIRLS ARE CONVERGING IN SECTOR 3. ALL CREWS REPORT!

"Good lord do I love my job." The admiral thought to himself, as his battle fleet moved off in the direction of sector 3.

Case #4

RikuxKairi

"I love you Riku." Kairi said.

"I love you Kairi." Riku said.

"I love you Riku." Kairi said., standing on the beach.

"I love you Kairi." Riku said, sitting on the ground.

"Riku! Pay attention to the cards. It's your move!" Mickey said.

Riku shook his head. He drew a card, and discarded another.

"Gin!" The mouse said, picking up Riku's card and throwing down another face-down. And he threw down his hand, showing another winning hand of gin rummy.

"I'm gonna kill you you little furball!" Riku said, jumping up and grabbing his sword. He proceeded to chase the mouse all over the now heartless free Kingdom Hearts.

"Well, I've waited long enough for you Riku. Two days is just way too long. I wonder if that Tidus guy is still looking at Selphie. Maybe a little Kairi lovin' will change his mind." Kairi thought, as she walked from the beach toward the dock, with an extra sway to her hips.

Case #5

SoraxLeon

FIRE!

A large explosion was centered around this particular case's research facility. All that remained was the title of the project.

Case #6

Riku/Sora/Kairi solo

Truly this case should not be here, as this is a showcasing of pairings, however these tend to have paring bases, thus their inclusion. This case involves the main character either a) looking for Kairi (if it is Riku or Sora), looking for Riku (if its Sora or Kairi) (Editor's note, as has happened before the R&D facility that was investigating the Sora looking for Riku in a sexual way was destroyed. To prevent the further loss of human life, we will now no longer sponsor manned malexmale pairing R&D facilities. However, the facility that was looking into non sexual male pairings suprisingly was not touhed) or looking for Sora (Kairi only). Riku apparently never looks for Sora. He's too good for that. This particular case is so expansive (but usually very shallow and romancy) that it is impossible to cover, so we will only highlight the 'bullet points'

Protagonist resolves to find other person.

Protagonist is granted a weapon (or has one already)

Protagonist gets stronger.

New evil force is introduced

Protagonist is the only one that can stop evil force

Protagonist stops evil force and finds loved one.

Rarely, and I do mean Very Rarely, does the protagonist not have a love interest. For such cases there are two kinds. The first follows the format layed out in Kingdom Hearts, minus the Kairi.

New evil force is introduced (or old one is beefed up, thus making it a "new" evil force)

Hero resolves to destroy evil force

Adventuring

Hero defeats evil Force

The second category is just labeled "Original." Now the R&D teams have spent numerous days trying to summarize Original, and have come up with these two guidelines.

Story starts before, during or after Kingdom Hearts.

Story ends before, during or after Kingdom hearts, usually, but not always, with a large battle.

Case #7

Yuri or FemalexFemale

The R&D facilities have refused to even venture into this topic (as have many authors), so there is no data on this case. However, some information can be gleaned from our Final Fantasy R&D facilities:

Girl A loves girl B (9 times out of 10 girl A is Kairi)

Girl A is separated from B and tries to get her back or Girl A and Girl B go through various relational pitfalls Or "Original"

Story ends before, during or after Kingdom Hearts.

Thats all that the Project theorizers were able to come up with. Oh, and one of the project theorizers called the president of this project a "hentai." for even coming up with such a proposal to look into this matter. It was later discovered, after her house had been leveled by a few cruise missiles, that she was a yaoi writer, and wrote rather smutty yaoi. Its tough to find good help these days.

Case #8

Sephiroth is Riku's Relative!

This case is not common overall (hence its inclusion at the end of the case files), however, among the Riku genre, it is very posh to have Sephiroth as Riku's relative. The combination of Hair and overall 'affection' for Humanity has been the driving force that leads many to suspect a lineage connection. R&D came back with a little data on such stories:

All fall into the category of Original

All tend to be Riku solo, or more uncommonly, Sephiroth solo.

Most tend to be after Kingdom Hearts, though a few have it during or before, and a very rare number ignore Kingdom Hearts entirely.

Most of these have Riku getting a keyblade.

More Data is forthcoming, as our analysts predict that his is a budding topic, and there is a small amount of suspicion (very small) that Riku and Sephiroth will be revealed as relatives in the next KH.

Case #9

RikuxOC

This case is rather common. To quote: "RikuxOC, because he has to get Someone!" Well, apparently many agree with this statement. This case is at the end because it is the most prevalent of RikuxZZZ pairings (after RikuxSora of course. Fangirls, shame.) This type of story has the following characteristics.

Riku is alone

Riku meets girl

Awkward relationship occurs

Riku gets girl OR continue to next point

Girl is taken away

Riku gets back girl after killing stuff.

There are a few fics where the roles are reversed, where the girl is saving Riku. Not very common, and for once I have to agree with the fangirls (and I'm already hearing the whistle as I email this to headquarters.), Riku is the strong one, he's the manly one, he does the ass kicking. Riku is an ass kicking, meat eating, killing machine, and he don't get saved, not even by an equally ass kicking meat eating killing female machine. He's too stubborn for it.

That was the end of that particular transmission, apparently a very small bomb was precision guided and destroyed the computer, and by extension the scientist typing away on it. Luckily, he was able to email what he had completed.

Well, we hope to have enlightened you with this presentation, and hope that you as board members have gained an insight to Kingdom Heart's fans.

"Umm, how did you get all that stuff from the ships?"

"Don't ask questions that you don't want to know the answer to."

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

I think I don't like one shots. Great for getting a point across, maybe I'll do a fic about the admiral as he travels the seas destroying any yaoi fanfiction author conventions. Would make an interesting series, though I doubt it would get much approval. (then again, looking at my readership, and my review count, why in the world am I caring about approval?) Also, while the views expressed in this document can be described as homophobic (and lord knows how many times i've been called that and a dozen other names), i wish to inform the reading audience that it is not homosexuality that i disapprove of, it is reading about homosexuality, especially when its a great story idea and they ruin it by making it so smutty that i can't get through it. Or worse, is when they make a great story idea and don't warn the reader about the yaoi content.