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Chapter Twenty: Dreams and Reality
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I open my eyes and Tai is there. Not just in my mind; he's reallythere. I can see him. I could reach out and touch him, and he'll still be there.

He's sitting in a chair beside my bed, watching me. Was I asleep before he came? I must have been. How else would he just appear here? Yeah, he must have snuck in and not wanted to wake me up.

I sit up. My breath catches in my throat. I can't talk. There are so many things I want to tell him, but I just can't find the words.

"Sora?" he asks, sounding bewildered.

"Who else would it be?" I say with a huge smile.

He stands up slowly, cautiously, as if I'll disappear if he moves too fast. He can't believe this as much as I can't, maybe even more. He sits down beside me on the bed and puts his arm around me.

"I never thought I'd..."

"I know," I interrupt. I don't want him to finish his sentence. As long as he doesn't say it, I can pretend that the slumber I just woke up from contained dreams of his coma. I can pretend it wasn't real. This is the only reality I need.

"I missed you," he says. "How...how long has it been?"

His question shocks me. I don't really know. Near the beginning, I knew. I knew every hour, every minute, every second he had spent in that coma. But now, I couldn't even tell you how many days. I think that maybe I could do the math in my head, but I'm having trouble remembering what day it is. Let's see, the shootings happened on June 22nd, and today is July 16th.

Almost a whole month?

Not even a month?

They were two completely different thoughts, both occurring at the same time.

In a way, I can't believe it's almost been a month. The memory is so fresh in my mind that it's like it happened yesterday. Being back with Tai kind of makes it seem like a dream, and that it never happened to begin with.

At the same time, it feels so much longer than a month. So much has happened, so many friendships have started and ended. So many people have cried and laughed. It doesn't seem like it could all fit in thirty measly days. But it has. Actually, it's fit into less than thirty.

"Just a little less than a month," I state. I hear his sharp intake of breath. I can tell he's surprised, and that he doesn't know what to say.

He shuts his eyes and rests his chin on the top of my head. I bury my face in the crook of his neck. I breathe in deep, taking in his smell. He used to smell like a little bit of aftershave, a little bit of cologne, and a little bit of Tai. He smells like that now. He doesn't smell like hospital, which is good. He must have showered before he came over.

His arms around me used to feel warm and protective. I never wanted to leave them. They feel that way now.

Our kisses used to be slow and deliberate, like we had all the time in the world. In many ways, we did. God, we were so stupid.

We sit there for a long time, staying completely silent. I don't want this to end, yet I am overcome with the feeling that it will. It's the way you feel right before the chair is pulled out from under you, I suppose.

I feel something wet on my cheek and realize that I'm crying. I feel so guilty, thinking of all the things I've done lately. This isn't the way Tai left things, and he shouldn't have to come back to things being this way.

"I'm so sorry," I whisper. Tai takes my hand in his, and rubs his thumb over it.

"It isn't your fault, Sor. What happened to me was—"

"—Not that, Tai. I know now that it wasn't my fault. I've done some awful things while you were gone. Things that when you find out about, you're going to hate me for." He pulls away, and gives me a questioning look. He sighs, and shakes his head.

"I could never hate you."

"Trust me, you could. And you will."

He shushed me, tells me not to worry about that now. I agree, happy he isn't storming out on me right now.

"I can't believe you're here," he exclaims. He touches my face, probably to make sure that I'm still real.

We shift positions, and lay down on my bed. We say nothing. I just listen to his calm, steady breathing. When I can't bear the silence anymore, I talk again.

"But Tai, you don't understand. Everyone else left me. Mimi hates me, they're all avoiding me." He sits up beside me quickly, anger sweeping his handsome features.

"What? Why?" he demands. I sigh heavily, not wanting to explain. I wish I hadn't said anything in the first place. I know, however, that he won't leave until I tell him. But then again, I don't want him to leave. I want him to stay forever, even if it's under this uncomfortable silence.

"I ditched them, okay? It's not their faults. I just...I missed you so much and it didn't feel right being with them without you. Every second with them was a reminder that you weren't gonna be there, and why. I did some really shitty things, all because I couldn't handle everything going on," I explain.

"That's no excuse! They turned their backs on you when you needed help!"

He understood perfectly. How was that? How did he know exactly what I thought and felt, all the time? Did he really know me that well? Part of me wondered if this was really happening. What if I was only imagining it? Despite my logical side nagging me, I push those doubts out of my mind. There's no way my imagination is this good.

"They've been really preoccupied. It's my fault, really."

"How? What the hell could be more important that a friend in need?" Tai is trying to defend me, though I'm not sure who it's benefiting. Maybe it's me, but maybe it's only himself. Maybe he's trying to convince himself that I'm not as horrible as I really am.

"Mimi and Matt are engaged," I tell him. He stays silent, as if trying to decide whether or not that is a plausible excuse.

"Okay, but what about the others? What are their excuses?"

"I don't know. They've all been having a hard time. It wasn't just me who had to deal with, um, what happened, you know? Joe's at the hospital all the time volunteering, burying himself in work. Izzy is spending a lot of time with this new girl, Cindy. T.K.'s gotten into some trouble, fighting and stuff. And Kari...you're her brother, Tai. Come on. It's hard for everyone. You can't blame them."

"Kari, um, how is she? I mean, she's not like..." he trails off, almost like he can't find the words. "Is she okay?"

"Yeah, she's got T.K. I mean, of course she's upset and stuff. But she's dealing, I guess," I tell him. I feel ashamed and guilty that I can't really supply an answer to that question. I haven't been around Kari enough to see if she's okay. But then again, she's the one who has been reaching out to me. She's been the same old Kari, so she can't have changed that much, right? "She gave a speech at this memorial thing earlier today. It was really good," I add.

He nods, and half smiles. He looks like he wants to ask me more questions, but he's afraid to. I don't want him to be. I want him to ask me whatever he wants; I want him to say everything that's on his mind. Well, maybe not everything on his mind. Especially if it's something negative about me. But just about anything else is fine.

"It was Ken Ichijouji," I tell him. He gasps, and I realize that he didn't know that it was Ken who shot him. I guess he didn't see him when it happened.

"What? That bastard...I'll fucking kill him! Who else was involved?" I know I should answer his question, it's what I wanted to do, but it's really uncomfortable. I haven't really talked about that day with anyone, unless you count that therapist a while back. But it's Tai. If I can't talk to him, who can I talk to?

"There were three other guys, all from Odaiba High; Davis, Cody and Jacob. But it doesn't matter now," I proclaim with a small sigh.

"Why not?" I don't think he quite understands. He really doesn't get the fact that they're dead. Duh, I tell myself. He's been in a coma. He has no idea. That's why he asked you.

"Because, Tai, they're dead. All of them," I quietly inform him. He nods his head, trying to process everything that he's heard.

"Suicide?" he asks. I nod. Even though I'm pretty sure Jacob's death wasn't suicide, I don't tell him otherwise. I don't feel like getting into everything right now. "Cowards. They got off easy, compared to what I would have done to them..." I nod once more. I'm glad that he won't get the chance to prove how badly he wants to do them in. I'm even more glad that he doesn't ask how I know it was Ken that shot Tai. That isn't a pleasant story.

Apparently, in the last year, school crimes and vandalisms had increased at our old high school. They installed security cameras in order to catch the kids responsible, and they wound up catching every single second of that horrible day. Officials viewed the tapes and informed people. Mrs. Kamiya told me it was Ken. She knows for a fact that it was Ken. She saw him do it.

He sighs, and lies back on the bed. He puts an arm around me, and I'm waiting for him to get up and leave, saying he should probably call Kari or something. He doesn't. Instead, we fall asleep.

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"Sora? Wake up!"

I open an eye to find my mother hovering over me. I'm not sure how long I've been asleep. Groaning, I sit up and stifle a yawn.

"What? What is it?" I ask. "Where's Tai?" I look around, and see that Tai isn't there anymore. In fact, there's no evidence at all that he's been there. The chair in the corner that he was sitting on is gone.

It takes me a minute before I realize that I never had a chair there to begin with.

My mother disregards my comment about Tai. Maybe she didn't hear it, maybe she just concluded that I was dreaming and didn't want to press me. If that's the case, I'm grateful.

"I'm surprised the phone didn't wake you up a minute ago," she states. "It was Tai's mother on the phone," she explains. I notice for the first time since I awoke that she's crying. My heart sinks.

"Mom, what is it? What happened?" She says nothing. "Tell me!"

She reaches into my drawer and throws me a pink t-shirt. I'm about to protest that I already have a nice shirt on, but I look down and realize that it's wrinkled from my nap.

"Put this on. We have to hurry, Sora. I'll be downstairs when you're ready to leave."

"Where are we going?" I yell as she leaves.

"The hospital," she tells me, with a tone that suggests I should already have figured that out. She shuts the door to let me change.

I tear off my wrinkled shirt and put the fresh one on. The whole time, I'm trying to avoid thinking. I don't want to think, though I know it's impossible to do. The only think I can think right now is 'Tai is dead. He came to me in a dream to say goodbye. This is it; he's gone for real this time.'

I run downstairs, forgetting my purse up in my room. My mother is standing at the door holding her car keys. She has an impatient look, like I'm holding her up for an important meeting. She had stopped crying, but her eyes are still red and a little puffy.

Taking a breath and putting on my shoes, I ask the one question I'm pretty sure I don't want an answer to.

"Why are we going to the hospital, mom?"

A look of surprise registers on my mother's face, kind of like she just realized she still hasn't told me anything. A small smile creeps its way onto her face, and despite my gut-feeling that something horrible has happened, I relax.

"Tai's awake," she says.

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Short and sweet.

I won't be updating this week, due to exams. I know, I know, school sucks. On the bright side, I am officially done this Friday, and will have the rest of the summer to write to my heart's content.

Review, and wish me luck!