Disclaimer: Digimon is obviously not mine.
Hey guys, I was going to update yesterday, but I went out yesterday morning and bought the Harry Potter book. Thirteen hours later I was finished the book, but I forgot completely about updating (I was crying was too hard to clearly see the computer screen anyway). Seriously, if you haven't picked it up, go NOW. Well, read my story first, but then you can go!
Chapter Twenty-Four: The Talks
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After a rather interesting lunch, Matt and I stopped by the hospital to see Tai. Mrs. Kamiya had slipped out for a moment to get some lunch herself, so we were given some private time with our friend.
"We miss you, buddy. Get up soon," Matt tells him.
I'm about to add onto that statement when Sora walks into the room. We make eye contact, and I know she knows that I talked to her mom. Don't ask me how, but I know. Maybe the fact that she's shooting daggers at me right now is a bit of a tip-off.
I made a resolution, that day I talked to Mrs. Takenouchi, that I was going to work things out with Sora. I wanted to be her friend again, just like it used to be. But, I realize now that nothing will ever be like it used to be. We're different people now. I don't think I can change back to who I used to be, so would it be right for me to assume the same for her?
We glance uncomfortably at each other before both our gazes come to rest upon Tai. The only thing we have in common now, other than our past, is Tai. In a way, that upsets me. I don't want to grow apart from Sora. I just can't help but feel angry and resentful towards her, for the way she has single-handedly torn our relationship apart. Okay, so maybe I offered a bit of incentive, but still...
Mrs. Kamiya returns after a few minutes of awkward silence between the three (four, if you count Tai) of us. Sora chats quietly with her in the corner while Matt and I whisper about Kari and T.K., glad that Tai can't hear and Mrs. Kamiya is distracted.
"I think you should tell Sora about it," Matt suggests.
"What? What could she possibly do to help this situation? It would probably only piss Kari off if we had Sora talk to her," I protest. "This is a delicate situation, Matt."
"Yes, but Sora is more like a sister to Kari than you are. I'm sure they've talked about this kind of stuff before. I just think that if anyone should talk to her, it should be Sora. That's what Tai would want, and I'm sure that's what Kari would want, too. You have to put aside your feelings for her and focus on what Kari needs." I don't look too convinced, so he shoots me a pleading glance. "Please? Before something bad happens to either one of them? It'll be good for Sora, too, you know."
"Fine," I cave. "I'll talk to Sora about it."
"Talk to me about what?" Sora asks. I turn around to face her. I lead her into the hallway, and shut the door to Tai's room behind us. I don't want to risk Mrs. Kamiya hearing us. She would go off the deep end for sure.
"I think maybe you need to talk to Kari about something." Sora attempts to raise one eyebrow, a talent she has not yet mastered, and winds up raising both. "She and T.K., I think that they might be...you know." She looks puzzled for a moment, before uttering an 'oh.'
"So what exactly do you want me to do about it? I don't control Kari, you know. I can't tell her what she can and can't do, and I don't think you should be either." Part of me wonders if Sora is trying to defend Kari, or herself.
"Well, I just want to make sure she's okay with everything that's going on. I mean, she might just be trying to deal with everything that's happening in an unhealthy way. I wanted to talk to her myself, but Matt seems to think that you would be best suited for the job. If you don't want to do it, just tell me and I'll take over. Matt's going to talk to T.K. about it, too."
"No, no. I'll do it."
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Why the hell did I agree to talk to Kari? Why didn't I just let Mimi do it?
Because I wanted to spite her, that's why. When she said that she wanted to do it, but Matt seems to think that I would be better, I couldn't help but feel like she was challenging me. I really have noidea what's been going on with everybody and she was waving that in my face.
Okay, I'm a bitch. Whatever. I'm still not over Mimi ratting me out to my mother. In fact, I wish I had said something about it to her when we were at the hospital. I didn't think to say anything on Saturday when Tai 'woke up' either, so I've now missed two chances. Next time I see her, I'm definitely going to rip into her for what she did. We'll see how the high and mighty Princess Mimi feels then.
I call Kari when I get home, and ask her if she wants to go shopping. She seems kind of apprehensive to accept my invitation, like it will be really awkward or something. Maybe it will be. I used to hang out with Kari all the time, before Tai's coma. Now, I can't even remember the last time I spent time with her, not counting the hospital visits in which we're in the same room. Nonetheless, she agrees.
I change, grab my purse, and go downstairs. My mother is sitting on the couch, watching TV. I didn't know she was home today, but apparently she is.
"I'm going to the mall, can I borrow the car?" I ask, hoping she's not going to hold our fight against me. A lot has happened since then, and with everything that's happened with Tai, I don't think she can confront me without coming off as a total bitch.
"That depends. Who are you going with?" I'm tempted to say Summer, just to get a reaction.
"Kari. You can call her house and ask her, since you obviously don't trust me," I snap.
"With good reason," she shoots back. We stare at each other for a few moments, daring the other to look away first. "Keys are on the counter," she says and looks back at the TV. I get an uncomfortable feeling in my gut, and wish I had looked away first. She isn't even going to call Kari and make sure I'm going with her. For some reason, I wish she would, just to prove that I'm telling the truth. Why isn't she? Is my mother intimidated by me? Or is she just giving up on me altogether? I don't think either one is good.
I drive to the mall and see that the parking lot in nearly empty, which is strange for a summer day in Odaiba. I take it as a bad sign, and have to force myself to get out of my car and meet Kari. It would look really bad if I stood her up.
I walk through a set of doors and am greeted with cold air. God bless the inventor of air conditioning. Kari is at the food court, where we agreed to meet.
"Hey," she greets me.
"Hey. So, um, where should we start?" We turn around and survey the area, picking between the many stores and deciding if they're worth going into.
"How about over there?" Kari suggests, pointing to the opposite end. We start walking, and have virtually nothing to say to each other after 'how are you?' and 'boy, it's hot outside.'
This is going to be a long trip to the mall.
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"I'm going to church with my mom later, do you want to come?" Cindy inquires. We're hanging out at my house, watching some silly movie on TV.
"Do I ever come with you to that place?" I ask bitterly.
"Well, I just thought I would ask. And it isn't 'that place', it's called church. You know, the house of God?" I roll my eyes. We're about to get into yet another pointless discussion about God. It seems like ever since I stopped believing in Him, it's all she wants to talk about. Perhaps she thinks that she can change my opinion. I think she's hoping it will score her a ticket to heaven if she successfully converts me into a follower. It's rather redundant, since whatever she is going to say will not work on me.
"Why are you doing this? I mean, certainly you realize that it bothers me to talk about someone who obviously isn't real." Okay, so I probably shouldn't phrase it like that if I don't want to egg her on. Live and learn.
"Izzy, how many times do I have to tell you? He is real," she insists. We're entering full discussion mode. I need to find a way to put a stop to this before it gets the chance to really start.
"If you believe that, then I feel sorry for you." I yawn and stretch out on my part of the couch. "Can we possibly change the channel? This movie is not good."
"You can't just change the subject and expect me to forget what we were talking about," she informs me. Shit. Here we go. I suppose I should participate in this argument, so I don't provoke her even further.
"I wasn't trying to." I sigh heavily. "Look, I really don't feel like getting into this right now. Why don't you just leave? I'm sure you and your mom will want to be early and get good seats at church or something," I mutter sarcastically.
"I'm sick of you insulting me. I'm religious, I believe in God. I'm sorry if you think I'm a freak or whatever, but I care about the Lord's opinion a lot more than I care about yours, you jackass."
"What do you want from me? Why do you incessantly talk about this stuff to me, anyway?" Her face goes sullen, like I just killed her puppy or something. I've said this many times before, asked her to tell me why she is so adamant when it comes to God, but she just avoids the question. One of these days, I'm going to force her to tell me.
"I want you to go see Reverend Toby at the church. Just talk to him and maybe he can convince you that you're being a crazy son of a bitch. Please?"
"You honestly want me to talk to a reverend about how I despise God? Are you stupid? That will not help anything, Cindy," I argue.
"You know what? Fine. I'm leaving. Just because you're going through a hard time right now, doesn't mean you're allowed to become a total bastard to everyone who tries to help you. Goodbye." She storms out the front door and leaves me staring at where she had been with a shocked expression on my face.
Cindy is a great girl, but sometimes, it's very difficult to be her friend.
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"Joe? Didn't you sign up to volunteer at the hospital today?" I look up from my textbook to find my dad staring at me.
"Oh, yeah, I did. But I think I really should use the time to study. I have my exams to re-take, remember?" He looks at me with a blank expression on his face and sits down opposite me.
"Joe, I don't think you need to worry about that just yet. I know I don't really tell you this enough, but I'm very proud of how hard you work. You're going to make a great doctor one day, just like your bother," he tells me. He just had to add in that part about my brother. No pressure, right Dad?
This is why I haven't told my father about my doubts.
I just feel like he's constantly comparing me to my brother. Jim and I are really different, but sometimes, I don't think my dad realizes that. I think he sees Jim as the perfect son, the one who followed in his footsteps and always strived to be just like him. Naturally, I had to compete with Jim; I had to continue on the family tradition of practicing medicine.
It's not like my dad is overbearing or possessive. He does care about what I want, but I guess he's always thought this was what I want. I used to think it was, but now, I think it was only because I felt I had to live up to the family name.
I just want my dad to be proud of me. If I don't do this for him, will he still love me like he does now?
"Thanks, dad. But really, I want to be prepared for this. I can't screw up," I tell him.
"Nonsense. You put too much pressure on yourself, Joe." More like you put too much pressure on me, Dad. "You aren't going to screw this up. You'll have plenty of time to study for exams later, why don't you go to the hospital? You did sign up after all. You need to make a good impression if you'll be working there someday, am I right?"
There's no use fighting my dad, so why do I even try?
"Yeah, I guess." I shut my books and stand up, to get ready for my day of volunteering.
"Why don't you bring these?" he asks, handing me my books. "You can study between rounds, if you really want to." If I want to? What a joke.
No, dad. I don't want to.
"Sure, thanks."
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"So I talked to Mimi today," I begin. Kari nods happily as she chews her salad, telling me to continue. "And, um, she mentioned you." Shit. This is where it gets tricky.
"Really? What did she say?" I wonder if she's only play clueless, or if she really doesn't think that Mimi knows about what Matt walked in on. Maybe she just doesn't think Mimi would bother filling me in on everything.
"Oh, you know, just...stuff." I have no idea how the hell I'm going to bring this up. I mean, how do you talk about this with the girl that feels more like a baby sister than a friend?
"Wow, stuff. It sounds important. I'm surprised you had the time and energy to come out with me, after that intense conversation about stuff," she mocks sarcastically. I roll my eyes, and she gives me a look that says 'out with it'.
"So you and T.K. have been spending a lot of time together, huh?" I say, hoping to sound like I'm changing the subject, instead of staying on course, like I actually am. She sees right through me.
"Oh. That stuff." She takes another mouthful of salad and pushes the remaining lettuce around on her plate.
"Yeah, um, about that..." I don't even know how to begin. I have no idea what words to use, how to go about this. "Are you two...? I mean, have you, um...?" She remains calm, which is surprising. I'm blushing like mad, and she doesn't even look fazed.
"Are we having sex? Is that what you want to know?" I shift uncomfortably in my seat. She knows that I'm having trouble talking to her about this, and she's using it to gain the upper hand. Clearly, she picked up a thing or two from Tai while they were growing up. I nod slowly, clearly embarrassed. She smirks at me before saying, "Yeah. So?"
"So? Kari, I don't know if you realize but this is a dangerous game you're playing. I mean, what if you got pregnant? What if—"
"—Look, I appreciate your concern, but I don't need you to look out for me. I already have a mother, you know." A thought occurs to me: Am I trying to help Kari, or myself? If I talk to her, will it only serve to make me feel better, make me feel like I'm actually being useful and somehow helping out Tai? Maybe this will help me redeem myself. I could use it, after this past weekend. After I left the hospital, my mom went home and I went out to clear my head. I ended up at Josh's.
"I'm not trying to be your mother, Kar. I just think that you should really stop to think about what you're doing before you jump into things."
"Sora, no offense, but you of all people shouldn't be handing me out advice on how to live my life," she states indignantly. She has every right to say that to me, I know that, but it still hurts. Kari is the one person that I didn't expect to throw that in my face. Here I am, trying to be someone she can come to when she needs to talk, and she totally ignores that.
"Fine, you don't have to listen to me. But what would Tai think?" Hopefully, the reminder of her brother will make her feel even the slightest bit remorseful. I don't really think I'm overreacting here. Kari is doing a serious thing and treating it like it's no big deal. She's growing up too fast for her own good.
But maybe I'm being a hypocrite? It's not like I wasn't doing the same thing at her age...so what can I do that won't make it seem like a double-standard?
"I could ask you the same question," she says through gritted teeth. I've never really seen Kari upset before. Sure, the odd time here and there, but never like this. I've never been on the receiving end of it, either.
"And what is that supposed to mean?" I demand. She gives me a look that says 'you don't want me to go there'. "No, come on. Say it."
"Fine. You're never around. Sometimes, I have to wonder if you've fallen off the face of the earth! You're always out with...them. I haven't spent time with you like this in what seems like forever. You're avoiding us all. You didn't even have the guts to tell me that you didn't want to come to the memorial service. You just blew it off, and probably went off gallivanting with your friends. Am I right?" How dare she say that to me? "Well? Am I right?"
"No, you aren't right. Kari, out of everyone, I didn't think that you would be the one to give me shit for everything that's happened. I expect it from Mimi, but I thought you'd be different." Standing up, I grab my purse with my left hand and my purchases with my right. I know we're probably causing a scene, but I don't really care. "And just so you know, I was at your damned service."
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"I'm still not sure it was a good idea," Mimi complains as I drive her home.
"Why not...? Meems, why can't you just trust Sora?" I ask. The annoyance is rather apparent in my voice.
"I don't know. I want to trust her, I want to be her friend again but whenever I see her I can't help but have all the anger and resentment I've felt this path month come rushing back to me," she explains. In a way, I can totally understand where she's coming from. If it were me, I'd totally be holding a grudge against Sora, too. But I'd like to think that by now, I would be able to forgive her and get past it. Maybe it's harder for her, because they've been best friends since...well, forever. But isn't that even more of a reason to reconcile?
"I still think you should try to resolve things between you two," I lecture as I pull into her driveway. "It's more important that you realize."
She undoes her seatbelt and gives me a questioning look. "Why is that?"
"Because I know you, and if something bad happens while you two are feuding, you'll never forgive yourself."
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After I drop Mimi off at her house, I go back home and wait for T.K.
He has his detention today, which means he won't be home for another few hours. I take that time to collect my thoughts, wondering what the hell I'm going to say to him. I have to bring it up, of course, or else I would be a terrible big brother.
'Big brother.' That term was acceptable back when T.K. and I were little kids. I don't think it's appropriate now, since my baby bro isn't such a baby anymore. He's bigger than me, actually. He's about an inch and a half taller, and although he's only seventeen, he looks like he could actually be my older brother.
When did T.K., the little boy that I used to force to eat grass, become a man? When did that little immature brat who spent hours every Saturday morning parked in front of the television watching mind-numbing cartoons, grow up?
Whenever it happened, it did happen.
I didn't even notice. How could I not notice something so huge? I guess that with everything going on, I haven't been paying too much attention to my brother. Well, he's got my attention now.
I don't know why I didn't figure it out sooner. I mean, the kid fought against someone with a freaking gun, risking his life, just so other people would be safe. I couldn't do that, that's for sure.
And what about the reason he isn't here right now—his detentions. He kicked the shit out of some kids, sending them to the hospital, because he thought they were re-enacting the attacks. He didn't know they were only joking around. He was prepared to take on four gun-toting psychopaths. And then, when he had to face the principal, he argued with her and almost resorted to switching schools. The kid has guts, that's for sure. I couldn't do any of the things he did, especially yelling at Principal Nagasi. That is one scary woman.
Great, not only did my kid brother mature and become a man, but he's more man than I am.
That definitely hurts the ego a bit.
The phone rings somewhere in the background, serving as a welcome interruption my train of thought. I jump up and answer it.
"Hello?"
"Hey," Mimi says. "Did you talk to T.K. yet?" I sigh, wondering how I can tell her what I've decided without her getting angry.
"No, I haven't yet. And, um, I don't think I'm gonna."
"What?" she practically screams. Okay, so there's no way to do it without angering her.
"Well, what do you want me to say? That what they're doing isn't right and they need to stop? Don't you think that would be a little...hypocritical of us?" I wince, bracing myself for her outburst.
"I don't care, Matt! You're just afraid of being the bad guy. Is this how things are going to be when we have kids? Because right now, you have to act like his parent, not his 'cool' older brother," she scolds me. She's right, I know she's right. But I don't want T.K. to hate me. Especially during a time like this, when we all need as much love and support as we can get.
"I know, and you're right. It's just...it isn't a conversation I'm ready to have with my seventeen year old brother. You don't understand, since you don't have any siblings. It's like you spend your whole life trying to protect them from doing the wrong things, and they do them anyway. And you can't say anything, because you did them too, and they know that and will throw it in your face in a second," I try to explain.
"Well, you had better figure out a way to talk to him. If you don't, I'll come over there and talk to him myself, and I'm sure that won't be any better," she warns.
"Alright, alright, I got it. I'll talk to him as soon as he gets home." The front door opens and T.K. traipses in. "Um, I have to go, T.K.'s home. I'll call you later?"
"Okay, good luck," she says. "Love you, bye." I hear a click and the dial tone. I set the phone down and look up at T.K., who shrugs and makes his way to the stairs.
"You're home early," I observe.
"Yeah, the warden sprung me for the day," he tells me before climbing up the stairs to him room. I take a deep breath, suddenly realizing that I'm a little nervous about what's coming. I walk to the bottom of the stairs.
"Can I talk to you?" I call, waiting for him to come down into the kitchen.
"Yup. Talk," he shouts from his room.
"Why don't you come down here?" I wait a few seconds before he emerges from behind his closed door and trudges down the stairs. I sit down at the kitchen table and he pulls out the chair opposite me.
"'Kay, let's just get this over with," he states, sitting down. "You'll work on knocking before entering a room; I'll work on keeping it in my pants. Are we done here?"
"No, but it was a good try," I offer. "Look, this isn't exactly a conversation I imagined having with you, but we need to have it. So just accept that and maybe we can get through this quickly, alright?" He nods, and leans back in his seat.
"Okay, go."
"Well, first of all, I'm not going to act like I'm our father or anything. I'm your brother and it wasn't too long ago that I was seventeen, and doing pretty much everything you were doing. Granted, I wasn't almost getting expelled from—"
"Matt? On with it, please."
"Oh, right, yeah. Sorry. I know you might be thinking that it's no big deal what's been happening, and I agree with you. I mean, normally, it wouldn't be thathuge. But given the situation...it makes things a lot more complicated," I explain.
"Meaning...?"
"Kari is going through a lot right now. Are you sure that she's not, you know, um...do you get what I mean?" Okay, so I don't have a particular way with words. Sue me.
"You know, Kari isn't doing anything she doesn't want to do. Believe it or not, this is about us, and not Tai. And I know that you're trying to help, but I think that you should just butt out." He looks angry, really angry. I don't think I've ever seen my brother trulyangry, at least not with me.
"Yeah, I can do that," I confirm. He stands up and turns to leave.
"One more thing, though? You're being, uh...safe, right?" He nods, laughing to himself at my uncomfortable expression. "Yup, good. You can go."
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When Matt dropped me off at home, I rushed inside, ready to brood.
How dare he advise me what to do, as if he's some kind of therapist or something?
I know I shouldn't be mad with him, but I can't help it. Being mad at myself hasn't worked, and channeling all my negativity towards Sora hasn't gotten me very far, either. I guess I'm looking for an out, a reason to vent, and Matt has suddenly become just that.
What did he mean by 'if something bad happens?'
Was he referred to Tai? Yeah, that would count as something bad.
I guess he's right. I mean, if that does happen, Sora will need me there for her. And I like to think I would be, but with the way I feel about her right now...maybe I wouldn't be as reliable as I imagine myself to be.
God, when did everything get so complicated?
I open my wallet and glance at the picture I keep there. It is, to me, one of the most treasured things I have ever owned. I would die if I ever lost it, or if it ripped or bent or something. Nothing, not even my current situation with the girl in this picture, will make me dispose of it.
A smile creeps across my face as I study our demeanor. I have my tongue stuck out and an overall amused expression on my young face. Sora has two fingers are in her mouth, one on either side, stretching it wide, baring her perfectly straight, white teeth. Her eyes are wide, but she still manages to look, in a truly strange way, mature.
Just looking at the photo sends a shiver down my spine. There's something...magical about it. It's old and worn, since it was taken right before Sora moved away. The background (which is the hard, grey wall of a photo booth and covered only by a ratty salmon-coloured curtain) is tacky, to say the least. Neither of us looks too presentable, but it doesn't matter. I have tons of pictures where I'm smiling and looking great, but they don't mean shit to me.
Perhaps it's the way we look so comfortable with each other, like only true best friends can. Or maybe it's because this was our last picture together before she left, and it holds certain sentimental value. It could even be because of the writing on the back, the short message that Sora wrote to me, like I did to another picture, taken the same time as this one, that she kept.
Meems,
I won't be there to keep you in line, but try not to break too many hearts, okay? And don't flunk out of the ninth grade, because you're parents wouldn't be too thrilled about that! Don't be too sad that I'm gone...I'll come back one day, I promise! Everything will be good then. But for now, hang tight, and don't replace me while I'm away. (Yeah, like you could ever find someone to put up with you like I do, ha-ha.) Have fun and remember that if you need me, I'll always be a phone call away.
BFF, xoxo
Sora.
One phone call away...how true. I could just swallow my pride and dial her number, and this whole nightmare would be over.
I could...
But I'm not going to.
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I come home to an empty house. There's a note on the counter from my mom. She got called into work, and won't be back until tonight. Which is good, because I don't think I could handle being around her right now.
I turn on the TV and sink into the couch. I shut my eyes and can feel myself drifting off to sleep when the doorbell rings. I stretch and arise from the couch, turning off the TV as I do so. I go to answer the door: It's Kari.
"Oh. Kari, hey," I say, sounding more than a little surprised If she came back for round two, I'm so going to slam this door in her face.
"Hi. I, um, I just wanted to say that I'm sorry," she mumbles. "I was out of line when I said those things to you. You were only trying to help." I just stand there, gaping in shock at a slightly embarrassed, very remorseful Kari. Out of all the things I expected her to say, that was definitely scraping the bottom of the list.
"That's okay. I deserved it," I admit. She doesn't tell me otherwise, which I appreciate in a strange way. I just hate it when people lie to your face, because they think it will make you feel better. "Do you want to come in?" She nods and walks in. We sit down on the couch, and are swallowed up by an awkward silence. Do I dare continue with our talk?
"I'm not like, a slut or anything," she blurts out.
"Of course you're not! Nobody thinks that, Kari," I assure her.
"Good. That's why I got so defensive when I found out you guys were all talking about it. I didn't want to give off that impression. And I don't want Matt to think I'm like, corrupting his brother or anything," she explains. Although I want to believe her, I don't really know if I can. The things she said to me weren't out of embarrassment or anxiety because of Matt's opinion of her.
"He doesn't think that at all. It's just that we were concerned. I mean, with everything that's been going on..." I pause, wondering how I can tiptoe around the subject. But maybe I shouldn't tiptoe around it. Maybe that's why we got into this mess. Maybe I should just put my feet flat on the ground and march right on through, so to speak. "With your brother in a coma, we weren't sure if maybe you were just, I don't know, jumping into things without thinking. We didn't want you to get hurt," I say softly.
She nods and shifts positions, pulling her feet under her. For a brief moment, I'm reminded of the times when we would just hang out at her place. Kari and I were friends, and just because I was dating her brother didn't mean that I couldn't go over there to just spend time with her. Sometimes, I wouldn't even see Tai when I went over there. I was very clear about having personal time with Kari. I didn't want her to feel weird because I was her brother's girlfriend, even though we only met through Tai.
"When did this start?" I ask. It may be Tai's baby sister I'm talking to, but it is juicy gossip and girl talk nonetheless. I miss this. I remember when Mimi and I used to have chats like this all the time. Even Kari and I did sometimes, though it was never talking about this kind of stuff.
"I don't know," she says with a blush. "About a week ago, maybe?"
"So he was your first, then?" She nods, and gets a faraway look in her eyes.
"What about you? Was it Tai, I mean?" I shake my head.
"No. There was this other guy, Rob," I admit. "Maybe you remember him? He was at my going-away party a few years ago."
"Oh, right," she recalls. "So were you two going out when you came here?" she inquires.
"No, we were just friends. He moved from America with his parents the year after I moved there, so I befriended him. I knew how it was, being the new kid and all. We were good friends...but it always seemed awkward, like we were some more than that. One day, he asked me to the movies and after that, we dated for about four months," I recount. "When I think about it, I wish I had waited. But we had known each other for a few years and had been very best friends. We didn't really need to take the time to get to know each other, so we kind of skipped a few steps. I don't really know why we broke up, but then again, I don't really know why we went out in the first place. We just decided being friends was best for us, I guess."
"Did you...did you love him?" I can tell that it kind of hurts her to ask me that. She definitely doesn't like hearing about my life before I knew her and, more specifically, Tai. I guess in her mind, Tai was the only one that I've ever loved, ever been loved by. I think in my mind, I feel the same way.
"No. At least, not like I love your stupid brother," I smile. She returns the smile and relaxes a bit. "Your speech at the service was really good. Tai would have been proud," I tell her.
"Thanks. I just wish that he could have been there to hear it," she sighs. She looks up at me and I see the same little girl that cried at her big brother's graduation. Tai later told me she confessed to him that she was scared they would grow apart and she would lose him. She didn't have to worry, though. Tai wouldn't leave her for anything. Sometimes, I wondered if he loved her more than he loved me, or anyone else, for that matter. I think Kari is the one person in this world that I wouldn't mind coming in second to.
She's grown up so much and I don't think I expected it. She's not the little kid crying at my graduation. She's a woman. Over the years I've spent so much time with her that I didn't notice the gradual change. She's seventeen, and she can practically take care of herself now. She depended on Tai for a lot of things, and she doesn't have him anymore. She's doing pretty well, though. She's dealing a lot better than I am.
Is it bad that I could learn a few things from the girl two years younger than me? Is it bad that she's about a million times more mature?
"Well, you'll just have to say it for him when he wakes up," I whisper. She looks at me with happy, expectant eyes, and I hate myself. I've just promised her the world, when it isn't mine to give.
I'm tempted to find a way out, a way that can somehow not make her hate me if the day she finally gets to recite her speech to her brother never comes.
Looking into her chocolate brown eyes, I know I can't do that. It is no longer just an idea. It's a hope, a dream. Just because I put the seed is the ground doesn't give me the right to shade the plant from the sun and deprive it of water, does it?
I wonder, as I stare at her, if anyone ever told her how much like Tai she actually is. I wonder if anyone has ever told her that she's funny and outgoing and loving, just like him. I wonder if she knows just how proud he is of her, and how much he loves her.
I wonder if anyone ever told her she has his eyes.
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Twenty-four down, four to go.
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