Hellsing's Fanbase Problems: Chapter 3: The Navy Blue Installment
Written by Der Baron Joe opf Michigan
Fanbase People are (c) Themselves.
I DO NOT OWN THE HELLSING CHARACTERS, OMGWTF. They all belong to Kouta Hirano and all that jazz. He is godly.
Flames are my friend.
"Generic Dialogue." means they are talking, and /Generic Thought./ means thought. Okay? GOOD. D:
I'm not sure what the Fic is rated, but it sure seems like a T to me. o.o
LOLOMGWTFOMGWTFOMGWTFOMGWTFOMGWTFOMGWTFOMGLOL.
Today's Italisized Sub-chapter Title's Shall be Read by Anderson.
Ootsoide Tha Hellzing Coorpoorashin.
Oh, poor Ripley and her string of bad luck. There she was, your average flat-chested 80-year-old bachelorete Nazi vampire, but facing the largest twist she will ever know; the horrors of having an OHIOAN (Of all things demonic.) tied to her back like she was a German pack-mule. For five minutes, Rip tried to scrabble her lanky arms around her back trying to shake loose the obsessed parasite that resided there. The only thing she accomplished was getting bitten several times, and having several locks of her black hair being severed from her demonic scalp of doom and whatnot.
"Fraulein Rip, if Ich may interject, vhy not try some veed-killer?" Doc suggested to Rip.
"JU VREAK OPF ANIME FANDOM NATURE." Rip took a bottle of bleach, instead, and poured it on the Liz clamped to her back. Liz shrieked in happiness as her mouth widened and bowled out, collecting the bleach and storing it within her innards. Liz then furiously cackled, as Doc and Schrödinger's left eyes were both twitching in disgusted horror, "JU GOT ZHO BE KIDDINK MEINSELF," Rip slapped her face in agony, not realizing her glove still had bleach on it, "! GAFROZZLINKOONAUF! X.X"
"Whunagh?" Liz lifted her hand as it was covered with inky blackness coming from the vampire's head, "GAPSPSPSP...SPSPS. YOUR HEAD'S LEAKING."
"Lea...kink?" Rip raised a now whitened eyebrow as she turned around to gaze at a conveniently placed wall mirror on the door. Her eyes widened as she saw her hair now resembled the X-Men's Rogue's. Schrödinger suddenly fell trough a trap door.
Meanwhoile, bock wooth Integra..
"Oh would ja look at dat? The DVD's over with. . ." V said with her trademark spaced ellipses at the end. Integra had a crinkled smile across her face and was shaking violently with uncontrollably dilating pupils.
"T-T-T-T-THE FLASHING. IT BURNS MAH BRAIN." Integra's restraints were released, only to cause her to fall to the floor in a fetal position.
"Mmmhm." V was picking at her teeth with her pinky finger, "Lessee. . . Oh. Right. Next I'm supposed to have you bake 140.8 of those Betty Crocker dome cakes with only a spoon, bowl, open fire, crayons and glitter." Integra glared up at V and screamed horridly, "HOP TO IT."
Ahnd now aoure dear Kr… Kriou… Kriougn. KRIEG. Yasz.
Autteh and Krieg sat in a room with a buzzing fluorescent light flickering above the small card table in front of them. Autteh continued a vacant and blank smile/stare at Krieg, until she broke the silence, "SAY IT."
"Say vhat?" Krieg queried.
"SAY WHAT'S ON THE CARD I GAVE YOU." Autteh demanded.
"But… I kant…" Krieg replied.
"YEZYOUCAN."
Krieg sighed and said what needed to be said: Egg McMuffin, "Ekk MigMuvmin."
"XDXDXDXDXD THAT'S SO AWESOME. AGAINAGIANAGIAN." Autteh clapped her hands.
"E-Ekk MigMuvmin." Krieg's eyes shifted.
"XDXD; Okay. Now time for torture," Autteh looked at Krieg, "MOON BASE ZAPPA," she shouted horrendously loud. Krieg cringed, as his hands locked to the chair that turned towards a giant TV with him in it. The TV turned on, displaying the DVD menu to…
Season One of Frasier in Portuguese. Krieg whined out of disdain.
"As an added bonus…" Autteh started, "a robotic claw on the ceiling'll be shoving balls of a fine mixture of wasabi and guacamole into your mouth on 12 second intervals." Krieg gazed at the TV as the show started. The first line was already too much.
"Generic law term, Frank." Frasier monotonously stated. Krieg broke into tears, as the first wasabi/guacamole ball entered his mouth. Autteh, meanwhile, was talking on a walkie-talkie.
"The piggy is in the pen. How many left?" Autteh said.
"Liz's taking care of the curly one. There more. Employ Ruka and Aki." Joe replied.
Twainkle Twainkle Lil' Stahr...
Aki had gotten Walter to the conservatory to play piano for her. He was forced to sit on a seat covered in fly-paper, "So here's the deal," she started, "you play 'Twinkle Twinkle Little Star' backwards, upside-down while still being right-side up, legato and allegro at the same time."
"But, miss, that's impossi…"
"I DON'T CARE." Aki billowed, "YOU WILL DO AS I COMMAND," Schrödinger then fell through the ceiling and landed on his stomach on top of the piano, which was covered in flypaper, "AND THAT CAT-THING'LL SING 'MEOW' TO THE TUNE OF JINGLE BELLS AT THE SAME TIME, LIKE IN THAT COMMERCIAL."
"Nya..?" Schrödinger was obviously confused.
"START." Aki cracked a whip in mid air, as the two European cool-people began to hastily follow their orders. Five minutes of horrible animal sounds and screeches on the piano follow along with the echo of Aki's cackling.
Whaht uv tha odder Millenyum?
Rip was outside, still, with the parasite latched upon her back. She was now scratching and whipping at Liz furiously with her rifle, then, in a blind rage, shouting.
"VHY VON'T JU DIIIIE?" Rip screamed, then fired her gun…
Only to have it explode in a mess of already chewed bubble gum.
Yes, here she was, involuntary white highlights, coved in gum, and carrying an extra 140 pounds of weight on her back. Rip collapsed to the ground, crying hysterically, looking at Doc and Zorin, "VHY HAWEN'T JU HELPED MEINSELF?"
Doc had lifted his finger up, but, at that moment, disappeared in a beam of white light. Zorin's eyes widened at the disappearance of her colleagues and was shaking in fear, when…
"I CAN FLYYYYYYYYYY." Ruka flew around above Zorin on a giant magic Narwhal, then, dove down, flipping once, landing on Zorin's head, cackling while stretching the mannish-Nazi's ears. She then pulled out a makeup kit, as a flock of flamingoes wearing Mr. T masks surrounded Zorin, pinning her arms and legs down to the ground. As you can guess because of this plots lack of intricacy, Ruka proceeds to barrage Zorin's tattooed face with makeup of whorish proportion.
Yep. Rip rolling about the grounds covered in gum and an army of flamingoes surrounding a whorish Nazi next to a smoking crater where a genetic genius once stood was the scene. I am perfectly happy with that.
Dahc's Lahbyranth Ahdventoore.
Doc reappeared in a dark room with a spotlight over him, missing his glasses. Joe's voice boomed over an intercom, "WELCOME TO MY LABYRINTH, DOCCO, AND YOUR MODERN LIFE."
Doc looked around, squinting. He tried to walk forward, but it was very hard, "Vhy ist it hard to valk?" He cried.
"Ah, yes… I captured that Pig-thing and tied him to a rolly-chair, that you happen to be pulling."
"Pig-zhing?" Doc sounded confused, but, there KRIEG was, strapped to the rolly-chair gently waving with one hand and holding a box of powdered donuts in the other.
"Hallo mein Doktor." Krieg politely stated.
"Vhat happened to Hans?" Doc asked.
"Tall dark and Nazi? Oh. I sent him to the north pole."
-At the north pole.-
Hans stands on an ice ledge in a crowd of squawking penguins, muttering a clearly satirical, "…"
-Back in England-
"Now, Doc," Joe started, "Get to the cheese at the end of the maze, utilizing the power of your AMAZING GERMAN NOOOOOOOOOOOOSE."
Doc whined and walked forward, bumping right into a wall, "OW GOTT!" He yelled and stumbled back, flipping over Krieg in a stupor, "GOTT DAME."
"Bwahahaha… kukuku… ufufufufu… MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA…" Joe cackles more.
Uh Huhnt Fer Mahxweall.
Enter Anderson. Our North-Scotland Vatican priest was getting mighty worried at the disappearance of Maxwell, so, he set out to investigate. He slowly approached the back entrance to Hellsing HQ, with his glasses reflecting in the dusk light. He went closer to the door when he stopped and lightly said to himself, "Whaht's thaht nooise?"
"HAJIMETE KIMI TO SHABETTAAAA!" A barrage of forks came from behind Anderson, violently pinning him to the ground face-down.
"WHAHT THA MEETY FOOK?" Anderson screeched. The door then busted apart, along with most of the surrounding wall… and out from it… was Aki, riding Schrödinger like a horse, pushing an enormous katamari in front of them towards Anderson, containing items such as:
A fridge.
A TV.
A couch.
Walter sitting at the piano, still playing.
Anderson was then rolled up like hell. Yep. Screaming n' all. Aki rolled the katamari around in circles for a few, then she stopped it to add Schrödinger to it and roll it back into the house. She then disappeared.
Whaht tha Hell..
Ah, yes. Integra was locked in a room filled with scores of tasteless crayon cakes sparkling with glitter, whilst teetering on the brink of insanity.
Alucard was bopping back and fourth trying to escape the might of possessed items in the mansion from the safety of a closet.
Seras isn't here because I ate her.
Maxwell had disappeared after being ravaged by a possessed sash.
Doc had an ever-growing Krieg behind him as he stumbled about a dark maze in a stupor equivalent to 3 weeks of binge drinking, being horribly affected in his speech.
Rip was cemented to a wall in hardened bubble gum.
Zorin was covered in whorish makeup.
Schrödinger, Walter, and Anderson were violently bouncing off the walls of the Hellsing Mansion whilst attached to an enormous sticky ball called a Katamari.
Hans was on an Iceberg.
How Are You Gentlemen.
The six strangers had all disappeared, leaving the Hellsing characters isolated and suffering in an almost perfect form of torment and torture, when suddenly, the complex shook at a horribly high mark on the Richter Scale. The characters were shuffled about like rag-dolls and all fell into well-placed steel chutes, collecting them in a single, round room.
Yes, they all poured out of the walls and landed into uncomfortable hard retrained chairs surrounding a massive holographic screen. Hans somehow was there, too.
"What happen?" Integra yelled. Doc, who was still in a horrible daze, replied.
"Somebody set us up the bomb!"
Then, the screen flickered. Liz, Aki, Ruka, Autteh, V, and Joe in the center appeared. Joe's hair was standing straight up and half his face was covered in metal. He sported a purple robe and began a familiar quote…
"How are you Gentlemen. All your base are belong to us. You are on the way to destruction."
"What you say?" Doc tried to question with the best grammar he could muster up at the moment.
"You have no chance to survive make your time." Joe stated, "Ha ha ha ha."
The world fades out with the end of Chapter 3…
LOLOMGWTFOMGWTFOMGWTFOMGWTFOMGWTFOMGWTFOMGLOL.
That's the best part of the installment, 'cause I wrote it. Back to the people from Ohio.