The following parody is based on the series WHR owned by Sunrise and Bandai.
This is based on another story I wrote named The Dark(er) Half. Unexpected, I know. You can find it listed in my profile.
The children quickly rushed to where the old woman sat and took their places upon the floor. A hush fell over the room as she opened the book she held. The woman smiled lovingly at her grandchildren gathered before her.
"Are you ready to hear an ancient tale full of amazement and awe?" she mysteriously began.
"Don't amazement and awe mean roughly the same thing in this context?" the oldest of the children asked perplexed.
"Well, yes actually. But that's neither here nor there." The old woman pursed her lips annoyed the young girl had stolen her thunder. "Anyway, I tell you now the continuing story of Amon, Robin and Bushtit as they face a new threat – the attack of the replicas!"
"But the last time you told this tale you said it was the attack of the similitude," a different girl piped up.
"Hey, didn't Grandma one time call the story Revenge of the Bushtit?" another girl inquired as she struck a thinking pose.
"Yeah," a boy spoke up in back, "and I think the time before that it was the attack of the doppelgangers (1)."
"What's a dumplegugger?" a small girl responded confused.
"Doppelganger," a boy in glasses corrected. "Let me get my dictionary."
"You carry a dictionary with you?"
"Yes. Now let me see. Huh. Doppelganger: a person or things that doppelgangs (2)." He frowned. "That's not right."
"I thought a doppelganger was your evil twin that no one else can see," the first girl who had spoken countered.
"Uh-uh," another boy shook his head. "In the video game I play, a doppelganger is a shapeshifter."
"Shh!" the youngest boy sitting in front seriously hissed as he pressed a finger to his lips.
"Thank you, dear." The old woman resumed her former monologue. "Now, as I was saying, this is a great tale of wonder – a story so magnificent, it will render you speechless and mute."
"Aren't speechless and mute –"
"Be quiet!"
Robin and Amon quickly made their way down the hall of the hospital. The two would usually have been thankful for the absence of Bushtit (3), but today they had a much larger problem at hand. A witch in the three's custody had escaped earlier that morning and none of them knew what became of the witch as he simply vanished while they dutifully stood guard.
Or, at least, that was the story Amon, Robin and Bushtit would have told if anyone else knew well enough to ask. The truth behind the tale was slightly different. The day began in much the same as it usually did, with the threesome ordered to watch a suspected witch restrained in a detention cell at Raven's Flat. While Robin left to retrieve her seventh cup of double-shot espresso for the day, Bushtit started flirting with Amon. Already a liberal consumer of coffee beverages, Robin's intake had drastically increased since the addition of her identical twin sister to the STN-J. Upon returning to the detention center, Robin found Bushtit attempting to canoodle with Amon. For his part, the hunter was frantically trying to shed himself of the parasite attached to his arm. Instantly incensed, Robin quietly launched into a tirade of how unprofessional it was to make advances on coworkers while on duty. Especially by one still underage she reminded, prying her sister from Amon. During the outpouring of mildly harsh words with a few lightly offensive terms thrown in here and there, Bushtit rolled her eyes in the direction of the detention cell.
"Hey, where'd he go?" she asked confused.
Robin and Amon spun towards the locked cell. It was indeed empty.
"What do we do now?" Robin whispered. "I don't even see how the witch escaped."
Amon thought for a moment. "We're not going to say a word about this to anyone."
The girls looked back towards him in disbelief.
"We're not going to say anything," he repeated slowly. "We're going to go out and track this witch down ourselves and return him to the cell before anyone realizes what happened.
"Will that work, Amon?" Robin looked up at the dark attractive hunter, a hint of doubt upon her face. She remained slightly unsure that this plan would prove successful. If Amon thought it would work, however, so could she. In Robin's eyes, Amon was a hero who saved her from death on multiple occasions. Although, come to think of it, Amon was responsible for several of those incidents. Hadn't she been afraid of him before specifically because it seemed so likely that Amon would eventually hunt her as well? Wasn't she supposed to be preoccupied with the escaped witch and not how Amon had doggedly pursued her all those months ago? Robin shook her head at this and returned her focus back to Amon's handsome face. She inwardly sighed. He is so dreamy.
"You actually want us to track down this witch again?" Bushtit asked uncertainly. "It was hard enough to capture him the first time without killing him."
"Actually, Bushtit, you're going to stay here and distract the other STN-J members from realizing the prisoner has escaped."
"How do I do that?"
Amon scratched his head as he searched for a diplomatic way to tell the young witch that she annoyed the hell out of everyone. "You…just have a way with people…that distracts them…from the task at hand," he said haltingly, hoping she would accept his words at face value.
Bushtit cocked her head and gave Amon a quizzical look. "Huh?"
Amon tried again. "What I mean to say is, you have a knack for turning the attention of a room towards you."
"Did you just use the word knack?"
"Oh, gosh darn it!" Robin interjected. "He means you can be annoying."
"Oh." Bushtit suddenly frowned. "Hey, wait. I'm not annoying!" she whined.
Amon ran a hand over his face as he rolled his eyes. "Just go upstairs and keep everyone occupied. It shouldn't take us long to find the witch. There are not many places he could get to so quickly."
Bushtit grudgingly headed for the elevator. Robin let out a sigh of relief as her twin passed out of view. She had always wanted a sister while growing up an only child in the convent. As a young girl, she envisioned them sharing secrets in a garden or giggling together in bed as they tried to fall asleep. The facsimile known as Bushtit had squashed that dream the moment she arrived. Robin now just wanted her antithetical twin to pack her bags and fly away from her life and psychopathic, yet very attractive, witch hunting partner.
Searching the city by vehicle, Amon and Robin could not find a solitary clue as to the witch's whereabouts no matter how hard they looked. Amon reluctantly began to suspect they might not be able to find the witch without some sort of additional assistance. Robin hesitantly mentioned that Michael could possibly help. Still loath to involve anyone else, Amon obstinately refused. Robin gave him a wearied look before gazing back out the car's window. Amon could be so stubborn sometimes, though Robin was attracted to him enough to overlook such a small fault.
In a stroke of luck, a call arrived about a witch seriously injured in a bizarre accident and taken to the neighborhood hospital. The description Michael relayed sounded remarkably similar to that of the missing witch. Amon grabbed the communicator from Robin's hand.
"We'll go to the hospital now to check it out."
"Hey, aren't you supposed to be guarding that witch in the detention center?"
"Uh, yes. Robin will stay behind while I go to the hospital."
"But the GPS says Robin's communicator is moving at 120 km/h down a highway."
"Damn it, Michael! Everything's taken care of." Amon rudely hung up the communicator as Robin's face displayed bewilderment at his flustered behaviour.
"Wow. That was odd," Michael commented, hanging up the phone. Looking around, he saw the other STN-J members weren't listening. Goddamn self-absorbed hunters," he mumbled under his breath.
"What did Michael say about the witch's injuries?" Amon asked of Robin, handing her the communication device.
"The hospital was unable to determine what exactly happened to the man. The witch releases a mild sonar signal anytime a doctor approaches."
"Like a sonar ping used by the navy?"
"No," Robin said slowly. "Apparently, it's much more similar to that of a whale or dolphin."
Amon turned away from watching the road long enough to give her a disbelieving look. "Robin, are you positive Michael wasn't joking? You do have a penchant for being easily duped."
"No, I think Michael was telling the truth," she replied defensively, then frowned. "Do we even know what the escaped witch's craft is?"
"Solomon could not identify this witch's power. That was the reason they ordered us to take him in alive instead of turning him into orbo like we do with the rest of the witches."
Robin nodded. "I see."
They shortly arrived at the hospital to behold a rather large commotion. Making their way through the maze of identical hospital hallways, the two hunters silently prayed that this would be their missing witch. Robin and Amon began to hear a strange noise emanating from the room directly ahead. To both it was a lilting otherworldly sound punctuated with odd squeals. Amon looked flabbergasted.
"It really does sound like a humpback whale."
"Actually, Amon, that song more closely resembles that of a Southern Right whale. A humpback whale has a much more pleasant edge when it reaches the upper registers (4)."
Before Amon could inquire as to how Robin knew so much about the calls of whales, a series of sudden sharp sound bursts reverberated through the hallway. A doctor staggered from the room holding his hand to his bleeding ear (5).
"Damn witch exploded my eardrums!" he angrily shouted.
Amon rushed first into the room gun drawn with Robin closely behind. Inside, they found a man in a hospital gown cowering in a corner with his back to them. Amon carefully aimed his gun at the witch.
"Stand up slowly and prepare to come with us," he ordered.
Without a backwards glance, a distinct and very loud clicking noise sent Amon flying into the wall behind, knocking the orbo gun from his hand. Robin quickly reached into her trademark red coat – by now disgustingly dirty as she was too busy to buy a second or clean the first – and pulled out her glasses. She steeled herself as she waited for the next sonic blast. She was not disappointed. Realizing his attack failed, the witch glanced over his shoulder to look at the young hunter. Robin gasped.
"Amon! It's not him! This isn't the escaped witch!"
Amon, still partially stunned from hitting the wall, attempted to regain his defensive position. He squinted towards the witch and let out a rather long string of expletives when he saw Robin was correct. In response, the witch sent another series of clicks towards Amon. Robin attempted to block the oncoming blast with her fire blast but was a moment too late. She watched in horror as Amon again hit the wall. Robin glared furiously at the witch.
"You will pay for hurting Amon!" she quietly declared.
She sent a barrage of flames towards the witch who effortlessly deflected them with his sonic power. Robin looked dumbfounded as the witch smirked. Robin's shield held momentarily as another series of clicks hit her, but the witch attacked far stronger than she anticipated. Her shield subsequently collapsed and the force of the sonic burst pushed her back into a cluster of medical supplies on a rolling table. She fell to the floor with a wail while the witch let out a squeal of victory. His moment of success was short-lived, however, as Amon fired off an entire round of orbo bullets into the witch at close range.
Robin stood up and looked at the unconscious witch bewildered. "Wasn't that a little much?"
"No," he tersely replied. Amon was pissed. He had a reputation to maintain and no Southern Right whale-sound-producing-freak would destroy it. "Let's go."
"What about the witch?" Robin asked as she struggled to keep up with Amon.
"We'll leave him. He won't be going anywhere for awhile."
Bushtit hovered over Karasuma's desk watching her type up a report. The veteran hunter attempted to keep her outward appearance neutral but was quickly failing, as she became increasingly more annoyed. The young witch continued to linger oblivious to the older woman's growing impatience.
"Wow, Japanese is so fascinating," Bushtit remarked as she read over Karasuma's shoulder.
The hunter glanced over to Doujima at her side with a beseeching look. The blonde continued reading her fashion magazine, conveniently ignoring the silent plea of help. She had already dealt with the bothersome cockroach for the past hour. Sakaki had no intention of helping either as Bushtit had harassed him before Doujima. Michael glanced over to the hunters before grumpily returning to his hacking. Robin's clone didn't actually bother him much, but Michael was incensed since the others had begun ignoring him. They could deal with the irritating girl all on their own without any interference from him. Michael inwardly hoped Bushtit would continue her exceptionally bothersome actions the rest of the day.
Kosaka grumpily walked into the room. "Alright, I see Bushtit, now where are Amon and Robin? I need to speak with you three on how to get that witch transferred to the Factory."
Michael opened his mouth to answer, but Bushtit spoke first. "They're with the witch in the detention center. I'll go get them."
With a look of incredulity, Michael stared at her a moment before returning to his computer. He shook his head. If no one wanted to listen to him, then he wouldn't say a word to contradict the young witch. Michael frowned at his computer as he clicked the button to close an open window. Seven more windows instantly popped up in its place. How was it the STN-J could afford orbo, little business card makers and communicators with tiny windows one could peer into and read streaming data, but they couldn't afford one of those nifty little pop-up blockers? Bureaucrats.
"Sakaki, go with her," Kosaka ordered.
"Oh, it's okay," Bushtit countered quickly. "I can do it myself."
"Yeah, boss," Sakaki agreed. "She can go get Amon and Robin on her own."
"I need you to watch the witch while the others are up here speaking with me."
Grumbling, Sakaki grudgingly rose from his chair and joined an increasingly jittery Bushtit. "Let's go," he conceded.
The two made their way down to the first floor by means of the elevator. As they neared the door of the detention center, Bushtit imagined ways she could possibly distract Sakaki before he noticed the witch had escaped. She was pretty sure Amon and Robin were still looking for the missing witch since she had not received a call from either. Bushtit finally decided she would knock Sakaki over the head with a heavy object as he went to peer into the cell. Furtively, she began to scan the area for a suitably blunt item.
"What are you doing?" Sakaki asked suspiciously.
"Nothing," she responded with the most innocent look she could muster - which wasn't much.
He gave her a strange look before placing a hand on the doorknob. In a last ditch effort, Bushtit grabbed Sakaki by his other arm and spun him towards her. He looked down in surprise.
"You know I really like you, right?"
"What?" he hollered, yanking his arm from her grasp. "This is no time for games. We need to take Robin and Mr. Amon to see Kosaka now."
Irritated, he turned to open the door. Bushtit frantically looked for a weapon as Sakaki entered the detention center. Have to do something quickly.
"Hey, where are Amon and Robin?" she heard him ask confused.
Walking into the room Bushtit froze as her eyes fell on the witch sitting on the bed in the cell. Her shock was quickly replaced by rising anger. Those goddamned bastards didn't even bother to tell me they had found the witch! Bushtit retreated from the room and began to call Robin. She let out a long string of obscenities as soon as her twin answered the phone.
"Bushtit, is that you?" Robin asked in surprise.
"Why didn't you tell me you had already found the missing witch?" she angrily hissed.
"What! What are you talking about? We didn't find him. The witch at the hospital Michael told us about wasn't him."
"But the guy's back in his cell," Bushtit responded confused. She heard soft murmuring as Robin quickly conferred with Amon.
"We're on our way right now."
Barely six minutes after Bushtit hung up her communicator, the door of the detention center opened. Robin and Amon appeared looking sufficiently out of breath. Bushtit glanced over relieved that she could stop incoherently attempting to explain the two's mysterious disappearance. Understanding flew over Sakaki's face as his eyes landed on the hunters.
"I see. While you two were supposed to be watching the witch, you thought it'd be okay to shirk your responsibilities and sneak off alone together? Then you guys get Robin's sister to cover for you?"
Instantly, Robin's face tuned bright red from embarrassment while Amon's turned white from horror.
"No," he exclaimed frantically. "We just momentarily stepped out so I could show Robin how to cock my pistol, I mean handle my weapon, I mean…oh goddamn it, it's not what you think!"
"Right," Sakaki replied, obviously unconvinced.
Amon angrily strode past Sakaki and Bushtit into the detention room. He heard her call out from behind. "That Kosaka guy wants to speak with us upstairs about transferring the witch to the Factory."
Amon barely acknowledged her as he spoke. "Sakaki, tell Kosaka we'll be there in a minute."
"But –"
"Just do it."
As soon as the young hunter had left – muttering the whole way – Amon leaned forward and examined the witch.
"How did you get back in your cell?" he asked menacingly.
The witch looked taken aback. "I haven't gone anywhere."
Amon narrowed his eyes suspiciously. "What do you mean? We all saw the empty cell."
The witch stared blankly at the imposing figure in front of him before his face brightened. "Well, I did fall asleep."
"And?"
"I turn invisible," he responded easily.
Amon stared back in disbelief. Robin hesitantly made her way towards the cell.
"You become invisible when you sleep?" she reiterated.
"Yeah," he looked down glumly. "It's a pretty useless power."
"But how did you fall asleep while we were arguing?"
"Oh, well, you see, I grew up in a troubled home. To this day, any time I hear a long, drawn out argument I instantly fall asleep." He continued, oblivious to their disconcerted faces. "Thanks, though. I really needed to get some rest. I had been working way too hard at my job recently."A Few Notes (so we don't have another incident like The Dark(er) Half):
(1) Attack of the Doppelgangers was to be the original title of this story until a certain husband just had to point out that doppelganger is not a synonym for clone. This led to the ensuing argument over the description of doppelganger. Too bad; I liked this title much better. :-(
(2) This is not an actual dictionary entry for doppelganger. The word is derived from German.
(3) An actual bird found in North America. The description Doujima gives in The Dark(er) Half is from information I discovered on the Internet. I had a moment of panic after I wrote TDH when I was unable to find the bird listed in my Audubon Field Guide. Although, now that I'm looking at the book, I see it's for the Eastern Region (smacks head). Anyway, I relaxed after I located some info on the net. I had no idea what I'd do if Bushtit wasn't a real bird. By that point, Robin's sister had to be Bushtit. I couldn't think of any other name that would do her justice.
Addendum: So, I was looking for the fanficrant to put a link on my site and was surprised to read that Bushtit had already been mentioned as a possible name for Robin's twin. I don't have any recollection of this at all. Originally, I had thought about Titmouse when I first read the rant, but decided against using the name specifically because someone else had already mentioned the bird. I either didn't see it and really did think of Bushtit on my own or I did read it and subconsciously filed the name away in my brain. I'm so lame.
(4) It is difficult to accurately describe the varying songs of different whale species. I choose Southern Right whale because that was the only other whale I could remember that sort of resembled a Humpback.
(5) It has been documented that Sperm whales have the ability to render prey insensible just with their sonar noises. Many divers and scientists have first hand experience to attest to the validity of this claim.
Next time
Chapter Two: Simulacrum