The following parody is based on the series WHR owned by Sunrise and Bandai.
Not long after the missing witch incident, Michael sat busily typing away at his computer in the main STN-J office. He frowned when an urgent e-mail from Solomon headquarters arrived on his screen. Clicking on the spinning envelope icon, the message opened, along with five other new windows. Michael attempted the close the window on top, only for two more pop up in its place. Swearing to himself, the young hacker proceeded to spend the next three minutes closing windows on his computer. Michael eventually gave up his futile efforts and clicked on the original e-mail window.
"That's really weird," he remarked as he read the message. "Hey guys, look at this."
Michael turned to survey the pandemonium behind him when none of the hunters responded to his comment. Sakaki had made the unfortunate mistake of mentioning Doujima's obsession with mobile phone accessories and she did not take it well. The arguement had escalated to the point that Karasuma needed to step in and attempt to negotiate a peace treaty between the two. So far, though, she had not proved successful. Amon, seated at his desk beside Michael, had laid his head upon his desk, wishing he could be anywhere else. The two twins behind him obliviously quibbled amongst themselves over who was the better Tetris player.
"Two twins, Grandma? Isn't that redundant?"
"Yes, it is, dear."
Michael tried again. "Hey, we just received a strange e-mail from Solomon HQ. Isn't anyone interested in what it says?"
Again, no one noticed the young hacker's attempts to attract their attention. Michael turned back to his computer striving to remain calm. He closed the e-mail window only to have four new windows open. This proved to be the last straw. Michael angrily stood up and turned around.
"You know what? I do a very important job around here for you guys. Once upon a time, not too long ago, you all used to appreciate what I did. Now, none of you even seem to realize I still work at the STN-J."
Michael watched in outrage as the hunters continued quarreling without the hint of an acknowledgement.
"Fine. Screw all of you guys. I'm going home."
Without a backward glance, Michael left the office early that day.
"Robin! You're late!" Doujima shouted as the girl appeared in the office the following morning. "We need to begin the briefing."
"Jeez, Doujima," Sakaki said as he looked up from his game boy. "What's gotten into you? You're the one who's always late around here."
"I am not!" she angrily insisted.
"What do you call arriving to the office at least an hour late everyday?"
The girl looked confused as the two young hunters began to argue over Doujima's incessant lateness. She opened her mouth to speak just as Karasuma and Amon presently returned from a meeting in the administrator's office. The young witch gave a glance over her shoulder, face flushing when she caught sight of Amon. Quickly, she looked back to the floor.
"Robin, where's Bushtit?" Karasuma asked. The girl looked up and again opened her mouth, but Doujima broke in before she could reply.
"Oh, that girl is always late. We'll start the briefing and Robin will fill her in later." The blonde roughly shoved the young hunter in the direction of the briefing room.
The hunters filed into the darkened briefing room just as Kosaka huffily arrived. The STN-J really needed a private elevator for his new administrator office – the stairs were killing him. A few minutes after the briefing commenced, a pair of female voices softly drifted in from the main office. Everyone turned to give a collective stare of disbelief as Robin and Bushtit appeared in the doorway. Bushtit shrieked while Robin's eyes grew wide when they caught sight of the familiar girl sitting in Robin's seat.
"A-another one?" the genuine Robin gasped.
Bushtit's face clouded in anger. "What the fu –"
"Bushtit!" Kosaka roared. "Please be more considerate of your new twin – uh – I mean triplet!"
"As I tried to tell you yesterday," Michael began, "Solomon HQ sent us another hunter."
"You knew there was going to be another Robin-clone and you didn't say anything?" Sakaki asked surprised.
"No I did't know and I was dealing with a barrage of pop-up windows at the time!" Michael exclaimed. "I couldn't find much information either except her age, power, a little of her background and – wait – no one was listening anyway!"
"Alright already," Sakaki replied holding up his hands. "We all know how bad those pop-ups are."
"Hey Robby-clone, what's your name?" Doujima asked rudely as she leaned towards Robin number three.
All eyes in the room immediately shifted to the young witch. She began to fidget, obviously uncomfortable at being the center of attention.
"Um, well," she began so softly everyone leaned forward to hear more clearly.
"My name is Dickcissel Sena."
"Dickcissel (1)?" Doujima exclaimed doubtfully.
"What is it, Doujima?" Karasuma asked.
"Why did someone name you after a bird resembling a miniature meadowlark found in the Midwest region of North America?"
"When exactly did you become an ornithologist?" Sakaki inquired.
"Actually, she wouldn't be named after a bird but rather Dickcissel Caton, famed Maori Imam of the Snails (2)," Robin corrected.
"You made that up," Karasuma flatly asserted. Robin may have fooled everyone else with that Bushtit Jones (3) crap, but not her. No siree.
Robin looked indignant. "I am not. If you had paid more attention to your training at Solomon, you also would be aware of such important historical figures."
"Are there really Imams for snails (4)?" Kosaka quietly inquired of a baffled Hattori.
Dickcissel stole a quick glance at Amon, blushing furiously when she caught his eye. Amon moaned as he put his face in his hands. First, Touko and Robin, then Bushtit and now Dickcissel. It was official: God hated him. No man should have this much trouble with women – or girls – or witches, whatever the hell they were. At least he still had his car. His lovely, shiny, black car.
"So what's your power, Silmarillion (5)?" Bushtit hostilely demanded, her arms crossed over her chest.
"I think you mean simulacrum (6)," her sister corrected.
"My craft is the element of air," Dickcissel replied in a whisper.
"Wow," Sakaki remarked. "She's even more subdued than Robin."
"No kidding," Doujima agreed.
"Welcome to the STN-J, Dickcissel," Kosaka officially greeted. "I'm sure you've already heard of orbo. Would you be interested in using it on hunts?"
The young witch looked back bewildered. "Isn't that extracted from witches you capture? I thought the STN-J no longer used orbo."
"Get used to it, honey," Karasuma said leaning conspiratorially towards Dickcissel. "You're living in the twilight zone now."
The meeting over, the hunters filed out of the briefing room towards their desk. Robin quickly headed over to the coffeepot by the window. She usually preferred double or triple shots of espresso, but regular brewed coffee would do in a pinch. And Robin definitely needed a quick boost after discovering she had yet another unknown and identical sibling.
Doujima cast a worried glance towards Karasuma, who gave a knowing look in return. Robin had developed a very serious problem. The members of the STN-J were becoming more worried as Robin's coffee addiction grew out of control. They knew she had always enjoyed the bitter beverage, but since Bushtit's arrival, her consumption had skyrocketed. With the revelation of yet another sibling, they collectively worried they might find Robin dead one morning lying drowned in a pool of coffee. A couple of weeks prior to Dickcissel's arrival, the STN-J had attempted an intervention with dismal results. Robin had, of course, denied she had a coffee addiction and questioned how such an addiction, if one had it, to a substance as wonderful as coffee could be bad. The group, giving up momentarily, now awaited their next chance to broach the subject.
Having returned from the coffeepot, Bushtit and Robin began to squabble over who would sit in the only chair for the day. Headquarters had still not sent the STN-J another desk so the two continued to share a desk. Bushtit usually sat in the solitary chair since she was the only one who ever bothered to use the computer. If Robin needed any information about a case, she would simply hover over the shoulder of either Michael or Amon. Today, however, Robin needed to type up a report for the previous night's case and thus needed to sit in the lone chair. Dickcissel hesitantly approached the two.
"What are your crafts?" she quietly inquired.
"My craft is the power of water and Robin here has the power of fire," Bushtit replied for the both of them.
"Is this true?" she whispered. "Your personalities appear reversed for your crafts."
"Would you like us to show you our powers?" Bushtit menaced as Robin glared.
Dickcissel's eyes widened in response. "I didn't mean to offend you."
Robin immediately softened while Bushtit continued to remain hostile. "It's all right."
"Robin," Amon called, walking up to the recently reunited triplets. "I need to speak with you."
Dickcissel blushed and averted her eyes again as Amon neared to retrieve Robin. Noticing her reaction, he inwardly sighed and fiercely wished he didn't have to deal with so many clones. Robin happily walked towards the brooding dark hunter while Bushtit appeared upset to be left behind. Before Amon and Robin could leave, though, the clone shyly looked towards them.
"What is your craft, Amon?"
"I don't have one," he icily replied. "I'm a seed."
"Oh, come on, Amon," Doujima called out from behind a magazine. "We all know what your power is."
"What are you talking about, Doujima," he asked annoyed.
"Actually, she's right," Karasuma ageed, smiling. "You have the ability to determine the exact prescription necessary for people with vision problems."
Amon scowled.
"You should have been an obstetrician," Bushtit said seriously.
"I think you mean an optometrist," Sakaki piped up from his desk. "You've already helped, Robin, Bushtit, Kosaka and Miss Karasuma. That's some ability you have there."
"If, uh, Dickcissel here is like the other two, then she will need a glasses prescription as well," Doujima interjected. "You better get started so we don't have another incident reminiscent of the twins."
She was, of course, referring to the many occasions where Robin and Bushtit had, early in their hunting careers at the STN-J, many accidents involving their crafts missing the intended targets. Amon turned on his heel and made his way to the exit, irritated by his comrades' banter.
"Robin," he repeated impatiently and hurriedly left the room before someone else poked fun at his latent ability. Growing up, he always had the uncanny knack to predict one's glasses prescription. He couldn't help his bizarre gift and shouldn't be made fun of because of it. Inwardly, however, Amon secretly hoped his dormant craft was something more exciting and befitting of a hunter like himself. It would be an ironic twist of fate if his craft was some lame parlor trick.
Robin hurried to catch up to Amon's side, thankful to be alone with him for once. She looked to his strong profile, watching the way his chin jutted out against the backdrop and how his hair flowed as he steadily walked down the hallway. The way his – her line of thought immediately ceased as Amon snapped his head to look down at her.
"What are you doing?" he asked, paranoid she was having some sort of inappropriate fantasy of him.
"N-nothing," she stammered as her face flushed. Robin desperately hoped Amon didn't realize she was having improper thoughts about him. Entering the elevator she looked up to him. "What did you want to speak to me about?"
The two descended to the bottom floor of Raven's flat in silence with Amon lost in thought. Approaching the well, he turned to face Robin. "Tell me again what Father Juliano explained to you about yourself and Bushtit."
"He assured me that Toudou only gave him one child. I was that child. Father Juliano seemed shocked when I spoke of Bushtit and said he would look into the matter."
"Did Juliano say anything about Maria carrying more than one child?"
Robin frowned. "No, but I didn't get the impression that he knew of any other children besides myself."
Amon looked towards the elevator as he folded his arms across his chest. After a moment of thinking, he looked back at Robin. Her heart skipped a beat when their eyes connected.
"How would you explain the sudden appearance of Bushtit and, uh, Dickcissel, then?"
Robin shrugged. "I don't know. I'm already so confused about Bushtit that I'm not sure what to think about Dickcissel."
"They're evidently related to you somehow."
"Yes, I think that's rather obvious, Amon."
"For now, we'll just keep an eye on them. I want you to go back upstairs and show Dickcissel around the STN-J. Also, make sure Bushtit isn't too mean to her. I need to speak with Michael now about something."
"Amon, could I ask you a question before you leave?" Robin hesitantly inquired.
"What is it?" he answered cautiously. Questions that began this way from Robin always made him nervous.
'When Bushtit first arrived to the STN-J, you had much difficulty telling us apart. Now, you don't have any trouble at all. Why is that?"
Amon froze. It was true that he had initially been unable to tell them apart and thereafter endeavored the week following Bushtit's arrival to discover some sort of mark to distinguish one from the other. Amon had searched their faces for moles or other birthmarks. Nothing. He looked over their gothic dress-covered bodies for slight variations. Nothing. (Most likely, Amon's search would have been made easier if the girls didn't insist on wearing such long bulky clothing.) He had come to a realization one day while lamenting the situation that there was one noticeable difference between the two. Bushtit had larger, erm, breasts than Robin. It actually made some sense given the girl's name. Now, anytime he couldn't tell which twin to whom he spoke, Amon would take a simple small glance between both of the girls and he had his answer. Amon didn't usually have a problem telling them apart when they were with him individually since their personalities were then more easily recognizable. He wasn't about to tell this to Robin, however. The addition of the other two girls already strained the situation between them enough. Amon distractedly wondered if the promise he made to Robin in Zaizan's office applied to her identical siblings as well. He realized she was still looking up at him with large questioning green eyes and quickly thought of a lame excuse.
"Your personality is apparent enough to distinguish you from Bushtit. It was actually rather easy."
Amon relaxed when Robin nodded. He was relieved she had taken it at face value knowing that Bushtit would not have been so easily convinced and would have proceeded to pester him with questions until he cracked. Amon quickly sent her to look for her sisters before she thought to ask any more questions. He returned to the main office in search Michael.
"Pretty strange, isn't it?" Michael asked as Amon sat down at his desk.
"Yes. There's something that's bothering me about this situation, though."
"I know what you mean." Michael, momentarily distracted, attempted to close a new window. Succeeding, he returned his attention to Amon. "We now have three Robins with three different elemental crafts. All we're missing now is the element of earth."
"I want you to look into this for me. First, I want to know why there are so many Robins. Then, I want to know why Solomon sent us Bushtit and Dickcissel. Also, I need to know how these other Robins fit into Toudou's plan."
"Alright, I'll do it," Michael nodded. "I'll also expect another hunter to be sent from HQ in the near future."
"Good." Amon glanced over his shoulder as the three analogous girls returned to the office. It was as though they were different sides of one person. They had identical features and clothing, about identical mannerisms, and three distinct yet similar personalities. Bushtit caught Amon's glance and returned a coy smile. The other two followed the direction of Bushtit's gaze, smiling slightly when their eyes landed upon Amon. He quickly turned away with a grimace. He was another thing they all had in common.
More Notes (jeez, I shouldn't have to do this):
(1) An actual bird found in North America. They're kind of cute. The description comes from the Audubon Field Guide to North American Birds: Eastern Region. Other potential candidates for Miss Dickcissel Sena were crow, nuthatch and ovenbird. I'm glad I found Dickcissel, aren't you?
(2) Dickcissel Caton, famed Maori Imam of the Snails IS NOT A REAL OR FICTIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE. I happened to be listening to Tori Amos while I was writing and the name came to me since Steve Caton used to be one of her guitarists. Now, on to the nonsensical obscure famous dude. I first thought he would be the Sudanese Imam of the Elephants. Hmm, wait, most Sudanese are Muslim. Okay, how about those aboriginal guys who live in Australia or New Zealand? Yeah, the Maori people of New Zealand! All right, the Maori Imam of the Elephants. Elephants? Nah, let's go for something more unexpected, like, let's see – SNAILS! Yay! Dickcissel Caton is the famed Maori Imam of the Snails. Makes sense, right? No? Well, you're just weird.
(3) Bushtit Jones, ancient Inuit prince of the Narwhals IS NOT A REAL OR FICTIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE EITHER. Come on, I had Karasuma back in The Dark(er) Half say like three or four different things to point out the absurdity of the name. Jones kind of came out of nowhere, just some blah Western name (I'll point out here that Claire Jones is only a pen name, so no Mary Sue references intended – not that I'm even remotely similar to Bushtit). The prince part comes from the same fanficrants post that started this whole parody thing. Someone suggested the bird called a kinglet for the name of Robin's identical sister since Robin is named after Robin Goodfellow, king of the witches. On to the fun part. I first thought of the Navajo and paired them with narwhals. Narwhals are pretty cool; they're the unicorns of the sea! My second thought was that the Navajo and the Narwhal were a little too far apart geographically and maybe a bit too strange even for this nonsense. Hmm, what about Eskimos? Let's call them by their more correct tribal name of Inuit instead. There you go: that's how I came up with the legendary Bushtit Jones, ancient Inuit prince of the Narwhals. Did that one make a little more sense? Still no? What's wrong with you guys?
(4) Sadly, there are neither Imams for snails nor snail Imams.
(5) Title of the Tolkein book published posthumously. I haven't read it, so I don't know anything about the book.
(6) An actual word with a defintion similar to clone or replica. Kind of means something like a defective clone. I briefly considered entitling this story Attack of the Simulacrums before deciding the definition was not exactly what I wanted.
Next up
Chapter Three: The Power of Four