Obscenely long Author's Note of an opening:
This is a one-shot lengthy parody of the poorly-translated dialogue found in the game Zero Wing. You know – All Your Base Are Belong To Us? Yeah, I realize the thing has been done to death, fanfic or otherwise, but I felt like it and frankly I don't see how you're going to stop me. :D And you'll see, as you read on, the idea began slipping from my mind as I continued writing, and it finishes dwindling down to this little pooball of an ending, which I apologize for, but…maybe you won't hang around long enough to see it. XD Ah well!
The characters (kekeke now who did I steal this 'the characters' idea from? XD): Cortex, N. Gin, N. Brio and N. Tropy. Coco and Aku-Aku have lines (Crash and Crunch don't say anything), and a few others such as Dingodile and Ripper Roo are mentioned. But it's mainly those first four. And also, except for when Cortex refers to them by their shorter nicknames, the latter three ALWAYS have the 'N.' in their names. Always. Because I'm psycho like that. HW says: I know you can deal. :D
Now I have to tell you how little I know about the Crash universe. w I've only played (and adored!) Crash Twinsanity, and just started Crash Nitro Kart. N. Brio has speech impediment? Well, I know nothing about that, so it's not in here. Do I know what Cortex uses most often for his base? Heck no, so I used the Iceberg Lab found in Twinsanity. Where the heck did N. Tropy come from and why? Err, haven't played that game, so he's just…hangin' out there. Does he have a British accent? Uh…runs away Can HW remember what the Psychotron looks like? What, do you think I have a photographic memory? So the colors and such may be off for the P-tron. Cut me a little slack, I'm a beginner when it comes to everything Crash Bandicoot, okay:3
Note for the whole Zero Wing thing: some lines will look and sound wrong. Example: "What happen"? It's actual game dialogue, so that's what it's supposed to be. XD You can rest assured that any mistakes I make in here are purposeful (though I probably made some unintentional mistakes too. o.o; ). And also, I've never played the game. And ALSO also, I made up a completely random plot, if you could call it that, and you might observe that the ending does not tie up looses ends and whatnot. Again, deal. One-shot, I repeat! At this point, I don't much care, I'm fine with what I pulled out my arse. XD
I don't own anything except for the initial idea of mixing Zero Wing and Crash in the way that I did. XD; I don't own anything Crash-related. The character/enemy Skud belongs to HAL. You know, Kirby. Blatant Harry Potter reference – HP belongeth to JK Rowling. No spoilers, don't worry, I'm cool like that (i.e. lazy because she hasn't read the book).
IT STARTS
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In A.D. two-thou– aw heck, it doesn't really matter; Crash and co. never cared enough to learn the date and Cortex didn't like the constant reminder of how many years he's failed to destroy the bandicoots. So the date's unimportant. Regardless, in that year, war was beginning. Then again, Cortex has declared war on Crash many times before so that's probably not much of a surprise to you. Anyway…
Dr. Neo Cortex sat in the Psychotron room of his Iceberg Lab, hunched over a newly-installed desk, eyes rapidly scanning the book he was reading. It was so engrossing, it deserved to be lying flat on a desk and not propped up on his knee in a comfortable chair were he would probably fall asleep. He had to figure out who the half-blood prince was! Why, N. Tropy was probably speeding up time so he himself could read ahead and figure it out before the twisted scientist could. Well. There was no way in heck Cortex would let that happen. He poured over the pages as fast as his mind would let him, and was about to finish a particularly tense chapter when there came a loud pounding on the door. Cortex jerked his head up in surprise at the sound of the gears whirring and clinking, and hardly noticed the flashing, writhing energy of the Psychotron flicker and spasm for a split-second.
"Cortex!" N. Gin gasped, stabilizing himself by placing a hand on either side of the metal door frame. Apparently he had been running like the wind and was greatly out of breath as he tried to relay his message. "The compu-"
"Excuse me, N. Gin." A smaller man squeezed past the mechanic and into the room, with an equally anxious expression on his face. Cortex was up and out of his seat by now staring at the two in irritation, arms crossed and eyebrows pulled down angrily. N. Tropy ducked into the room behind N. Gin, and the three approached their higher-up with great concern written upon their features. Even N. Tropy looked rather agitated. They were circled around in front of the doctor's desk, unconsciously obscuring the glitching Psychotron from view.
"What happen?" Cortex demanded. He placed his hands on the desk and leaned towards them, eyes narrowed, scrutinizing his minions. N. Gin was about to say something when N. Brio stepped forward nervously.
"Someone has hacked into the computer's mainframe," he stated, "and we can't figure out where the source is coming from! We know for certain it's not Coco's laptop, as our heightened security systems are now able to reveal these things."
N. Gin shook his head. "But that's not the worst of it. The upgraded system discovered something else, something that you reeeeaaally need to hear about…" he drew out that last bit for dramatic tension.
Cortex raised a brow. "And…?"
"Somebody set us up the bomb!" N. Gin pounded a shaking fist on the table in dark excitement, the idea of explosives clearly going to his already-injured head.
Cortex's eyes grew to the size of dinner plates. "What! How! The security cameras should have picked it up! Why didn't we see an intruder before!" Oh, he was steamed now. Not only had their computers been hacked, and they had a bomb sitting over their heads or under their feet, he wouldn't be able to finish Harry Potter any time soon.
"Cortex, we don't even know where it's at. Just that it's around here somewhere. It could be on the very top of the lab for all the information we've found." N. Tropy stated. "There didn't have to be an intruder." Still, the idea gave him the goosebumps.
"Curses! It's that meddling bandicoot, I know it!" The doctor slammed his own fist on to the table, making the thick book jump.
"Psh, Crash doesn't know how to make a bomb, let alone remote detonate it." N. Gin muttered, clearly miffed at the idea of being upstaged by an animal.
N. Tropy nodded in agreement, and N. Brio did as well, only the flashing of a warning signal on the computer console to their left caught his attention and he hurried over to it. All but Cortex uneasily crowded around the screen as N. Brio worked the keyboard, fingers flying. The diminutive man nearly yelped at what the computer told him, and he snapped around to face Cortex.
"We get signal." he said, doing a poor job of masking the nervousness in his voice.
"What!" Cortex fumed, and now that it was unobscured from his view, he saw the Psychotron in front of him flickering and spasming at a frightfully rapid pace. His partners, aghast, observed it as well. The energy seemed to be coming together at select points within its chamber, and as the humans watched, it began to take the form of the outline of a rectangle. Pink electricity zipped between concentrated sparks, and N. Brio understood what it was, and pressed a button on the console.
"Main screen turn on."
A holographic image appeared in the middle of the rectangular energy outline, giving it a sort of television screen-like appearance.
"It's You!" Cortex hollered, gripping the front edge of the desk furiously.
The image was that of Crash Bandicoot, holding a sign that read, upside down, in large black letters, "How are you gentlemen!" N. Gin bent over sideways in an attempt to read the sign.
"What do you want, bandicoot?" N. Tropy inquired, taking the words (and leaving behind some curses) right out of Cortex's mouth. N. Brio nodded, giving a questioning glance to what Crash held. Suddenly, a shape came flying into the hologram, bashing Crash in the face. Crash comically flopped backward, dropping the placard in the process. It was Coco, who had just owned her brother with a flying karate kick. She turned and sweetly addressed the motley crew outside the image without a second glance to her kin.
"All your base are belong to us." Coco said simply, twirling a lock of hair with a cute little know-it-all grin upon her face.
"What the- how DARE you!" Cortex screeched, and N. Tropy had to hurry over and hold his boss back to keep him from jumping at the hologram like a wild animal. "No little girl makes a mockery of me, in my own LAB!"
Coco let out a giggle, which gradually melted into sinister laughter, a devilish smirk playing across her face as she continued, "You are on the way to destruction."
"What you say!" N. Gin shrieked before covering his mouth quickly, not wanting to draw the demonic-looking girl's attention to himself.
Coco just laughed again, placing her paws on her hips in that snotty teenage girl manner, and said, "Come on, Aku-Aku, you've always wanted to taunt these freaks, haven't you?" Said mask floated into the picture, a tiresome look upon his wooden face. The four men growled at that remark.
"I don't think it's such a good idea." Aku-Aku said.
"YOU'RE DARN RIGHT IT'S NOT A-"
"Cortex, settle down!"
"Shut up, Tropy!"
"Cripes," N. Gin had composed himself and whispered to N. Brio, who was looking from the hologram to the computer screen and back to the hologram. "what do you think's going on here?"
N. Brio sighed, shoulders sagging. "I wish I knew. I'll admit that I'm praying it's just a prank, even though the idea of these fools planting a bomb and seizing control of the lab is pretty far-fetched." N. Gin cocked his head, thinking about the situation.
Aku-Aku raised an eyebrow at the sheet Coco was holding out in front of him. "Do I have to?" he whined. Coco gave him a look that clearly said 'Stop complaining of I'll let Pura use you as a scratching post.' Aku-Aku rolled his eyes and read in a bored tone, "You have no chance to survive make your time."
Pleased with the masks' cooperation, Coco let out another round of dark laughter. "HA HA HA HA ..." She was soon joined half-heartedly by Aku-Aku and Crunch, who had just peeked in from the side of the hologram, wondering what his buddies were up to. Crash was eating a Wumpa fruit, completely oblivious to what was happening around him.
N. Tropy didn't like Aku-Aku's previous comment and let Cortex go, shaking a fist at the four on the screen. "Don't you use that phrase against me!" Cortex lunged at the hologram and sailed straight through it, terminating the connection and performing a faceplant on the other side of the room. The Psychotron blanked out completely, the black room now illuminated solely by the dim computer screen. N. Gin shivered in the darkness and scooted closer to N. Brio, while N. Tropy shook his head slowly and joined the duo. Cortex picked himself up, cast a frightened glance around the pitch chamber, whimpered and scampered over to his allies, slamming into some of the Psychotron's machinery in the process.
Cortex rubbed his head and pushed past N. Tropy to get to N. Brio's side. "What's the damage?" he growled. N. Brio scanned the computer's readings and after a few moments, exhaled sharply.
"Well, Neo, there's good news and bad news. Let me give you the good first." That probably wasn't the best decision, but the man went ahead anyway. "The good news is that I can kick up the Psychotron again, its power isn't lost. I suppose that was just its reaction to you…closing the signal. It must have to do with whatever the bandicoots were using to contact us."
Cortex stroked his beard in thought, frowning. "Mm-hmm."
"…and the bad news is that the bomb has been detected. I was able to locate it by doing a little bit of hacking myself. But it's…" N. Brio paused to work down the lump forming in his throat. N. Gin and Cortex stared at him eagerly, waiting for him to continue. N. Tropy did not look pleased at all. "The bomb has been attached to the inside of the front door to the lab. Normally that wouldn't be a problem, but they cut the power to the hover lifts. In essence, we're stuck here."
N. Gin blinked as he absorbed this. "So…basically, we're waiting on pins and needles, because if anyone tries the door they'll send this place sky high?"
"You mean, if any of those stupid animals try to get inside…" Cortex fumed, tugging on what little hair he had left in frustration. "Those bandicoots probably waited until I gave those idiots a vacation and set it up then! Probably hacked in, so the cameras were useless, planted the bomb and hightailed it away-"
"Those cowardly sea dogs…" N. Gin murmured. N. Brio and N. Tropy gave him weird looks while Cortex went on venting to himself.
"RIGHT!" Cortex shouted suddenly, nearly scaring the crap out of the others. "Get the power back on, N. Brio!"
N. Brio did as he was commanded and set to work. It only took a few moments before the Psychotron kicked up again, flooding the room with a pink glow. The mad scientist seemed to have a plan, and wheeled around, pointing determinedly into the air as he barked, "Take off every 'zig'!"
Cortex's teammates glanced at each other and shrugged. Cortex turned around when he heard no response and was greeted with the three holding their boxers out towards him.
"GAH! What on EARTH are you doing! That's not what I meant, you morons! Get those away from me!" He retreated a few steps and slapped his forehead exasperatedly as the three put back on their skivvies. N. Brio didn't even mention 'zig' was the term for underpants on one of Pluto's moons. Apparently all but Cortex knew this. " Zig is the codename for those prototypes you're working on, right, N. Gin?"
"Wha- oh. Well, we didn't exactly settle on a codename, you just now-"
"You know what you doing! Get it over here!" Cortex leaped into the air with the force of his screaming, N. Gin crawling away from him with a major migraine and N. Brio nearly busting an eardrum. N. Tropy just smirked.
N. Gin dizzily punched in a few commands on the computer's keyboard, and a robotic whirring sound was just barely audible over the hum of the Psychotron. The door to the room slid open and a cute rocket-like creature waddled in. It had a red top, a white body, two small black eyes and smiling mouth.
"I was going to call it a Skud, but it seems you've already made the decision for me, Cortex." N. Gin gave his boss a look of disappointment mixed with contempt.
"Er, I think there might be some copyright infringements there…" N. Brio whispered. N. Gin just rolled his eyes and shrugged, reminding his co-worker that its name was now 'Zig.'
"Never mind that, just tell us what it can do!" Cortex folded his arms behind his back, smiling at N. Gin proudly. The squat man glowered a bit but spoke.
"It's a remote-controlled missile containing a chemical-reaction-halting solution, courtesy of N. Brio here. In theory, it can neutralize certain types of explosions by ramming into the bomb or device, thus releasing the solution," he said, but continued with a distressed tone of voice, "but it hasn't been tested, Cortex, and if that solution doesn't work the explosion will still occur. And if N. Brio and I are off on our calculations, the explosion could actually end up larger tha-"
"Well let's hope you're right, then." Cortex butted in with a commanding edge to his voice. "So. Move 'zig.'"
N. Gin grimaced, but produced a remote control with a small TV screen from his bullet-riddled coat pocket. "Too bad you didn't outfit this place with escape pods." he muttered under his breath, and directed the 'zig' out the door and down the hallways and elevators to the entrance of the Iceberg Lab.
"Let's go outside." N. Tropy piped up. "Onto one of the hover lift platforms. We'll have a better chance of not being crushed if the bomb does explode." The others nodded in agreement, and exited the Psychotron room.
"Now, are you absolutely certain that this is the only way to get rid of the bomb?" Cortex asked N. Gin, growing nervous as they stationed themselves on a hover life platform. The realization that his entire lab could be lost because of this little experiment was just hitting him.
N. Gin nodded. "Unless you want to go down there and throw yourself over it, that might lessen the intensity as it explodes."
Cortex chuckled dryly, giving him an 'If the explosion doesn't kill us, I'll kill you' look. N. Gin just rolled his eyes and watched the screen built into the remote control. It showed the room from the 'zig's' point of view, and the bomb was visible. The mechanic urged the little rocket forward until it was so close that its little eyes could pick up striking details of the land mine-like device attached to the door. N. Tropy was looking over the side of the platform for any sign of Dingodile, Tiny, Ripper Roo, the Komodo Bros. or any of the others. Thankfully no one was in sight of the lab's front door. "There you are…" N. Gin muttered, getting a good look at the bomb. "Now we've just got to-"
"For great justice." Cortex said, cringing in anticipation of the blast at the edge of the platform, next to N. Tropy.
"What!"
"I said-"
"I don't BELIEVE this!" N. Gin screamed at the controller in his hands, both robotic and human eye burning into the screen he held inches from his face. His cheeks were growing as red as his hair. N. Brio and N. Tropy scurried to his side to get a look at what he was fussing over, and Cortex tried to hop up to see over N. Brio's head and push between the two.
"Why, those little-"
"-impudent animals-"
"What a complete MOCKERY of explosives!"
"Now what in the heck is going on here!" Cortex demanded, stamping his foot on the metal platform. "I'm your superior, tell me what happened!"
N. Gin was still glaring furiously and thrust the device at Cortex's face. The doctor backed up out of impulse and cautiously took the controller, and looked at its screen. Sloppily written on the back of the mine, in bright pink and blue letters, was, "lol u fell for it!1 :P"
Cortex stared at the screen for what seemed like an hour, the expression on his face never fading from utter shock. In all actuality it had only been two minutes but his subordinates feared a delayed reaction and slipped back inside the Psychotron chamber without a sound. N. Gin was still griping about the bomb, N. Brio was appalled by the horrid spelling, and N. Tropy just didn't like the idea of it all.
"Well, I certainly didn't foresee this." N. Tropy sighed, slumping against the wall. N. Brio took a seat in the computer chair, and N. Gin sunk down in the desk chair, propping his head up with his hands while resting his elbows on the table.
"All this excitement over a little prank. We wouldn't have gotten so worked up about it if the situation hadn't seemed so…you know, real." N. Gin mused, watching the Psychotron's display lazily.
"So who wants to take the thing off the door?" N. Brio questioned, watching the two from his position of resting his head on his arms as he sat backwards in the swivel chair.
"Let's send Pinstripe when he gets back." N. Gin suggested.
"You're just saying that because you're scared of his gun." N. Brio taunted, though his heart wasn't in it. The events of the day were beginning to weight on him, just like the sky was weighing on the sun outside.
"Huh. Does it look like I'm scared of guns?" N. Gin gestured to the bullet holes in his coat.
"Feh." was all N. Tropy said, and he crossed his arms, letting his head rest against the wall behind him. "Bloody heck, this has dragged on long enough. Forgive me for breaking the fourth wall, but by this point I do believe the plot's been flushed down the crapper."
"The Master of Time has just figured that out?" N. Brio pointed out, faking amazement.
"Nice. Now who wants to baby-sit Cortex while I go to bed?" N. Gin yawned and stretched.
"Sorry, haven't got the time." N. Tropy said, flashing a glance to N. Brio.
"Yeah, let him the doc care of himself, he's a big man. -Well…"
The three stared at each other for a moment, then burst into loud snickering.
"I can't help but wonder," N. Brio said as he, N. Gin and N. Tropy headed for the door to go to their rooms, "if this whole day was more than just a single joke."
"Yeah, it was pretty stupid." N. Gin agreed.
"What a note to end on." N. Tropy grinned, flicking the tuning fork on his helmet before following the two out the door.
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Hahahaaa! w When you get to writing into one in the morning and it's eighty degrees in your room, this is what happens. Not to mention my butt hurts like a- ahem, yeah. Maybe if I feel particularly insane one day I'll update this with a crazier parody, when I'm in the right state of mind, y'know. And I'll include the whole lot – Dingodile, Tiny, Ripper Roo, Tawna, heck I'm sure I can incorporate them all in if you don't mind OOC-ness, since that's what I excel at. XD Thanks for reading this far!
And as a side note, I'm not treating this as a serious fic at all, even though the humor was lacking a…bit. Go ahead and critique if you want, but I can do better when it comes to writing, I promise. XD; As for IC-ness, I tried, but this was supposed to be fairly light-hearted (BUT I FAILED HALFWAY THROUGH), and I tend to slip up when it comes to those types of fics. Eh, anywho, review if you feel inclined to, I just wanted to add something to the Crash Bandicoot section. What a way to start, eh? XD