Author's Note: -gasps for breath- I'm here, I'm here! I'm back! I know it's been forever, and I'm so sorry! Gomen nasai! I've been having such a rough time lately. Life has been dealing me some difficult cards. My parents have been upset with me, and I just started the real phase of detoxification... my brain hurts. -wince- Oh well—I know that God has a reason for it all! I just need to keep on going...

Thank you all for being so patient! You guys are really amazing to put up with me like this. I normally get quite irate when stories I like aren't regularly updated. How selfish of me. -double wince-

Well, on with the story!

—

Disclaimer: -glances around furtively- But there aren't any lawyers here... who cares about this thing!

gets hit by a random frying pan flying through the air... seemingly flung by a lawyer-

Ow... m'kay, fine... I don't own Alice 19th. There. Ya happy?

—

Chapter VIII: Twilight Confessions

—

How does one feel when they know they have nothing left to lose? How does a human being continue to live on when there's nothing to live for? When all love is gone, what use is a heart? When all life is lose, of what value is breath? When all hope is gone, what is left?

Does despair prey upon the weak, or does everyone, deep down in the unreachable depths of their heart, feel the dread fingers of hopelessness? Must you allow sorrow inside for its icy grip to hold your soul in a vise? Are there those who merely allow themselves to fall into the trap of emptiness, or is everyone truly empty? Are optimists really pessimists in disguise?

In a fallen world, where all is tinged by darkness, it only seems natural that your nemesis should lie in a mirror. And when you are your own worst enemy, where is there to run...?

For some, the only refuge to be found is in the hardened core of their own icy heart; they accept their fate, yet act as if there have a light at the end of the tunnel. Perhaps these can see more clearly than those who dwell in the light. Perhaps light can only be found in darkness.

However, for some, there is no light. For some, darkness is reality, and light is only something that blind optimists believe in. Hope is a shred of life lost—a mist that lingers at the back of the mind, never to be restored to its rightful glory. The heart melts away and leaves an empty shell that can hardly be called a human being. Or, maybe those empty shells have merely returned to their true nature.

Darkness is the absence of light. Darkness is not tangible. Light can be captured... light can be manufactured... light can be stopped, and, in essence, destroyed. Darkness always lingers. It's there when the sun goes down and the little town turns off all its lights. It's there when the star of the night eclipses the star of the morning. It's there when the little girl is tucked in, and her father switches off her over-head fixture. It creeps under your bed, and in the farthest reaches of your closet. Darkness is not only found in horror movies—it's all around, and no one will ever be rid of it.

To some, the answer is clear: embrace the darkness.

—

Clementine stared blankly at her reflection in the mirror. It had been four months since Frey had left. Four months since she learned of her mother's death. Four months since the make-shift ceremony that could've hardly been called a 'funeral.' The attendance was limited to herself, two of her mother's friends, and the pastor. The ladies had offered to house her and send her to college in the States, but she had flatly refused. There was nothing left for her in the States... there wasn't anything for her anywhere. Nothing that she really wanted, anyway.

Idly running her fingers through her thick red hair, she examined her fatigued physique. Her eyes had waned to a pale, sickly green instead of the healthy, sparkling hazel that had formerly been. She had lost at least twenty pounds, and she was already thin before. Her skin was nearly transparent—her veins were clearly visible through her skin. She was merely a shadow of what she had been...

Unbeknownst to her, the black curse seal flickered on her neck. It had done its job, but it wasn't finished. Darkness had almost fully engulfed her heart, but the last spark of hope was yet to be stamped out. She had yet to accept the darkness as her own.

As the days progressed, she found herself with more blank spots in her memory. All she could remember were painful memories; all thoughts of hope had fled, as if afraid of the shadow encroaching on their peaceful residence. Love was merely a word to her—a word that carried no weight and could never be fulfilled. Deep hopelessness could be seen through her glazed eyes. ...what have I become...?

The door to her room creaked open, and light footsteps sounded on the wooden floor. "I brought you some food."

Clementine didn't react. She merely stood still—as if frozen in time. Her unfocused eyes attested to the fact that she wasn't looking in the mirror anymore.

"...Clementine..." A sigh was heard. "You have to eat. It's been three days..."

A silent tear slipped down her pallid cheek and fell to the floor. Suddenly, her legs gave out from underneath her, and she collapsed. Strong arms held her up from behind. "...I.. I-I'm fine... r-really... you d-don't have to be so... w-worried... Eric..."

Sighing deeply, Eric shook his head. "You're stuttering. Are you trying to kill yourself, or is it merely consequential?" He didn't wait for an answer—he knew he wasn't going to receive one. Stooping down, he picked her up and laid her on the bed. "Please just eat. I can't stand watching you waste away like this. I promised Frey that I would take care of you. You wouldn't want to force me to break my word, would you?"

Clementine didn't answer, but her eyes slowly started to fill up with tears. After a few minutes, she finally spoke. "...I'm... sorry... I'm a burden... it would be better if I were... if I were dead... it's not fair to you... to anyone... that I'm still here..."

"Don't think like that... we wouldn't want you anywhere else but here... my job is to help." He began stroking her cheek gently to comfort her, but Clementine remained as impassive as ever—tears gleaming dully in her eyes.

Biting her lip, Clementine finally averted her gaze from the wall to the dresser next to her bed. "Eric..." Her voice was barely a whisper. "Why won't the Lotis work...?"

Eric jerked his head up and met her gaze with a slightly confused one. "Why would you ask that?"

"It's just... I... I try to use the Lotis... it's supposed to save people, right...? It can't save me... it just can't... my health... no matter what I do, it won't get better..."

"Well, you're certainly not helping yourself." The comment would have been biting, but he said it so gently that Clem didn't even flinch. Sighing again, he continued. "I understand what you mean, Clementine... the Lotis hasn't helped me, either. Me... a head-master here at this branch of the Lotsunan League of Sacred Guides..." He shifted on the edge of her bed, looking rather uncomfortable and bitter for a moment. "It seems that the more skilled I become, the more I realize that the Lotis won't solve my problems."

Clementine looked up at him. She had never seen him look so... bitter... and helpless... and... almost kind, in some strange way... it sent a shiver down her spine. "...but... but if the Lotis can't help... if the Lotis can't save... then... what can...?"

Her green eyes seemed to come alive for just a second. She wanted answers, and she thought that maybe—just maybe—Eric would be able to provide them. No one else could... or, perhaps it was just that no one else would. There was nobody else who cared. Nobody but Frey... and she had already pushed him away. Forever.

There was a sudden flash of emotion through Eric's eyes. Was it... regret? Hesitation? A sick sense of triumph, even? In that moment, she was the Clementine of a year ago—timid and apprehensive. A convulsive shiver rippled down her spine as he spoke—his voice thick and raspy, but sweet as honey. Too sweet.

"The Lotis can never save, Clementine... the darkness... the Mara... it's too strong. It's always too strong. I'm sure you can understand this now..." He looked down at their hands; they had somehow become adjoined. "I wasn't going to bring this up... I wanted you to have hope in the light... you seemed happy that way. But you're too logical, and you've had quite a rude awakening."

Clementine shivered as he began to rub his thumb against her fingers. Stop it... don't touch me... She forced herself to remain calm. It's okay... he'll go away soon enough... "Eric... you're a Lotis master... and you're telling me that the Lotis is useless...?"

"Yes... that's exactly what I'm telling you." Amber met pale green as he tilted her chin up—forcing her to look at him. "Listen to me... stop while you can. You've said that you now know better than to believe in hope. Continue in the hopelessness... don't deceive yourself. Light is an illusion. You know this is the truth—deep down, you know."

Her eyes widened a bit. "...are... are you telling me... Eric... you're a... Maram master...?"

The corner of his lips turned up a bit into a sort of smirk. He didn't answer, but instead simply leaned forward and pressed his lips against her forehead—causing her to freeze momentarily. "Just think about it."

And, just like that, he was gone. Clementine shuddered and gathered the blanket closer around her shivering frame. She wasn't afraid of Eric anymore... she wasn't afraid of being alone... she wasn't even afraid of the darkness she felt swallowing her being... once again, the only thing she was afraid of was... herself.

The thought of embracing the darkness... of mastering the Maram... instead of chilling her to the bone, it provided a warm satisfaction in the core of her heart. It was such a sweet satisfaction that it scared her. Is that... is that what I really want...? Have I really changed so much that I would actually give up on all hope? Would I really... do that to myself? Has life really been that... hard...? Am I just too weak? Can... can the Maram really... help...? Can it make me whole? Can it give back what I've lost? Is it really... really that much stronger than the light?

The questions filled her head until she felt it would burst. But she knew... she really knew one thing...

Her light was gone.

—

It was dark. Completely dark. So dark that she couldn't see her hand before her eyes. It was an empty darkness—almost as if nothing was there but the black infinity. The dark abyss.

"Don't you know...?"

The whisper sent a shiver down her spine. It was deep... raspy... ethereal. The voice seemed to resonate off of invisible walls; it came from every direction. "W-where are you...?"

"Why did you do it...?"

Blindly groping through the darkness, she gasped for breath. "Where am I!"

"I loved you..."

She tripped—on what, she didn't know—and fell forward. There was no ground this time... the air was suffocating her, making it impossible for her to scream.

"Where did your light go...?"

Taking in strangled breaths, she wildly groped for something... anything... to hold on to. She was desperate to end her descent.

"It's been gone for years..."

"N-no..." She coughed—the air was leaving her lungs for good.

"That day... didn't you know...?"

A hand reached out to her—shining through the darkness. Flailing, she grasped it and jerked to a halt. A dim light began to shine, but she couldn't find its source. A face... there was a face visible in the light... She squinted, trying to see who it was.

"Give in..."

Her heart seemed to stop. No... it can't be... you... you're dead!

The figure's lips twisted into a nasty, sadistic grin.

"Everything comes back around..."

Suddenly, something slammed into her chest and she went flying backwards over a ledge. She was falling again, and something warm was pouring from a hole in her chest. Blood... her blood... she had been shot.

"You'll get what you deserve."

With a loud gasp, she flew upright in her bed. Her light was on, but the light gave her little comfort. Pressing her hand against her chest, she convinced herself that she wasn't bleeding. "A dream... just... just a dream... another one..."

She knew it wouldn't be the last time she woke up bathed in her own sweat.

I have to make this end. I know what I have to do.

—

"Eric."

Clementine stood in the doorway of his room. He turned slowly, regarding her with a slightly cocked eyebrow. "Well, don't you look official?"

She was barely recognizable. Her hair had become board-straight, and her hazel eyes had changed to a sickly, pale green, and were now deep green—shining with a dark despite that could strike fear into the heart of any Lotis master. Her skin was nearly transparent. She was wearing a open-backed black dress that was covered by a black leather coat that was standard for Maram masters.

Crossing her arms, she smiled in her own, sarcastic way. "I thought that was the point."

Suddenly losing his satisfied smirk, Eric nodded slowly. "Indeed it is." Absentmindedly fingering some papers, he sauntered over to the doorway. "There's one thing I have to know, Clementine. Why did you let the darkness take you so easily?"

Frowning, Clementine tilted her head a bit. "I told you before. I made the deal with Darva so that I would stop having those dreams. They were killing me."

"Clementine... you never said what you were having dreams about. You woke up screaming... sweating... you hit anyone who was within reach out of panic... but you never said why. Listen, we all have secrets..." He moved closer, placing two fingers under her chin, lifting it up to meet her eyes. "...and our reasons for doing what we do..."

Clementine cut him off. "Do we? What was your reason for letting me believe in the Lotis... for teaching me... and then suddenly telling me to give up? What could you possibly gain from watching my pain!" She practically spat at him.

"Now, now, dear—there's no need to be angry. As I said, we all have our reasons—and our secrets." He smirked. "You give me no reason to tell you my reasons and secrets. I'm afraid I'll get nothing in return."

Tears sprang to her eyes—stinging and blurring her vision. "I have no reason to tell you anything..." Her voice was merely a loud, raspy whisper. She was choking on her tears, struggling to hold them back.

He smiled, and there was almost something tender in his expression. "Without me, you wouldn't be here right now."

"Without you... I might still be happy."

"Happy, but blind. Is that really how you want to live?"

"There's no point in wishing—I can't go back to the way things were."

"Good girl. Logical as always."

"Don't patronize me, Eric." Clementine was practically seething, although she didn't know why. He wasn't infuriating... usually. ...am I angry at myself...?

"Clementine... you're still hesitant about this decision. I can see it in your eyes." His amber eyes were questioning—searching. "What are you hiding?"

"I-I'm not... hiding anything." Her knees went weak, so she locked them to keep from crumpling to the floor. It was hard for her to stand on legs that felt like gelatin. She was about to break. I've held this inside for years... I've never told anyone... I wouldn't... I... I couldn't... I still can't... I can't let anyone know... "I am simply not deserving of the light. It's gone from me."

"Why?"

She swatted away the hand that was gently stroking her cheek. "Just leave me alone!" Turning away in disgust, she stalked—hurriedly—down the hallway. Soon, however, her pain overcame her and she fell forward. Strong arms circled around her waist and slowly lowered her to the floor—softening her fall.

"This is killing you, Clementine. Tell me what's wrong. I'll find out one way or another."

Squeezing her eyes shut, she clenched her fists. Her heart was full of self-loathing, and her façade was cracking and crumbling. "G-go... away..."

"What did you do!" Eric felt that he had to revert to shouting.

"I killed my father!"

Eric's eyes widened in shock, and Clementine sunk against the floor, sobbing hysterically.

"I... I killed him..."

—

Author's Note: Well, that turned out nothing like I planned... I'm so sorry it took sooo long... I'm so sorry... it's crazy, I know. And now I give you another cliff-hanger. I am so evil. -wince-

I hope to update sooner next time than I did this time! Thank you guys for being so patient and devoted! -gives cookies-

Review Responses:

Helbaworshipper: Wow—nice word-picture, there! I'm glad you like the angst, too. -smile-

Esse: I'm so glad you love this story. -big grin- You've been soooo encouraging this whole time... thank you, thank you, thank you! Lol, never, ever stop writing long reviews! I love reading them so much. Very fun. Ah! I want to meet Yu Watase! I wonder what she would think of this story... -shrinks in fear-

Tanlaith: Well, I'm sure that if you think really, really hard you could figure it out. -smile- But I'll reveal it later in the story. Probably the next chapter, but they never turn out like I plan... so... you never know.

Destiny852: Haha, doncha just love cliff-hangers? -grin- How are you feeling nowadays?

Liz: Yay, Lizzie! -hug- I'm really glad that you liked this! Hehe, 'tis always great when my friends get hooked on my fan-fiction. -grin-

Takame Kiriku: Whee... I love being evil. -evil laugh- I know that most of you were probably expecting Clementine to freak out once she figured out what Eric was... but... I decided to take another twist on things. It'll totally set things up for what I'm going to do later. -smile-

Arielle: Yes, it's around that time-period. Nice observation! Haha... yeah, I don't remember what you're talking about... I just know that I said something pretty stupid in that one convo... but I won't bring it up, if you don't remember. -grin, wink- I'm glad you liked the last chapter! I always try to give that "wow" effect, but I think that I pulled it off pretty well last time. Sometimes I have to write fillers, and it's really hard to make people go "wow" at those. -grimace- But yes! Buy more Alice 19th when you can!

June Antilles: I know what you're saying, 'Nae, but I think 'twould be a bit... unrealistic if I had Clementine become stronger in the light when there's no one there for her. I mean, really, if you were all alone in the world, and you didn't have God, would you become stronger, or give in to hopelessness? Seriously. I know I wouldn't! But don't worry... Clementine's not going to stay a Maram master the whole time. You can already tell that she's hesitant about her decision. If you've noticed the Lotis word's she's learned, not one has to do with 'courage' or 'hope.' I did that on purpose. Things are going to get worse before they get better... trust me. -grin-