Pain. Mind numbing pain.
She couldn't move, she barely felt like she could breathe and yet in less than one hour she had to stand up before the prominent citizens of Port Charles and make a speech, thanking them for coming, telling them about Sonny, pretending she was okay.
But she wasn't.
Even after her morning talk with JJ, in which Bobbie reassured her that he was fine and actually wanted to stay a couple more nights to be with Michael, she couldn't bring forth a smile.
The scared her, when her own son couldn't put a smile on her face.
Years, four years of Sonny telling her that he would never leave, that he would be her rock, there for her always in times of need and in times of passion. She believed him. It took her a long time but she finally got there, got to the point where she knew Sonny was coming home to her, got to where she knew when he walked out the door in the morning it didn't necessarily mean he wouldn't be walking back in that night.
Four years was now nothing.
The tears, they just wouldn't stop.
At first she fought them off with tissues, then she tried make up, knowing she was going nowhere looking hideous, but none of it worked, not even the comfort of Johnny's voice on the other end of the door letting her know that he was here if she needed him and he would be waiting downstairs. Not even the thought of seeing Jason, allowing him to comfort her could get her to move.
The enormous orange glow kept appearing in front of her eyes, mocking her, torturing her with flashbacks. From the moment Sonny embraced her in front of a raging inferno over seven years ago up to two days ago when he himself was swallowed up by the flames.
That's where she was, frozen in time, hearing the gun shots and watching that damn building exploded, start to fall, piece by piece.
Like her life, so many pieces were falling out of place. She was so sure she could handle anything, especially with the support she had around her but when the king was pulled from the board the queen fell as well, no many how many knights were around her.
No matter if Jason hated her or not.
Her world seemed to stop spinning the night that Sonny left it.
She hated that, she knew he would too. They promised themselves they wouldn't cross a line, swore that they were done with that one emotion, that connection they had that brought them to the people who ultimately destroyed them. They didn't want to become addicted to one another as they had been addicted to others in the past. It was suppose to be carefree, suppose to be a partnership, a friendship that turned into so much more but there were boundaries, the line in the sand. It took him not being there to realize that she crossed that line a long time ago.
She wanted to feel elation at that moment but she couldn't move past the devastation.
Slowly getting up from the bed, Elizabeth quietly made her way over to the armoire and pulled open the top face. There inside laid a twinkling three karat diamond that winked back at her. She only hoped that her eyes sparkled that night when he gave this to her as they did now when she slid it onto her left ring finger. No one knew, they wanted it kept quiet, but nothing could prevent her from wearing this ring today. It was a symbol of the love they felt for each other, whether it be romantic or just simple love and she would wear it with pride.
Looking down at her lady's Rolex watch she realized that she had little time left in order to get ready, but she wanted all of the tears gone. She didn't want anyone else to know the pain she was going through. There would be others at the funeral to comfort. There would be Mike and Carly and all the men at the docks who looked up to the man that Sonny had become. She would stand there and console them, thank them for there sympathy and give them hers. She would be the epitome of demure and grace.
Strong, solid, Elizabeth Webber. The woman she learned to be thanks to Sonny.
As she walked to her closet to pull out a black dress she realized that she would need a glass of Sonny's bourbon before she left.
"I think you've had enough."
"Do you really think it's affecting me?" Elizabeth snapped as she looked at Johnny. Her face took on an immediate apologetic look, "Johnny I am so sorry…"
He waved it away as he situated himself more comfortably in the back seat of the limousine. Francis was in the front with Max, who was driving. They decided that it was best the three of them stay united for Elizabeth. They knew as soon as she walked into the doors of the funeral home she would be facing almost all of Port Charles on her own. He just didn't like the idea of her doing it a bit tipsy as she was on her third glass of liquor.
Elizabeth finished the bourbon in her hand and leaned over to place it back on the small bar in front of her. She had one before she left the house, assuring Johnny it was for her nerves and two more on the ride over.
Her nerves were still shot and she wanted to cry again.
But she didn't lie to Johnny, it wasn't affecting her, she still felt nothing.
God, Jason must lead a horrible existence, she thought.
She felt the limo come to a slow, steady stop and Johnny slid out beside her. She took a deep breath and made sure to leave her purse, which was filled with tissues inside the car as a reminder to be strong and stay sane. She accepted Johnny's hand as he helped her out of the car and onto the sidewalk that led up to the doors of the funeral home.
The place where she would say goodbye to Sonny.
"Is anyone here?" she asked.
Francis came on the other side of her elbow and nodded, "There are a few people inside, they're just waiting for you."
Elizabeth nodded and started forward in her knee length black silk dress, "Then let the miserable procession begin."
"I have something for you."
Elizabeth looked up from the large law textbook she was reading and waved to Francis before he disappeared on the other side of the door, "Really Sonny you should feed them sometime."
"You do that for me," Sonny said. "You didn't think I knew about it?"
Elizabeth laughed softly as she slid her stocking feet off the couch and onto the floor, standing up and stretching before padding over to where he was at his desk, "I wish you would stop spoiling me."
"You're a house guest," Sonny said flashing his dimples, "I can't help but spoil my guests, open."
She looked curiously at the white box that lay in front of her. It looked like it held clothes inside and Sonny rarely shopped for anyone but himself.
"You should've seen the look that manager at the store gave me when I asked for this in a size zero," Sonny said with a laugh, "Would've made half my enemies run."
"Any woman will give you a death look when you need a size zero and they aren't…" Elizabeth stopped when she pulled the lid of the box off and stared down at the softest black material they ever made. She carefully reached into her box with the fingers and pulled out the sleeveless black dress and held it up against her. It had a deep v-neck that was a little revealing yet conservative and looked like it would fit her body to a t. She couldn't wait to try it on. She also couldn't help leaning up and impulsively kissing his cheek.
"What on earth is this for?" she asked as she ran her fingers over the silk.
"We're going out to dinner tonight," Sonny smiled, "I made reservations."
"But what? What's the occasion?" Elizabeth asked as she held the dress out in front of her. She simply couldn't get enough of it.
"Because it's Tuesday," Sonny said with a sigh and ran his hand over the side of his face, "You going to get changed or keep grilling me?"
Elizabeth's eyes were smiling at him and Sonny couldn't help but smile back. The only time her eyes usually danced like that was when her son JJ was around. What he wouldn't give to see those eyes shine more often.
"I'm going, I'll get changed and check on JJ before we go," she smiled as she started up the stairs before turning back to him. "I like Tuesdays."
He felt a tug at his heart, one that should have warned him to tread lightly as she disappeared from his view. He liked Tuesdays too.
Just because it was Tuesday.
That was the first time she had ever kissed Sonny's cheek as a way of a thank you and after dinner that night when he dropped her off in front of her bedroom door, was the first time their sweet lips met in something more than friendship.
Simply because it was Tuesday.
Now she hated Tuesdays, hated the fact that she had to wear his dress to the funeral, proud that he bought it for her, mad as hell that he wasn't here to stand beside her. His picture was boring holes in her back as she greeted people one by one, thanking them for coming, sharing her sympathy, all the while wanting to crawl into a whole and die.
When she sensed a lapse in the line she couldn't help but turn around and stare at the black and white shot of Sonny laughing. He was looking over his shoulder, away from the camera, but Elizabeth knew it was one of his favorite pictures. They were at the park with JJ and the boy was playing hide and seek with Sonny and Michael. Sonny loved that moment, any moment, where he could spend time with his two favorite boys.
"Elizabeth, hello."
Elizabeth turned around and was greeted with the warm smiling eyes of Monica Quartermaine. She had reached out and taken Elizabeth's hand into her own, squeezing it gently.
"I'm so sorry for your loss," Monica said quietly, "I know that Sonny meant a lot to you."
She was sorry for Elizabeth's loss. She wasn't sorry that Sonny was dead and she wasn't about to say that Sonny was a good man. No one in Port Charles seemed to care about that, including her own grandmother.
"Emily is terribly upset that she couldn't be here," Monica continued. "She and Nikolas are stranded in Greece where there is some freak storm. I told her it would be alright, I told her you would understand."
Elizabeth bit her tongue. Understand? Understand that her friend of how many years couldn't call her and let her know that herself? And yet, Elizabeth knew that Emily blamed her for Jason leaving town again. After Emily found out about the morning Jason walked out four years ago their relationship had always been strained. She couldn't blame Emily for not calling; hell she wouldn't blame her if she was in town and still didn't show up. Everyone knew that Elizabeth blamed herself.
"Tell her its fine," Elizabeth said quietly as she reached out and hugged the woman, "I thank you for coming and please, if you hear from her before I do, please tell her to try and come see me. It's been so long."
"I know," Monica smiled sadly, "I tried to ask Alan and Edward…"
"It's best that they didn't," Elizabeth said as her eyes moved to the back of the room where Mac Scorpio walked in accompanied by a few detectives.
Smart man, she thought, she wouldn't have come alone either.
"I brought Lila."
Elizabeth's face softened as her attention was brought back to Monica, "Where is she?"
Monica pointed towards the back of the room where a smiling Lila awaited in her wheelchair. Elizabeth released Monica's hands and hurried towards one of the few people who didn't shut her out simply because she was residing with Sonny Corinthos.
Once she arrived in front of the true Quartermaine patriarch, Elizabeth bent down and kissed her cheek, "Thank you so much for coming, seeing you here helps."
"Of course I'm here, my dear," Lila said as she held a firm grip on Elizabeth's hands, "I know what a good man Sonny was and he didn't deserve any of this. I know my Jason will find the men responsible."
Her Jason.
Elizabeth gave a small smile at the idea of 'The Borg' Jason Morgan being called 'My Jason' by the tiny elderly woman in front of her. It made Lila all the more endearing.
"To know that someone else is here, to respect Sonny," Elizabeth said quietly. "You know how much you mean to me Lila and I can't thank you enough."
"You can by bringing that gorgeous child of yours over," Lila said with a smile, "I missed my weekly visit."
"JJ did too," Elizabeth said, "I wanted to wait to tell him and I didn't want to bring him over to the mansion and have him overhear something else."
"I know dear, I know," Lila said patting her hand, "I just wanted to let you know that I look forward to our afternoons together and I certainly look forward to spending time with JJ. As soon as you feel up to it, bring him by."
"Or I could."
Elizabeth felt a small shudder run through her body as Jason stepped around her and bent over to kiss Lila.
"Hello grandmother."
"Jason, it's so good to see you, although I wish it were under better circumstances," Lila said. "How are you holding up?"
Jason gave her a soft smile but his eyes traveled towards Elizabeth. He felt a little shaky when he climbed out of bed that morning; he couldn't imagine how Elizabeth must be feeling. He didn't want to think about it, but when his thoughts weren't on Sonny, they were on her.
"I'm ok," Jason said, "I want to stop by soon and see you and if it's alright with Elizabeth, I'd like to bring JJ."
Elizabeth tried to hide her surprise. She didn't want Lila to ask any questions, not here, not now, but for Jason to actually ask her permission startled her.
"There's no need to ask," Elizabeth said. "Whenever is good for Lila."
"Fabulous," Lila smiled and patted her grandson's cheek, "We must come up with a time. I don't want to have to pull you away from business."
"You could never do that," Jason said looking endearingly at his grandmother.
Elizabeth couldn't help but feel a pang of jealously. She couldn't remember a time when he ever looked at her like that. Her eyes were pulled away from the reunion of grandson and grandmother when she saw a small commotion at the back of the funeral pallor.
Monica was talking to someone and Elizabeth realized who when a red head emerged followed by a light brown one.
Carly Spencer Corinthos had arrived.
Hell hath no fury…
"It's time we get started."
Elizabeth sighed and closed her eyes, thanking God for sending Johnny. That man always seemed ready to catch her when she was about to fall. She nodded and with his help made her way to the front of funeral home.
When she took her position besides Sonny's urn and that beautiful picture she waited until everyone seemed to be settled in their seat. Carly was sitting in the back of her room beside her mother. Francis was directly behind her; Max was on her right side. If she wanted to cause a scene it would be a short outburst.
But Elizabeth wouldn't deny her the right to say goodbye to Sonny. She knew Carly loved him and Sonny loved her more than life itself.
It was a damn shame how everything worked out.
Elizabeth looked around at the faces before her, few of them were her friends, others were complete strangers, only a handful were workers from the warehouse. She was beginning to realize that she was in the middle of a freak show.
Very few people were here to honor and respect Sonny Corinthos. She could count on both hands the people that wanted to say goodbye to the man that made some kind of impact on their lives. Jason, Carly, Alexis, Lila, the guards, the workers, they gave a damn. People like Mac Scorpio and Jasper Jacks wanted to gloat and truly make sure that the invincible man was finally taken down.
As she looked at their faces she saw regret on Mac's but also pride, grateful that he got back a little bit of respect now that the organization was finished. Jax was simply glad that the man who destroyed Brenda was finally in his resting place. Others were just curious, gawking at the infamous legend that now rested in a bronze container, just a pile of dust and some small bones.
Something inside of Elizabeth snapped.
"I actually wanted to come up here and thank everybody for coming but I realized you weren't coming here to say goodbye to Sonny, you were coming here to pity me," she said quietly as her hands started to shake. "It didn't take me that long to realize that this viewing should have never happened and that Sonny should have been memorialized privately with the people who cared about him, not the ones who could care less."
"Elizabeth…" Bobbie said quietly as she stood up from her position in the back row. Carly looked at her mother shocked, Elizabeth gave her a bitter laugh.
"No, no, you know I am right," she said motioning to the entire room with her finger, "Each and every one of you know that I am right. For four years I spent time with this man, he became my friend, my confidante and so much more. None of you seemed to care about him them, the only thing you wanted to do was throw it in my face that he was a murderer, a thief, a liar, that one day he was going to get what he deserved."
She looked at Mac as tears swarmed in her eyes. "Got it in threefold didn't he, Commissioner Scorpio?"
Elizabeth saw Johnny move towards her out of the corner of her eye and held up her hand to stop him, "I am not finished."
Her eyes moved around the room, scanning, looking over, finding all the guilt lying in them, knowing that she spoke the truth.
"I loved him," she said in a bare whisper and then raised her voice, gave it more conviction, "I loved him more than I ever knew." She cleared her throat; steady herself and then her blue eyes met Jason's. "And I'm sorry if some of you don't understand that, I'm sorry that it's hard to believe that an alleged mobster, who was twice my age, would want to marry a skinny little girl who gave birth out of wedlock."
"What?" Carly yelled from the back of the room.
Elizabeth didn't stop; she didn't care anymore, not about anyone else. It was all about her now, her and Sonny and JJ.
"I'm done," she said as she ran her fingertips over the diamond on her left hand, "I am done trying to make everyone else happy. I lost one of the best things that ever happened to me and I did nothing but lie about it, deny it, hide it and I'm through. I was going to spend the rest of my life with this man, I was going to fall asleep in his arms and wake up in the morning making love to him. I was going to be his lawyer, his friend, his lover, his confidante, his everything." Once again her eyes met Jason. "And I'm done feeling guilty about it."
She smoothed her hands over her dress once again and looked over at Johnny nodding. "Thank you all for coming, I'm sure I'll see each of you at the mass tomorrow."
Then, with him protecting her left side, Johnny ushered her out of the pallor, away from the whispers, the concerned looks, the screaming Carly and the boring eyes of Jason Morgan.
"I'm taking you home," Johnny said as he slid into the front seat of the limousine.
"No," Elizabeth said, already reaching for another bourbon. She then pushed it aside and went straight to the vodka. "Take me to the Port Charles Hotel."
"Elizabeth, I don't think…"
"You're not paid to think!" she snapped as she took a sip straight from the bottle. "I cannot go back to that house; I cannot suffocate one more night. I need room to breathe. Can't you at least give me that Johnny?"
He didn't want to, she saw it in his eyes, but it was the desperation in voice that made him change his mind. She wouldn't be driving and they both knew that he'd be at the door of whatever room she was staying. He grudgingly agreed that she needed to get away.
As she tried to hold back the tears, Elizabeth thought about the irony of the situation. For the past four years she had been running to Sonny Corinthos and now she was trying to get the hell away from him.
That deserved another sip.