Chapter 4: Bill's Chance

Later in the afternoon, Hank, Dale, and Boomhauer returned to the alley. They were awfully surprised to find that Bill's car was in front of the fence where they usually hung out. The car was sputtering a little bit, and Hank opened the door and shut off the engine. He shook Bill.

"Bill? Bill? Wake up, Bill," Hank said, shaking Bill.

Bill slowly woke up. "Huh? Where am I?" he wondered, sounding dazed.

"You're in the alley. What are you doing with your car in front of the fence?" Hank said, sounding surprised.

"I must have passed out after taking Peggy to Starbucks," Bill said.

"Why did you do that?" Hank asked.

"Oh…I don't know," Bill said. He didn't want to reveal his real desire for taking out Peggy.

Hank sighed. "Just move your car." Bill turned on his car, and it sputtered again when it started. He drove it back home, and then he ran back to the fence with his cooler with beers.

Bill opened the cooler and pulled out a beer. He opened the beer and sipped it. "Yep," he said.

Dale grabbed a beer. "Yep," he said.

Boomhauer grabbed a beer as well and mumbled, "Mm-hmm."

"Dang it, Bill, you still haven't told me why you took Peggy to Starbucks," Hank persisted.

Bill's skin color instantly phased from a tanned peach to tomato red. "Well…uh…" he started.

Before he could finish, Hank fell to his knees. "AAH!" he cried in pain. He placed his hands on his crotch to cushion the area.

"What's the matter, Hank?" Dale said. "You got propane in your urethra again?" he jeered. With that, Dale, Boomhauer, and even Bill laughed hysterically.

Hank groaned. "Dale! When this pain goes away, I'm gonna kick your ass!" he yelled. "That is not the problem! I'm still hurting from the time Bobby kicked me in the nuts," he said, sounding embarrassed.

"Aww, poor Hank got kicked in the fellas," Bill grinned. Dale exploded in laughter.

"Bill, shut up!" snapped Hank. "Anyway, it bites because Peggy's been wanting me to be… you know… intimate lately. In my condition, I can't satisfy her. She's been really upset with me and says that she wants me out of the house if I can't be intimate with her."

"Hey, man, ledder know dang ol' Boomhauer's available anytime she wants to make out," Boomhauer started.

"Boomhauer!" shouted Hank. "That is disgusting and sick!" Dale and Bill cackled. Then he turned to Dale and Bill. "You guys shut up, too! This isn't funny!" Hank said, starting to stand back up. "AAAH!" he yelled, as he found himself back on his hands and knees.

"Ah ha ha!" laughed everyone. They slowly helped Hank get up, and then the guys went back home. Everyone left except Bill that is. Bill sneaked into Hank's backyard and looked for a way inside the house. He went to the sliding glass door. To his dismay, it was locked. He checked all the windows to see if they were locked as well. Unfortunately, they were. Bill sadly walked around the property. He passed the chimney, but stopped once he noticed it. He looked up and saw the opening to the chimney. He giggled with excitement.

"There's how I get inside," Bill said. "But in case anyone's around, I'd better find a costume to not seem so suspicious."

TIME LAPSE 15 minutes later

Bill came back to the Hill residence 15 minutes later dressed as Santa Claus. He had a red pointed hat with a white ball of fuzz at the end. He had a false white beard that was strapped around his head. He had a red suit with white trimmings. His belt was dark black and had a shiny gold buckle. He also had heavy black boots.

Bill climbed up the chimney. It was fairly easy with the friction of the bricks. Sometimes, Bill would slip down a little bit, and it was painful for his hands to feel the rough texture of the bricks. About a minute later, he finally reached the top of the chimney.

Bill stood on the roof and looked at the entrance to the chimney. It was much smaller than he expected. "Aw, man. How am I gonna get inside?" Bill wondered. He paced the roof while he thought.

A few minutes later, the Hills' son, Bobby, headed outside to the alley to take out the trash. When he headed back to the house, he jumped back in surprise when he saw Bill on the roof. "Santa? Is that you?" Bobby called. "It's not Christmas yet."

Bill looked down and jumped back when he saw Bobby. He didn't want Bobby to see him enter the house. "Uh… um," was all Bill could manage to say.

"Hey, Dad! Santa's here early! Get the camera so I can prove to Joseph that he really exists!" Bobby yelled.

Hank trudged outside without a camera. "Bobby, that's nonsense. Santa is not here," Hank said.

"Yes he is, look at the roof!" Bobby said. Hank looked up and was startled.

"BILL!" shouted Hank. Bill's costume didn't fool Hank one bit. "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING ON MY ROOF?"

"I'm not Bill," Bill said with a deep, booming voice. "I'm SANTA CLAUS!"

"BILL, CUT THE CRAP AND GET THE HELL OFF MY DAMN ROOF!" shouted Hank.

Bill crawled into the chimney and was stuck. "Oh darn," he sighed. "I shouldn't have reacted so fast." Bill wiggled around, but suddenly found his butt in immense pain. He'd freed himself from the firm grip of the chimney, and he'd fallen into the Hills' fireplace. He was sitting on the andiron. "OW!" he yelled. Bill shot out of the fireplace and sat on the sofa. "Ah," he sighed. He placed his hands on his rear to soothe the pain.

He then saw Hank and Bobby enter the house. "Santa! What did you get me?" Bobby jumped in excitement. "Did you get me a tutu? I've always wanted to be a dancer!"

Disgraced by Bobby's odd desire, Hank shouted, "Bobby, go to your room! I'll deal with you later! But first, I've got to kick Bill's ass!" Hank ran over to Bill on the sofa. Despite the fact that Bill's butt still hurt, he shot off the sofa and ran screaming into Hank and Peggy's bedroom. He shut the door and held it shut. "BILL, OPEN THE DOOR!" he heard Hank.

"Oh, go sleep on the sofa, Hank!" yelled Peggy, who was already in bed. "You're not useful in bed anyway!"

"I will not! I will sleep in bed just like most people do!" Hank yelled.

"Not tonight, Hank!" shouted Peggy. "I mean it! I will not go to your propane conventions if you don't sleep on the couch!"

"Yeah, but…" Hank started. Finally, he gave in. There was nothing worse than somebody turning down an invitation to one of his propane conventions. Hank's footsteps were heard going back to the living room.

"Ah…Peggy, what a surprise!" Bill said.

"I should say the same for you," Peggy said. "What brings you here?"

"Well," Bill started. "Hank told us about how you were upset with him because he wasn't intimate with you. So I thought…"

Peggy looked blankly at Bill. He didn't say another word. "You're lonely, and you wanted to come over to make me feel better about also feeling alone," Peggy stated. "I KNEW IT!" Bill grinned and looked a little less embarrassed. That wasn't really why he came over, but he just nodded because he didn't want her to know why he'd really come. "Oh, you poor man. Come here," Peggy said. He unfolded Hank's side of the bed and patted the mattress as a gesture to welcome Bill. Bill squealed and took off his Santa getup.

"Santa's gonna give you a big pre-Christmas present," Bill said, getting into bed. He pulled the covers over himself and stood still in bed for a moment, realizing something didn't seem right. "You know, Peggy, it's kinda bright in here."

"You're right, Bill," Peggy said. She shut off both lamps that were next to the bed. Bill's heart was throbbing like crazy. He wanted to bust a move, but he couldn't. He jerked when he suddenly felt Peggy wrapping her arms around Bill. No longer had feeling confined, Bill did the same. "Oh, Bill…" sighed Peggy. Bill hugged Peggy even harder. "You are so much more fun than Hank."

Bill squealed and got closer to Peggy. He finally decided to bust a move on his own and wrapped his leg around Peggy's. Peggy and Bill hugged and remained close for the rest of the night.