The Hardcore Boyz, a wrestling fanfic

I sadly own none of the WWE superstars or the concept of the Powerpuff Girls...

Summary: Based loosely on the Powerpuff Girls. Includes Undertaker, Kane, and Chris Jericho as the Hardcore Boyz; Vince McMahon as Professor McMahon; Hulk Hogan as No Mo Ho Ho; Ric Flair as Wooooo Kid; John Cena as the mayor; and Torrie Wilson as the mayor's ASSistant.

Don't know where the hell this idea came from but I thought of it today and just wrote it down...

THE HARDCORE BOYZ: THE CASE OF THE STOLEN CHAMPIONSHIP

Narrator: Blood... Sweat... Steroids... These were the ingredients used to create the perfect boyz. But, Professor McMahon accidentally spilled Chemical XXX into the mix and all hell broke loose! Now these three boyz fly around Wrestlingville solving crimes and kicking ass just for fun. Undertaker... Kane... Jericho... These are...the Hardcore Boyz!

Theme Song: Taker... He's the dead maaaan/ Kane... He loves using his haaaaand/ Jericho... A sarcastic bitch/ But together they save the dayyyy/ Fighting crime, trying to kill stupid asses/ Like Hulk Hogan/ They're just in time/ The Haaaardcore Boyz/ HARDCORE!

IN THE HARDCORE BOYZ BEDROOM...

The Hardcore Boyz were all three lying side by side in their wrestling ring bed when their father of sorts, Professor McMahon, entered the bedroom.

"I just came to say goodnight to my favorite boyz," the good professor said.

"Yadda, yadda, yadda," Taker groaned. "It's the same thing every night."

"Quite a predictable ass clown, isn't he?" Jericho asked.

"Hellz yeah," Taker said, agreeing at once.

"Why you guys be so mean to our daddy?" Kane asked.

"Cuz he's the biggest ass clown we'll eeeeeeeever meet!" Jericho answered.

"He is not, you little meanie poo!" Kane exclaimed.

"Shut the hell up, Kane. You're too stupid to understand," Taker said. He sat up and grabbed a brush. "We forgot to brush our hair tonight. We're off schedule!"

"Shit! Ok, one...stroke!" Jericho directed. They all brushed their hair once. "Two...stroke!" Again. "Three...stroke!"

Professor McMahon watched his boyz proudly. If there was one thing they loved more than anything else, it was having awesome hair.

"I'll just be getting my goodnight kisses now," the professor said. He leaned over Kane's forehead, and Kane allowed him to kiss him.

"Don't you think about it, old man," Taker warned when the professor leaned over to kiss him. "I will chokeslam you off the roof if you kiss me."

"And then I'll put you in the Walls of Jericho," Jericho said when the professor leaned over to kiss him, too. "I really mean it."

Professor McMahon stood up straight and looked at them. "Oh, you guys are getting so big! What in the world am I going to do with you?"

"Leave us the hell alone?" Jericho asked innocently.

"Hellz yeah!" Taker exclaimed. "Get the hell outta our room!" When Professor McMahon stood where he was, staring at them, Taker got angry. "Out!" he thundered. Steam poured from his ears and lightning shot from his eyes, just barely missing the professor.

"Goodnight, boyz!" Professor McMahon called over his shoulder as he ran for his life. The same thing happened every single night. How he loved his boyz!

Back in their rooms, the boyz were almost done with their routine task.

"Ok, last stroke," Jericho exclaimed. They all brushed through their hair one last time. "Yeah!" Jericho yelled. Using his freezing breath, he froze his brush, turning it into an ice cube. Then he threw it against the wall and laughed as it cracked into tiny pieces.

Taker shot lightning bolts with his eyes at his brush and watched as the bolts repeatedly hit their target. When the brush wasn't recognizable, he tossed it into a dark corner. Then both he and Jericho looked expectantly at Kane.

"I'm sorry, Molly," Kane said guiltily to his brush as he crushed it in a bear hug. "You know I'll always love you, right?" He listened for a minute, then started crying. "I'll never love a brush as much as I love you. I'll never find true love again!"

"Oh, get on with it, you sensitive girly girl," Taker said. "You know we do this every night."

"But it gets so painful when you're really attached to it," Kane sobbed. "Molly and I plan to have kids someday. I mean, how do you expect for me to kill the future mother of my nonexistent brush babies?"

"Just like you killed your brush Kelly last night," Jericho said. "With your fire breath, you beast."

"Rest... In... Peace..." Taker said, rolling his eyes into the back of his head as Kane breathed his fire breath on the pink brush. It melted into a heart shape, which Kane clutched tightly to his chest as the Hardcore Boyz slowly drifted off to sleep.

IN CITY HALL...

Mayor John Cena was frantic. "Where the hell is my WWE Championship belt?" he cried at the top of his lungs, running around in circles in a thong that said "Word Life" on the front.

"Mayor Cena? I think you should see this," his ASSistant Torrie Wilson said. She approached him clutching a note. "I found this in your belt's gold-plated case."

He snatched the paper from her and started to read it aloud. It read: Dear Mayor Cena, brother. I have your belt, brother. Now I can go forth with my diabolical plan to spread Hulkamania all over the world, brother. I will use the spinner from your championship belt to control my machine, brother. You will never see it again, brother! Now what ya gonna do, brother, when Hulk Hogan A.K.A. No Mo Ho Ho, runs wild on you? Brother! Sincerely, No Mo Ho Ho. Brother... P.S. My faithful sidekick, Ric Flair, A.K.A. Wooooo Kid, has one thing to say. Wooooo! Brother!

"Why the hell does he say brother so much?" Mayor Cena asked.

"It sounds so dumb," Torrie agreed.

"I can't handle those two old farts by myself. Do you know what this means?" he asked.

"Um... They live happily ever after?" she asked.

"If you weren't such a good lay, I'd fire you," he muttered. Louder, he went on, "This is a job for the Hardcore Boyz!"

IN THE HARDCORE BOYZ BEDROOM...

The phone started to ring at 2 AM in the morning. "Get your asses up. Get your asses up. Get your asses up," the phone repeated in a mechanized, robotic voice. It was monotonic and annoying as hell.

"Get the phone, one of you ass clowns!" Jericho groaned, pulling a pillow over his head.

"You get it, you little fucker," Taker retorted, punching Jericho and still half-sleep now.

"I'll get it, you damn babies," Kane said. He was never in a good mood when he had to wake up in the middle of a good dream. In his dream, he'd been just about to kiss his new bride, Molly the brush, when he heard the stupid phone saying, "Get your asses up. Get your asses up. Get your asses up."

Kane staggered over to the phone and answered it. "Hello? What the hell do you want?" He listened for a minute. "Ok. We'll be there shortly." He hung up the phone. Now he was faced with the arduous task of getting his crazy ass brothers out of bed.

After pleading with them for five minutes, he went to his last resort. He took a deep breath, pulled the covers off them, and lit their asses on fire with his fire breath. They both jumped up screaming like little bitches. Kane laughed as Jericho froze the bed with his ice breath and his brothers cooled their burning asses on the ice.

"What the hell did you set us on fire for, you little bitch?" Taker grumbled, frantically rubbing his burning ass across the cold ice.

"We have to go to City Hall," Kane informed them. "Seems like No Mo Ho Ho and Wooooo Kid have struck again."

"Those old farts made you burn our asses?" Jericho asked angrily. Kane nodded. "I'm gonna kill them!"

"Hellz yeah. And I'm gonna make them famous," Taker added.

"Let's go," Kane said.

They quickly pulled on some clothes and wrestling boots, then flew out the window and through the night sky, headed for City Hall.

IN CITY HALL...

The Hardcore Boyz flew through the wall, leaving cutouts of their bodies behind. They came to an abrupt halt when they saw Mayor Cena and what he was wearing.

"Er, Mayor? Did you know your balls are hanging out?" Jericho asked.

Mayor Cena looked down. "That's not the point. No Mo Ho Ho and Wooooo Kid have stolen my WWE Championship belt and I need it back!" he exclaimed. "Or else, Hulkamania will rule the world!"

"Shit. I'd die if that happened!" Taker exclaimed.

"We'll have it for you," Kane promised. "Come on, let's go." The Hardcore Boyz flew out the window and headed straight for No Mo Ho Ho's not-so-secret hideout.

"I'm so damn tired," Jericho said, yawning loudly. "I swear I'm gonna kick No Mo's ass!"

"Jericho! Watch out for that-" Kane began. Jericho flew straight into a pole. "Pole," Kane finished.

"I'm ok!" Jericho exclaimed, swallowing a tooth. "No pole is gonna keep a rock star like me down! I see stars..." He was silent as a new tooth replaced the one he'd just swallowed.

"You ass," Taker laughed. "How could you not see that?"

"Fuck you," Jericho said, and they continued flying.

IN NO MO HO HO'S NOT-SO-SECRET HIDEOUT...

"Now as soon as I get this spinner off, brother, I can put it on my machine, and Hulkamania will be one step closer to world domination!" No Mo Ho Ho exclaimed. "Ha ha ha ha ha! Brother!"

"Wooooo!" Wooooo Kid cried.

"Brother!"

"Wooooo!"

"Brother!"

"Would you please, puh-lease, SHUT! THE HELL! UP!" Jericho yelled as the Hardcore Boyz made their grand entrance.

"Who do you think you are, brother? We're two of the oldest players in the game!" No Mo Ho Ho exclaimed. "Brother!"

"And you both should've retired before you started," Taker said.

"You can't stop us. We're immortal," Wooooo Kid cried. "Wooooo!"

"Let's skip the formalities, asses," Kane said. "You guys woke me up out of a great dream, so now I have to light both your asses on fire!"

"You wish!" Wooooo Kid yelled. "Wooooo!"

Kane figured that actions speak louder than words, so he went to stand behind the two old villains, took a deep breath, and let the flames burst from his mouth.

"Brother! My ass is burning!" No Mo Ho Ho cried.

"Oh no! Are your hemorrhoids back?" Wooooo Kid asked. "Wooooo!"

"Not my asshole, brother, just my ass!" No Mo Ho Ho wailed.

"Let's do this quick," Taker said. "I'm fucking tired as hell, and we have to get ready for school five hours from now." He walked over to No Mo Ho Ho and grabbed him by the neck.

"Ah, brother! I can't breathe!" No Mo Ho Ho cried as Taker quickly jumped twenty feet into the air. He knew what was coming when Taker landed on a platform at the top. Thinking he somehow had to get out of Taker's grip, he kicked him as hard as he could between the legs, then screamed in agony at the sudden pain in his foot.

"I have balls of steel," Taker smugly informed him. He lifted him high into the air, then yelled a war cry as he jumped off the platform and delivered his devastating Flying Chokeslam of Death.

J.R. and the King appeared out of nowhere to call the action.

"Oh my, King! The Undertaker! The Undertaker just delivered a hellacious chokeslam from twenty feet high!" J.R. yelled. Typical J.R. So dramatic!

"He he! No Mo Ho Ho is dead!" King laughed. "Finally!"

"It's been a long time coming... No, he's twitching," J.R. noticed. "Damn it!"

"Our hopes and dreams are ruined," King said sadly, shaking his head.

No Mo Ho Ho was no longer capable of fighting. He was laid out on the floor twitching. The Hardcore Boyz circled around Wooooo Kid, who had been left to fend for himself.

"Oh boy, J.R., Wooooo Kid's about to get it!" King said excitedly.

"Step any closer and I'll be forced to put you in the Figure Four lock!" Wooooo Kid threatened. "Wooooo!"

"Somebody slap him," Taker demanded.

"Gladly," Jericho said. He blew his ice breath onto his hand, freezing it, then reared back and slapped the hell out of Wooooo Kid.

"Oh! Jericho delivers the Frozen Bitch Slap From Hell!" J.R. exclaimed.

"Tombstone him just in case, while I go get the belt," Taker ordered Kane as he flew off to find the belt.

Kane melted the ice on Jericho's hand, then picked up Wooooo Kid's body and gave him a Flying Tombstone. Seconds later, Taker was back with the belt.

"And Kane with a brutal Flying Tombstone! Ah ha, this is great!" King yelled.

"Let's get outta here," Jericho said. "These ass clowns ain't getting up anytime soon."

"That was easier than I expected," Kane said, and they flew out the window.

"I'll get my revenge, brother!" No Mo Ho Ho called weakly.

"Wooooo!" Wooooo Kid groaned.

Taker peeped back in the window and shot lightning bolts at them with his eyes. "Take that fuckers!" And then the two villains were silent.

IN CITY HALL...

The Hardcore Boyz flew through the window at City Hall and came to a quick stop as they saw Mayor Cena. He was sitting on the floor with his legs wide open, scratching his balls in earnest.

"Ahem." Kane cleared his throat.

Mayor Cena looked up and blushed. "What? They itch!"

"Remind me never to shake his hand again," Jericho said.

"I will," Taker said, tossing Mayor Cena his belt. "Come on, let's get outta here."

Taker, Jericho, and Kane flew straight through the wall, leaving more cutouts of their bodies behind.

Mayor Cena clutched his WWE Championship belt and looked at the gaping holes they'd left behind in the walls. There were now six. "Torrie, call the contractors first thing in the morning," he said.

"Yes sir, Mayor Cena," she replied.

Narrator: And once again, the day is saved, thanks to...the Hardcore Boyz!

So how'd you guys like this? I was trying to be funny... Review please! Thanks!