FINALLY a Loveless category! Been waiting to upload this for ages...a reminder that I don't own Loveless or any of the characters or plots or anything. But I do own these words
Ritsuka stared at the rain patting softly against his window and thought. Of him.
It must have only been a couple of weeks since he'd first met Soubi, leaning casually against the school, lighting up a cigarette with no concern for the impression he gave. Yes, that was how Ritsuka wished he could be when he was older. Cool, sophisticated, confident. In a way he guessed that this was the impression that he gave off at school...which was probably why those girls had pushed Youki into asking him for his number.
He sighed...somehow he knew that he was different from them. He couldn't make friends and trust people so easily. If he began to trust someone it would have to be someone special. He wasn't sure that he wanted to or could be bothered to explain what had happened two years ago. About the death of his brother but more importantly, what had happened to him. He'd tried in the past to explain it to someone and somehow they hadn't grasped it at all. It's alright for someone else to say 'Well why don't you just be happier and stop worrying' but it just wasn't him somehow...although what really bothered him was whether this was him as well. Who was he...the boy smiling in the photos with his brother or the boy he was now...both were a part of him he guessed, but his mother wanted only the one from before and couldn't see any different.
Again...he sighed and pressed his head against the glass of the window. He hadn't even attempted to explain this to anyone yet. His mothers aggression...how he felt it was all his fault, even though it had started way before he'd lost his memories. If he started to even try to explain, people would look at him in much weirder ways than they did now. No, he did not need that. He didn't need anyone taking what little family he had away from him, even if it hurt him emotionally and physically. His mum was his mum and maybe...if he could remember how he used to be...she might become more of a mother to him again. If he told people about her and how things really were, things would be ruined. It was better this way...less questions and more freedom for him to do as he pleased. his mum didn't care who he was with or where he was most of the time, as long as it was out of her way.
Soubi had never asked him about his mother. Ritsuka never knew whether Seimei had already told Soubi all about his mother or whether he'd guessed by seeing Ritsuka's bruises or whether he didn't know and simply didn't feel it was his place to ask. For this he was relieved…if he had asked then he didn't know what he might have done. He wouldn't have told Soubi, rather pushed him away even more because of it. he needed this space. Soubi didn't ask him about his mother and didn't push him to explain things. Somehow he just knew things. And if he didn't know things...well, he just didn't let Ritsuka know this. Just acted like he understood until he got enough information to make an informed guess. He supposed that this was the main reason that Soubi'd gotten so close to Ritsuka lately...although whether that was a problem or not, Ritsuka wasn't sure.
He lifted his head and gazed out at the rain which was beginning to lessen, the dark clouds moving over to reveal the inky black sky, stars shining out to greet the Earth. Maybe if he stared hard enough he'd see Soubi standing outside his house, or maybe walking along the street, cigarette in hand. He didn't really want to talk to Soubi. The man was too confusing, telling him that he loved him every few minutes, even though they'd only really just met. What kind of guy said that to a kid anyways! Soubi turned and looked back into his room, banging his head on the window slightly. It was neat and organised...unlike his feelings.
'Soubi, Soubi, Soubi, Soubi, Soubi,' Ritsuka tapped his head against the window softly. If he chanted the name in his head long enough it would stick forever and maybe he'd even come to some kind of conclusion about him. He couldn't stand the guy sometimes...they'd hardly known each other and already Soubi had invaded Ritsuka's close knit circle consisting of him himself and he...and now him, Soubi. Not only this, but Ritsuka hadn't even confided much to him so he was left with no idea as to how it had happened. Somehow, through their random encounters and battles, no matter if Ritsuka suffered the guys presence or not, even if he sent him away, Ritsuka had come to crave Soubi's presence. He didn't want to speak to him particularly; in fact what he really wanted was just to have him there. Sitting with him, maybe holding his hand, or holding him in his strong body...
Ritsuka blushed and remembered that first encounter. Soubi's lips upon his. It was strange...he hadn't even thought of doing that with anybody before and although his body and mind had told him it was disgusting, his heart told him something different. It hurt to have someone kissing him like that, even though afterwards his mind assured him that actually, it was rather a chaste kiss, nothing really steamy, almost innocent. But still, it hurt. Almost like his own heart was wanting to reach out to touch Soubi's through their lips but there was pressure pushing it back and suppressing it. Ritsuka didn't know what was right, whether he should have let it go or not. The fear was still there...if he had have let it go, if he had let his feelings reach out to surround Soubi and pull him in, maybe Ritsuka would have had to show Soubi everything and then there would have been questions, tears, he would have been completely at risk, vulnerable, just like when he lost his memories, having to rely on others to tell him what he should be like, how he should feel, he didn't like people telling him what to feel, no he hated people telling him how to be, he hated Soubi for doing this to him, making him feel something when he wasn't sure if he wanted to feel it, or even to feel at all.
But then the only way to stop it was to stop seeing and Soubi and somehow...somehow he wasn't ready for that. He was used to Soubi standing there after school, waiting for him. It was nice having something to depend on, unlike his mother with her violent mood changes...Ritsuka walked slowly to his bed and lay on it staring at the cell phone which was cradled in his hand...yes it was nice to have someone there for you. If he pressed a button his phone for long enough he knew Soubi would be there to answer it...even if he didn't want to speak to him...he could just listen...listen to Soubi's breathing...perhaps even hear his heartbeat down the phone if he listened hard enough...he knew that Soubi was a liar...he knew that Soubi didn't, couldn't love him...but it was nice...just to know that someone was there...
Just as Ritsuka was staring at the phone he heard something at the window and jumped slightly, which pulled him out of his thoughts.
To his surprise it was Soubi, who climbed through the window.
"It doesn't do anything if you just stare at it."
Even though he was a liar...it was nice to have someone to depend on.
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