Disclaimer: I do NOT own Peacemaker Kurogane or Rurouni Kenshin. They are the properties of their respective creators and the Shinsengumi and Ishin belong to history. This is an insanity fic not to be taken seriously.

Side note: Originally, Ryouma's pet-name for Umeko was to be Cinnamon Plum. The kanji for Katsura means cinnamon. But it sounded real weird, so I changed it to Sugar Plum. The Japanese word for sugar is sato, sounds like Saitou right? Weird, eh?

This chapter's for all Umeko-haters. Umeko trod on lots of toes from her days as the chairwoman of the WAJ. Think how she nearly ruined Saitou when he arrested her newspaper staff at Umeya.

Sake Shack LIVE! 12: Down with Umeko

Kyoto Sake Shack. Before the show. Someone is furtively painting some graffiti on the stage backdrop. Okina comes a-sneaking with his own pail of paint. He bumps into…

"Saitou? Er, I mean, Officer Fujita?" The old man blinked in surprise. Then he saw the words on the backdrop. UMEKO BITCH. "You too?" Saitou nodded before he darted back into the shadows as the lights came on. Nami and her girls came in to prepare for the show. They saw Okina with the paint pail and the freshly painted words.

"YOU!" With a furious snarl, the girls attacked. Okina fled for his life.

Saitou smirked as he wiped his hands and innocently went to join his family. A little payback to Umeko-dono for making his life difficult ten years ago with her special connections to the bakufu through the sisterhood of the Women's Association. Especially that little cuppa tea Tokio gave him behind the temple library. Coming in, Tokio raised a delicate eyebrow as she recognized the handwriting on the backdrop. She stomped painfully on her hubby's toes.

Umeko glided onto the stage as the audience filled up with the dearly departed and those still living. She is wearing a new Western-type gown. Does this gown make me look fat? Oh my! She just spotted the words behind her.

Me? Oh I'm so hurt. At least they should have spelled witch properly. The 3 Witches of Kyoto... Are the other two in the house? Fess up! We all know what they called us behind our backs…

Kyoto morgue-keeper and back street physician Kitsu-dono and Kyoto medium Emiko raised their hands.

Well, I'm the only dead witch. You only know a person's full worth when he's dead… Any comments from the floor? She studies the words with a slight smile. Her brother Kogoro raised his hand. "You were closer to Sakamoto than was socially acceptable! I mean, hanging out drinking sake, gambling…"

Sakamoto: "Kogoro! You misunderstood us. We were purely platonic friends. You were biased since that first meeting." He walked over to the projector and turned it on.

(Flashback. Kyoto. Sakamoto meets Umeko for the first time at Umeya. He just finished his meal.)

"Katsura-dono, you are truly the best cook I have met in all my travels."

"Please, Sakamoto-san, call me Umeko."

"Umeko? All righty, Sugar Plum. I'm Ryouma, a NICE GUY!" Soon the pair are chatting like old friends. Meanwhile Kogoro is wondering why Sakamoto's taking so long with his lunch. He decides he better go look for the man. Back at Umeya…

"Say, if we Japanese bow when greeting each other, how do foreigners greet each other?" Umeko asked with her eyes glowing. Ryouma smiles as he explains. He takes her hand and demonstrates.

"This is a handshake. They use it in the America and Europe for greeting. For a man greeting a lovely lady…" He takes Umeko's hand in his and plants a light, chaste kiss on it, in front of a horrified Kogoro.

(End flashback)

"You kissed my neesan!"

"Come'n! It was just a little peck on the hand!" Ryouma guffawed and slapped Kogoro on the back. "You didn't need to run me outta town…"

"How did you explain the nights at the shack?"

(Reel of Umeko and Ryouma placing their bets at the Sake Shack Night matches, the pair drinking sake and playing janken, laughing and joking like old friends. Maybe Umeko's behaving in a manner unbecoming of a proper Japanese lady…)

Baby brother, it wasn't that bad. I'm entitled to a bit of time out in between Umeya and your business. If you can hang out with your girlfriend, I don't see why I can't hang out with my platonic pal…

Takasugi gets up from his seat and puts his own reel on the projector. "Come on, Kogoro, your sister is spirited."

(Kyoto Sakura Inn Tearoom. Takasugi-sensei is teaching his beginner shamisen class when Umeko bursts into the room with her naginata.)

Umeko: "Sumimasen! I'm late for the training… Oops! Isn't this the Choushu Women's Brigade training?"

Takasugi: "Ma'am, that women's army is the Aizu Women's Brigade… This is a shamisen class for beginners. Cough!"

Umeko: "Isn't that a crying shame! Can I join in the training for the guys, Takasugi-san? I've trained in the naginata since I was twelve."

Takasugi: "Well, I don't see why not… I can tell you the place later…koff, koff!"

Umeko: "Well, since I'm here… How about letting me join your class?" She sits down and picks up a shamisen. Everyone cringes as Umeko gives the worst piece of shamisen playing in Tokugawa Japanese history.

(End reel)

Takasugi laughed. "And we all knew how she dished out her naginata on those unfortunate fools who tried to proposition her! And that rival establishment…"

Aoshi turned to Misao. "She was the mysterious veiled shamisen player who came to play at our Aoiya one night, right?"

Misao nodded solemnly. "Hai, the one who scared off all our customers for two months. After Ji-ya tried to talk merger with her via the Post."

"Merger? That letter sounds more like an indecent proposal…" Katsura retorted.

I had a busy life, running the restaurant, managing the WAJ as chairwoman, patching up my baby brother's men after they get into fights, later helping to run a tabloid… risking arrest by an over-zealous wolf pack…

(Flashback. Umeya kitchen. Umeko is busy beating eggs for soup, overseeing the WAJ charity blanket sewing drive and directing the newspaper staff, mostly women and children, at the press, when…)

"We are the Shinsengumi!" Saitou led his men as they charged into the back room. Women screamed and children were crying. Some kids quickly threw a cloth over the printing press. Unfortunately, Harada speared the press all the same, narrowly missing a little boy.

"Bring them all back for questioning!" Saitou ordered as the men rounded up everyone present. A woman was visibly outraged as she is pulled away from the blanket-sewing table. "I demand to know what's going on! Unhand me! How dare you treat a niece of the Emperor with disrespect?" She hissed and tried to kick Saitou in the shin.

"Right, and I'm the Goddess of Mercy… Take them all back for questioning!" Saitou replied. "Katsura Umeko, are you the owner of this building?" He turned on the nonchalant Umeko, who was still merrily beating eggs.

"So what if I am, coward? Fancy grown men like you picking on little kiddies…" Umeko stared down Saitou as he took up a Gatotsu stance. When…

"Saitou Hajime!" Takagi Tokio stepped into the room. Saitou went pale and…

"Fall back, men! Harada-san! You take the prisoners to the lockup!" Saitou fled through the back door. His men followed suit. Harada gave a stunned look at everyone present. He decided he'd take those they've already arrested. Umeko is overlooked as she continued pottering about the kitchen. When the Miburou have all left, Umeko spoke to Tokio.

"Takagi-san, I do believe they've just arrested Princess Kiroro of the royal family, your distant cousin, Lady Reiko and her young son, and Lord Miyagi's wife and daughters…" Umeko went on to list the names of members of important families. Takagi sweat-drops mightily.

(End flashback)

"That was a disaster…" The late Shinsengumi leaders groaned in unison.

"And you guys thought me having a cannon fired into that Choushu-supporting kimono store was a disaster? Enough to have me and my family killed?" Serizawa Kamo, one-time Shinsengumi chief, looked at his assassins with a raised eyebrow.

Saitou had his head bent low and hands over his face. "Kio, I need my cigarettes…" She handed him one packet. He quickly lights up.

"I warned you not to over-do that, Saitou-san," Okita smiled weakly.

Maybe we will dedicate a whole night to our boys in blue and white next time… to show the very human side of the wolves through their blunders. Now for a break…

A/N:

Serizawa Kamo was the Shinsengumi chief Kondo, Hijikata, Okita and Yamanami assassinated in PMK about a year before the Ikeda-ya incident. The one San-nan feels major guilty about. Historically, they were ordered to remove him because of charges of corruption, bribery and extortion. One account has him ordering a cannon shot into a store because they didn't pay protection money.