Disclaimer: I do NOT own Peacemaker Kurogane or Rurouni Kenshin. They are the properties of their respective creators and the Shinsengumi and Ishin belong to history. This is an insanity fic not to be taken seriously.
I'm kinda dead in the water recently. Not so much on Battousai this time. A few pokes at the wolves.
Sake Shack LIVE! 14: Of Wolves on Patrol
Umeko was wearing her standard pink Umeya kimono.
Welcome ladies and gentlemen, living or otherwise. Tonight is dedicated to the guys from Mibu! A round of applause! (She gives Okita a very chummy hug and drags him on stage.) While you were keeping the peace, you had to deal with all sorts of cases from arson-inclined dissidents to stray panthers…
Yamanami joined them on the stage. "Umeko-san, it was our duty… we couldn't have done it without the support of the citizens of Kyoto."
(Flashback reels of angry Choushu war widows flinging rotten eggs, sandals, stones etc. at the Shinsengumi HQ. The women then adjourned to shrine woods where they heartily cursed select members of the group by nailing straw dummies to the trees.)
Nami: "Oops! Wrong reel…"
Never mind that, Nami. On to the panther incident… There was a time when Kyoto streets were stalked by an animal known as a panther. Only the very brave or totally desperate will be caught out on the streets at night…
(Flashback. Night time Kyoto. A Shinsengumi patrol is on routine patrol duties.)
Random taishi whispers: "The reason I'm here is because neglect of duties mean seppuku."
The group halts as they hear an ominous growl from the shadows of an alley… The panther attacks and the group flee for safety.
(Shinsengumi HQ. The Comedian Trio are discussing anti-panther measures. Their master plan happens to include cannon. In Hijikata's room, Okita is drinking his medicine under Toshi's supervision.)
Suddenly the guards start yelling. "Panther attack!" The trio reacts by rolling out the big cannon and firing it at the beast.
"On the roof!" The trio aims the cannon and fires… missing the beast but taking a chunk out of Hijikata's room. They rush to the scene to find a bleeding Hijikata out cold on top on a semi-conscious Okita. Their clothes were blown off by the blast.
"Er, are we disturbing anything?"
(End flashback reel)
Hijikata glared at the Trio. "Didn't I order you ahous to commit seppuku for attempted murder?" Okita restrained him. "Mou, it was just an accident. Besides, we were that badly hurt…"
"Excuse me, Souji… I got most of the blast. The doctor took hours removing splinters from me!"
Thankfully, the beast was eventually dispatched by a civic-minded trainee swordsman…
(Flashback. Dark alleyway, Kyoto. Himura Kenshin, then known as Battousai is waiting for his contact when he is attacked by the panther. He does a battou-jutsu on it. End of the beast terror of Kyoto.)
Shimpachi: "Thank Buddha for that! Me and the guys were thinking of using Saizou as bait…"
"My Saizou, Bait?" Okita stood up suddenly with a really scary look on his face. He glared at the Trio. The Trio gulped and fled.
Suzu: "My poor Blackie… You bloodthirsty beasts killed my poor Blackie!" He sobs into Blackie's pelt which Himura had mailed back to Blackie's doting owner, Yamatoya Suzu, formerly known as Kitamura Suzu.
Ah, the Trio never failed to turn the most mundane chores into a topic of concern. You were a misunderstood bunch…
(Flashback. Dr Matsumoto just presented a wild boar to the Trio. The delighted threesome are roasting the boar behind the temple library. Harada is dividing the meat.)
Harada: This is for you, Shinpachi. This is for you, Hei-kun…
Shinpachi: (staring at his morsel.) "Hey, Sano! It's unfair! You always get the biggest share!"
Harada:" It's because I need the extra meat! Dr Matsumoto said so himself!"
Shinpachi: "Why you… (tackles Sano)"
(The Trio wind up rolling in the dirt in a wrestling match. Hyper gossipy Choushu-supporting old women come passing by…)
Old women: "Oh my!"
(End flashback reel)
By dinnertime, word was rife the three of you were caught engaging in really kinky stuff behind the library.
Shinpachi: (to his wife on his return to his seat) "Honey, I told you I was innocent!"
The missus: "Not of those Shimabara visits!"
Of course, that isn't to say you didn't improve the law and order of Kyoto. Who can forget your little rat-busting operation at a certain inn? Too bad you went a tad overboard. Kudos to Okita for ridding us of a certain rat by the name Yoshida-
Yoshida: "Hey! You crazy woman! That's slander!"
You were a fire-rat! If Kenshin were taking his orders from me then, I'd order him to have you exterminated. I simply didn't want to risk any of my girls. Burning Kyoto indeed! Hmph!
Suzu: "Hang on… You mean Okita killed Sensei? More than ten years of plotting, and it's all against the wrong person? You mean I set up Yamanami's death, killed Sakamoto all for nothing! While the real murderer is dead from TB?"
Sakamoto's supporters suddenly grabbed Suzu and marched him out. Yoshida simply watched as his one-time page is frog-marched past him.Umeko trotted after them with a naginata. Sara wheeled out a wooden coffin she just got from a cheap auction.
Tetsu: "Should I go help? Yes!"
He grabbed a nearby spade and joined the procession to the Kyoto graveyard. Saya followed with a handful of nails with their son holding a lamp for light. Kenshin takes the mike.
Hello? I'm Himura Kenshin, formerly known as Battousai. Look, I have turned over a new leaf, and I'd appreciate it if certain former Shinsengumi captains, deceased or otherwise, quit dropping at my place for a duel, ok? Harada-san, Kaoru wasn't too happy about you poking a hole in the dojo wall. I understand you want to flee for China due to certain bad debts and wish to settle any unfinished business in Japan first but this Bakumatsu duel thing is a bit overdone already. And to those dearly departed by my blade or otherwise, I promise to put fresh flowers on your grave later. Just quit harassing my family already. Especially you, Sou!
Okita: "Nani?"
He looked up from where he was instructing Kenji and Tsumoto in kendo. Both boys are holding real katanas.
Okita: "Mou, your boy has so much promise! Why don't you let me and Saitou tutor him a whiles?"
Saitou chokes on his cigarette. Tutor the Himura boy? Never! "Tsu-chan! Keep away from the brat!" Tsu-chan obeyed and trotted back to his father's side. Saitou took the katana carefully from his son. "Tsumoto, you're too young for a real sword."
Okita: "Saitou-san! You sound just like Hijikata-san! I got mine when I was…" he is cut off as Kaoru threw a bokken at him.
"How dare you give my little Kenji a sword!"
"Ta-nu-ki!" Okita stuck his tongue out childishly at a livid Kaoru.
Kenshin glared at Okita. "I think I'll make an exception this time… I see you've got your katana…" He dragged Okita out the back, taking his sakabatou as he passed his table…
The graveyard procession returned without Suzu. Umeko remarked: "Hey, I thought Himura took a vow not to kill? He looked real mean fighting with Souji outside in the alley."
Tetsu: "Technically, Okita-san's dead, so I guess he wouldn't be killing anyone, right?"
Almost everyone in the shack rushed out to see the duel of the century.