THE POSTWAR SERIES
A collaborative effort between myself, Catilinarian, and Synn.
Rating: R for suggestive accessories.
Summary: Suggested titles and summaries for follow-ups to Book Seven. The unfortunate product of cake for breakfast and too many basilisk jokes.
Disclaimer: Not our characters. Not our fault. Okay, maybe our fault.
Book One: Harry Potter and the Stoned Sorcerer
In which Harry, having defeated Voldemort, performs a loving intervention with Ron, who is having difficulty confronting his trauma in a productive and healthy manner. Has been turned into a very special afternoon programme by ABC Family Channel, alternatively titled in the US: "Harry Potter Just Says No."
Book Two: Harry Potter and the Chamber of Commerce
In which Harry moves to the suburbs, marries Hermione, and attempts to take out a small business loan.
Book Three: Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Love
In which Harry and Ron, who has just returned from an extended sojourn in Afghanistan, discover fulfillment and happiness when Harry chains Ron up in his basement in a gimp mask and tights, while Hermione watches from her cage in the corner. Has NOT been turned into an afternoon special for ABC family channel.
Book Four: Harry Potter and the Goblin Who Got Fired
In which Hermione persuades Harry to use his fame for good, and makes him the spokesman for the Goblin, House-Elf and Basilisk Liberation Front. Harry is arrested at a demonstration and taken to prison, where he soul-searches and writes horrendous poetry. Has been turned into a special production for the Lifetime Movie Channel, starring Sissy Spacek as Hermione, Ron, the Goblin, and the third prisoner from the left. Iranian title: "Not Without My Basilisk."
Book Five: Harry Potter and the Order from Phoenix
In which Harry expands his business online, and uses its profits to fund the Liberation Front. The plot thickens when he receives a mysterious order for basilisk skins from Arizona, and he must decide whether to destroy his wife's lover in order to save her NGO.
Book Six: Harry Potter and the Blooding of the Prince
In which Harry retires, joins the Tory party, and takes up hunting, shooting, and molesting young aristocratic men. Has been turned into a miniseries by HBO, starring Leonardo DiCaprio as a half-naked and oily Draco Malfoy, Jr.
Book Seven: … to be continued …