For Bellatrix LeStrange, all cemeteries possess a sort of unintentional
beauty. They're a lot like gardens, the graves covered with grass and
flowers. Modest tombstones are lost in the abundant greenery. Vines have to
be peeled back to read epitaphs, and there's an element of discovery which
allows her to imagine that she's a nineteenth century English explorer
delving into the Dark Continent. She's captivated by the way carnations
stay at the base of graves long after they've wilted, like a collection of
floral shrunken heads. Even in the bad times, after the end of the first
war, with the imminence of Azkaban, when she felt blue, she would get on
her Firebolt, and leave London far behind, and walk through one of the
country cemeteries she loved so well. Against a backdrop of grey sky, the
mausoleums were as lovely as an aria.
For Severus Snape, cemeteries are an exceedingly ugly dump of old stones and bones.
And such a viewpoint made him considerably less pleased to be standing in one on what would otherwise have been a very pleasant Sunday morning. "Bellatrix," He whimpered, "why must we always meet in graveyards?"
"Because they're really, really pretty."
"It's such a cliché that I can barely live with myself."
"Clichéd? How?"
"Well, you know, that we..." He eyed the old woman sitting on the stone bench suspiciously, "that people in our... club... are so obsessed with... the club's name... that we have to... Bellatrix, it's a cliché. And we should start meeting in coffee shops, or something."
"That would be unbearably bourgeois. Besides, I was visiting Regulus's grave today. I like this cemetery. Lots of Blacks buried here. Not Sirius, of course, but that's no surprise. There's Auntie and Uncle, see, over there, behind the lilies, and there's little Reggie."
"We killed little Reggie."
"Well, Reggie was a traitorous bastard. So it goes. But asides from that, really, a very nice kid."
"But we did..."
"Sevvie, death is what we do. And it doesn't matter how many people you kill, what matters is how you treat them when they're still alive."
"Did you leave something on his grave?"
"Naturally."
"Carnations?"
"Playboy Magazine. You have to know your audience."
Severus smiled, and caught sight of the tiny paths of skulls leading up to most of the Black graves. He turned back to Bellatrix. "Your work?"
"I believe in being aesthetically pleasing, above all things. Why don't you like graveyards? Too morbid?"
He disliked graveyards because he was a terrible coward, with an overwhelming fear of his own mortality who believed in putting a stopper in death whenever possible.
"I just find them very unpleasant. Not that I'm a coward."
"Of course not. No one ever thinks of you as cowardly, despite the fact that it's a commonly acknowledged Slytherin characteristic."
"Is that a note of sarcasm I detect? I'm really not a coward, I'm not..."
"Whatever you say, Sevvie. Do you want to walk across the street? There's a Starbucks. We could go to Starbucks. Starbucks has coffee. Starbucks is everywhere. Starbucks is taking over the world."
"You seem mesmerized by it."
"I've been away for almost fifteen years, things have changed. Do you have muggle money on you?"
"Yes."
"Oh, good. You're paying, then." She linked her arm affectionately in his, and skipped nimbly along into the coffee shop. No sooner had they entered than a muggle boy began tugging on the hem of Severus's robe, and said, in a horrible, grating voice, worse than any Albus Dumbledore could have thrust upon Voldemort, "You look funny, mister!"
Bellatrix leapt back in horror.
"Are you from the circus," whined the child, gripping the train of Severus's robes and waving it about, "because I like the circus. Do a trick! Do a trick now!"
Severus knelt down before the boy with a quiet solemnity that would make any woman watching him decide that he would be a wonderful father some day. He pressed his lips up to child's ear and whispered "How does this sound for a trick? I'll gnaw off your ears before eating the rest of the flesh from your body, and then, I'll pick my teeth with your bones. Good trick?"
The boy ran off, and buried his face in the skirt of a formidable woman carrying a Grande Mocha Iced Chai Latte Chocolate Americano Frappuccino with Whipped Cream. "Mommy," he mewled, "that mean man said he'd like to eat my ears!"
"Shh, Tommy," replied his mother "they're probably Eastern European. That might be something they do in their country. It's a cultural difference, isn't it! And we don't make fun of other peoples' cultures, do we?"
"No," whimpered Tommy.
"Alright then. Let's go. Wave to the Eastern Europeans, Tommy."
Tommy waved timidly, and Severus bared his teeth.
"That was... breathtaking," stated Bellatrix, "I'm impressed. Now, you can get me a cappuccino."
"Mmm," Replied Severus, procuring a 5 pound note from his pocket and, gripping it securely, if somewhat menacingly, waved it about in front of him.
"What are you doing?" asked Bellatrix.
"I'm waiting for them to come serve us."
"No, you have to go to the counter."
Severus strode forth as if to bludgeon a basilisk. "I need a medium cappuccino," he proclaimed.
"Oh," replied the excitable counter boy, "we don't say 'medium' here, sir! We say 'grande'! We also say 'tall', and 'venti.'"
"Yes, well, I'm quite certain you do," replied Severus, "but I say 'medium.' Now give me a medium cappuccino." The man at counter gave him a medium cappuccino, but it was clear that his heart wasn't in it. Snape deposited the cup in front of Bellatrix with a tiny, half-proud smile, which seemed to indicate that he had just survived an epic battle that had left all the enemy combatants dead.
"Thanks," said Bellatrix.
"So,' mused Severus, "will the Dark Lord be joining us?"
"I hope so. Did he mention that I spent the night..."
"On the couch. I already heard. Is your version more titillating?"
"No," sighed Bellatrix, sipping her cappuccino glumly, "do you think he likes me? I mean, likes me in a... No, that sounds so jejune, forget I said that. Anyway, even if he did, it wouldn't do. I don't think I could ever really have a fling with him. I'd never know if he really liked me for me, or if he was just using me to breed a satanic heir and take over the planet. Not that I wouldn't be a really good mother for a satanic heir."
"Well, exactly. We all saw how well you handled Tommy back there."
"Mmm," muttered Bellatrix, as she nuzzled her cappuccino foam dolefully.
"So!" exclaimed Severus brightly, "how is that husband of yours!"
"My husband? Oh, that's right. Rudolphus. I'd forgotten about him entirely. I don't know. He's probably off shagging some mudblood. It's so depressing. I'm more celibate than McGonagall."
"More celibate?"
"One hears rumors. What about you? Do you have lots of wild sex with teenagers? Don't tell me if you do, I'll have to kill myself."
"Nothing. Ever. Celibacy is the new black. That's why I dress like a vicar."
"That's certainly how I keep justifying it."
"Speaking of the new black, I do love those robes on you. It's rather unnerving to see you in pink, though. Special occasion?"
Bellatrix looked about to respond, when Voldemort tottered in, looking lost and frightened, with a twig stuck in his hood.
"Why are we here?" asked Voldemort, "we were supposed to meet at the graveyard! I waited! I waited, and waited, and no one came. And I had horrible flashbacks to the day they all forgot my birthday at the orphanage."
"Oh," murmured Bellatrix, and she leaned over to remove the twig from his bald skull, "we meant to tell you, my Lord. I'm sorry. Very sorry. Here, have some cappuccino, Severus is paying."
"Hear that 'my lord' business?" whispered the man at the next table, "definitely Eastern European."
Voldemort sniffled. "I don't like cappuccino. I want a Chocolate Brownie Frappuccino."
"And you can have one," soothed Bellatrix, "Severus, go buy him a Chocolate Brownie Frappuccino."
"And I want it venti!" screeched the Dark Lord.
By the time Severus returned, bearing the beverage, Voldemort seemed to have regained most of his steely composure. "Thank you, Severus," he said, nudging the tiny chocolate bear off the side of his cup, "now, how did that book thing go? With the Granger girl."
"She was tolerable."
Bellatrix's eyes lit up with an expression of profound interest, "Did she try to seduce you?"
"Certainly not!"
"Are you sure?"
In her youth, Bellatrix had once whispered in her potion master's ear that she'd be, "willing to polish his cauldron any day of the week." He said, "how about next Tuesday at eight?" She arrived in a corset and a miniskirt and spent the evening scraping dried bat dung off a cauldron, while he organized his file cabinet. It was then that Bellatrix discovered that men who live in basements are not known for their ability to appreciate innuendo. She's been a little bitter about it ever since.
"Positive."
"Because all schoolgirls must have fantasies you know. Especially about potion masters. You have the word 'master' worked right into your job description, after all."
"Would you consider seducing her?" queried Voldemort, "It would make her very receptive to any organizations you were involved with. And Bella is right, she could certainly be attracted to you, were you to exert any effort in the matter."
Severus looked shocked once again, "Even if I wanted to – and that's a huge 'if' at the moment, though I'll admit she was much better company than I anticipated – there would be an enormous scandal."
"Wait," Replied Voldemort, his eyes glinting wildly, "What if... now this is going to sound a bit far fetched, but work with me... what if we kidnapped her. And then we got everyone in the DE to pretend that we were having a huge orgy, and we were going to rape her. And then you came in and said, 'No, no, Dark Lord! Don't rape her! No, no!' And I had to say 'why?' and you said, 'because she's my sex toy!' and I said, 'well, then prove it!' And then I laughed maniacally, thus forcing you to have sex with her right there! But it wouldn't be like rape, because secretly, she'd enjoy it. And then she'd be kind of unnerved, but she'll fantasize about how good the rape in front of Death Eater minions was, and come back for more."
Severus chuckled wildly, Bellatrix laughed so hard she began to choke on her cappuccino foam.
"What?" said Voldemort, "I think it's a logical idea."
"Really," replied Bellatrix, "sometimes you're just too funny."
"I could just slip her a lust potion," Severus suggested.
"Notoriously unreliable," noted Voldemort.
"Well..." said Bellatrix, stirring her straw idly, "now, I'm just throwing out ideas here, and this does hinge a lot on Fudge being a total psychopath, which we've never quite found to be the case before, but we could enact a law that said that muggleborns had to breed with purebloods. Then we'd steal all the letters that would arrive from men who wanted to marry a famed, bright and, really, quite attractive witch, and we'd see that you were the only one who could possibly marry her. She'd see your sparkling personality, because we know that all women forced into arranged marriages see their new husbands sparkling personality, and then you'd be able to bring her into the Death Eaters."
Bellatrix giggled cheerfully, Severus convulsed in such a burst of laughter that his wand dropped on the ground. As he knelt down to pick it up, he couldn't help noticing that Voldemort's hoof had extended to nudge against Bellatrix's pearly pink stilettos.
"I can't imagine," Severus remarked, as Voldemort stared at Bellatrix with gooey red eyes, "that a girl whose been shocked by the attentions of Professor Binns would really be the kind to rush into an illicit affair."
"Ah! Professor Binns," nodded Voldemort, "you'll be pleased to know I got Hagrid drunk in the pub again and told him all about it. I think he'll spread the word rather quickly. If we need, we could always go to the Quibbler, what with Potter going to it, I feel its become much more mainstream."
"But," mentioned Bellatrix, "you know, it would be even better if once the Binns business was revealed, we could heap another scandal on top of it. Sexual harassment charges directed towards one of the teachers aren't going to be enough to get Dumbledore kicked out, are they? Can we get dirt on anyone else? And once we get Dumbledore out, who do we appoint Headmaster? I would think it would go directly to that cow, Minerva. Perhaps we could buy Lucius in, but then... Lucius is insane. Not that I don't love him, but he might do some funny things."
"I thought Severus, myself. Modify the curriculum, attempt to place more importance upon the uniqueness of wizarding culture rather than trying to assimilate muggle culture, provide better positions for squibs and house elves, offer reparations to the goblins who we so consistently treat abominably, help the dementors be happier, better adjusted creatures, adopt a domestic policy wherein we provide means of schooling for all cognizant beings of the wizarding world before extending ourselves to the muggle world, but I'm just getting carried away now. See if the girl knows anything Severus, just give her a little push, I'm sure she'd know all the dirt, don't you think?"
"Certainly," replied Bellatrix.
"Right. Good then. Severus, you go to Hogwarts and talk to the girl. I'm going to stay here and talk policy with Bella."
Bellatrix reached for her cup, and brushed her hand briefly against his sinews.
"You two do that," replied Severus "And Bellatrix? Do give my regards to your husband." But given the way the pair was wrapped up in a giddy chat, Severus could hardly have expected her to hear him.
A/N: Reviews do inspire me to update at a much quicker rate.
For Severus Snape, cemeteries are an exceedingly ugly dump of old stones and bones.
And such a viewpoint made him considerably less pleased to be standing in one on what would otherwise have been a very pleasant Sunday morning. "Bellatrix," He whimpered, "why must we always meet in graveyards?"
"Because they're really, really pretty."
"It's such a cliché that I can barely live with myself."
"Clichéd? How?"
"Well, you know, that we..." He eyed the old woman sitting on the stone bench suspiciously, "that people in our... club... are so obsessed with... the club's name... that we have to... Bellatrix, it's a cliché. And we should start meeting in coffee shops, or something."
"That would be unbearably bourgeois. Besides, I was visiting Regulus's grave today. I like this cemetery. Lots of Blacks buried here. Not Sirius, of course, but that's no surprise. There's Auntie and Uncle, see, over there, behind the lilies, and there's little Reggie."
"We killed little Reggie."
"Well, Reggie was a traitorous bastard. So it goes. But asides from that, really, a very nice kid."
"But we did..."
"Sevvie, death is what we do. And it doesn't matter how many people you kill, what matters is how you treat them when they're still alive."
"Did you leave something on his grave?"
"Naturally."
"Carnations?"
"Playboy Magazine. You have to know your audience."
Severus smiled, and caught sight of the tiny paths of skulls leading up to most of the Black graves. He turned back to Bellatrix. "Your work?"
"I believe in being aesthetically pleasing, above all things. Why don't you like graveyards? Too morbid?"
He disliked graveyards because he was a terrible coward, with an overwhelming fear of his own mortality who believed in putting a stopper in death whenever possible.
"I just find them very unpleasant. Not that I'm a coward."
"Of course not. No one ever thinks of you as cowardly, despite the fact that it's a commonly acknowledged Slytherin characteristic."
"Is that a note of sarcasm I detect? I'm really not a coward, I'm not..."
"Whatever you say, Sevvie. Do you want to walk across the street? There's a Starbucks. We could go to Starbucks. Starbucks has coffee. Starbucks is everywhere. Starbucks is taking over the world."
"You seem mesmerized by it."
"I've been away for almost fifteen years, things have changed. Do you have muggle money on you?"
"Yes."
"Oh, good. You're paying, then." She linked her arm affectionately in his, and skipped nimbly along into the coffee shop. No sooner had they entered than a muggle boy began tugging on the hem of Severus's robe, and said, in a horrible, grating voice, worse than any Albus Dumbledore could have thrust upon Voldemort, "You look funny, mister!"
Bellatrix leapt back in horror.
"Are you from the circus," whined the child, gripping the train of Severus's robes and waving it about, "because I like the circus. Do a trick! Do a trick now!"
Severus knelt down before the boy with a quiet solemnity that would make any woman watching him decide that he would be a wonderful father some day. He pressed his lips up to child's ear and whispered "How does this sound for a trick? I'll gnaw off your ears before eating the rest of the flesh from your body, and then, I'll pick my teeth with your bones. Good trick?"
The boy ran off, and buried his face in the skirt of a formidable woman carrying a Grande Mocha Iced Chai Latte Chocolate Americano Frappuccino with Whipped Cream. "Mommy," he mewled, "that mean man said he'd like to eat my ears!"
"Shh, Tommy," replied his mother "they're probably Eastern European. That might be something they do in their country. It's a cultural difference, isn't it! And we don't make fun of other peoples' cultures, do we?"
"No," whimpered Tommy.
"Alright then. Let's go. Wave to the Eastern Europeans, Tommy."
Tommy waved timidly, and Severus bared his teeth.
"That was... breathtaking," stated Bellatrix, "I'm impressed. Now, you can get me a cappuccino."
"Mmm," Replied Severus, procuring a 5 pound note from his pocket and, gripping it securely, if somewhat menacingly, waved it about in front of him.
"What are you doing?" asked Bellatrix.
"I'm waiting for them to come serve us."
"No, you have to go to the counter."
Severus strode forth as if to bludgeon a basilisk. "I need a medium cappuccino," he proclaimed.
"Oh," replied the excitable counter boy, "we don't say 'medium' here, sir! We say 'grande'! We also say 'tall', and 'venti.'"
"Yes, well, I'm quite certain you do," replied Severus, "but I say 'medium.' Now give me a medium cappuccino." The man at counter gave him a medium cappuccino, but it was clear that his heart wasn't in it. Snape deposited the cup in front of Bellatrix with a tiny, half-proud smile, which seemed to indicate that he had just survived an epic battle that had left all the enemy combatants dead.
"Thanks," said Bellatrix.
"So,' mused Severus, "will the Dark Lord be joining us?"
"I hope so. Did he mention that I spent the night..."
"On the couch. I already heard. Is your version more titillating?"
"No," sighed Bellatrix, sipping her cappuccino glumly, "do you think he likes me? I mean, likes me in a... No, that sounds so jejune, forget I said that. Anyway, even if he did, it wouldn't do. I don't think I could ever really have a fling with him. I'd never know if he really liked me for me, or if he was just using me to breed a satanic heir and take over the planet. Not that I wouldn't be a really good mother for a satanic heir."
"Well, exactly. We all saw how well you handled Tommy back there."
"Mmm," muttered Bellatrix, as she nuzzled her cappuccino foam dolefully.
"So!" exclaimed Severus brightly, "how is that husband of yours!"
"My husband? Oh, that's right. Rudolphus. I'd forgotten about him entirely. I don't know. He's probably off shagging some mudblood. It's so depressing. I'm more celibate than McGonagall."
"More celibate?"
"One hears rumors. What about you? Do you have lots of wild sex with teenagers? Don't tell me if you do, I'll have to kill myself."
"Nothing. Ever. Celibacy is the new black. That's why I dress like a vicar."
"That's certainly how I keep justifying it."
"Speaking of the new black, I do love those robes on you. It's rather unnerving to see you in pink, though. Special occasion?"
Bellatrix looked about to respond, when Voldemort tottered in, looking lost and frightened, with a twig stuck in his hood.
"Why are we here?" asked Voldemort, "we were supposed to meet at the graveyard! I waited! I waited, and waited, and no one came. And I had horrible flashbacks to the day they all forgot my birthday at the orphanage."
"Oh," murmured Bellatrix, and she leaned over to remove the twig from his bald skull, "we meant to tell you, my Lord. I'm sorry. Very sorry. Here, have some cappuccino, Severus is paying."
"Hear that 'my lord' business?" whispered the man at the next table, "definitely Eastern European."
Voldemort sniffled. "I don't like cappuccino. I want a Chocolate Brownie Frappuccino."
"And you can have one," soothed Bellatrix, "Severus, go buy him a Chocolate Brownie Frappuccino."
"And I want it venti!" screeched the Dark Lord.
By the time Severus returned, bearing the beverage, Voldemort seemed to have regained most of his steely composure. "Thank you, Severus," he said, nudging the tiny chocolate bear off the side of his cup, "now, how did that book thing go? With the Granger girl."
"She was tolerable."
Bellatrix's eyes lit up with an expression of profound interest, "Did she try to seduce you?"
"Certainly not!"
"Are you sure?"
In her youth, Bellatrix had once whispered in her potion master's ear that she'd be, "willing to polish his cauldron any day of the week." He said, "how about next Tuesday at eight?" She arrived in a corset and a miniskirt and spent the evening scraping dried bat dung off a cauldron, while he organized his file cabinet. It was then that Bellatrix discovered that men who live in basements are not known for their ability to appreciate innuendo. She's been a little bitter about it ever since.
"Positive."
"Because all schoolgirls must have fantasies you know. Especially about potion masters. You have the word 'master' worked right into your job description, after all."
"Would you consider seducing her?" queried Voldemort, "It would make her very receptive to any organizations you were involved with. And Bella is right, she could certainly be attracted to you, were you to exert any effort in the matter."
Severus looked shocked once again, "Even if I wanted to – and that's a huge 'if' at the moment, though I'll admit she was much better company than I anticipated – there would be an enormous scandal."
"Wait," Replied Voldemort, his eyes glinting wildly, "What if... now this is going to sound a bit far fetched, but work with me... what if we kidnapped her. And then we got everyone in the DE to pretend that we were having a huge orgy, and we were going to rape her. And then you came in and said, 'No, no, Dark Lord! Don't rape her! No, no!' And I had to say 'why?' and you said, 'because she's my sex toy!' and I said, 'well, then prove it!' And then I laughed maniacally, thus forcing you to have sex with her right there! But it wouldn't be like rape, because secretly, she'd enjoy it. And then she'd be kind of unnerved, but she'll fantasize about how good the rape in front of Death Eater minions was, and come back for more."
Severus chuckled wildly, Bellatrix laughed so hard she began to choke on her cappuccino foam.
"What?" said Voldemort, "I think it's a logical idea."
"Really," replied Bellatrix, "sometimes you're just too funny."
"I could just slip her a lust potion," Severus suggested.
"Notoriously unreliable," noted Voldemort.
"Well..." said Bellatrix, stirring her straw idly, "now, I'm just throwing out ideas here, and this does hinge a lot on Fudge being a total psychopath, which we've never quite found to be the case before, but we could enact a law that said that muggleborns had to breed with purebloods. Then we'd steal all the letters that would arrive from men who wanted to marry a famed, bright and, really, quite attractive witch, and we'd see that you were the only one who could possibly marry her. She'd see your sparkling personality, because we know that all women forced into arranged marriages see their new husbands sparkling personality, and then you'd be able to bring her into the Death Eaters."
Bellatrix giggled cheerfully, Severus convulsed in such a burst of laughter that his wand dropped on the ground. As he knelt down to pick it up, he couldn't help noticing that Voldemort's hoof had extended to nudge against Bellatrix's pearly pink stilettos.
"I can't imagine," Severus remarked, as Voldemort stared at Bellatrix with gooey red eyes, "that a girl whose been shocked by the attentions of Professor Binns would really be the kind to rush into an illicit affair."
"Ah! Professor Binns," nodded Voldemort, "you'll be pleased to know I got Hagrid drunk in the pub again and told him all about it. I think he'll spread the word rather quickly. If we need, we could always go to the Quibbler, what with Potter going to it, I feel its become much more mainstream."
"But," mentioned Bellatrix, "you know, it would be even better if once the Binns business was revealed, we could heap another scandal on top of it. Sexual harassment charges directed towards one of the teachers aren't going to be enough to get Dumbledore kicked out, are they? Can we get dirt on anyone else? And once we get Dumbledore out, who do we appoint Headmaster? I would think it would go directly to that cow, Minerva. Perhaps we could buy Lucius in, but then... Lucius is insane. Not that I don't love him, but he might do some funny things."
"I thought Severus, myself. Modify the curriculum, attempt to place more importance upon the uniqueness of wizarding culture rather than trying to assimilate muggle culture, provide better positions for squibs and house elves, offer reparations to the goblins who we so consistently treat abominably, help the dementors be happier, better adjusted creatures, adopt a domestic policy wherein we provide means of schooling for all cognizant beings of the wizarding world before extending ourselves to the muggle world, but I'm just getting carried away now. See if the girl knows anything Severus, just give her a little push, I'm sure she'd know all the dirt, don't you think?"
"Certainly," replied Bellatrix.
"Right. Good then. Severus, you go to Hogwarts and talk to the girl. I'm going to stay here and talk policy with Bella."
Bellatrix reached for her cup, and brushed her hand briefly against his sinews.
"You two do that," replied Severus "And Bellatrix? Do give my regards to your husband." But given the way the pair was wrapped up in a giddy chat, Severus could hardly have expected her to hear him.
A/N: Reviews do inspire me to update at a much quicker rate.