"Well," declared Voldemort, "I find this absolutely appalling, don't you?"
Severus glanced up from the pile of Miss Bone's pink, poorly perfumed correspondence and replied, "Of course I do. The man is old enough to be..."
Voldemort, seemingly oblivious to Severus's objection, placed his half moon spectacles (red rimmed to match his pupils) down on the table, shook his skull sadly and replied, "I mean, really, Severus. Who writes like this?"
"You mean the moral implications don't..."
"Just listen to this:
Dear Albus,
I think you're hot
It's with you I'd like to trot
A lot
In a spot.
Susan
"Is that supposed to be provocative? Are you not teaching these children anything? In my day we didn't even consider that a poem, we considered it a dirty limerick. A bad dirty limerick. Or maybe a horrible code. I used to work with those when the Death Eaters were coming together – for instance I could scrawl a message to someone that said something like, 'kill 10 of your mudblood neighbors, quick!' and they would know to meet at the compost heap at 10:00. It didn't work out, though. People got confused a lot."
"I imagine that would be an issue."
The couple was interrupted when a red stiletto dropped from the ceiling vent onto the table, its heel piercing a portion the Susan/Albus correspondence with the force of a rapier. A frantic shuffling ensued, after which a voice was heard calling, "Could someone please be good enough to get me down from here?"
Voldemort scrambled out of his chair, his chartreuse robes swirling behind him, and proceeded to nimbly pluck a blood splattered Bellatrix out of the ventilation duct.
"You look a little... messy," noted Severus.
"Well, I don't wonder. Isn't there a better way to infiltrate Hogwarts than the ventilation system?" sighed Bellatrix.
"I was referring to the liberal streaks of blood."
"Oh," yawned Bellatrix, "do you remember that problem we had with the young man from Yorkshire? Who knew about the Dark Lord's..."
"I hate it when you talk about me as though I weren't right here in the room with you," interjected Voldemort.
"Who knew about your secret identity." finished Bellatrix.
"Yes," replied Severus.
"We don't have that problem anymore. Milk and cookies all around."
"Do you think," Voldemort stated with some hesitation, "that when we win, you'll be able to give up the killing?"
"When we win?" asked Severus.
"Of course I will," stated Bellatrix. "It's only my work after all. It's not as though it's my vocation."
"Do you have a vocation?" queried Voldemort.
"I imagine that when we reach a point where I don't have to work so much I'll find out. Speaking of which, what was the scandal?"
"It's more of an atrocity," murmured Voldemort.
"Albus Dumbledore is having a liaison with Susan Bones. She's a Hufflepuff student he expects me to take on as an apprentice. When I said that I didn't think she truly loved him, he helpfully provided me with their full correspondence – the style and manner of which is what I suspect the Dark Lord is referring to as the atrocity. Albus' are written on blue stationary, Susan's in pink – they're propped up on the back counter by the ship replica."
Bellatrix walked over and picked up a handful, but not before glancing at Severus's diminutive replication of the QEII. "That's an awfully tiny ship," she remarked.
"I prefer it that way."
"Mmm," said Bellatrix, "so how bad are these letters? I mean, I'm sure there incriminating, but are they just wretchedly written to such an extent that they offer perverse enjoyment?"
"You really must read them Bella. I think Susan does well to consider a career in potions; she's not going to be publishing anything anytime soon. And I suppose Dumbledore's interests may be broad – or broads in Susan's case-"
Severus cringed, Bellatrix looked politely amused.
"- but literature isn't one of them. Apparently."
For a few blissful, ironically detached minutes, each of them sat together and read. Then Bellatrix began to snort.
"What is it?" asked Voldemort.
"He tells her she has dove's eyes. Has the man ever seen dove's eyes? They look like black and red snot."
Bellatrix suddenly stared into Voldemort's dove-like eyes and her hand fluttered to her mouth.
"I mean," she said, "not that red and black are bad colors for eyes. I love it. Personally, I really wish more people had dove's eyes. Don't you, Sevvie?"
"You can't really respect a man unless he has dove's eyes."
"I'm just bringing it up because I could never be with a man who mixes his metaphors."
Voldemort sighed a sigh of relief. He never mixed his metaphors. It was simply one of those things that Dark Lords didn't do.
"Well listen to this one," Voldemort stated, "You and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals, so let's do it like they do on the Discovery channel."
"Pardon me?" replied Severus.
"It's a song. A muggle song," explained Voldemort, "a horrible, ill conceived muggle song. I sincerely doubt that Professor Dumbledore knows what the Discovery Channel is, so it probably won't make much sense to him."
"You know," noted Severus, "quoting any song in a love note strikes me as a sign of a pronounced lack of originality. But quoting bad songs just makes me think she's a blooming idiot."
"Why can't they quote Gershwin? I would be receptive to that," declared Bellatrix, glancing fleetingly over at Voldemort.
"Why don't they quote sheet music?" suggested Severus, "wouldn't that be wonderful? It would imply that they're both intelligent enough to read sheet music."
"I think half the pleasure of destroying Dumbledore's career will be exposing both his and his teenaged lover's painful letters. Then people won't just say, 'There's Albus Dumbledore, he sleeps with schoolgirls,' people will say, 'There's Albus Dumbledore he sleeps with schoolgirls who write the way monkeys would if monkeys had opposable thumbs.'" Voldemort cackled maniacally.
"I don't think monkeys can sign their 'I's with those deformed little hearts," mentioned Bellatrix.
"I think monkeys would be sensible enough not to want to," replied Severus, 'monkeys are perfectly brilliant that way."
"So we can finally completely eradicate the Albus Dumbledore problem!" squealed Voldemort. "This is wonderful, because everyone already knows that his brother sleep with goats. So there's basically an air of sexual shame already hovering over the family. You know, it's moments like these that I just love the early Christians who taught us to be ashamed of physical desire. If not for them it would be so much harder to disgrace people in positions of power."
"And when we couple it with the Binns issue, it just leaves this whole opening for us to use Malfoy's position on the Board of Governors to gain control of the school. With Severus acting as Headmaster we can indoctrinate young children everywhere to our logic, thus setting the scene for the revolution and a political majority in the Wizarding World!"
"Well, I think there might be just the tiniest problem with that," said Severus, "you see, it's apparently common knowledge that Hermione and I are sleeping together."
Bellatrix's head swiveled towards Severus, and she remarked, with a look of profound shock and disbelief, "You're sleeping with Hermione? Since when?"
"I'm not," said Severus, "the point is that – according to Dumbledore - everyone seems to believe that I am. Which is unfortunate, as I think that if the rumor gets out, even if we use all the political pull we can it's highly unlikely that I would be appointed Headmaster."
"Hermione would deny it," stated Voldemort.
"I imagine Susan Bones would as well. By the time this is all finished, any parent will believe any rumor of perversity pertaining to Hogwarts. After all, when Binns is doing it, and the Headmaster is doing it, why wouldn't I indulge? It's all right. You can always get someone else."
"Who?" replied Bellatrix. "Pettigrew makes my skin crawl and Lucius is insane. As for Crabbe and Goyle – some people drink from the fountain of knowledge, they only gargle. And you sent my husband off on that trip to collect kappas."
"What about you, Bella?" asked Severus.
"If you ever abbreviate my name again I'll hex your privates off."
Voldemort looked exceedingly pleased.
"But the Dark Lord..." mentioned Severus.
"That's different."
"Though Severus does raise a good point. You could take over," suggested Voldemort.
"I abhor children."
"So does Severus, and that's never stopped him from gaining authority at Hogwarts."
"I really thought the whole beauty of promoting Severus was that it would be someone from the inside. He's someone whom it would make sense to promote to the position of Headmaster."
"Sense is overrated in these matters," declared the Dark Lord.
"It's a pity, too, because I really would have enjoyed being Headmaster. But if you heard that a girl – a not unattractive girl - was meeting her still relatively young professor at night, privately on a regular basis what would you think?"
"Lucky dog?" provided Bellatrix.
"What an exciting way for a girl to lose her virginity?" supplied Voldemort.
"Fine. But what would you say if people asked you your opinion on the matter?"
"Scandalous. The man should be fired," said Bellatrix with decided, matronly conviction.
"Statutory rape," enunciated Voldemort. "Or if it's not, it should be."
"You see?" sighed Snape.
A sudden thumping on the door ensued.
"Oh dear," stated Bellatrix, "I do hope it's not another baby."
"But wasn't the last one just a bit cute?" muttered Voldemort.
"Maybe a little. Just a little," replied Bellatrix, silently worrying that Voldemort would try to impregnate her with his satanic heir while she slept.
It was Severus who finally rose to open the door, and, after staring through the peephole, admitted a smiling Hermione clutching a copy of The Age of Innocence.
"Hell!" said Severus, "Were we supposed to meet tonight?"
Hermione looked disappointed. "If it's a bad time, I can come back."
"No, no, I just have company."
Voldemort waved his paw cheerily.
"Oh!" cried Hermione, "Willard! How nice to see you. You too, Bellatrix."
"Do come in," Voldemort replied with an inviting wave, "we're all relieved you're not an illegitimate baby."
Everyone chuckled, though Bellatrix's face showed palpable relief that Hermione was indeed, not a time traveling illegitimate baby.
"So how are you?" asked Severus.
"I'm fine," stated Hermione, but then she furrowed her brow and continued, "Actually, I'm a little worried about Harry."
"Why?" queried Severus.
"Well, he just loved the Advil. Apparently it's gotten rid of all his dark forces induced headaches, and he's able to lead a normal life."
"That sounds like a good thing," mentioned Severus, "not to me, obviously, I hate the little brat, but as you keep company with him I imagined you'd be pleased."
"I was. But he liked it so much that he started trying the extra strength things."
"Many people do. They're readily available in most pharmacies."
"And then it seemed a though even those weren't enough, and he's been asking whether or not he could have some of my Vicodin. He offered to pay me for it."
"Vicodin?" asked Bellatrix. "I'm hopelessly behind on muggle innovations."
"Come the revolution you'll never feel hopelessly behind again!" exclaimed Voldemort.
"That'll be so nice," replied Bellatrix dreamily.
"It's a highly potent painkiller," explained Hermione, "I had a bit left over from when I got my wisdom teeth removed. I just kept it around in case I ever fell down the stairs and broke every bone in my body and for some reason there was no magical aid."
"Why wouldn't you just cast a healing charm after having your teeth removed?" wondered Severus.
"Professor Snape, you know perfectly well we're not allowed to do magic off of school grounds. I'm shocked that you would even suggest such a thing."
Severus looked suitably mollified.
"So in any case," Hermione went on, "it's highly addictive, and not the kind of thing you pop like Bertie Bott's Beans. I don't think Harry fully understands the risks of painkillers. People do get addicted to them, you know. Can you imagine growing up in an environment where no one ever gives you Advil when you have a headache?"
"Yes," replied Severus and Bellatrix. Hermione shifted her gaze to Voldemort.
"No," replied Voldemort, "in the orphanage, no one ever gave me painkillers either. I learned about them all by myself."
"That's so sad," murmured Hermione.
"My mother cast healing spells on me," pointed out Bellatrix, "it wasn't that terrible."
"I suppose not," Hermione said.
"Nobody ever cast healing spells on me," mentioned Severus.
Hermione gave him a pitying glance, and then, in an attempt to change the topic to something cheerier asked what they were working on. The response was not what she had hoped for. Voldemort let out a long and weary sigh, before declaring, "Albus Dumbledore sleeps with Susan Bones."
"That sounds like something you'd see scratched on a bathroom wall," remarked Hermione.
"In this case, fortunately or unfortunately, it happens to be true. We have a written correspondence validating it."
"How extraordinary," whispered Hermione, "I always suspected he might have a thing going on with her. But then I figured I was just projecting my schoolgirl fantasies onto another couple."
"No, no, you were quite right," noted Voldemort, "most perceptive of you, too. Most of us didn't see that one coming."
"So what's the matter then? I thought you'd be happy."
"We'd like to weed out the teachers who are sleeping with students at Hogwarts, but it seems we can't," declared Bellatrix wearily.
"Why not?"
"Because then we'd have to get rid of Severus, too. Apparently, it's become rumored that you two are having an affair."
"That's preposterous!"
"Yes, but public opinion inclines itself towards that sort of tid-bit."
"Well," said Hermione with a sly smile, "if that's all it is, you needn't worry. I have a reporter in my pocket. Not quite literally, but almost..."