A/N: To those who were expressing concern about my increasingly warped sense of humor, you are absolutely right. I'm choosing to blame it on the fact that blood that would normally be in my brain is now going tomy two symbiotes (my step-son has decided to refer to hisgrowing sibs as 'the symbiots.' Their father doesn't get it.)

Anyway, this story is proof of my ever increasing weird sense of humor, although I think I kept it relatively clean, considering the context, because I do know that there are younger readers for this series...

Title: Compromising Positions: The Desk

Rating: T

Pairing: S/J UST

Sam Carter walked down one of the lesser-used corridors of the SGC, wondering why she had been summoned to her CO's office. Her CO was very rarely in his office and had occasionally joked that he sometimes forgot where it was. Being in his office meant he had no excuse for missing memos and turning in paperwork late. So, nine times out of ten, if he needed her, Daniel, or Teal'c for anything, he stopped by their labs or quarters.

Today, however, he had called her in her lab and told her to come by as soon as she got a chance.

She knocked on the closed door, expecting him once again, not to be in. "WHAT?" he called gruffly from inside.

"It's me!"

"It's open!"

She let herself into the office, which seemed much smaller than it actually was because it was half-filled with several large boxes, all obviously containing computer equipment, judging by the labels.

"You got a new computer, sir?" Sam asked.

"Not willingly," he replied with a gesture towards the empty chair in front of his desk. She sat down, looking around the room. "Hammond came down for a report and saw my laptop last week."

"Ah." Sam didn't need more of an explanation than that. She herself was half-responsible for the pitiful state of her CO's laptop. He habitually got fed up with it and got a little too rough with it, and she habitually repaired it, jerry-rigging the battered thing up as best as she could. The last time she had to use quite a bit of duct tape, which she guessed was probably what had offended the General so much.

"Yeah, so Hammond figures if I have a big one..."

"Desktop."

"Fine, if I have a desktop, I won't beat the crap out of it. We'll just see about that."

"Sir... did you really call me down here just to set up your computer for you? Because I was actually in the middle of an experiment with the..."

"No!" he said defensively. "That's not why I called you down here at all, Carter, if you must know."

"Sorry, sir."

"I was calling to inform you that your dad's gating in today."

"Yes, sir, General Hammond told me this morning."

"Oh. Okay then."

"Was that all, sir?"

"Yup..." he hesitated and said, "Well, as long as you're down here, Carter... would you mind setting up my new computer?"

She made an irritated sound at the back of her throat but nevertheless started opening the nearest box.

Half an hour later, she had everything set up experimentally. "Do you want your monitor in the middle of the desk like this, or off to one side?"

"Hmm... let's see what it looks like over in the right corner."

Sam patiently moved the monitor to the right corner of his desk, along with the speakers, mouse pad, and mouse.

"Maybe the left?" he suggested after a while.

"Sir," she complained, moving everything once again.

"What? I'm just trying to make my desk as conducive to productive working as possible."

"Right. Then you and Daniel are going to shave your heads and become Jaffa."

He laughed and said, "Good one, Carter."

"Thanks."

He was quiet for a minute and finally said, "I think I liked it best in the middle." At the look that earned him, he quickly said, "But here is good. Definitely the best choice. Let's take a break."

From the drawer closest to his right leg, he pulled out a carafe full of steaming hot coffee. She watched him incredulously as he set two coffee mugs down beside it and poured them both coffee, nudging her cup across the desk to her. She sat back down, picked up the mug, and said, "So... may I ask where..."

"Borrowed it from the commissary... without their knowledge," he said with a shrug. "You and Daniel have pots in your labs but I'm not usually in here long enough to bother with that... I tried it for a while but I was always finding really old, used filters in there and stuff... so this is my solution."

"Sir..." Sam started experimentally, an idea just occurring to her. "You weren't... grounded to your office recently by any chance, were you?"

"Now what would make you say something like... okay, yeah. Maybe I was," he admitted. "Hammond, it turns out, has 'lost his patience with me once and for all, and I am not to leave this office until I am completely up to date on all of my paperwork.'"

"I see," Sam said, trying to hide a smile. "So, since you couldn't come find your usual distractions..."

"I got you to come to me. Yup. Teal'c didn't fall for it."

"Hmm. Teal'c can't be court-martialed for ignoring you, sir. What if you need to go to the toilet?"

"I asked Hammond that too and he just rolled his eyes. So I assume that means I'm allowed to go."

"I would hope so. You did make backup copies of the files from your laptop that you were working on, right?"

"Um... what?"

Sam sighed and leaned over the desk, picked up his phone, and called Siler. "Siler, can you find Colonel O'Neill's old laptop and send it back to his office? Thanks."

She turned to her CO and asked, "How did you expect to continue working on your new computer without access to the files from your old computer?"

"I thought they were all on a network..."

"Did you put them on the network?"

"No."

"They don't hop onto the network all by themselves, Colonel."

"Oh. Hey, how come I didn't get a cool monitor like you and Daniel have?"

"A flatscreen?"

"Yeah. Those thin, small, neat-looking ones."

"I don't know, maybe the General thought you'd be less likely to throw this big one," Sam suggested.

"Maybe. Do you know where I can find a 'Simpsons' mouse pad?"

"I don't know... that electronics store in the mall?"

"Nope. Checked there already."

"I'm sure I could find one on the Internet after I get your computer all hooked up."

"Cool. Well, while we wait for Siler, can I interest you in a game of rubbish bin basketball?"

Sam laughed. She really did have a fair amount of her own work to do, not that any of it was emergency related. And it wasn't like there weren't countless other employees perfectly capable of plugging in the Colonel's new computer... actually, she was pretty sure he could do it himself if he would bother to look at it at all. The man was capable of assembling and disassembling nuclear devices, surely he could match up which plugs went where...

"Sure. Loser has to make a jell-o run," she stipulated.

"I'm not supposed to leave this room," Jack reminded her.

"Then I guess you'd better win, sir."

Twenty minutes later, Siler showed up with Jack's old laptop. He looked around the messy office, cluttered with boxes and Styrofoam from the new computer, but even more cluttered with tons of paper balls more or less in the vicinity of the rubbish bin.

Major Carter and Colonel O'Neill, both seated in chairs, were lobbing balls at the bin and apparently having the time of their lives. Siler was irked. His To-Do list was a mile long, and two of the base's supposedly 'most important' people were in here playing.

"Here's the computer you requested, Major," Siler said, setting it on the edge of the Colonel's desk.

"Thanks, Siler," Major Carter said with a smile.

"Yeah, thanks Sparky. Want to take a shot?" Colonel O'Neill offered, tossing him a ball of paper.

Siler caught it but shook his head. "Don't have time, sir."

"Aw, come on, Siler, sure you do. It's a great stress reliever. Come on, you could use a little break."

"Well, okay..." Siler easily lobbed the ball into the bin.

"Wow, nice shot!" Carter complimented him.

"Two in a row?" O'Neill challenged, tossing him another ball. Siler sank this one as well.

"Siler... you've done this before, haven't you?"

O'Neill continued to feed him ammunition until Siler finally missed. "Twenty-one in a row, unbelievable. Siler, that's a new record!" he praised the man enthusiastically.

Siler was proud. It was stupid, but he was still proud. "Thank you, sir. I'd better get back to work now."

"All right, stop by anytime, I think I should be taking pointers from you!"

Siler left them to their game. O'Neill was right, he did feel much better after the little break.

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

Sam finally won the game. Jack got to his feet and said, "Fine, I'll go get the jell-o, but if Hammond catches me and chews me out I'm telling him it's all your fault."

"Fair enough, sir," Sam called. She highly doubted he would actually do that – it would probably only land him in even more trouble with the General.

She took the opportunity to plug in his old laptop and start transferring files to a USB memory device. By the time he came back, humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme with a container of jell-o in each hand, she was nearly done.

"What are they gonna do with Homer?" Jack asked as he pulled silverware out of his pocket, handed her the spoon, and kept the fork.

"Homer?" Sam repeated.

Jack nodded at the laptop.

"You named your computer?"

"Yup."

"And you named it Homer?"

"Him, Carter. Named him Homer."

"Sorry, sir. Well, I suppose Homer will be taken apart and all the pieces I haven't already had to fiddle with will be saved for repairs and things and the rest will be trashed."

"Not Homer!"

"Sir... you're the reason he's so beat up in the first place..."

"Yeah, but that's different... I can't let him be... stripped and sold for parts!"

"Well... truthfully there's probably not much in there that anybody really needs... why don't you just keep Homer somewhere discreet and I'll tell Siler it was too far gone for anything."

"Cool. Thanks. And Carter?"

"Sir?"

"Don't tell anybody I named him Homer."

"Yes, sir."

After they finished their jell-o and Sam had finished putting all of Jack's files onto the USB device, she shut down that computer and moved onto the new one. Jack quickly stowed Homer in yet another almost-empty drawer of his large desk. Sam came round to his side and slid the tower in its hidden spot inside and under the desk. Jack scooted back in his chair to give her some room as she scrunched into the area where his legs usually took up residence.

"What are you doing down there?"

"I've just got to plug everything into the tower, sir, and connect the surge protector... printer, Ethernet, monitor, mouse, keyboard, speakers..."

"Okay, okay," he interrupted.

"It won't take long, sir. What are you going to name this one?" she called lightly.

"Very cute," he replied sarcastically. His phone rang and he automatically scooted back up to his usual spot to answer it. "O'Neill."

Sam frowned as her CO's boot-clad foot nudged her ribcage under the desk. It was dark under there, and taking longer for her to plug everything in than she had thought. She quickly surmised, from her CO's end of the conversation, that he was talking to Cassie.

Jack had been talking to Cassie (which was really about 80 listening to Cassie) for about ten minutes when Jacob Carter knocked on his open door frame and entered with a smile and a wave. He didn't say hello once he saw that Jack was on the phone, instead mouthing, 'I'll wait,' and gesturing at the empty chair.

Jack couldn't do anything but nod. He had Cassie chatting his ear off about something that had happened at school, and was now in a very awkward situation. Jacob sat down to wait patiently, looking around at the boxes and paper balls curiously. Jack watched him nervously.

There was no way Jacob could see Carter under his desk, but... well, at this point Jack would just have to make sure she stayed under there until he could get Jacob out of the room. It would look really, really, really bad otherwise. God, how did he get himself into these situations?

He could feel Carter squirming around under the desk and hoped she didn't say anything. Since he was on the phone, maybe she wouldn't... Jack's eyes suddenly fell on Carter's cup of jell-o, still sitting on his desk. There was still a bit of blue in it, and a bit of red in his own. And two coffee cups... this was so not going to be good.

Carter tapped his leg, presumably trying to get him to move because she was finished with the computer. He nudged her back. She tugged on his trousers, below the knee, more insistently. He nudged harder, not sure what part of her he was making contact with but hoping she got the message.

Sam let out a muffled "Mmmph" as her CO's boot hit her shoulder. He coughed loudly and nudged her harder, this one very nearly qualifying as a kick. Of all the nerve! She had just taken a good chunk out of her day to connect his stupid computer for him and just because Cassie was on the phone he couldn't be bothered to let her crawl out from under his desk? It was HOT under there, and stuffy, for crying out loud!

She pinched his calf. He jerked, banged both knees on the underside of the desk, and accidentally brought his foot down on three of her fingers. She winced and grabbed his ankle, lifting his foot up off of her hand, and tried to shake her fingers out.

Jack desperately wanted Thor to beam him up, now. What in the hell was she doing under there? He was very clearly telling her to stay put, and she was the smartest person he knew. Surely she could put two and two together... but no, she had to keep pinching and poking at his legs, moving, making noises... Jacob was definitely looking at him funny. There was only so much a nicely-placed cough could cover!

Okay, Sam thought. That was definitely a kick. And while she knew he couldn't see where he was aiming, that one had caught her right in the left breast, and it hurt. She smacked his leg, hard. He cleared his throat loudly and said into the phone, "Sorry, Cass, leg cramp... really annoying one... yes, that's a good idea, I should eat more potassium... thanks, Cassie... I'll talk to you later, okay? Okay, love you too, bye."

As soon as he hung up the phone, three things happened at once: Jack immediately pushed away from his desk, got quickly to his feet, and said hastily, "Sorry about that, Jacob, long time no see!"; Jacob said, "Hi Jack, sorry to interrupt, but I was wondering if you've seen Sam..."; and Sam crawled out from under the desk with a grumpy, "You're welcome, Colonel, my God what was so important that you couldn't bother to let me get up after you knew I was done..."

All three of them froze as Sam saw her Dad, her Dad saw her, and all three of them realized how the situation looked. Jack squeezed his eyes shut, hoping that if Thor wasn't in the neighborhood, he would at least suddenly find himself in another time loop.

No such luck, apparently. Jack finally looked at Jacob, who was either having a seizure of some sort or internally fighting with Selmak for control. Jack glanced down at Sam, who was still looking over the desk at her dad, completely frozen like the proverbial deer in the headlights. Her cheeks were bright pink; apparently the underneath part of his desk was poorly ventilated. But the rest of her face was completely ashen.

Jack and Sam recovered at roughly the same time and both started trying to explain the situation to Jacob, Jack pulling his 2IC to her feet roughly by the elbow.

"This isn't what it looks like," they both said quickly.

"See, I got a new computer," Jack started.

"And you know the Colonel and computers, Dad..."

Jacob finally gained the ability to speak and move again, and he looked mad. Very, very mad. He glared at them both, turned on his heels, and stomped out of the office bellowing, "GEORGE!"

"Oh crap," Jack said quickly. "Carter, don't take this personally, but if I have to I will use you as a human shield to keep your father from killing me."

Jack and Sam hurried off to face the music.