Title: Bubble Wrap
Rating: K+
Setting: After Homecoming (Season 7)
A/N: I have nothing against Potter Barn, I actually quite like it, but somehow I can't see Jack O'Neill sharing the sentiment. Sam might seem a bit off in this one - it's been brought to my attention that she probably wouldn't actually do this... I think it's possible she would, just because she's glad Daniel's back. And she lightened up in Season 7... let us not forget 'Space Race,' after all... Anyway, enjoy.
Compromising Positions: Bubble Wrap
Sam Carter got out of her car reluctantly, checking the address and her watch. She was five minutes late, but her CO's truck was noticeable only in its absence. The newly reunited, original SG1 was on a new mission on this sunny, hot Saturday. They were helping Dr. Daniel Jackson, freshly descended and with 95 percent of his memory returned (and counting), move into a new apartment.
Helping Daniel move in and out of various apartments was something she probably should have been getting tired of after all these years, but this time she really didn't mind at all; she was just glad to have him back. And despite all of the Colonel's whining about 'we're not running a moving service here, fercryinoutloud Daniel,' Sam knew that he was just as happy to have Daniel back as she was. And Teal'c, well... Teal'c had even been spotted smiling recently. Twice.
Sam buzzed Daniel from the front door. He let her in, and she found her way up to his apartment easily. It was a large, bright apartment, much nicer than his last ones had been. Colonel O'Neill had joked that Daniel couldn't remember his last three 'bat-caves' when Daniel had showed them the apartment. Daniel's things had mostly been put into storage, and yesterday the three men of SG1 had hauled most of it to the new apartment. Sam had luckily escaped that by 'working late in the lab.' From the way her CO had narrowed his eyes at her suspiciously, she doubted he had bought the urgency behind said work, but he hadn't called her on it.
As Sam knocked on Daniel's door, he opened it with a big smile. "Hey, Sam, come on in. You're the first one here."
"Did the Colonel call and say he was running late?"
"Um, no. You're welcome to call him if you want... oh wait, the phone isn't hooked up yet..."
"I've got my cell phone," Sam said with a shrug. "It's not a big deal, let's just get started."
"Sure, sounds good."
Sam looked around and noticed that nearly every box was labelled "Fragile."
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"Ohfercryinoutloud, Murray, just pick out a nice spice rack or something and let's go," Jack said, frustrated. He really should have made Carter take Teal'c shopping. The Jaffa had watched way too much television. He got it in his head that he needed to get a housewarming gift for Daniel, despite Jack's assurances that Daniel already had more crap than he knew what to do with.
Teal'c merely ignored that and requested to be taken to Pottery Barn.
Jack was not entirely sure what a Pottery Barn actually was, but Carter had looked awfully happy about the idea of Jack and Teal'c taking a trip there.
Yeah, and if she were here right now she would be giggling like there was no tomorrow, Jack thought as he tried to edge away from Teal'c, close enough to keep an eye on him but far enough away that maybe people wouldn't think they were together.
It wasn't Teal'c's sudden obsession with yuppie furniture that bothered him so much. It was mostly the wardrobe. Now, Jack had to admit he had taken a lot of pleasure in helping Teal'c 'blend' when he had first joined the Tau'ri. But come on, it had been seven years. Enough was enough. Teal'c was dressed like a twelve year-old kid who fancied himself the next Tony Hawk: huge long shorts with about three times as many pockets as anybody would ever need, a short-sleeved button-down shirt that was black with flames round the bottom hem, licking their way up the shirt, and a knit cap with the South Park kids on it. Well, that Jack didn't mind so much. But he got along just fine for fifty-ish years without seeing Teal'c's massive canoe-like feet in a pair of sandals, and felt he could have quite happily survived another fifty without seeing that.
It really wasn't even the way Teal'c was dressed; Jack himself was never really too bothered by what he wore. If Cassie made barfing noises and stuck her tongue down her throat at one of his shirts, well, he took that subtle hint. But generally speaking, he could care less what he or Teal'c wore. But there was just something about Teal'c's ensemble, inherent massive size, and the meticulous way he was picking through everything in the store and talking with nearly every sales person they saw that was making Jack wish he was anywhere else. Even the infirmary.
His cell phone rang and he snatched it out of his pocket gratefully. "Carter! Base emergency?"
"No, sir, just wondering if you really expected Daniel and me to do all this by ourselves."
"Don't worry, Major, the big strong men will be there as soon as I can get the bigger, stronger man to stop picking out wax lilies and brick-a-brack."
There was a prolonged silence on the other end and his 2IC said, "What, sir?"
"Teal'c is still shopping for that perfect gift. And I've found a new level of hell."
She snorted and said, "Oh. Okay, then, have fun, don't hurry over here on our account..."
"Very funny. With any luck we'll get there around lunch time. You and Danny okay with pizza? We'll swing by and pick it up on the way."
"Sounds good to me, sir. It doesn't look like Daniel's done a whole lot of grocery shopping either though so be sure you get something to drink."
"Consider it done." Beer and pizza. The day was looking up.
"Sir? Remember Daniel and beer... he might not. Remember, that is. So... maybe it would be best if you didn't..."
"Aw, Carter, what are you trying to do, rain on my parade?"
"Never, sir."
"All right. I'll bring soda."
"Sounds good sir. Good luck."
"Yeah," he mumbled into the phone, hanging it up. He pocketed the phone and looked around for Teal'c. "Aw, T, come on, nobody needs a bowl shaped like a leaf!"
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"You'll never believe what they're doing," Sam said as she snapped her cell phone shut and tucked it into the back pocket of her jeans.
"What?" Daniel asked.
"They're at Pottery Barn... do you remember what that is?"
Judging by the way Daniel burst out laughing at the thought of Jack O'Neill and Teal'c, ultimate Jaffa warrior, in Pottery Barn, Sam guessed that yes, Daniel did remember.
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"Murray, look," Jack said, losing his patience. "First of all, none of these pillows match each other. Second, they don't match the furniture either. Third, nobody needs this many pillows!"
"They are not supposed to match, O'Neill, that is the point!" Teal'c stated firmly. He really felt he was much more knowledgeable on this subject that O'Neill was. After all, O'Neill did not even like home improvement and decorating programs.
"Excuse me, I couldn't help but overhear," a helpful salesman tried to offer. "Maybe I can help. It's very difficult, combining decorating styles. You wouldn't believe the number of disagreements we try to put out on a regular basis here... I've actually seen couples split up right here in the store over sconces and towels."
Jack stared at the man, trying to figure out if he was implying he thought he and Teal'c were a couple. Not that there was anything wrong with that, but seriously... Jack and Teal'c? Jack looked at the way Teal'c was dressed and suddenly became very aware of how immaculately the man groomed his eyebrows.
"Ohfercryinoutloud," he growled.
Teal'c apparently didn't get it, because he only corrected the man by saying, "We are not shopping for ourselves, we are buying a housewarming gift for our friend's new apartment."
"Oh, okay, well that's much easier then!" the salesman said brightly. "How is your friend's apartment decorated?"
"Like a museum," Jack said tersely.
"Perfect. Let's move over to this section, shall we? I'm Bryan, by the way."
"I am Murray," Teal'c said, remembering his cover.
"Jack," Jack stated reluctantly, following the two over to a different section. He was thrilled when his cell phone rang again a few minutes later.
"O'Neill."
"Hi Jack. Sam's in the bathroom."
"Wow, thanks for the update, Daniel."
"No, I mean, I'm calling while she's not in the room. I wanted to let you know it's okay with me if you want to bring beer."
"I don't know, Danny, Carter's got a good point. If you recall, you're a bit of a lightweight, so unless the two of you have already finished unpacking all your breakables, it might be best to stick to soda."
Jack realized Bryan and Teal'c were looking at him with similar scowls, clearly not happy that he was more interested in an inane phone conversation than in shopping.
"Well, whatever you want, I don't care," Daniel said. "Are you guys almost finished?"
"I don't know, I'm starting to get concerned our pal Murray here might be considering a change in career."
Daniel laughed and said quickly, "I heard the toilet flush, gotta go!"
Jack hung up his phone chuckling, and turned to see what 'Murray' was looking at now. "Don't you think you already own enough candles?" he asked, getting more exasperated by the second.
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"Were you on the phone?" Sam asked.
"No... um, yes, actually... Jack called again. Bored, I guess."
"Hmm." Sam looked around the room. They had worked their way through about half of the boxes, so the room was now littered with tons of bubble wrap from all of Daniel's carefully packaged, fragile stuff.
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Bryan raised his eyebrows as Jack's cell phone rang yet again and he practically ripped the pocket off the front of his shirt trying to get to it quickly.
"He's quite popular," Bryan commented to Murray.
"Indeed," Murray responded, busy examining a decorative map.
On the phone, Jack said, "I'm working on it, Carter."
"I take it he's... not available?" Bryan asked Murray casually.
"He is on the phone," Murray answered.
"I know, but..."
Jack had heard Bryan's question and rolled his eyes. Then he did the first thing that popped into his head. "Sorry, it looks like we're going to be here a while longer, Car... Sam... Samantha. Why don't you take a break from unpacking until we get there? It is supposed to be your day off, you know, and Daniel's too, I don't want you wearing yourselves out. Is there anything else you want me to get at the store?"
Across town, Sam gaped into her phone. "Um... just the soda I guess, sir..."
"Of course, diet and regular. I'll get some ice cream as well, call me if you think of anything else! See you soon SAMANTHA."
He pocketed his phone again and turned to Teal'c and Bryan. "Oh, sorry, that was a little loud, wasn't it?"
"Loud and clear," Bryan muttered under his breath.
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Back at Daniel's apartment, Sam was still staring at her phone thirty seconds after Jack had hung up.
"Sam? You okay?" Daniel asked.
"I think maybe your amnesia is contagious, Daniel," she finally stated.
"What?"
"Nothing. Looks like we're almost done with the living room."
"Yeah."
"I don't know what in the world we're going to do with all this bubble wrap," Sam commented absently as she gathered up an armload of it to try to smush in one of the boxes already full of it.
Daniel suddenly burst out laughing.
"You okay?" Sam asked.
"Yeah, I just remembered something new... remember when we first became a team, and Jack made us wear those big hard hats all the time?"
"Yes," Sam said wryly. She had not appreciated that one bit. Okay, she was a scientist, but she was also a soldier. The clumsy scientist stereotype didn't exactly work on her.
"Remember when we finally got him to stop, and then on our first trip in regular hats we slid down that hill and got all scraped up?"
"Yeah..."
"Remember what Jack said?"
Sam laughed. "Yeah, he said he was going to wrap us both up in bubble wrap next time to keep us from getting hurt."
Daniel was studying the bubble wrap in his hands. Sam looked down at her own. They did have a lot of time to kill...
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Teal'c finally made his selection for Daniel... a giraffe lamp. Jack had finally stopped offering suggestions, and when he was asked for his opinion between the giraffe lamp and a fluffy, white, monogrammed-while-you-wait bathrobe, Jack had just pointed at the giraffe wordlessly. Lesser of two evils, and all that.
Giraffe lamp in tow, they finally left Pottery Barn. On their way to the pizza place, Teal'c commented, "Bryan was most helpful. He gave me his phone number should I be further interested in redecorating."
Jack opened his mouth to comment and then just shut it and kept driving.
His stomach was growling as he and Teal'c made their way up to Daniel's apartment with pizzas, soda, and the lamp. A woman who lived in the building was leaving as they approached, so they didn't even have to ring for Daniel to buzz them up.
Entering the unlocked apartment, Jack froze, his mouth falling open at the sight before him.
The smartest people he had ever met hadn't noticed they had company yet. They were both wrapped from the neck down in many layers of bubble wrap, so that they both moved awkwardly with loud rustling noises and stiff, clumsy movements, like little Stay-Pufft Marshmallow men... or women, he supposed, in Carter's case.
Each had some sort of carved, wooden weapon in hand, no doubt part of Daniel's museum-like antique collection, and they were fighting and laughing at the same time. Each time one of them landed a blow, the sound of many popping bubbles filled the air.
As Jack and Teal'c watched, Carter accidentally knocked Daniel's weapon right out of his hands. He laughed, shrugged, and just charged her, tackling her to the ground. They wrestled around for several moments, bubbles popping loudly, finally crashing into the coffee table, Carter's head coming dangerously close to connecting with the sharp corner of the table in the process.
"Hey, watch it kids!" Jack exclaimed.
Carter and Daniel both froze hearing his sharp, barking order. They both looked up at him with such guilty looks on their faces that Jack had to bite his cheek to keep from laughing out loud. Carter was still lying on top of Daniel, so Daniel was actually looking up at him upside down. Jack finally burst into laughter as Carter got to her feet and pulled Daniel to his. They were both trying to look casual and nonchalant, which just made them look ridiculous, considering the fact that they looked more like translucent snowmen than anything else at the moment.
Finally, as Jack's laughter died down, Daniel and Carter both said, "This isn't what it looks like."
Still chuckling, Jack said, "Oh I don't know, it looks like you've finally taken my advice. Not such a silly idea after all, is it? I think I'll bring this up with Hammond on Monday, suggest that bubble wrap become mandatory field gear for all off-world scientists... after all, we now have proof of how effective it is at protecting you two from hurting yourselves..."
"You wouldn't!" Daniel exclaimed.
"Sir... maybe it would be best if we just kept this incident between the four of us," Carter started, trying to begin unwrapping the layers of bubble wrap around one arm.
"I don't know, Carter, I really think we're onto something here, it would be a shame to keep such valuable safety information from the General..."
Teal'c spoke for the first time since they had entered the apartment. "Perhaps if you agree not to mention this event, O'Neill, I will not mention that Bryan from Pottery Barn attempted to ask you on a date."
"Teal'c!" Jack said exasperatedly. "You just DID mention it!"
Carter and Daniel were both giggling now.
"Then I will not mention it again, O'Neill."
"This isn't how it sounds, see, T and I were arguing..." Jack started to explain.
"At least that explains the weird phone call," Carter said suddenly, sparing him.
"Yeah, sorry about that," Jack said. "Okay, I'll go with Teal'c's idea. Nobody say anything."
"Deal," Daniel and Sam both agreed.
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An hour later, as they finished up the pizza, Jack looked around the room and said, "Think there's enough bubble wrap left for another round?"
The end.
A/N: Special thanks to my sis for this one - she always used to tell Jack and me she was going to wrap us in bubble wrap to keep us from hurting ourselves when we were kids. One day we decided to take her up on it. All the O'Neill/Teal'c stuff was really just created to make the story longer.