"Onigiri Party!"

Fruits Basket: Chapter 3 Parody

Introduction: I know this sounds a little repetitive, and I've said it a few times, but I really think my humor is exhausted. I bet you that this chapter is not as funny as the second chapter, and the second chapter was worst than the first one…I don't know what to do, but I hope my crazy, random humor comes back. Thanks for reading my rants on humor.

Sohma-san: Hey, thanks for giving me two short reviews. Short, long…it doesn't matter. Thanks.

haruko sohma: I hope you like this chapter! And thanks for all your reviews.

SasukeBlade: Hey, Sasuke, from Naruto! I don't watch Naruto, but there's this girl at my school who likes to cosplay as him, so that's how I know. Thanks for following with the story so far. I hope you enjoy this one.

Lauren-loves-Ryuichi: Sorry. This chapter has killed me before you can. XD Thanks for your review.

Morbid Flower: thanks for both of your reviews. They really tell me whether my humor is gone, or it's just me.

Ghostmangarocker: Are you serious that it was yuki in the cap? Oh well. In my story, it's Kyou. Thanks for informing me.

Nothing else to say, except that I hope this is funny enough…TT I just hope…

- Fortune Cookie -

Yuki opens up his fortune cookie.

'You are a loving person. You're beautiful qualities make you an attractive young lady.'

Kyou goes, "Hahahaha!"

Yuki says, "I tell you, somehow Kyou is writing these messages."

- End -

Yuki rollerskates up to the podium with some other girl who seems to hold a class position.

Yuki says, "Okay, we need thinkers, slave drivers, and slaves to get this profit, money-making scheme to work!"

Everyone: O.O

Girl says, "Yuki, you okay?"

"I'm fine! This is the day that the freshman class won't have the lowest amount of profit, like in the past history!"

Tohru rose her hand, "Maybe an onigiri sale?"

"Good! Well-thought out! You're our thinker!"

Another guy rose his hand, "What about making the rice balls into shapes of creatures? Like…a cat?"

Kyou interrupts, "We need to have some action in our stand! Our stand will be as boring as every other stand!"

Imagination…

Kyou's standing in the stand, and a lone person walks in the room.

"Hey you!" says Kyou, "You're gonna buy onigiri in my stand!"

Competitor with glasses says, "Hey! He was going towards me! Buy from me!"

"What's your stand got that I don't!"

"It's got a cute little illustration…see?" A sign with big letters saying "Onigiri" with a tiny, miniscule rice ball in the bottom, left corner.

"Grrr!" Kyou growled, and thus ending his imagination.

Kyou blurted out, "I HATE YOU!" to the guy next to him who had glasses. He continues his speech, "We've got to advertise! Let's have an onigiri fight, where any stray onigiri that lands in a person's mouth is not refundable! We won't stop for bloody noses, broken bones – we'll end the Endangered Species Act, we'll kill the endangered species, we'll buy all the resources – the oil – we'll buy the scientists, the politicians…it takes money to make money baby!"

Everyone: O.O

Yuki says, "Ahem, Kyou, we're not trying to dominate the world. We just need profit to –"

"What, Yuki? Profit for this poor school?"

"Kyou, calm down."

"Calm down? The boy's bathroom is a mess! You can't even open the door without breaking it!"

Interlude…

"Um…hey, if you open it like a regular door, it'll fall."

"then how do I get in?"

"You don't. You kind of just have to hold it. You know…like that…yeah."

A fat guy breaks through to exit the bathroom, "Whoops."

End interlude.

"this is ridiculous! And you know that wall behind you, Yuki? It's so thin, you can see through it! Even the podium is made of recycled aluminum cans!"

Tohru, seeing how Kyou is going crazy and too hysterical, tries to calm him down, "Kyou, just calm down. The more you get angry, the more cats come to you."

One girl says, "Oh a cat! Oh how cute!"

Kyou goes even crazier! "I'm going to go to the bathroom and break that door!" Runs off.

"Session ends," Yuki says.

Tohru goes up the building and finds Kyou sitting down.

"Kyou? You okay? You seem a bit…angry."

"It's all Yuki's fault."

"How?"

"Everybody can always see Yuki as a good guy. They see all the good qualities in him…but what about me!" (Ah…the selfish line that got me into Fruits Basket.)

"Kyou, you have good qualities, but I don't think eating a big cup of pudding in under one minute counts as –"

"Tohru, I'm serious."

"Oh, well, I'm not that good in helping people out, though they say that I'm a good Dear Abby! In fact many people see many good qualities in me!"

"Tohru! You're not helping!"

"Well, at least…you're my number one best friend? (a lie)"

"Ahhh…only losers say that!"

"I'm sorry, Kyou. I'll let you drown in your selfish 'what about me' questions! If you don't think about it, you don't drown in it. If you don't drown in it, you will live. If you live…oh dear lord if you live!" tohru runs away.

Kyou grumbles.

Tohru is humming in the kitchen while shaping rice balls.

"Hey, Tohru…" Kyou said in a tired voice.

"Oh my gosh! You're living!" Tohru yelled.

"Tohru?" he's still tired. (I don't know why I make him tired. It must be because my humor has exhausted.) "Are you okay?"

"Oh, I was just thinking of things? Whenever I play Starcraft, my mind goes crazy."

O.o

Kyou continues, "Oh, how nice. An onigiri in a shape of a cat." He turns the ball around. "with…a sword stuck in the back of it's head…"

Tohru laughs an evil laugh.

"tohru?"

"Give me back my onigiri! It's mine! Or else I'll send my zerglings to attack you! Especially my Overlords! You won't want those hideous assholes to attack you!"

"Overlords can't attack."
Tohru gasps.

Kyou says, "I think I'll just quickly scoop up some rice and leave you with your weird personality for a while 'til you cool down."

Tohru looks at Kyou shape the rice ball.

She says, "You know, you're really talented, making the rice balls so fast!"

"yeah!" Kyou sucks in the compliment. "I know, I'm the best. I had to carry sacks of rice up mountains for many moons!"

"Hmm…" tohru looks at her cat-stabbed rice ball. "Maybe…since you're so good at this, could you kind of, make one little ball for me?"

"Sure. And I also had to fight with this one lost polar bear up in the mountains. I named it Jason."

"yes, keep talking…"

"And…hey, wait a minute! Are you making me do YOUR work?" Drops the third rice ball that he was making for her.

"Why would you think that!"

"Art of rice ball making! What a joke!" Kyou leaves.

Tohru is starting to feel a little like herself right now, so she looks at Kyou.

"You know, there's something on your back."

"Huh?"

"It's really small, but I can see it. It's like an onigiri. There are many onigiri in the world, each with their own special flavoring. It's like chips with barbecue flavor, pizza, onion, etc. (Kyou's going: O.o chips?) One onigiri says, 'I suck 'cause I'm like everyone else. I don't want to be normal. (Kyou goes, "so it wants to be retarded?") But long behold, there's a delicious fruit that everyone wants to eat on its back. Then the onigiri goes, 'Oh no! Help me! I'm special and everyone wants to eat me! Ahhhh! Save me, Tohru!' Don't worry my little onigiri (Kyou: O.o)! I'll save you! (she starts to pet the rice ball in her hand.) So, basically, what I'm trying to say is that –"

"-- that I have special qualities but I can't see them, but other onigiri nut cravers can see it."

"Hell no! (Kyou says, "Wow. Never heard her say it.") I'm trying to say (goes to Kyou's back) that there's this big ass thorn stuck in your thick back!" Pluck!

"Ow!" he yelled.

Tohru starts to walk away.

"Hey."

Tohru turns around.

"You've…you've got one too."

Tohru is confused and saying, "Huh?"

"I mean, a fruit thing. It's on your back."

"Oh."

"But it's really small. Here. I'll get the fruit fly off."

Slap!

"Kyou! You hurt my back!"

"Sorry. Just trying to kill it."

Tohru hits him back, then they start having an onigiri fight, one that Kyou dreamt up of in the classroom.

Yuki enters the house and sees Tohru and Kyou having fun.

"Sniff sniff…so…Kyou gets to Tohru before me…huh?" Yuki runs to his secret base, which is not secret anymore when he sees Akito having a picnic with a bunch of black crows.

The day of the onigiri battle begins, where the ugly rice ball has to fight against competitors like the pizza, the sushi, and the vending machine, but they fixed the vending machine problem already…

"Hey," one old man said, "this vending machine is broken."

"Looking for this?" a freshman says swinging the wire that had been cut off from the vending machine.

"Noooooo!"

"Oooooh Yuki!" sings the three girls from the senior class. "You'll look soooo good in this outfit."

"I'm not wearing that shit!"

"Pleeeeease! We'll close our stand if you do!"

Yuki thought, "Oh…what I would do for the profit!" Kyou's voice echoes…'We need to get rid of all competitors.'

Yuki said, "Alright! Wearing this dress wouldn't be harmful would it?"

At the onigiri stand…

Tohru calls out, "Buy three onigiri get one free!"

Kyou is running around the crowd, imitating different voices, saying, "Buy three get one free? What a good deal!" and "I'm telling you! The best deal I've heard so far!" and "Ack! This pizza is horrible! I'm getting a FRESH onigiri!"

Then a little cheer comes up from one side of the room.

Yuki's face is red from wearing the dress.

Comments such as "He's so cute!" and "I'd marry him if he was a woman (O.o)!" come up.

A little boy dropped his onigiri and it rolled (onigiri can roll in this story!) at the foot of Yuki. While everyone was still in amazement with Yuki's appearance, the little boy picked up his onigiri, but accidentally looked up Yuki's dress.

Boy's expression: O.o "Daddy," says the little boy, "I don't…sniff sniff…I don't want this rice ball anymore!" and cries. (notice your suggestion, SasukeBlade?)

Kyou suddenly stops his imitation voices of pirates, hobos, and snobby people to look at Yuki. He laughs, "Finally, he gets what he deserves. For looking like a girl, this is what he should wear everyday!"

Hatori and Momiji crash through the door. Everyone looks at them.

Hatori speaks first, "I'm sorry, but an Overlord kept pushing us all the way from home to here."

Tohru sweats a little, for the ugly Overlord belongs to her…hehehe… (oh, if you need to see a picture of an Overlord, type it up in google image or something…XD Look under the game Starcraft. I tell you, I call that ugly thing weird names. Zerg species are the best!)

Hatori continues, "Oh while I'm here…Yuki, I can take your examination!"

Yuki blushes even more. Hatori starts to check.

"I hear that you've been taking steroids," Hatori starts.

Kyou jumps, "Aha! That's how you keep beating me! Steroids, huh?"

Yuki looks at Kyou, "I don't take steroids! But looks who's talking."

"I don't take them!" Kyou said back.

Hatori asks, "Then who's sample was I looking under?" That was when the poor young (young, right?) man had wide eyes, for it was his sample.

"Who, Hatori?" Yuki asked.

"Yes, please tell," Kyou said.

"No one. It's someone else." (sorry Hatori fans… this will cheer you up.) Hatori continues, "I think it was Akito." (sorry Akito fans… this will cheer you up.) He continues, "No, actually, it was the pet cat." (sorry cat lovers…XD cat taking steroids…no I'm just kidding…XD little hyper now…)

You may be asking as to who owns that sample…well, let's just say that that conversation never took place, to satisfy everyone…

Hatori takes off his shoes and starts to examine.

"Hatori, is this really necessary?"
"Well, Yuki, if you never come to your appointments, then this would never happen, now would it?"

"I was talking about your smelly feet. Put your shoes back in." A couple of people faint.

"That was what I was talking about as well. I need to feel at home anywhere I'm doing my doctor stuff, or else I get nervous."

"You're weird."

After the check up…

Momiji says, "Tohru! Oh, she's so beautiful!"

"Um…that's a boy…" Momiji turned to see a very informative, beautiful girl.

The boy goes, "uggh…" and walks away.

"Where's Tohru?" Momiji asked this girl.

"I am Tohru."

"Gutentag!" (did I spell that correctly? Eh…shrugs)

"You're Momiji, right?"

"You remembered!" Delighted from such a sharp memory, Momiji wanted to hug her.

"No you don't!" Kyou grabbed Momiji's little head.

"Hey! Let go!" Momiji looked at Kyou.

"You know full well why you can't hug her."

"Just because your crazy about Tohru and you can't keep your eyes off of her isn't my fault! I just want to hug her!"

"I'm not…what!" Taking a rush of panic, Kyou accidentally let Momiji's head slip out of his grip and Momiji hugged Tohru.

Poof.

Rabbit ears.

"What the –" (random student says)

"What was that?"

"Oh, a bunny!"

"How cute!"

"Where'd it come from?"

Tohru is dazzled from the yellow bunny. For one thing, bunnies are not yellow unless you spray paint it.

Yuki senses that he is not getting enough attention, so he says, "Hey! I look ugly in this don't I?"

Then the crowd divert their attention to tend to Yuki's comment.

Tohru runs out with the bunny.

On the top of the building…

Hatori says, "Hey, good job, Yuki."

"For what?"

"For diverting people's attention so that Tohru can get out of the room."

"Uh…Oooh! Yes! Of course! I'm ALWAYS looking out for other people's well being! Oh, and Momiji, don't become a bunny. It's a bad place to do it."

"Sure." (Yeah, Momiji's pretty obedient in my story for the sake of repetition of their conversation.)

"Go get my shoes. I forgot them," Hatori ordered.

"Sure." Momiji went to get them while still in his rabbit form. Obedient…right?

Hatori followed but stopped. "Hey, you two, stand next to each other."

Snapshot, camera picture taken.

"Hatori!" Kyou grumbled.

"Oh, and I have your little pink letter to your girlfriend, Kyou," Hatori waved the scented stationary.

"HATORIIIIII!" and chased after him. (that "girlfriend" is Tohru)

"I'm sorry, Tohru. I don't wish you to see me like this…"

"Oh, well I –"

"All those girls saying that I'm cute. It's not a compliment."

"Yeah sure."

You know what happens. The cute compliment part, the tohru speech and how Yuki says she would look cute. Can't cut anything funny in there except…

"I bet you would look really cute in this, Tohru."

"Oh, good Ra no! Not in that shit!"

Yuki thought, "Great! She thought I was walking around wearing shit."

The next day came when Yuki announced their profit.

"Well, class, we made it in last place. Well at least when we become seniors, we'll be the top…I hope…"

Everyone was merry.

- END -

Thank you for reading this far. I'm not the best at keeping patience with a long story/chapter. Small reviews appreciated. Long reviews appreciated. All reviews appreciated. (going a little crazy right now) See you later until the next time I can update…which may take a little waiting. I like to end with a smile, or at least two measly carrot marks that represent happy eyes.