AN: I'm back, with a lovely Tan! Nah not really, I haven't been on holiday, not on this earth anyway. I'm updating all my stories, or re-doing them. So be sure to check them all out!
I am unsure about what to do with this one. I have uploaded this chapter, however I am thinking I could may-be carry on, and make it into a proper story?
Review and tell me what you think?
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter … yet…
Chapter 5: Death Rant
Death Rant...
You can choose to either embrace death with open arms or simply shut it out until it happens...If you embrace it, it will be an easier task than if you were to shut it out... People die every few seconds and there's nothing we can do to stop it. However different people may think; I cannot save the world!
I always used to think that this world was just my creation, but then it changed. I guess I've passed that stage, I've asked all the questions, and I've never been given a legible answer … I gave up long ago.
You see, the world is what we make it, true… but it has been manipulated to suit those above us that we can't change it for ourselves… we are stuck living a life of dull slavery.
Time ticks by so quickly, I'm often found, silently sitting in my room and watching as the sun rises and falls, and I remain in silence, my life, like a ghost, fleeting past my very eyes, I sit, helpless as I grow older...
Everyday and everything is so harsh, do any of you have any friends that have died in your arms while you sat and did nothing? Have any of you ever killed? Has your life grown dark and cold? Welcome to my world... The sheer intensity of my wish to die causes me to prove that I am actually alive, as everything inside me feels as if it has been dead for so long, that I wonder if I'm not actually there, that I don't actually exist.
Even though I feel life is pointless, has no meaning; I believe that once one life ends, another is just going to begin, and I'll have to begin the pointless cycle over again, but at least I can start fresh, perhaps live a better life.
It's hard to know if one is truly alive, that's why I cut, that's why I watch as the blood tenderly drips along my arm and onto the floor... Then I cut again, just to know that I am alive...you should try it sometime...It's a rush…
You can never truly escape the pain that seeks you out… it'll never leave you alone, that is why we harm ourselves…it gives us just a little while to let the pain drain, before it finds it's way ban to begin again
You see, our bodies aren't real, our minds are the only thing that exists, life's a fleeting dream, and then we wake up!
I am not fading from myself, no matter how distant from myself I am I still feel the pain of living as me, I can still feel the guilt, I am still myself.
I'm dying inside, I can feel it surfacing, engulfing me within its cruel grasp, its screams fill my ears and I sink further beneath the surfaces of reality... I feel hollow, alone... my smile has not been seen upon my cold lifeless face for a while now ... no-one understands the torment that is raging inside me, they don't see the desperation for just something to feel real, in the pools of emerald that are my eyes...
Sometimes the urge to kill is so strong that all moral and reason is lost, you cannot control your actions, as the second the adrenaline enters your body, it takes over, the simple feel of some emotion is amazing and you wish for it to stay that way... you feast on it …
As I silently hold the wand in my hand, I stare down at the face-down figure with blood pooling around the body, it twitches and I fire one last curse into the mass on the floor... a dark grin passes my features... "I killed it'' ... "Yes I killed it''
But why do I feel so cold? I'll tell you why ... my one moment of feeling... one moment of a smile... Passed by... gone...The moment I wake up…
You ask why I'm not happy. Happiness is a form of denial ... we all know denial is a section of our minds that locks away all the pain and suffering that is reality... I prefer not to live a lie... it makes you believe false facts, gives you false hope and when your hopes are not met... you use one rash and unsuspecting action to end it all, you don't appreciate it... you don't revel in the fact that what you are about to do will make you happier than words could ever describe... you simply.. Die... No sacrifice or gift...you would be a liar to yourself as well as to others around you...
Suicide … now that is a thing to be worried about... I myself have been and may still be suicidal… yet I have never gone through with what I wish for so dearly ... the fact that we can take our own lives in a second if we wished, is so strong it overpowers me.
Yes, but death can be welcoming…its soft whispers caress you as you live in the darkness surrounding you, letting its tempting words fill you and let your mind fly within its misty water.
I'll never end up like that for I have always known the truth... and when I am finally set free I can rest in peace ... I can finally hold the honer of dying ... a smile on my face ... I'll be happy again...
AN: Well there you have it. I have to admit that most of that story was taken from a death rant I wrote about myself when I was going through my depressive stage, in fact all of it was. I've adapted it to fit Harry though, and I truly felt it fit in with his state of mind, so I believe I had the right to do that!
Please review
Kellie xx