I guess one could call this a satire... No offense is meant by it... most of the poking is at American's anyway, and since I am American... it's not meant to be taken personally.
Original lyrics to "Tipsy" (yes, the one's we've manhandled for your enjoyment) belong to J-Kwon (patronus snorts -- read on)
WARNING: SUBSTANCE ABUSE, POSSIBLE DISTURBING MENTAL IMAGES, CRUDE LANGUAGE AND DANCING, SAT WORDS (over the summer? are you mad?), AND OUT OF CHARACTERNESS.
Delve into the minds of two teenage girls at 2AM drinking so-called "butterbeer."
Tipsy
Every month, Dobby and Winky get one day off. Its Christmas time and Dobby is worried about Winky. She has been pining after her master's death for a few years now. Feeling exceptionally lonely this Christmas because he doesn't have a family to spend it with; and because the house elves at Hogwarts don't exactly bond with the students, Dobby decides to cheer Winky up by taking her on a little trip to experience American house elves life styles.
From Tyke, a fellow house elf who cleans the Ravenclaw's common room every Tuesday night, he heard that American house elves have an unusually free and peculiar lifestyle. Dobby is a disgrace for even mentioning his love for freedom, and especially on Christmas. So this Christmas, Dobby decides to fraternize with other house elves such as Winky and himself.
Dobby wore the same old tarnished tea cozy for a hat, pinned with an array of bright badges, a tie checkered with large and disturbing magenta and plum fish, and turquoise Speedo swimming jammers. Winky, as usual, was so piss drunk that she had no idea that she was wearing a pleasantly soft pink tutu and matching leotard,
With a snap of his fingers, he and Winky were transported in front of in middle of deserted Central Park, New York. The stars flickered drunkenly and they could hear the murmur of cars and muffled horns blaring. Crude laughter seemed to be coming from a clump of trees far off, and the flicker of lights told them that a fire had been started to try and ward off the cold. Dobby and Winky came to a great cedar and prodded a knot at the base. Magically, a circular panel rolled away, revealing a nook in the tree. As they stepped in, the panel rolled back, cutting off the muggle world, engulfing them in loud, thumping, unruly music. Vulgar lyrics reached their ears; the smell of liquor and the faint taste of alcohol was in the air.
They descended a stair made of roots, the thumping seeming to shake their very bones. Then they reached the bottom. Male elves stood behind doubled over females wearing close to nothing. Then with the woman's buttocks popping out rhythmically to the music with the male's….oh dear.
"Dobby?" Winky tugged on Dobby's tie to catch his attention as he too was staring at the unrefined antics taking place in front of them. "What is they doing? And why is that house elf touching her like that? Ooooh, this is very bad Dobby, Master Barty will not be pleased at all," she wailed in despair.
Dobby furrowed his eyebrows together as if trying to solve this disturbing enigma.
"I thinks they is dancing, Winky. Another house elf in the kitchens was telling me that is what American house elves do to have fun!" he said at the end with a touch of amusement and apprehension in his voice.
Winky was quite terrified now. Woman house elves continually rubbing their bodies with the other house elves did not seem… fun… or sanitary for that matter.
"Winky!" Dobby exclaimed excitedly, enthusiasm brimming in his large, tennis ball eyes, "Let's try! They all looks like are truly enjoying themselves!"
She looked at Dobby reproachfully then stared reluctantly back at the dance floor. The sounds these elves were making! The grunting and groaning and moaning! They sounded in pain!
"No Dobby!" she cried, her eyes now congealed with unshed scared tears. "I don't wants to do this! They are all hurting! Do you not hear them? They are crying! How can this be FUN?" She pointed out at the dance floor for affect as a drunken couple of elves passed out on the dance floor, obviously piss drunk.
But Dobby still persisted. "Come on Winky!" A great smile had been placed on his lips. "Just one dance! You'll enjoy yourself! I swears!"
"NO!" she screamed at the top of her lungs. The power of her voice was futile as the ruckus pounding of the bass blared on. Turning her back to him, she folded her arms, diligently refusing to do this 'dancing.'
Winky could not just walk away from Dobby though. She would have nowhere else to go.
Dobby observed Winky's indignation without much sympathy. They were in America for Merlin's sake! Land of the free! Home of the… whatever.
He stared at her back in frustration and gradually, his eyes wander downward and flashed with an idea. Dobby walked behind Winky and pressed himself against her.
Winky's eyes widened and she commenced screaming hysterically, chastising him at the top of her lungs, "DOBBY WHAT THE HELL IS YOU DOING?" Her hands instantly went to her mouth, as if trying to suppress the profanity waiting to jump out.
Then she felt a small tap on her bony shoulder.
As she turned around ready to scream at Dobby for even touching her, she gazed up at a masculine dark-gold house elf that she could describe no less that attractive. Her knees went weak.
"Is this elf bothering you?" he asked in a deep American accent, a hint of concern in his voice.
She glared at Dobby who was now held captive by a pair of large, burly house elves with sunglasses. Winky briefly wondered why the house elves were wearing sunglasses inside, and at night no less before replying.
"Yes." She narrowed his eyes at Dobby. "He is bothering me."
The two bodyguard elves began to take Dobby away when Winky said, "Don't hurts him! Just takes him aways!"
The burly house elves dragged Dobby toward a door near the bar. She shivered again at the feeling of Dobby behind her, so close in her personal space. The dark gold elf looked at her, his eyes almost affectionate and worried.
"Would you like to accompany me to the V.I.P. room?"
Winky hesitated, but he seemed nice enough. "Well… O-rite…" she agreed.
He took her arm in the crook of his and began leading her to a grand staircase at the back, leading upward into a golden light. "You don't come from around here, do you?"
"Well," she began slowly, and jumped to avoid a couple putting their body parts in places her mother would punish her for saying. "You see," she continued, "I come from England."
The elf's eyebrows raised in amusement, apparently delighted to meet a foreigners acquaintance. Then a look of surprise crossed his face. Instantly, he said, "Forgive me for my lack of manners. I haven't introduced myself properly." His eyebrows furrowed in consternation as they began to ascend the staircase.
About halfway up, he stopped her and stuck out his masculine hand in friendly mockery. "My name is K-Jwon. I'm the house elf to the hip-hop artist."
She nodded without understanding.
He smiled, "Yeah, my master's cool." They began to ascend the stairs once more and he went on, bragging, "He chill and stuff, he doesn't make me do a damn thing." He brushed invisible specks of dust off him and popped his collar.
They reached the top landing and the pungent odor of alcohol became more pronounced and her visibility became weaker because of all the strange smoke in the air. They walked to a corner at the end of the room as he added, "We be tipsy hella days," with an arrogant smirk on his face and a brief nod.
As they reached the corner, she noticed guys and girls sprawled all over one another. One had a drink in his hand while a girl upside on the couch took a drag on a joint. She looked around. Through the haziness, she saw a couple playing tonsil hokey ferociously and three elves, two girls and a guy, doing… Oh for Merlin's sake.
Trying to distract herself from visual violation, she turned toward K-Jown and asked him, "What does being tipsys mean?"
The upside down girl suddenly came to life and looked at her, "Damn bitch, you don' know?"
The guy with the vodka bottle in his hand looked at her and said, "Dammit bitch, you don't know her. Don't oppress my people!"
She turned to him, "Damn you fuckin' hoe! I AM your people!"
"Damn," he furrowed his eyebrows at her, "you are. Never thought the fuckin' day would come."
She closed her eyes again, off to tipsy land. "Shit faced hoe."
Winky looked at K-Jwon reproachfully, with a slight repulsion. Not wanting the attention of the others again, she whispered, "K-Jwon sir, what does tipsys mean?"
"Well my lil' lady, you about ta find out." He hailed to his friend who staggered reluctantly away from the two girls. "Let me introduce to you, my brotha' from anotha' motha'. Lil' Mon."
Lil' Mon observed Winky appraisingly, looking her up and down, "I keep it real with the bitches and hoes."
Winky raised her eyebrows. "That's quite lovely," she said with distaste.
K-Jwon, still looking at Winky, acknowledged Lil' Mon. "Drop it likes hot."
Lil' Mon nodded and started to beat box.
"Elf drinking is very bad. Yo, I got a fake pass though!"
As Lil' Mon continued to beat box, K-Jwon sat her down on a couch, pushing away the other house elves.
"Yeah, yeah, yeah… Two step elf man, two step elf man!" He began moving his gesticulating wildly with his hands.
"One, here comes the two to the three to the four
Errybody drunk out on the dance floor
Baby girl arse just look like she want more
Like she a groupie and I ain't even on tour."
He nodded his head to the rhythm, and with a snap of his fingers, a doo rag appeared on his head and his voice was magically magnified.
"Maybe 'cause she heard that I rhyme hardcore
Or maybe 'cause she heard that I can really clean floors
Bottom of the ninth, and this elf boy gotta' score
If not I got to move on to the next floor.
Here comes the three to the two to the one
Home elf trippin' he don't know I got a wand
When it come to moppin' we do this for fun
You ain't got one elf boy you better run
Now I'm in the back pulling weeds in the sun
While she goin down I'm braggin on what I done
She cleaning my stuff sayin she ain't havin fun
The next day she got clothes and I got none
Errybody in da club gettin' tipsy
(whispers) Errybody in da club gettin' tipsy
Errybody in da club gettin' tipsy
(whispers) Errybody in da club gettin' tipsy,"
In the middle of the chorus, K-Jwon snapped his fingers once more and blinding resilient jewelry appeared hanging from his neck, ears, and wrists, reflecting the limited light in the room.
"Errybody in da club gettin' tipsy
(whispers) Errybody in da club gettin' tipsy
Errybody in da club gettin' tipsy
(whispers) Errybody in da club gettin' tipsy
Two, here comes the three to the four to the five
Now I'm lookin' at shorty right in her eyes
Couple seconds pass now I'm lookin' at her pies
Now she tellin' me how much she wants to cry
'Cause she all trippin' she told her master a lie"
Now all of K-Jwon's posse were getting into the music. Those that seemed to be passed out or indisposed were dancing erratically like the rest of the house elves down stairs. Winky tried to seem amused but she just couldn't find it in herself to not be disgusted by the lewd antics taking place around her.
"Oh you unemployed girl that's alright
I wonder if her shake comin' with them fries
But instead of one life I'mma need two
Her eyes got big when she glanced at my spoons
Scratchin' on her face like she a buffoon
Then she told me she don't run my cleanin' crew
You know how I do but I guess one gotta do
Errybody in da club gettin' tipsy
(whispers) Errybody in da club gettin' tipsy
Errybody in da club gettin' tipsy
(whispers) Errybody in da club gettin' tipsy
Errybody in da club gettin' tipsy
(whispers) Errybody in da club gettin' tipsy
Errybody in da club gettin' tipsy
(whispers) Errybody in da club gettin' tipsy
Three, here comes the four to the five to the six
The average mandatory I ain't gotta sound rich
This single house elf ain't tryin' to get hitched
Nickel wasted on me man, son of a git
Brushed it off now I'm back to gettin' lit
Get some orange juice to that man 'cause he's a naggy Brit"
Winky scoffed at that line. Who did he think he was to say the British were naggy? Honestly…
"Home-elf trippin' 'cause I'm cleanin' up his sick
now he on the sideline sturrin' at my click
Here comes the five to the four to the three
Hands in the arr if yo elves drunk as me
Club on set Quan cut out them trees
Dude I don't curr I'm a HOUSE CLEANING FIEND!"
K-Jwon grabbed a nearby open bottle and began chugging down it's contents, not pausing for a breath even as he toppled over on the floor, lying on his back, the bottle falling to it's side beside him, passed out. The rest of the crowd kept chanting the chorus, continuing their crude dancing.
Winky looked around awkwardly, alone on the couch in the midst of the crowd. She stood up slowly; nobody noticed her. Neither did they notice her as she sidled out of the room and slipped back down the stairs to find Dobby.
Back at Hogwarts, Dobby went back to cleaning the dorms and preparing food in the kitchens, a little disappointed that he had to leave such a carefree lifestyle… and he obviously aspired for so much.
As for Winky… She never looked, mentioned, or touched a bottle of butterbeer EVER again. Last thing she wanted to do was to end up like those damn Americans who had no fucking sense of propriety.
FIN