Fairy Tales: A Shinobi Tribute
Chapter One: The Three Little Sand-nins
by Kisoku no Yanagi
Once upon a time, in a little (well, okay, a big) village by the name of Sunagakure no Sato, which, coincidentally, meant Village Hiding in Sand. An apt name, for the little(big)dwelling area was in the middle of a desert. Although, the village wasn't exactly hiding. That's silly.
In this village, were several peopl. There were the three little Sand-nins, Temari, Kankurou, and Gaara. Temari was rather tempestuous, considered a beauty by some, and considered a cow by others(Kankurou). Kankurou was a skilled puppeteer, and was a bit overweight for someone who lived in a desert village, where food was scarce and water scarcer.
Gaara...Gaara...Gaara was creepy. He had little black bags under his eyes brought on by forced insomnia. His stature was small, for someone of his age, and he was rather silent. Everyone in the village feared him. He will henceforth be labeled: The Village Goth Wannabe.
There were also the three little Sand-nins' father, Mean Mister Kazekage, and their kind uncle, Unc' Yasha. His full name was Yashamaru, and he actually hated strawberries, but not many people knew his name was Yashamaru, and even less people knew that he didn't like strawberries.
Chiyo-baa was also a resident of Suna, as were Baki and Sasori. Chiyo was an old lady, but she could still make a mean apricot-zucchini jam, as well as remain undefeated at limbo. Maybe because she was both shorter than 75 of the world's population, as well as a contortionist.
Baki was a scarred man, both mentally and physically. His face was covered with jagged, black burn marks on one side, and his lips were slightly reminiscent of a fish's. However, he was still voted Bachelor of the Year. Maybe because he had killed off all of the other bachelor candidates.
Sasori was also a skilled puppeteer, and would often play with Kankurou, making fun of his relatively clumsy attempts at puppetry. He was a queer man, already in his fifties, and yet looking no older than his twenty-year old self. He was always wearing a perpetually stoned expression, giving him the appearance of a crack addict.
All of these people lived in relative peace(Relative being the key word), until one day...
A funny man in a black cloak with red cotton balls(Akatsuki Leader: Clouds) imprinted on it came to the village one day, and spoke with Sasori. After he left, Sasori began to do weird things. That usually involved a thick, short branch, and lots of extremely slick lube, but that's another story.
He left one day, breaking both the heart and sanity of his grandmother, Chiyo-baa. He joined up with the funny man in the funnier cloak, and put on a funny cloak too. As a by-product of extensive plastic surgery, Sasori's face mutated into a funny puppet-looking thing, with cornrows and creepy little eyebrows. Thus, the Akatsuki Recruitment Age began.
This age was marked with the abandonment of several normally sane and productive citizens doing insane things, and then joining up with the funny man in the funnier cloak and the even funnier looking Sasori, and putting on ridiculously billowy robe-looking coats.
Take Uchiha Itachi, for example. In the beginning, he was a simple grain farmer, who helped his family, name Uchiha, respectively, with growing grain. This shouldn't have been a problem, but he was also a master magician and illusionist, and so, he was recruited by the Akatsuki, a group consisting of Leader, Sasori, Deidara, Kisame, Itachi, Zetsu, and some side-show attractions who had been hideously mutated by chemicals from a chemistry lab in a middle school in the middle of the Middle East, which was really in the middle of Africa, but by now you're probably sick of all the middles, so I'll cut off this rant/tonguetwister in the middle.
Anyways, the ramshackle group sought to create the greatest circus ever in the world. And what does a circus need, to become truly great?
Why, animals, of course! And the Akatsuki would not settle for just any animals, oh, no, they wanted the Bijuu. Legendary tailed demons, who could utterly destroy a person's mind with their utter cuteness.
(zooming in to chibi-Kyuubi)
See? Anyways, Itachi murdered his entire family, with the exception of his pet salamander, Ukki, and his pet plant, Sasuke.
And he henceforth set out on a quest of complete circus-ness.
And, you guessed it, Shukaku, the Ichibi, the One-tailed Bijuu, was the pet of none other than Gaara. Of course. No wonder he's so messed up.
And so, one day, the Akatsuki paid a visit to the Village Hidden in Sand, Sunagakure no Sato. Or, Suna. And they proceeded to stage a circus, having captured a Hanyou. And so, planning to snag Shukaku in the midst of the applause, the Akatsuki extended a special invitation to the three little Sand-nins.
And it would've worked, if it wasn't for the fact that Mean Mister Kazekage started to boo in the middle of the tightrope walk, claiming that Deidara cheated by putting mini-birds on his feet.
Well, of course, Deidara lifted his feet, showing that he didn't have mini-birds on his feet. Unfortunately, he did have mini-birds on his feet, and this started a huge wave of rotten strawberried being thrown(Mainly by Unc' Yasha, though no one could see him.).
In the middle of this riot, Unc' Yasha was hit over the head by a stray frying pan, and suffered a both a concussion, and a glimpse into telepathy.
"Gaara! I see..." Yashamaru began.
"What? What do you see, Unc' Yasha?" Gaara asked, clutching tightly onto Shukaku, who by now was cooing with delight, the very image of chibi kawaii-ness.
"Well, other than the fact that Mean Mister Kazekage has a cavity that he's been trying to drill for oil for the past three weeks, you must run!" the kind-hearted man shouted, making everyone stare. He threw a strawberry.
"Whatever do you mean, dear uncle?" Kankurou asked, his face paint running.
"Just run! Start a new life! And whatever you do; don't let the Akatsuki take Shukaku!" Yasha gasped, just as a large boulder hit the seat right next to him.
And so, the three siblings fled, each going their own separate ways. Temari built a house of several long reeds woven across many bamboo poles. Kankurou built a sturdy log cabin, with the best beer-polished furniture. And Gaara built a small hut out of steel, iron, and chakra-reinforced sand, with a large raccoon with strange designs all over it for the door.
One day, Temari heard a knock upon her fragile door. "What could that be, that makes a noise at my door so?" Temari wondered, and so, she opened the door.
Peering out at her from under a large hat were a pair of beady eyes. "Is this the home of Sabaku no Gaara?" Came a voice.
Temari raised an eyebrow and said, "Where have you been, Mr. Sasori?"
The voice growled. "You shut up, you."
"The answer is no, Mr. Sasori." Temari said firmly, and shut the door in the plastic surgery-mutated man's face.
"Little Sand-nin, little sand-nin, let me in!" Sasori yelled.
"No! Not by the non-existent pubic hair of my non-existent pubic hairs!" Temari yelled back.
"Then I'll pinch, and I'll poke, and I'll tickle this house to smithereens!" Sasori yelled again, and he did just that. The house of reeds and bamboo fell, like so many giggling toddlers.
Temari screamed as Sasori advanced. "AAIIIIEEEE! What are you going to do to me, Mister Sasori?"
Sasori put his hand on his hip, and waggled a finger. "Well, for starters, I'll probably rape you, and then butt-rape you. Then I'll kill you, and rape your dead body!" the Akatsuki member laughed, and closed his eyes, fantasizing about the whimpering female.
"Well, no, not really. But it sounds very creepy." Sasori admitted, opening his eyes. Alas, Temari was gone!
Temari ran, and ran, and ran until she could run no more. Coming to Kankurou's home, she heard voices coming from the back of the cabin. Putting her ear to the door, she listened.
"No, he doesn't live here, he hasn't lived here ever!" Yelled the voice of Kankurou.
"Then where does he live?" Came a silky, dangerous voice.
"No idea. Go away." Kankurou replied brusquely, and the sound of the back door slamming made its way to Temari's eardrums.
"Little sand-nin, little sand-nin, let me in!"the voice demanded.
"NO! Not by the non-existent armpit hair of my non-existent armpit hair!" Kankurou hollered, punching the door. On the other side, Temari stumbled backward, a migraine making its way towards her head. She leaned back in.
"Then I'll huff, and I'll puff, and I'll either blow this house down, or die from a heart-attack induced by eating too many fatty foods!"
And so the voice did. How a voice did it, no one knows to this day, but Kankurou swore there was no one there when the dust cleared.
"AAAAAIIIIEEEEEEE!" Both of the siblings screamed, not unlike a little girl, as the house came down around their ears. Running around in circles like a recently beheaded chicken, they ran into each other, got up, and ran towards Gaara's house, which was...
"Over the river and through the woods, to Ga-ara's house we go!"
At his house, Gaara was just finishing up some touches on a large statue of a spruce tree made of sand, when all of a sudden, Temari and Kankurou came in. Shutting the raccoon and locking it with a large key, and an equally large latch, Gaara raised an eyebrow in an inquisitive manner.
"HEY! OPEN UP!" Came a rather gravelly and sharky voice.
"No! Not by the abnormally-long nose hair of our abnormally-long nose hair!" Temari and Kankurou replied defiantly. Gaara raised his other eyebrow. Of course, since Gaara has no eyebrows, it's purely metaphorical, but that's not the point.
"Aren't you going to join in, oh lover of Shukaku?" the voice inquired, with genuine puzzlement in his voice. Gaara shook his head. How he expected a voice from outside to see him shaking his head, I don't know, but he obviously did, and the voice knew it too.
"Then I'll rub, and I'll lick, and I'll fellatio this house into a demolishing orgasm!" the voice yelled, and indeed, smacking and rubbing and slurping could be heard.
"How are you going to drive an inanimate object to an orgasm?" Gaara spoke up.
"Shut up."
And so, the voice fellatioed the house until Gaara finally lost all patience, and threw Shukaku out the window(which, interestingly enough, had been open the whole time.).
"Here, take it," Gaara said, his expression one of distaste. "But never again fellatio my house."
"ALRIGHT!" The voice cried, and yahoo'ed, and hurray'ed, and seemed to grow dimmer.
Gaara looked over to his celebrating siblings, and raised a non-existent eyebrow, then kicked THEM out the window as well.
And so, the single remaining sand-nin henceforth lived a very lonely life indeed, while the other two ran to the nearest gas station, and remain employees to this day.
THE END
Okay, I know this sounds like I wrote it while I was taking crack. I wasn't. I was smoking weed.( You all know I'm joking, right?) I love the Sand Sibs, but I can't help poking fun at them.
Gojyo: Hey, you have weed?
Kratos: Gimme.
Seta: Isn't weed bad for you?
Ye-
Gojyo: No, it's a very harmless substance, taken in mass quantities, and used to induce euphoria and temporary clinical insanity.
Seta: I don't know what that means, but it sounds smart. sniffs a bunch of weed
...Gojyo, you have no idea how much I'm going to hurt you. Anyways, please review! I'm trying to decide which one to do next, and I'd like to the Three Billy Goats Gruff, Team Seven style. But I'm not sure if I should do a different one first. Feedback would be appreciated.
Gojyo: Itachi's busy, so... please fla-
(kick)Go away, Prince of Beer.