1Fairy Tales: A Shinobi Tribute
The Three Shinobi Idiotic
by Kisoku no Yanagi
Yeh, know I said Team Seven, but it suddenly dawned on me that this would be easier to do. So, maybe I'll do Team Seven sometime later.
Once upon a time, three shinobi lived on a hill on the border of Otogakure no Sato and Konohagakure no Sato. They were the Legendary Sucker, the Legendary Pervert, and the Legendary ...um...Tongue. Their real names were Tsunade, Jiraiya, and Orochimaru, respectively, but nobody knew that, for they were legendary shinobi. Of course, the Sucker and the Pervert both being alchoholics, and the Tongue being Michael Jackson reincarnate, a lot of people from the younger generation didn't know THAT.
Now, every year, the three Legendaries would cross over a bridge connecting their hill to another, called the Great Naruto Bridge - Clone. The name was a blatant rip-off of the name of another bridge, the Great Naruto Bridge, in Wave Country, named after a hyper-active blonde boy who outdrank the daimyo and won the whole country because of the bet the daimyo had previously made.
While crossing the bridge, all three of them would also have to pay toll. The toll was not a small fee of 5 ryou, or maybe a strip tease from Tsunade, although that would most likely get the toll paid as well. The toll was giving the Youma underneath the bridge an offering of several hundred souls.
After passing the bridge, they would come to a grand and glorious place, filled with gambling dens and pachinko parlors for Sucker, several brothels and strip clubs for Pervert, and many, many orphanages for Tongue. This place was heaven for the Legendaries, and so, they went every year as a vacation.
However, there remained the problem of the Youma. Many times, the Youma(henceforth to be known as Kyuubi)was drunk when they crossed the bridge, and so, they passed without incident. Unfortunately, this could not always last...
One fine day, as the birds sang, and the grasses shone with dew, and flowers glistened with ethereal beauty, a foot came down, and crushed a bird, flattened the grasses, and stomped out the flowers.
"I hate these long-winded descriptions," said Pervert. Hark! Here cometh Sucker!
"Well. I hate 'em too, but at least I like flowers." Sucker replied, smashing Pervert's face with a gigantic uppercut.
"...I like little boys that angst a lot." Tongue hissed, his tongue licking his lips.
As the trio walked toward the Great Naruto Bridge - Clone, they suddenly saw a huge, demonic fox, who loomed up and said...
"Bob, the Builder, can we fix it! Bob, the builder, yes we can!" It sang, twirling about in a horrifying parody of light-heartedness.
"AAAIIIIIIEEEE!" Pervert screamed. "The demon has risen out of the depths of its fiery chasm!"
The nine-tailed fox-demon looked at him curiously, and spoke up. "Well, actually, its only about 30 feet deep, but I dug a bit deeper in parts."
Sucker looked up at the giant Youma, and mustering up her best cutesy voice, she pleaded, "Dear Mr. Youma, please let us pass!"
The Youma looked down at her, and smiled a ghastly smile. "Of course. But first, you must pay my toll!"
Tongue spoke up next. "And what is your toll?"
"Why, several hundred souls, of course! Bob the Builder videos at the nearest Youma-mart don't come cheap you know!" The great demon howled, as the Legendaries face-faulted.
"Hey, let us pass, you stupid fox!" Pervert yelled, throwing a banana at Kyuubi. The demon caught it one of it's tails, and the three looked incredulously as a small wisp of blue was drawn out of the banana, leaving it black and crispy and looking barbecued.
"Kuh! That's only half-a-soul! What are you playing at!" Kyuubi yelled, the sheer force of his voice blowing the Sannin back a couple of yards.
"Well, what if I gave you a strip-tease?" Sucker asked in an enticing voice. Kyuubi wrinkled his nose.
"I'm a different species, woman!" He yelled yet again.
"I'll give you a ticket to the next Harry Potter movie." Tongue stated, his voice...um...hissy.
"I don't like Harry Potter."
"A giant chocolate chip cookie?"
"My dentist forbids consumption of any sweets."
"How about a bottle of tequila?"
"Non-alchoholic(Yeh, right)."
"A bath?"
"Why do you think there's a bridge?"
"A porn mag?"
"As said, different species."
"I give up!" Sucker shouted, exasperated. She pointed at the giant Youma. "We have to get through him before seven o'clock, or the pachinko parlors will open without me!"
"Fine. We'll try to sneak through." Tongue suggested.
Pervert laughed, while Sucker looked skeptical. "Alright, but if we die, I'll kill you again in hell."
After several days of trying to get past the large and furry demon, the Legendaries had a great idea.
"What if we summon a big animal to fight him?" Tongue suggested, while Pervert and Sucker looked happy.
"That sounds like a good idea! I'll get Katsuyu," said Sucker. Both Tongue and Pervert shook their heads.
"Nope. Katsuyu is a slug. That thing will use it for an all-natural pesticide. I'll summon Gama Bunta." Pervert suggested, while the other two punched his face.
"Bunta is a frog. Foxes eat frogs. I'll summon Manda." Tongue said, and before any of the two could complain, he slammed his hands on the ground. In a giant puff of smoke came...
A cell phone. Picking it up, Orochimaru dialed a number, and started speaking in funny hisses.
(Phone call)
Tongue: Hissashaiakhu? (Is this Manda?)
Voldemort: Demaseniashaa...(No, this is Voldemort.)
Tongue: Netriakkushina...(Oh. Well, I need to find Manda, so bye.)
Voldemort: Shina, shiina...(Bye-bye...)
(Phone call #2)
Tongue: Hissashaiakhu? (Is this Manda?)
Harry: Demahousiaren...(No, this is Harry Potter)
Tongue: Netriakkushina...(Oh. Well, I need to find Manda, so bye.)
Harry: Kakkerienach...(I know where you live...)
Tongue: ...Gasharinah...(You perverted weasel, you.)
Harry: Bunormugasieth...(Coming from a pedophilic homo. At least I'm straight)
Tongue: (click/hang up)
Harry: Oh, be that way. Stupid little...
(Phone Call #3)
Tongue: Hissashaiakhu?(Is this Manda?)
Manda: Fhiisssssss...(Yes. You know I can understand normal speech, don't you?)
Tongue: Komietraichen...(Yes. So? It sounds better when I talk in Parseltongue.)
Manda: Kaashaanakh...(Cross-over endorser)
Tongue: Neitrech. (Shut up)
Manda: Well, I'll come over.
Tongue: You don't know where I am. And why did you switch to English?
Manda: Because your accent is terrible.
Tongue: Oh.
(Back to the bridge)
Closing the cell-phone, Tongue looked over at the other two. "He says he'll come."
"Alright, we'll just have to wait for a few minutes, right? Right?" Pervert said, earning him another punch.
And so they waited. And waited. And waited. And waited some more.
"Hey, how is everyone? Sorry I'm late, I was hungry, so I looped around to the McDonald's." Manda explained.
Sucker raised an eyebrow. "The one with the PlayHouse?" Manda hung his head in shame.
"Well, either way, we need you to go beat him up." Tongue pointed in the direction of Kyuubi.
Manda looked at him, looked at Tongue, and then opened his mouth. "Hey, Kyuubi, long time no see!"
"Manda! Your accent is as terrible as ever!"
"Shut up. Listen, can you let these three pass?"
"Sorry, I'm broke, and the Bob the Builder soundtrack just came out."
"Oh, so that's how it is." Manda turned to the three, and smiled apologetically. "Well, I guess I have to fight him, don't I?"
Turning back to Kyuubi, he started looping himself into several patterns, circles, and ovals, and figure-eights. Then, striking without warning, he pushed Kyuubi over the bridge.
Rushing over the bridge, as Manda and Kyuubi slapped each other silly with their respective tails, the Legendaries whooped when they reached the other side. Then, looking back at the bridge, they noticed it was gone.
Indeed it was, for Kyuubi had grabbed it when he fell into a bottomless chasm, taking both the bridge and Manda with him.
"Well. You always told me it was pretty shallow." Manda said, looking at Kyuubi. Kyuubi shrugged.
"I also said I had dug a little deeper."
"It's my fault for picking a fight with you, dear Kyuubi, so let me take all the blame."
"Nono, it was my selfishness and addiction to Bob the Builder that forced them to summon you in the first place. The blame in mine."
"Mine."
"Mine."
"Mine."
"Mine."
By the time both reached bottom, they were each satisfied with the amount of oppressive blame they each had.
They blamed Tongue.
Meanwhile, the Legendaries were celebrating on the other side. Sucker was playing and losing horribly in a gambling den, Pervert was groping the geishas in one of the pleasure-houses, and Tongue was molesting little boys in an orphanage, much to the chagrin of the other children.
And they all lived quite happily(bless their souls, the perverted old geezers)ever after.
THE END
Well, all done. Man, this was a hell of a thing to write, I had to keep making Parseltongue phrases.
Soujiro: What's Parseltongue?
Gojyo, give him your copy of the Chamber of Secrets.
Gojyo: Movie, poster, book, Gamecube, PS2, PC, or Gameboy Advance?
...Movie.
Soujiro: I get to watch a movie? Yay!
Yeah. Yeah, you go do that. Anyways, please review, minna-san! Next up will be...um...well, I'm out of ideas, ehehe...I mean, I want to Hinatarella, but...I'm not sure on the roles, so if you have a request, please leave it in a review or e-mail.
Anyways, see ya!