Disclaimer: I own nothing referenced in this story. I wish I owned something referenced in this story, but wishing doesn't get you anywhere, you pansy!

This straight jacket is crushing my artistic integrity, along with the boxers Jack made me wear. I think he's jealous. Anyway, people have started to think I've gone crazy. I'm not! I met a tree in the jungle who called himself Treebeard, and he said I wasn't crazy. He also called me 'little Shire-ling'... Maybe he's crazy. I had a chat with the empty water bottle the other day. It went something like this:

"Have you been eating your veggies, Merry?"

"Maybe..."

"You haven't, have you? I swear, you're always on about the cheeseburger. Move on with your life, man! It's obvious the cheeseburger doesn't want to talk to you anymore."

"No! It's just.. taking a vacation away from me. Yeah, that's it. See, I know the cheeseburger wouldn't cheat on me."

The waterbottle sighed,"You are one crazy Hobbit, sir."

"Did you just call me a hobbit?"

"...Yes..."

"I'm not a hobbit!"

"Then how do you explain why you're so short, and why you look exactly like Dominic Monaghan?"

Here the waterbottle started to confuse me, so I asked,"Who's Dominic Monaghan? His name sounds sexy, but I have no idea who he is or what he looks like." WB shook her head,"He never gets any good parts in movies, that's why you don't know him." I gave WB a sympathetic look,"Aww... Maybe he'll catch a break." WB(who I will now call Bettabottom) nodded,"Maybe." That was the end of our conversation for the day. When Bettabottom hopped off to talk with Treebeard, Claire came and sat by me. I looked at her, and she looked at me. It was just plain staring at each other for a few minutes. She got up to leave without saying a word, but I didn't want her to leave. So I said,"Wait, please.." she looked down at me like.. I wasn't crazy anymore, which is absurd because I wasn't crazy in the first place. She smiled a little, resting a hand on that rather large stomach of hers,"What is it, Charlie?" I smiled back. It must've scared her because she wasn't smiling anymore. It was more a scared grimace. I giggled and said,"The people on this island think I'm crazy, for they do not believe that I, Charlie Pace, invented the chocolate eclair. Ha. I shall smash their heads open and use their skulls as soup bowls.Oooh, sweet soup! Be good to me and I shall kill you last!" I guess I shouldn't have cackled at the end of my special rant, because Claire ran off. Man, for a pregnant lady, she could run really really fast. I watched as she disappeared from view before I started rolling around in the sand with the sand fleas who had become one at that presice moment. I will name them Liam, after my brother. That bastard. After rolling around in the sand, giggling from the jokes Liam had told, I decided to go play Twenty-one with Treebeard, Bettabottom, and this guy. I dunno know his name, but Bettabottom invited him over for tea and biscuits. I didn't get a biscuit. I got a cococut. I banged my hollow coconut halves together(that sounds funny! WHEE!) as Bettabottom and Treebeard chatted it up with this guy. He had a Scottish accent, and it annoyed me. I don't have the slightest clue why. He seemed to be telling a story... Like.. a hunting story... He said,"Well, it was.. four in the morning. A good forty five degrees. 'Course you weren't there... Pussy. I've got on camoflauge everything.. I have deer urine on my boots... I'm not sure why. Heh.. I made that part up. Anyway, a deer comes up and before it could lick the salt-sucker I hung on the dang dung tree... 'Caught him right above the eye." Treebeard laughed,"Well I hit one with a van goin' 55 miles an hour with the headlights on and the horn blowin'. There were fireworks, I swear." Bettabottom giggled,"That's the beginning of the Chinese space program!" The joke went completely over my head, so it must've been one of those 'inside jokes' I've been hearing so much about. I want an inside joke! Ok, A Brit, a Frenchman, and an American get stranded on an uncharted island and get captured by the natives. The Chief comes and goes,"We're gonna skin you alive and make canoes outta your skin, but we'll give you one last request." He turns to the Brit and the Brit says,"Give me a knife." They give him a sharp and pointy(Oooh, pointy!) knife and he slits his own throat. The Chief turns to the Frenchman and the Frenchman says,"Give me ze knife!" They give him the knife, he slits his own throat. Now, the Chief turns to the American and gives him the knife, but the American throws it back and goes,"Gimme a fork." So, the Chief gives him a fork and the American stabs his chest with it and goes,"SCREW YOUR CANOE!" Does that count as an inside joke? I wouldn't know. This is Charlie Pace signing off. Hee! I've always wanted to say something like that! Like the people on the BBC! I wanna be on the BBC!Why aren't I on the BBC!

Ok, this chapter will go over your head if you haven't seen Blue Collar Comedy Tour Rides again. Sorry if the joke at the end insulted you. I'm American and the first thing I thought was,"Whoah. I would've done the exact same thing!" Hee.. I shall give you a biscuit if you can figure out where the Dom quote is,where I got the idea of Charlie was banging hollow coconuts together, or who made up the story from BCCTRA. It's a special five biscuit deal if you get the answers to all of those questions right. MUWAHAHAA! By the way, my friend made up the special rant about the soup. I didn't.. I just wanted to use it, 'cause that's what I think my crazy/insane Charlie would say in this fic. By the way, if you happen to give me a good idea, I'll let you hold Dom's boxers. Hee... I didn't steal them! WHAT'RE YOU TALKING ABOUT! -runs away, giggling madly-