Disclaimer: I don't own LOST, but I wish I did. Does that count for anything?

I've been procrastinating again. My apologies. The bit about the Lemon Heads up the nose is a DIRECT quote from my friend. The bit with Jack and Kate is from the Ellen DeGeneres talk show thingy with Foxy, and.. er.. I think that's it.

Nothing has been happening lately. I have no idea why. Well, I saw Scott and Steve trying to talk about how one of them should shave the other's head so they wouldn't get mixed up so often. I stood a little off-hand and watched them argue. It was funny.

Ever since I got off withdrawel from my pressciousss drugses... I mean er.. nasty heroin..ses.. I haven't seen Bettabottom, or the dancing cheeseburger! Something must be wrong with me. As a note to the withdrawel.. Locke took my drugs. Then after a bit, he gave them back, and I accidentally dropped them into the bloody fire! Well actually, Bettabottom came up to me when Locke glanced away, and knocked my bloody hand and made me drop the little baggie.. It mad me sad.

Anyway, a couple of days after the Steve/Scott argument, I saw Jack trying to get Kate to move to the caves. He said that it was for shelter, but.. I think he wants to put the moves on her... But that's just me. It was so insulting, I'm going to tell it to you as it happened.

Jack walked up behind Kate, who was standing in the sand, staring out at the ocean and tapped her on the shoulder. She whirled around and almost punched him out, but due to his girly scream, she had to stop and look at him wierdly.(Which was funny.) I was sitting with Claire, and we were watching them, so I had a good view of this. Jack cleared his throat and said,"Kate, you have to move to the caves." She raised an eyebrow(That reminds me.. There are no bloody tweezers on this island- how do these women keep their eyebrows so shapely!) and said,"Why should I, Jack?"

"It's natural shelter, Kate! Everybody is going. Korean woman who knows how to speak English but pretends not to, helpful over-weight good guy with a great sense of humour.."and here he turned around and pointed at me, and I pretended to be examining Claire's nails,"and even the hobbit from the Lord of the Rings is going!" WHY DO PEOPLE KEEP CALLING ME THAT! Oh well, I guess I'll just have to deal with it. All in all, Kate wasn't persuaded by Jack and stayed on the beach.

I've been having Ethan problems lately. He's always stalking me, and I can't seem to get away. I caught him staring at me through trees when I was going to the loo, and frankly, it scared the shit out of me. Haha.. I made a joke. Every time he comes within earshot, I can hear him muttering stuff like,"Stupid little... We're going to hang him- yesss... we are... Aren't we, little voices that whisper!" and "Stupid squirrelsss..." It makes me nervous. I tried to talk to somebody about this, but they're so narrow-minded that they won't believe me. Last of the people to confront was Jack, and he's the most narrow-minded of them all! What the hell? It's like he doesn't realize something until the last minute when it's too late!

Claire is so bloody annoying. It's always,"My baby" this and "My baby" that and worst of all it's always "It wasn't a dream!" Oh boo hoo, somebody wants your bloody baby. You don't even want it! I saw your flashback... You tried to give it away. Just because you have bad luck with pens doesn't mean it's fate, darling. You should've used a pencil. Not a mechanical pencil, but one of those old yellow ones with the pretty number two in green near the eraser. Those are hard to break when you're writing.

I tried to have quality time with Sawyer, but he's too busy trying to use pick up lines with Kate, and he's always calling me 'limey'. I think I smell more like a lemon.. Unless I taste like a lime? Lemons are so much better than limes. They're bigger and a nice yellow colour, and so many other things. You don't catch a chef using lime zest! NOPE! It's always lemon zest, dammit!

I am NOT going into the area of Shannon and Boone bickering! Not even if you stopped calling me 'hobbit-boy', or stopped saying,'Do you really have insomnia?' I don't know why people keep thinking I have wierd dillusions about dead people, but it's really annoying. Sure, I've met this guy who got fried with lightening when he was parachuting, and he seems like a funny guy when he isn't ranting about me and how I'm always going on about my problems. He called me Jack, but... that's the doctor, right? Maybe there's a guy who looks like me who's name is Jack, I don't know.

Haha, I found out something really funny the other day. When you stick Lemon Heads up your nose, it really burns. But, you have to take off the protective waxy outer coating and lick it a little before you stick it up your nose, otherwise you just have a Lemon Head up there. There are so many interesting things that you can do with your nose that isn't smelling or snorting. You can pick it... and use it to turn on light switches... and you can't play a harmonica with it. Oh, and don't forget that you can stick it in unwanted places! EW! Get your mind out of the sodding gutter, you pervert.

I want to paint my nails. That may sound girly, but who says butch guys can't paint their bloody fingernails! I bet every single man on this sodding island paints their nails. That's probably why there isn't any! Hell, Jin's so girly he could pass as one! Only the bloody Asian population of men could pass as a girl and not be counted as gay. Have you ever seen that Gackt guy? He's wierd. I don't know why he's so popular with Liam. (My actual brother, not the sand fleas.) I think.. Liam is gay... He may have a wife and daughter, but he let guy groupies into our lounge after shows... I have scars to prove it.

To my two only reviewers:

bookworm835: Thanks! Now I know that I'll at least have one review. Er.. No insult to Leaviel...

Leaviel: I read your fic, and I think I reviewed... It was hella funny!

Until next time, my duckies.