He heard voices that sounded like static in his ears and he let it soothe him. The pain was still there, shimmering at the edges of his awareness and prickling under his skin. His fingers curled with the need to scratch it away but he was still bound and couldn't reach them. John opened his eyes and blinked away the sleep-induced bleariness.

"Major."

"Rodney." John winced at the sound of his voice, a hoarse croaking that sounded as strained to the limits as he felt. He watched Rodney grab the ever present glass of water and hold the straw to his lips. John drank a few swallows and it eased the tightness a bit. "Thanks."

Rodney nodded and set the glass back. "How do you feel? You look a bit better. Sort of. You know?"

John felt like smiling as he listened to Rodney rambling. He had missed it. But he wasn't sure he remembered how to smile. "I feel...gritty." He would have said more, because he knew Rodney would understand, but Beckett and Weir appeared, forming a circle around his bed. John focused on Beckett first. "Can I shower?" John couldn't remember the last time he had felt clean. Really. clean.

"Maybe in a few," Carson allowed, and he looked a bit surprised. He then busied himself with Sheppard's vitals.

"How do you feel, John?" Elizabeth queried.

He looked at her, at the way her arms were folded over her chest and the stoic look she kept plastered on her features. She would look so much younger if she let herself relax, he thought. "I've been better," he allowed.

Carson touched his shoulder. "How is the pain?"

"Still there." John saw no reason to lie about it. He shifted but couldn't quite get comfortable with the restraints. "Can you take these off?" He asked straight out. He would beg later, if he had too.

"I guess we can for a bit, see how you do," Carson stated.

John felt relief wash over him and he was happy when Rodney was the first to start unbuckling. Once his hands were free, John rubbed at his wrists, staring at the abraded flesh. It was sore to touch but it was a good pain. Not broken and hungry and twisted. Just simple and obvious and he rubbed a little harder to stay connected to it. The other pain was creeping closer to his awareness and he knew he wasn't ready for it. "Thanks," he said, belatedly.

Elizabeth's eyes never left him. "John...can you tell us what happened?"

"Rodney didn't tell you?" John was surprised.

"He mentioned Kolya's name, that's all. He felt we should wait to ask you about it." Elizabeth moved closer to the bed as she spoke, reaching out to touch his shoulder.

He knew she could feel his tenseness. But John made himself relax before easing away from her touch. He still felt gritty and even though touch grounded him, it still hurt. His nerve endings still sparked with pain. Never going numb the way he wished they would. Realizing that everyone was waiting for a reply, John cleared his throat and tried to remember. "I got caught laying cover fire. Blacked out and woke up in a room with Kolya there. He was playing with me." John remembered that clearly, all the taunts and word games and the pain. Always the pain. "He wanted to break me."

Rodney spoke up. "But he didn't." And he looked proud of that fact.

"Maybe." John was no fool.

"Is he dead? Kolya?" Elizabeth's tone was harsh as she asked.

John knew what she wanted to hear. What she needed to hear. Kolya had left his mark on her as well. "I think so." He wanted to give her more but he was so confused about everything. About what was real and what was just wishful thinking on his part.

Rodney was watching him. "That doesn't matter, does it?" He sounded pissed.

"It matters to me," John whispered, although he realized what Rodney was trying to do. He was trying to shield him from having to remember. He would thank him for that later. But he had something else to focus on now. John turned his head to look at Beckett. "What's wrong with me?"

"Well…You know you were drugged." It was a statement, not a question.

John nodded. "I know." He remembered, all too well, being held down and the feel of pin pricks under his skin. He could feel them burning now. Itching. He scratched hard, his nails digging deep. Until a hand gripped his wrist and John looked up at Beckett. Then down at his arm, staring at the stretch of angry red skin. John took a shuddery breath and tugged his arm free. "Sorry." He buried his fingers in the blankets and curled them tight. He didn't want the restraints on again. "What did they give me?" he prompted. Maybe it would help him understand and he would begin to know what was real again.

Carson sighed and rubbed a hand over his face. "Well...it's a drug called Red Sun. You have Teyla to thank for figuring that out. And for getting us some so that I can study it."

"How long will the effects last?" John would thank Teyla, later. He had to focus on getting better first.

"That's the bad part, Major." Carson winced. "I can wean you off it to a point, but unless I can come up with a type of counter serum, you'll be stuck on the damn drug for the rest of your life. And if you don't take it...you will die."

Rodney glared at Carson. "Did you have to tell him like that?"

John looked at Rodney and was surprised by the anger that glittered in his blue eyes. Rodney was defending him. Rodney who lacked tact in all things. "It's okay." John smiled and it felt good to remember how. "I need to know."

"Carson is working on the serum, John," Elizabeth interjected.

"Of course." John gave her a bit of a smile then turned back to Beckett. "So how do we do this? I mean...the dosage and stuff. What can I expect?" He knew part of the answer. Pain. There would be lots and lots of pain.

Carson rubbed his face again. "Well...now that you're lucid I think the way to go is to give you a dosage as needed for now. You're a strong man, Major, so I think you can fight this proper. And the stronger you are the better your chances. I know it won't be easy."

John shrugged. "Nothing ever is." He felt tired suddenly and let his eyes close. "When can I go back to my room?"

"Maybe in a few days. You need to start eating and I'm still getting you hydrated." Carson touched the IV taped to the back of John's hand.

"Oh." John hadn't even realized it was there. "Okay. Can I shower now?" He could feel the pain creeping closer to the surface and he knew once it hit he would be incapacitated. Already it was getting hard to concentrate.

Carson exchanged looks with Weir and Rodney, then nodded. "Okay. You can shower. I'll take the IV out but I don't want you in there alone."

Rodney cleared his throat. "I'll stay with him." He looked at Sheppard. "If that's okay with you?"

"Sure." John didn't care who was with him at this point. But he trusted Rodney. Rodney made him feel safe. Which was absurd in some ways that John couldn't figure out. And he knew he was slipping away again and that scared him.

"I'll go then," Elizabeth stated. She squeezed John's shoulder then left.

John looked at Beckett. "Please...now?"

Carson nodded. He removed the IV then pulled back the covers. "Easy, Major...let me support you."

"Okay." John didn't argue, he couldn't. The moment his feet hit the floor his knees buckled. He let Beckett hold him up, trying not to care that he seemed to do it with such ease. Then John realized Rodney was on his other side and they made their way to the bathroom. The pain was burrowing into his gut now, creeping in slowly so he wouldn't notice. So it could surprise him. But John was ready for it. He gritted his teeth and got undressed, knowing that Rodney helped him but that was okay. Then he was under the spray of hot water, slumping against the wall as he scrubbed his body, and the soap had a rough texture that eased the itch just a bit, and John scrubbed harder, until he felt raw on the outside. But the pain burrowed deeper inside and he knew he didn't have much time. He rinsed off and thought the water off. He opened the curtain and stumbled and Rodney was there, holding him and somehow he got dry and dressed again and John didn't even remember getting back into bed.

"…starting again," Rodney said.

John knew what he meant. He listened as Rodney and Beckett continued talking but it soon became static again. He curled onto his side and heard someone whimpering. It shocked him to realize it came from him. John bit his lip to hold back the sound. But the pain was vicious this time, wanting him to scream. And John heard the devil laughing at him.

"Hold him, Rodney!"

"What are you doing?"

"I have to put the restraints back on. Bloody hell!"

John fought the hands that pressed him down into that filtered darkness. It was too bright and dirty.

"Strap him down, Rodney. Dammit!"

"I'm sorry, Major..."

John believed him. Rodney wouldn't hurt him. Rodney was real. But that reality slid away into blood-red darkness.

He didn't hear himself scream.